ShyHeelGuy Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Probably an age old problem I know, but its one I'm finding quite awkward/difficult so please bear with me. I have been putting feelers out with my girlfriend of almost 3 years for the last 5/6m months to try and get what she thinks to the idea of men in heels. Now through some luck, a friend was having a reversed pimps and hoes party, so I had the chance to just put on some heels to "try them on for the party" infront of her (with my usual mens bootcut jeans and tshirt). Nothing OTT, just some pleaser 3" knee high PU boots which I put on under the jeans so most of the heel was covered when she saw it. And she freaked out, even though she knew what the reason for me having them on at that point was Now I didnt just chuck her in at the deep end with it, we had conversations prior to that event regarding crossdressers and men who just wanted to wear heels, the differences, and the fact that it does not necessarily mean they're gay (in either case). But she didnt seem to take to it, and seems to have the complete modern preconception that heels are for girls and for girls only. Even though they were originally worn by men. We have also had subsequent discussions about it all (not giving away that I wear heels, but hinting at the idea) and no matter how subtle and gentle I am about it, it still freaks her out and she said she can't even handle the idea of it I have even made it clear I have no intention of wearing skirts, blouses or any other article of womens clothing. So there is my dilemna. I have no idea what to do about it now. I do love her very much, hell I even have the ring chosen. But I can't stay in hiding all my life, and the thing that really gets me is this: surely in a relationship, it should be taking the person for exactly who they are and not judging them by what they look like or what they wear? Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated Cheers, SHG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 You're between the rock and the hard place, friend. There's no way you'll ever be able to quit. Oh, you might be able to quit wearing heels for awhile but the urge to start again will quickly overwhelm your determination not to wear them. This subject is, perhaps, the most bothersome issue discussed by members on this website. Search back through archived postings about this issue and you'll find a wealth of good information and advice. Bottom line, it's best to get this issue cleared up between you before your relationship goes beyond the point that causes life-long damage -- especially when children become involved. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilikekicks Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 "So there is my dilemna... " You have a like of heeled shoes and a girlfriend. Sounds like its a ' choice ' moreso then a dilemma. Before anyone starts ragging, hear me out on this. Wearing heels doesnt make one ' gay ' or homosexual. Most of us all know this and even women whom wouldnt want their man/boyfriend/husband wearing heels has surely experienced events with them that would prove they arent a labiaphobe or anything ' deviant ' from such. In *my* life, I can say I have seen first hand some very ' intolerant ' events. Ive seen a black man beaten by some bikers while slanders were being yelled. Ive had my own ass kicked because I was outside a gay bar with some friends AND my ' should have been ' wife. I dont think any of us here would really want to associate with the kind of people that do such things. They arent the type of people we would invite over for a beer or for dinner. What we ALL do, on all sorts of different levels, is look the other way sometimes when it comes to our own lives. We ALL sometimes ' tolerate ' things about family members or ' the one we love ' at our own expense. We *believe* its because we care about them. True or not, I dunno. If you have broached the subject of liking heels and the feedback from your girlfriend was less then positive, you know where you stand. If you tell her ' hey, I like high heels.. on my own feet ' , you already know what her reaction to such will *probably*be. On the other side of that coin, you have how you feel and what you want to do for yourself. Im fortunate enough to have a better half whos.. Shes a bit more positive about life in general then most. Its one of the things that caused a great attraction to her from myself. She has some issues like we all do. There are things she doesnt like about me BUT, we are at least able to sit down and have a 2 sided conversation that doesnt involve the theme of ' get rid of this or that or Im leaving '. Something thats never mentioned when this topic comes up is the mentioning of ' just move on, find someone different '. Its usually ' good luck ' or ' work on it '. Im far from a ' liberal ' person in my politics but Im also smart/wise enough to have learned that clothes dont make a person good or bad. It doesnt make them deviant or a serial killer. It might make them more fashion friendly or show good or poor tastes in clothing though and thats about the WORST thing it can do. Ive wanted to tell a few people that have poised your question this answer but I always worried about being reprimanded for it or having the ' haters ' come out but.. I think it needs to be said ( finally ). We CHOOSE whom we want to be with endless its an arranged marriage or something done for connivence. I think we as individuals need to question ourselves and ask ourselves ' if my girlfriend/partner/boyfriend gets this upset over a choice of footware, which is something really non-relevant in lifes general decisions, how are they going to react when something important comes along? Is this the type of person I REALLY want to have with me long term? '. There are several choices you can make and only YOU can make that choice for yourself. You can listen to other peoples opinions but they arent your decision Bubba put the most wise of words out here : "Bottom line, it's best to get this issue cleared up between you before your relationship goes beyond the point that causes life-long damage -- especially when children become involved." Bubba has been around for quite a while ( decade ) and from reading the posts of his that I have, I believe hes pretty wise and has a good understanding of life in general as he mentioned to clear things up sooner then later. Best wishes. -Ilk. REPEATEDLY ARGUMENTATIVE, INSULTING AND RUDE. BANNED FOR LIFE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pebblesf Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 SHG- You love your girlfriend, but you love wearing heels also...You will not be able to ignore your desire to wear heels to satisfy your girlfriend, so please don't attempt that in order to please her. You even state that "you can't hide it forever", and you are right.... You are young, you mention that you have a ring picked out, please don't buy it just yet. You also mention that you have had some brief discussions about you wearing heels, seems like she just freaks out and won't even discuss it with you. Have you actually said that you like to wear heels to her? If so, what exactly was her response? This is an issue that will need to be resolved before you can propose marriage to your girl friend. Give her some time, don't give up on the relationship too soon, hopefully she will gradually come to accept your love of wearing heels...Perhaps you both can seek guidance from a counselor. Finally, give yourself credit for having the courage to address this issue with your girl friend, before asking her to marry you, in spite of the risk of losing her. You are a very wise man for your years, I wish I had half your courageous wisdom when I was twice your age! Please let us know how things progress for you...Don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roniheels Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 The last three members have given you some good advice and much to think about concerning your next move. Here's what you should not do: Not be honest with herNot try to hide your enjoyment of wearing high heelsNot try to wait for a confrontation with her that demands an immediate resolution, good or badI made these mistakes with my ex- and have regretted it ever since. I did try to "purge" my collection and feeling for wearing high heels and as others have stated, if the (innocent) enjoyment is always there and if you will be miserable for avoiding it, it's truly not worth it. I know this isn't really advice of what you should do, but more like what you definitely should not do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simcity3 Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 It gotta gome out in the open. None of those two thing will work as it is now. http://meinheels.wordpress.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Shoe Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 You have 2 choices: 1. Live a lie. 2. tell her. If you live the lie then you'll end up a grumpy old sod. If you tell her you could lose her and then find someone else who thinks your love of heels is cool. You queered your pitch when you "sent out the feelers" and tried to convince her that heel wearers are not gay. You are of course right in that fact, but this sent alarm bells ringing in her head and so when it became obvious to her that you wanted to wear heels she freaked out. Had you just worn them and said "yes, I'm wearing heels. So what?" then perhaps, just perhaps, she might have been more accepting. On the other hand, she might have freaked out even more and dumped you on the spot. The best way is to appear wearing heels (or dressed en femme) before you even start dating a new girl so that she knows about it beforehand or at the very least to reveal it on a second or third date. Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvyourShoes Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Some really excellent advice here! I'm currently going through a similar situation. I'm on my phone typing this so I can't link the story right now... later perhaps. At any rate, I told my new gf on our third date (we went to Nordstrom Rack aka SHOE WONDERLAND!) and I mentioned that I could walk in heels. That didn't freak her out, but when we went a few weeks ago, she had the shock face when I tried on some vince camuto pumps... We had a pretty lengthy discussion about it and it got somewhat resolved. I'm not a daily heeler, so we haven't really had the need to bring it up again, however here's what I plan to do: I'm going to let things naturally run their course and continue to be my heel loving self. If she decides that she cannot handle it, then we'll both move on. I actually know for a fact that there are women out there that think men in heels is a turn on. I dated one before her. When we get caught up in feelings and emotions we tend to forget that there are more girls out there... and she's not the only one attracted to you. You can't change the love for shoes. Personnaly, I've purged 2 times only to get the itch again. It just doesn't work. I encourage you to be yourself and also follow your heart. Final thoughts, she's probably not worried about u being gay/crossdressing. She's overanalyzing the fact that other people in her circle will think you're gay or a crossdresser and a million scenarios are running through her head (what will mom and dad think?? What will friends say?). You can try reassuring her, but her beliefs will always be in the back of her mind unless she wants them to change. U cannot change her... she has to do it herself. You'll be fine at any rate. There is nothing wrong with you and wearing shoes is not like a cocaine addiction or sexual misbehavior. They are shoes... nothing more nothing less. Be yourself and make the choices you want to make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve63130 Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 You have a lot of sympathy here, because most of us have probably been in your shoes (so to speak) at one time, and we know the agony, embarrassment, and anxiety that comes with having to deal with this kind of situation. There isn't much more I can add. The advice above is excellent, and you would be foolish to ignore it. There is hope that with plenty of time and lots of baby steps, you can change her thinking. You have to have lots of conversation and discussion on the subject so you can each understand the other's point of view. If she is totally unwilling to change her mind, then drop her, because your desire to wear heels will never diminish and you will be miserable. What's worse, if she's that adamant over something like this, wait till something really important comes up. Marriage involves compromise and you can't control the other person or the relationship is doomed. She can voice her opinion but she shouldn't hold you hostage on this issue. Look for wiggle room. Is she ok with 2" block heeled boots or loafers? Start small and push the envelope for years and you'll get there. If you can't find any room for compromise, drop her. It'll hurt for a while but you'll find a woman with a more open mind on this subject and it won't tear you apart like this situation is doing now. Good luck! Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gudulitooo Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Well I would definitely say what I am used to say : Courtesy to your loved one means pleasing her in your choice of clothing. Now there are so many different situations, occasions, maybe you can take turns you being pleased every now and then, and her the rest of the time... Also, should you have met her wearing your heels, then it would be different : she would have chosen. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShyHeelGuy Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Many thanks for the advice chaps! Certainly a lot to think about. Bubba/Pebbles: That is exactly why I haven't taken things further yet, I want to get any issues like that ironed out before anything else happens. It isn't worth doing the extra damage later on in life when its more than just a relationship that gets damaged as you said. In my mind, if she was to marry me, just out of respect for her she needs to know precisely what the whole "package" is and what she is getting before it happens. It's not right to leave out any details, no matter how small. ILK: I can't honestly see why you'd be reprimanded or hated for that answer, it is some of the most realistic advice on here. I guess I have known roughly what the advice would be, but when you're in this sort of situation you sometimes need to hear it from others before you can actually admit it to yourself. So thank you for saying it! Dr Shoe: The whole gay thing didnt have any impact on the "pitch" at all, especially as it was something that was mentioned by her when we saw a cross dresser at alton towers a few months ago. As far as my girlfriend is concerned, heel wearing is cross dressing and is therefore wrong end of story. I think I'm just going to have to come out with it, see what her reaction is and do whatever is necessary afterwards. But its plucking up the courage to do it as it isn't going to be easy at all. No one that actually knows me knows about me wearing heels yet, so it isn't something I have done before. I have tried to get her used to the idea gently, but it hasn't worked. At the end of the day, what will be will be. And hey, maybe when I tell her properly, it might change her mind. Shall have to see. Thanks again for all your advice! Cheers, SHG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShyHeelGuy Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 And just a note on the meeting side of things, I discovered I loved heels about a year into this relationship so meeting her with heels on at that point was an impossibilty. Otherwise I would have mentioned things a lot earlier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wedgemao Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I totally agree on what haw been stated below... I come from a similar situation...I have never hidden my love for hh shoes to my girlfriend, now wife, but at the beginning when I told her that I would have liked to try walking in hheels she took it as a joke (but not toom much becase she know me very well) so I started with the first pair of wedge sandals and I heve been wearing them at home and few times for a summer night walk togheter (how romantic sn't it??), so now she has totally accepted seeing me in them...we can asctually joke about it... so few weeks ago I bought my first pair of wedge ankle boots and she has been quite cool about it, I also told her that I wanted her advice on how to match the shoes with my style I also had her trying them on (I guess she might end up by getting one pair herself, she is into hheels...)... so I think that beeing transparent will pay back in the end.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxyheels Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 You have 2 choices: The best way is to appear wearing heels (or dressed en femme) before you even start dating a new girl so that she knows about it beforehand or at the very least to reveal it on a second or third date. This is great advice, a lot of people at my workplace have never seen me in heels as I have to wear a uniform but most know I like wearing heels as I am open about it. On the occasions I have worn heels at work on training/ away days nobody has been slightly bothered. It did spark a few conversations but no different to any other subject and I am totally accepted. The Doc is right if you warn people you get rid of the shock factor and they just see you in another pair of shoes, slightly entertaining to some but no big deal. As far as the OP is concerned it's a little too late but with the first reaction from the girl friend perhaps best to tell her first to see if she can get used to it if she can't I'm afraid it's decision time. High heels are the shoes I choose to put on, respect my choice as I repect yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
w6ish Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Time to check out of that relationship and get a new one. Get a girl who has an open mind and start living the good life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekHeels Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Your telling her because you love her, it wouldn't hurt to let her know that. She might feel like a trap-door has opened beneath her feet so give her a hand to hold onto. You'll deal with what you're going through to tell her, it's about helping her deal with what she's going through hearing it. Good luck, I hope it works out for both of you. If you like it, wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tech Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 That didn't freak her out, but when we went a few weeks ago, she had the shock face when I tried on some vince camuto pumps... Right there, that was probably the worst thing you could have done... You took it to the extreme, right from the start.... Why would you dive right into the Stilettos as the very first thing she see's you wearing? Do you have the shape for stilettos? (Most guys dont, far from it) Heels for Men // Legwear Fashion // HHPlace Guidelines If something doesn't look right, please report the content ASAP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvyourShoes Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Right there, that was probably the worst thing you could have done... You took it to the extreme, right from the start.... Why would you dive right into the Stilettos as the very first thing she see's you wearing? Do you have the shape for stilettos? (Most guys dont, far from it) Hey Tech... that was actually me... not the original poster. I already told her but seeing and hearing are two different things... lastly I'm built like an NFL linebacker so no... I don't have a small feminine stiletto frame but I am in tremendous shape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tech Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Hey Tech... that was actually me... not the original poster. I already told her but seeing and hearing are two different things... lastly I'm built like an NFL linebacker so no... I don't have a small feminine stiletto frame but I am in tremendous shape. I know... I read your post.... The question still stands though... Why on earth, would you demonstrate to her something your serious about, and then go straight in at the ultra femme end of the pool? Thats a car crash waiting to happen... Big person in skimpy femme heels will never, ever look good, no matter what shape your in, the proportions are wrong... Heels for Men // Legwear Fashion // HHPlace Guidelines If something doesn't look right, please report the content ASAP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachHeeler Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Dude just tell her the truth. I recently found an amazing girl and actually I made sure it was one of the first things I told her (with the encouragement of this site of course). Surprisingly she was very accepting of it and just told me that everyone has their quorks. Im not sure if your girl will be as accepting but you'll never know unless you try. And if it doesn't work out then maybe shes not the one for you. So if I was you just come straight out and tell her. Be sure to tell her that its something that your passionate about and that you feel that you can really do this. You could also find more ways of making it look more masculine. Ive managed to get a very masculine look while wearing heels. I just wear Arizona relaxed fit jeans with the heels (of about 4 to 4 1/2 in) with a t-shirt and a collard shirt to go over that. Also show her what type of heels your are willing to wear. Whether it be boots or pumps. You might want to start out with boots though. Especially leather ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gudulitooo Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Big person in skimpy femme heels will never, ever look good, no matter what shape your in, the proportions are wrong... Note that it is only a matter of point of view. If you are a child, a woman is a big person (I mean not only taller but also heavier), no matter how thin she is... So a woman on stilettos defies gravity as much as Chabal on heels does... If you want you can double the thickness of the heel to match proportions, but that still makes a stilleto heel !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvyourShoes Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 The reason we're all here in the first place is because according to society in general, men don't look good in heels. I get the point you're trying to make Tech, but don't throw all men into that box like the unwashed masses do... especially when you're going off your imagination and not what you've experienced or seen. Its kinda unfair and closed-minded, especially coming from a moderator for one of the most free-thinking and open-minded forums I've ever been to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tech Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 The reason we're all here in the first place is because according to society in general, men don't look good in heels. I get the point you're trying to make Tech, but don't throw all men into that box like the unwashed masses do... especially when you're going off your imagination and not what you've experienced or seen. Like any other member here, I'm allowed an opinion, and when somebody says that are built like an "NFL linebacker", in stilettos, that was my opinion. I have actually seen a lot of NFL linebackers too, and they are all huge guys (build wise), like trucks... So I was not working from "imagination" That isnt even remotely saying "Men dont look good in heels", not even close, so please dont change what I have actually said, nor have I thrown ALL men into the same box either... What I said was quite specific, "Big person in skimpy femme heels" based on his description given I'm built like an NFL linebacker so no... I don't have a small feminine stiletto frameI totally fail to see how that is even remotely close to labelling all men the same? Thats a far cry from the likes of Kneehighs for example who does have the build for it, and pulls it off really well.. Heels for Men // Legwear Fashion // HHPlace Guidelines If something doesn't look right, please report the content ASAP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick24 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Time to move on ,and have a free life. break up with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gudulitooo Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Well I think human relationships and especially love are more precious than selfish desires and inanimated objects. Only my opinion. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pebblesf Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 OK, I will jump into this mess too....The writer mentions an "NFL frame, but in great shape"..... Personally, I think an athletic guy, like the writer describes can look GREAT in the right heels or boots...I think a guy's masculinity can actually be amplified when he wears the right boots or heels, obviously he is very confident and not bothered by other's opinions! I would love to see pictures of the writer in his boots, I'll be he looks powerful and confident! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvyourShoes Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Ok, in reading this, I apologize for going on my rant, and I further see your point! Again, we are all imagining what we think others look like, so it is fair in that regard. I'll post some pics soon and then we'll have some factual stuff to discuss! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yozz Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Back to the original problem. I think it is rather easy for people to say that if the gf does not act positively wrt heels one should `dump' her. We are talking about a relation that goes on for quite some time already and clearly also has some very good aspects. The biggest problem on hhplace is how to manage when a gf is not positive towards heels. What can be salvaged? Can she be `converted'? What did we do wrong when telling/showing her? Of course, some cases will end in a breakup. But not all. And as long as there is a chance, do not give up too easily. If in all other respects she is really the gf for you, it is more than worth trying. I do not believe there is a single piece of advice that holds for everybody. There is no magical formula. We can only tell what we think, or what we did ourselves, but that is most likely different from your case. A theme that seems to come up frequently is that she is afraid what others would think. This is not to be ignored, because humans are social animals. It does give a possibility of compromise though, provided you can limit your heeling to indoors, or limit the outdoors heeling to rather inconspicuous block heels that are not too high. This is for instance my situation. If on the other hand you have an uncontrollable urge to go out in red 6 inch spikes, there is a serious conflict. The best advise seems to be that you have to talk. Discuss the problem. Spend some time together on the internet researching it, so that she will understand what is happening. If she really loves you, she should be willing to understand the situation, even if is counter intuitive to her. In the end she may still reject it and you may still have a fundamental difficulty, but at least she takes her decision based on knowledge. And as Tech mentioned using other words: don't teach her swimming by throwing her in the deep end. Y. Raise your voice. Put on some heels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekHeels Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Often it's our imagination that makes steppng out in heels seem much more difficult than it turns out to be, and maybe it's the same for her too, her imagination will be screaming all sorts of alarm bells which aren't as bad as the reality of the situation. Sounds like there's scope for a bit of empathy there, both ways. Like yozz rightly says, talk. If you like it, wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jabble Posted February 6, 2012 Share Posted February 6, 2012 I have to start off with saying I love this site and friends on it. I told my wife, way before we got married, whilst I was on a deployment. I wrote it in an email actually. I told her what kind I love wearing and everything. She is open-minded and has never had a problem with it. Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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