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Could you give up Heels?


Breeheels
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It has been a while since we visited this thread, but as the Dude said in The Big Lebowski, "New shit has come to light." Actually, it hasn't, in many ways it's the same old shit, it's just being told in a different way, from a different source. Number One, and this is the old news, evidently my wife likes me rather better than I thought, and better than I deserve. It continues to be the high heel thing, and she's basically given up bothering to protest anymore, but still objects to me wearing them.

Number Two, the actual new news was a little bit harder to hear, and yet is simultaneously far less important. I mentioned elsewhere that I recently spent a fair amount of time with a young lady I've known for about 7 years. This is how I came to know about my wife's true feelings. Girls will talk, and especially when they share a common mother tongue. What I did not expect expect to hear is that this young lady told me that if she were in a relationship with me, she'd also have a problem with the heels. The fact that she even entertained a hypothetical is somewhat flattering, but what really bothers me is, this is the same young lady who has been telling me, unsolicited, for years that she likes my style, and that she doesn't feel there is anything terribly unusual or weird about me. She has said things to me in the past like, "Oh, I think it's quite normal these days." And now to come to find out that, in the end, nope, I'm not really truly acceptable.

Of course, none of this really matters one iota. I am obviously not seeking a relationship with a 25 year old girl, but out of all the people I know, with possibly one exception, I figure she'd be the most likely to truly accept me. Evidently not. I wonder how many of my other women friends secretly feel the same way. To bring some humor to this somewhat dark story, she didn't say it would be an absolute deal breaker, only that she'd have a problem with it. I have a problem with the fact that she wears Crocs all the time, and I told her so! But she gets to laugh that one off. I doubt her Crocs are a deal breaker for many guys.  I don't really get to laugh her comments off. I will reiterate that I am super glad I'm not "on the market" anymore.

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I’ll throw a couple of pennies at this.

My wife of 6 years is amazing, hands down. From around the time we started dating, I told her of my desire to wear heels, and she has not only been accepting, but encouraging at that. This to me was quite the shocker considering she comes from a Midwest Christian family, because my assumptions were that they could be some of the most judgmental people out there. I’m so glad I was wrong about that!

Prior to that, however, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. One that made me consider getting rid of my heels and wiping out “who I was” because she was convinced there was something wrong with me for being into heels.

It is in those rough times that if we make it past them, we can learn to love ourselves. I think my ex had insecurities which somehow were enhanced by my desire to wear heels, perhaps because I wasn’t manly enough. Who knows, I never tried to figure it out.

But what I’ve learned is that wearing heels is part of who I am, and that’s not going to change. My wife accepts me for it, and she loves the shoes she gets because of it.

Now, if something happened, and God forbid we weren’t together, I would not give up my heels for another relationship. With a capital Hell No.

But, if medically I somehow needed to give up heels in order to maintain my health or be able to remain physically active and play with my kids, then that’s a different story.

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4 hours ago, mlroseplant said:

Evidently not. I wonder how many of my other women friends secretly feel the same way. To bring some humor to this somewhat dark story, she didn't say it would be an absolute deal breaker, only that she'd have a problem with it. .........  I don't really get to laugh her comments off. I will reiterate that I am super glad I'm not "on the market" anymore.

Well I'm "on the market" and I can honestly say that 99%+ will talk the "talk" but not walk the "talk".  It's perfectly okay BUT not for their man. And these are self described open minded women.  It's also a generational thing.

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It appears to be more than just generational - he is talking about similar reactions from both his loving wife of long-standing and an ostensibly hip 25 year old 

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I think for the most part those of us that wear heels tend to wear heels that fall on the feminine looking side of the scale.  After all, if it was simply wearing something that was elevated at the heel, there are shoes available in men's styles that offer built-in "lifts" which are not at all obvious.  So technically, a man could wear high heels without being the least bit obvious.  True, they are not going to be 4-6" heels, but I have seen some offered that get close to 4". So I think our desire for heels goes a bit farther than the heel alone, as we like the design that is typically classified as feminine.  I think perhaps the most difficult part for the ladies is the reaction of those around her regarding her partner's choice of footwear.  She's going to hear about it from family and friends and it is likely not easy to deal with.  There will most likely be a lack of acceptance within the community at large that she will have to deal with.  It is unfair, as women can wear a pair of wing tips that are absolutely a male shoe style, but they are considered "cute" and "stylish" when a woman puts them on.  They can pretty much wear whatever they want, but men can't.  I don't see that changing any time in the near future.  While there is a trend of unisex clothing among the young, it is not really toward feminine looking heels for men.  Heck, even young women don't wear much in the way of heels.  Yes, there are some men's boots that include a chunky high heel and it seems that is being somewhat accepted.  But not stilettos, low cut pumps, strappy sandals, etc.  If the world does change enough for that to be acceptable for men, I guarantee I will not be alive to see it.  

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3 hours ago, Shyheels said:

It appears to be more than just generational - he is talking about similar reactions from both his loving wife of long-standing and an ostensibly hip 25 year old 

My observations are that younger women are more accepting, not all, but more than older women.  I know it's a deal breaker for so many women, so I make sure that I am up front with it.  It not something I'm going to keep in the closet and do in the shadows.  To me it's also a matter of quality of life.  Even my stilettos.

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10 hours ago, RonC said:

I think for the most part those of us that wear heels tend to wear heels that fall on the feminine looking side of the scale.  After all, if it was simply wearing something that was elevated at the heel, there are shoes available in men's styles that offer built-in "lifts" which are not at all obvious.  

I am different from most here I think in that I just like the feeling and look of the elevated heel, and it doesn't really matter as much to me whether they are thin stilettoes or a more feminine looking style.  I like that I can get custom cowboy boots in 3.5 and 4" heels, because they are not viewed as strictly a women's vs men's style as a pair of stilettoes.  I think it presents more opportunities for discussion about high heels as part of men's fashion, rather than people jumping to a conclusion that I am cross dressing.  

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Very much the same here - I quite like my block/cuban heeled ankle boots. I simply like the look and feel of wearing them. The perceived femininity in their styling, to me, comes across edgy - a more daring take on the hiking boots that I usually wear.   

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No much chance i would give  up wearing heels in a near future.  

Nevertheless it could be sad but a necessity in case of medical reasons 

Be sure I will first try lower heels before giving up for ever. 

No chance any toxic relationship could succeed in having me giving up heels 

But I must agree that from time to time evil eyes,mean looks  worry me. If of course I behave giving no attention at all,I can feel it. Some day I would prefer to be unnoticed. That’s not enough yet for having me giving up the heels. 

A better acceptance is for sure coming in general. But for specific reasons,mainly religious ones ,some people are getting  aggressive with everything isn’t in their norms. I am not sure God would mind. Has He even been asked if a man  in heel can’t be  a good human?  Whatever the answer would be,I can say that a lot of man in flat shoes are terribly shit  

So far,I can manage that with block or Cuban boots heels more less hidden. 

Block heels Oxford are worn for traveling by plane or car. Not in the train. Too many narrow minded ppl in there. Commuter trains are dangerous .Undergrounds as well  

stilettos heels in Hotels are ok.And at home of course. 

Pumps are too feminine for me. Even if they are the classic best looking  high heel shoes. At  home sometimes and very seldom in hotels with a  formal costume plus tie ....

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So many thoughts here.  .  . Sorry if I don't respond to all of them. The one that has gotten the most talk in the past 24 hours is what is it about high heels that has such a grip on us? Is it merely the feeling of the elevated heel, or is it the look of the more "feminine" style? I would guess that, like most things in life, the answer to that question is as varied as the number of people who answer it. For me, I can definitively say it is both, and it seems to be ever-evolving, and it seems to be evolving toward feminine style. I just had another gander at my shoe collection, and I can definitely see a pattern. The number of shoes that I currently own that are both higher than 4 inches AND greater than 3/4" in heel thickness are very few, and may be zero within a year, and that includes wedges, if you take into account only side-to-side width. Which is to say that I really don't have any block heels anymore that are of a decent height. Having said that, I absolutely hate kitten heels. Recently, when I was on my "practical summer sandal" kick, I bought some sandals which are a little too tall to be considered kitten heels, and the heels are just a bit too thick to be considered kitten heels, but they are dangerously too close to that style. I have never worn them. I don't know why I bought them. Which is all a very long, convoluted way of saying that it's definitely about looking a little more feminine in addition to the feel of the elevated heel. In a perfect world, I would wear stilettos every day. But then, I'm a small, slight guy, so there's that.

Speaking to the generational gap, I do not have enough data, and most of my data problem is that a large chunk of the women I interact with are of Vietnamese descent, some of them immigrants to the U.S. (like my aforementioned 25 year old friend), and many of them reside in Vietnam. I have a feeling that many Vietnamese women's ultimate go-to thought is, "OMG, what would my parents think?" And this may be the key to this puzzle. Within my wife's family, it is known in small circles that I wear high heels, even though they have never seen me in person wearing them. My wife has explained to them that I wear high heels as a form of exercise for my legs, which is not technically a lie, but far from the Truth. My now 32 year old female cousin, residing in Vietnam, once asked me about this, so I sent her a picture. She definitely seemed nonplussed. However, the fact that she even knew it must mean that my mother-in-law told her sister, and then she in turn talked about it with her daughter. I have no idea how widespread the information has become. My biggest supporters among American women seem to be on the older side, and in many cases much older than me. However, I can't speak to how any of them would feel about it if they were in a relationship with me.

On the third hand, it is very much the style in Korea for young men to dress and look androgynous, if not downright feminine. I have not seen high heels as a part of this look, but Vietnam follows Korea as far as style, and I have personally witnessed this trend amongst young Vietnamese men. The young women seem to love it, or at least accept it. Just some random thoughts, a few days after I've had a chance to digest what happened this past weekend.

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I will not be giving up wearing heels, under any circumstances. My wife is totally in sync with my heel wearing except on certain occasions when she says the heels I'm wearing are too feminine looking, so I change into a pair she is more comfortable with. Usually a block heel style not over 3". When I'm out on my own, anything goes for me. And yes, the ladies look to see what heels I'm wearing at the time., as I make them totally visible for all to see. I like the compliments, I get from the ladies!

Happy Heeling,

bluejay

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I avoid shoes with bows and other trinkets that tend to make a heel look more feminine. I have been wearing only wear women's shoes for the past decade, they fit my feet better than men's shoes ever have. My substantial ankle problems have disappeared since I switched.  I wear my heels in a professional setting, so I want jaw-dropping good looking heels that aren't overly feminine. It's a tough balance to achieve.

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While I did get off the path a bit, the point I was trying to make is that there are options for men to experience the height of a heel without wearing a shoe intended for a woman, and would pretty much disguise the fact that a heel is being worn.  @p1ng74, your choices are pretty much male styles but with a heel.  Cowboy boots can somewhat offset the heel look.  But chunky heel booties or oxfords with heels that extend to 4" or so remain pretty much a feminine style.  Boots and shoes of that nature are available now as the block heel is in style.  But should styles evolve again to something like the 1960's or mid-late 1980's, block heels would be near impossible to find, so if a heel was desired, it would most likely be a thin heels of some sort.  If that were to happen (which I doubt, but it could), and only thin heels were available, would you guys that now only go for block heels still want to wear heels of that look?

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Pierre1961 said:

A better acceptance is for sure coming in general. But for specific reasons,mainly religious ones ,some people are getting  aggressive with everything isn’t in their norms. I am not sure God would mind. Has He even been asked if a man  in heel can’t be  a good human?  

I'm not finding anything in the Bible about wearing heels.  What I think people try to puzzle through is the intent of wearing heels.  Yes, it is not exactly normal, but I would say that women wearing heels is a very superficial, human-made norm that can be questioned without disrupting anyone’s view of universal norms.  

When I wear heels I am not making a statement against male/female creation. It’s not like men were created to be anatomically incompatible with wearing heels versus women.  My wife was even remarking the other day that my foot posture has noticeably improved since I started wearing only 3.5-4” heels.

As many others have stated here, block heels are pretty androgynous and are a great way to make this statement that men can wear heels, with less confusion of intent.  

6 hours ago, RonC said:

While I did get off the path a bit, the point I was trying to make is that there are options for men to experience the height of a heel without wearing a shoe intended for a woman, and would pretty much disguise the fact that a heel is being worn.  @p1ng74, your choices are pretty much male styles but with a heel.  Cowboy boots can somewhat offset the heel look.  But chunky heel booties or oxfords with heels that extend to 4" or so remain pretty much a feminine style.  Boots and shoes of that nature are available now as the block heel is in style.  But should styles evolve again to something like the 1960's or mid-late 1980's, block heels would be near impossible to find, so if a heel was desired, it would most likely be a thin heels of some sort.  If that were to happen (which I doubt, but it could), and only thin heels were available, would you guys that now only go for block heels still want to wear heels of that look?

As a guy wearing custom 4” heels, I’m already wearing what very few other people wear, so I don’t think I will be deterred by any future fashion trends against block heels.  I’m going to wear what I want to wear...

Edited by p1ng74
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Posted (edited)

mlroseplant,

My thoughts are exactly what Cali said. That women who say they are open-minded find self-erected barriers when those heels are on THEIR man's feet. Sort of like those who espouse diversity but go home to someone of the same race, people who speak glowingly of public education while spiriting off their kids to a private school, or the neighbourhood evangelist who scorns modern indecency by day yet has a rolodex of mistresses by night. There's what people say and then there is what they actually do. It is far easier for society to live a polite lie by not admitting what all they actually know because it is simply more relaxing to sit back and watch the world go by than tell you what exactly they think. Lots and lots of people do this and have for centuries. Even if everyone that knows you wear heels were to comment on it what would be gained by them or by you??  Anyone could ask you why you wear heels but this question was answered to my satisfaction several years ago when a 9-year-old simply said, "because it gives him joy." If your son could figure this out so quickly perhaps it's time for everyone else to do the same. Keep calm and heel on! HappyinHeels

Edited by HappyinHeels
omitted words
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