I have a question for you all?

[hiheellover23]

I just have a question for you all as far as your significant others' knowing about your shoe obsession or fetish.  When you all have a moment together going out in your attires, is it classified as going out as friends or in a relationship.  The reason I ask is because I ran into this issue Sunday.  We go out to eat I'm wearing heels and so is she, I try to hold the door for her but she doesn't want me to do that.  Could not take any pictures with her of her.  Basically the whole day was classified as my day and not us spending it together.  She says that when I'm wearing the outfits and shoes and stuff then we are not to be considered In a relationship.  It just kind of bugs me that I have to separate the too.  Just kind of makes me question if my wife supports my love for shoes or just tolerates it.  I just know that I think I'm going to stop sharing that side of me to her  and find some other outlet (not cheating) but i just wish I had other friends that would be as supportive.  How are things considered in your relationships.

[Impala]

I have zero experience, and probably never will (Aromantic Asexual), but this seems like a very annoying issue. Imagine you treating your wife as a regular person whenever she does a specific thing. Do you think she'd like it? I guess not.

I think the best way is to tell her how you feel about the situation. Make sure she understands it's making you feel bad, like your love isn't unconditional.
She's probably embarrassed about your heeling, and doesn't want to associate herself with it. The only way is to make her feel good about the idea of men in heels. The trick might be to take the focus away from 'MAN in heels' and focus on gender equality, how much better the world would be if we never judged people on what they choose to wear, and how The heel is just an extension under your foot, not a clearly sexual aspect. It's only because we treat it as female, that we see it that way.

That's the whole reasoning I used when convincing my parents. It can work for you, too!

Best of luck.

[Steve63130]

Excellent advice, Impala. I agree with you. Communications (or lack thereof) is the key issue here. HHL23, there has to be a frank discussion so that the two of you can get on the same page. She needs to know how you feel and you need to understand how she feels about the subject. Find common ground, compromise, make some rules that you're both comfortable with, and move forward. Otherwise you'll find yourselves moving apart. A good marriage counsellor might help, or a trusted friend or family member that you can both confide in. A facilitator like that will make it easier, but it's not necessary. You can do it if you both want the relationship to survive.

Steve

[hiheellover23]

I hear what you all are saying but, I don't think my wife is going to budge on this matter.  I just feel like I've lost motivation to share portions of my life. I know I can't expect my wife to like everything that I like but I just wish  there were people out there that feel the way that I feel would like to hang out with people like myself

[CAT]

I hope you can find a way to have her understand your desire to wear heels.  It's not easy.  My X tolerated it,,,,,, to some extent. This was only a very small part of my separation.  The depression, reccession, hard times, what every you want to call it when most all of us were struggling with money was the big problem with my separation. All the little problems become catastrophic when the money is not there.   Needless to say I now have (5 years) a girlfriend who knows all about me all about my heels.  She has been out with me in heels.  She has picked out shoes and outfits for me (some are posted in my albums). She has bought me heels.  We have even shopped for heels together.    It is very hard to find someone who is non judgmental.   I hope that you can find a way to get her to understand what you want on this topic.  I think the other suggestions are great.   Just my story.   Good luck 

 

[maninpumps]

 My opinion is she may be getting ready to hand you an ultimatum "her or the heels" . What will you choose ? Did you tell her about the heels before or after you were married ? If you told her after , she may think you were not being truthful with her . Before you were married then she should have known . Then why the cold shoulder  when you wear them ? Like the others have stated YOU need to ask her . Remember , there is a reason she feels this way and it's up to you and her to work it out .  If she is anything like my wife she will tell you before you finish the question . 

9 hours ago, hiheellover23 said:

How are things considered in your relationships.

My wife likes my heels and we do things together as a couple . We do shop together she likes to shop for purses and me heels . I told my wife long before I even considered asking her to marry me about my heels . She did ask to see my heels and gave me here opinion on the styles I had . She has even had me try styles I would never have tried without her .We have been happily married over 18 year . I consider myself very lucky . Just my opinion .

[hiheellover23]

To answer your question I told her long before we got married.  We had been together for nine years before we got married, and I told her long before we got deep into our relationship because I knew that she would find out so I figured better to tell her now or never.  Either we would severe ties or we would continue on.  And we are still here.  I know at times that I let the obsession over consume me at one time but I had changed for the better.  I just hate that it is now classified as "my moment" and not "ours", because when it is classified as my time I just still feel more alone if that makes any sense.

[SkirtDude]

17 hours ago, hiheellover23 said:

I just have a question for you all as far as your significant others' knowing about your shoe obsession or fetish.  When you all have a moment together going out in your attires, is it classified as going out as friends or in a relationship.  The reason I ask is because I ran into this issue Sunday.  We go out to eat I'm wearing heels and so is she, I try to hold the door for her but she doesn't want me to do that.  Could not take any pictures with her of her.  Basically the whole day was classified as my day and not us spending it together.  She says that when I'm wearing the outfits and shoes and stuff then we are not to be considered In a relationship.  It just kind of bugs me that I have to separate the too.  Just kind of makes me question if my wife supports my love for shoes or just tolerates it.  I just know that I think I'm going to stop sharing that side of me to her  and find some other outlet (not cheating) but i just wish I had other friends that would be as supportive.  How are things considered in your relationships.

Sorry to hear about this, my relationship followed the same pattern of events before its eventual breakdown. My wardrobe wasn't as flamboyant as it is now, and I started off with just wearing heels with my jeans, women's jeans from time to time, or skintight mens ones other times. There were no Instagram moments, selfies or any of the like, I ended up being more like a driver or chauffeur to her, she's even sit in the back of the car as I'd drive her to dinner. I had tuned out of the whole 'look down, look up' thing people did when they saw my heels with my jeans (sometimes boots), and we had a big argument about my sartorial choices. I decided to try skirts, it seemed like a natural progression and it went with the shoes. I was nervous at first, but I decided I wouldn't hide it from her, and so I showed my partner a navy knee-length pencil skirt, with navy hose and black pumps. I just said 'this is the way I wish to dress now, I'm still the same guy you met'. First of all, it was like she tolerated my clothing choice, it would be a mixture of jeans or skirts, and gravitated more to just skirts as time went on.

I'll cut to the chase. She had already emotionally separated from me and it was little time before she decided to replace me, I came home early from work (was let go after a new manager didn't like my choice of attire) to find her with a new man. She threw me out, and I had a breakdown. After I was out of hospital I had to rebuild my life again. So here I am, single, but free to freestyle! I think I went too far, but what's done is done.

I don't wish you suffer the same predicament, but ask yourself is there times you could just wear regular men's shoes out to dinner? If not then it looks like a choice between the heels and her  

[Bubba136]

You have to be ready to pay the price when you decide that your desire to wear heels and crossdress is more important than a loving relationship with a lifetime partner.  There are a lot of people, even members of this community, that would say that you are the blame for your own downfall because you let your "needs" become paramount.  Apparently to the point that she felt your proclivities were more important to you than she was.  

 

[hiheellover23]

Well the fact of the matter is this I'm not a crossdresser I just like shoes.  I told her about what I was into before we were involved in depth with each other either she would accept or leave me alone. I guess maybe it is best to keep that part of my life separate from my marital life.  I just know it is a cold and lonely path to walk but I guess her "tolerating" the shoes and preserving our marriage is better than nothing.

[Jkrenzer]

I feel for you. My wife knew from day one when we met, and to this point no issues. Like you, I just enjoy the heels and wear them in "male" mode exclusively. So far no issues and I have worn them among her friends and co-workers often. However, I do keep my fingers crossed our situation does not follow the path yours seems to traveling now. Good luck and best wishes, we all know how heels are wired into us and dropping them entirely, if it comes to that, will be difficult.

Joe

[bailey]

I am like you...just into my shoes. As for wearing in public with my wife, I never persued that avenue. But as for my wife tolerating my shoes..I guess thats where I am at. My marriage and relationship would come first. I wear them around her at home or on road trips in the car and for me that is enough. I guess you have to find that common ground where you are both happy. Like you and myself...we are lucky to find someone who is tolerant. It could be worse...I would not want to have to hide my love of heels. Best of luck.

[Jkrenzer]

Right now your OK like bnchmrk. But ultimately if she wants them gone and you can't part with them and end up having to hide this from her, then it's only doom for your marriage. Nobody wants that.

[hiheellover23]

Well have not received that yet.  But I just don't think I will be sharing anymore.  I have to enclose it like how I play video games she doesn't care for video games but that is my past time so I guess it just falls in that category.  I don't know just now I'm in shut down mode just isolate from everyone.

[bailey]

Try not to get down on yourself. It may be just a matter of her wanting to be the "show piece" when you are out together. I know for myself, when my wife gets dressed up with high heels or boots and is looking really "fine". She will still get noticed when we are out to a restaurant or bar. But if you look good to her ...while dressed in mens shoes. And you you add a little chivalry. There is no better feeling than having her grab your arm and strutting out with you while a bunch of other females looking on appear to be jealous. Maybe wishing they could get the same treatment. Or a bunch of guys thinking " man lucky guy". In all just saying that it may not be a dislike of your heels but only a little jealousy of the attention that your heels may bring.

[hiheellover23]

Well that's the part I have to disagree with you I bought my wife a lot of heels at first a little outrageous but then I wife is plus size so I try to adhere more to a style that was more appealing to her.  But what are they doing right now sitting in the closet, because my wife says we doing go anywhere of importance for her to wear heels.  Not even in intimacy.  I don't know about you all but sometimes just the T-shirt does not do it for me if you all know what I mean.  So she wants me to bend over backwards but I get squat for her to compromise.  I just feel like I'm expected to be a cookie cutter average husband.  I know I'm sound like I'm whining but this is right now the only outlet that I have to vent!!!

[bailey]

That sounds tough. Hard situation to be put in. Hope you can figure something out. But keep enjoying those heels whenever you can, be it by yourself or with an understanding friend.

[HappyinHeels]

hiheellover23,

Interesting and compelling story. It never ceases to amaze me how women defend the double standard. Would you distance yourself from her if she wore men's polo shirts or slacks on day out? Of course not and she would not think twice about it. Fact is women wear men's styles or dress in a far more masculine way now than at any time in my memory and I can remember when women never wore pants anywhere. I do believe she wants to feel as though she is the centerpiece when you two are out. She wants to wear what she wants but still wants you to hold the door and pay for the meal and give the sense of protection. It seems obvious to me that this aspect of your relationship is a conditioned one. Unconditional love is an easy concept to imagine but exceedingly hard for mortals to pull off. Nothing else explains her reaction to you in heels other than a desire to look good when you two are out together in obvious gender roles. Imagine the folly that follows if you distanced yourself, from your spouse, if she didn't put on makeup, or didn't paint her nails, or didn't wear any jewelry. You can't because you wouldn't make such a request and she wouldn't tolerate it from you. Talk to her. Marriages are built, or implode, on the strength of meaningful communication. Get your feelings on the record so there is no doubt how hurtful you view her actions.  Your wife will not leave you for too much communication but could definitely leave without enough of it. HappyinHeels

[Gudulitooo]

hiheellover23,

My humble experience with my wife (10 years reationship) is far from yours as I never told her I liked to wear heels.

Now for every other topics we share (choices for kids, house, furniture, clothes, friends, health, etc.) I can say that she is VERY "sensitive" with what others tell her. She is able to say she will never do something for years, and to come back one evening with a complete different opinion because another mother at scool, a friend, or even the pharmacist, told something about it.

And the person that has the greatest influence is ... her mother.

To the point that when I want / like something that I know she will refuse, I first propose the idea to her mother, and wait (up to several months be patient) until they spoke about it. And one day, my wife will come home telling "-would you think this is a good idea to .... ? - of course of course" ....

My 2 cents

[Bubba136]

Imaginative.  I also used this technique throughout my marriage for just about anything I was positive she would reject at first mention.  Once she proffered the idea as her's, it was easy to implement without disagreement.  Never had problems with my heels once we established a set of "ground rules" which I strictly followed.  The biggest problem I had was returning shoes that she bought for me because I didn't like the style.  

[Histiletto]

In her eyes, you are loosing your "man card" by wearing items she has been brought up with as to how she should look to appeal to you. In wearing the styles she thinks she is suppose to wear to be the focus of your love, you are in effect telling her that she doesn't have to be there for you to be satisfied intimately. She is starving for your unconditional attention and meaningful moments of loving gestures. I suspect when you first met her, she made you feel on top of the world. You have to re-ignite the same state of mind and skills you had for her while courting. Wearing heels and such can be part of both your attires, but not as your priority. It's the gleam in her eyes and the loving touches you both gave and felt when you are together, that helps make life the heaven you both need. JUST ACTIVELY AND OPENLY CARE FOR EACH OTHER!!!   

[HappyinHeels]

hiheellover23,

Get that communication going and she'll have no option but to engage the dialogue! Ten years from now you may look back and reflect upon the success or failure to communicate during these few months. That rearview mirror is ALWAYS right about where you've been. Will you like what you see? Nobody else has a bigger stake in your marriage than the two of you so act now to protect that investment of love, time, energy, and finances. Ever closely watch the quality of life for people who could have avoided divorce?? Not because of abuse or obvious infidelity but just for the "convenience" of it? They invariably never fully recover or take many years to reach the same point as before the divorce. I have asked these questions of friends who went through it so that I don't make that mistake. I'm coming up 31 years married so I must be doing something right . HappyinHeels

[mtnsofheels]

Hey hiheellover23,

Lots of good advice here for sure. Many of us have had similar situations in our histories as well.  Got to say though at your stage of the relationship you will not be reversing any of your gained ground of understanding/acceptance that you have with your wife. The fact she accepts you wearing what you but not acknowledging you when you do wear them is a point of selfishness on her part. That is not a negative stance but one where she refuses to be associated with you when do wear heels. Just her way of saying go ahead wear them but if anything happens I am not there for you. Now imagine you doing a similar thing when she would like to wear something and you allowed her but would not attend to her if something happened. Now I bet you, you would stand up and attend to her every situation that would come up, but it does not appear that would be the case if it were the other way around. Hence the selfish note I am talking about. In the end why would anyone not want allow their spouse to live life to the fullest and be happy? That can only be a win win situation for the relationship no?

But more to your question, in my relationship now, I have unconditional approval for whatever I want to wear. My SO has now understood what it means to me to express myself how I want and I really appreciate her for being that way. Like others my SO, she does not wear any heels, dress up, wear nylons or skirts anymore. She has had some health problems and can understand why she does not want to but she also knows that it is part of my life that has been couped up for 40 years because social stigmas and other social non acceptance issues. But when I started the relationship I laid it out, this is me and this what I like, if it does not work for you, no problems I'll start somewhere else. She accepted it and I love her for that. But I am not going to change and I am a much better person now when I can be me for our relationship.  Communication is key and having a positive understanding of each others goals and interests. 

If was close to where you live I would come over heel with you anytime, it would be a lot of fun, sorry I am at the other side of the continent, but if I do come your way I will call you up! Hang in there hope you get some understanding of where you will go with the issue. Lastly do not go away and hide again, you do not have to disallow yourself anything that makes you happy and a warm and lovable person, life is way to short for that.  Good Luck HHlvr23!

[Steve63130]

To Mtnsofheels: Best regards to you and your SO from me and my SO! Sounds like life is good!

Steve

----------

And now back to this thread....

[hiheellover23]

Well thank you all for your great advice.  In the process, one day my wife peeped out the computer and I left this up and I got in a little bit of trouble.  Because I posted up my issues about our situation and never talked to her about it. We had a long talk and she mentioned that I didn't give the full story of what I had done wrong which does put a lot in perspective.  From the beginning my parents are old fashioned seen everything in black and white right and wrong and so forth.  At age 12  I was indulged in heels, my father found out about it as you know it did not go so well.  Through the years I had to withhold that obsession for  a long time.  From they day I started working and moved out I was buying shoes left and right, displayed them all around the house because I hardly invited my parents over.  While I had these heels I never knew how to dress in them I could never put anything together.  Though out most of my life I was curious about a lot of things from the crossdressing, shemales, bisexuality, all that stuff.  During that stage in my life it was intriguing but I could never go through with the act because how I was brought up and just religious beliefs.  I applaud anyone that is confident to do what they do but there are boundaries that I personally am in fear of crossing.  But I did take lewd pictures over the internet (which I deeply regret) to people I thought were friends because I had no way of expressing myself out of my own doors. I did watch not so pleasant videos at the time because my curiousity was peaked.  Then I met my wife and she is great, we could talk about anything and everything it felt like.  After some time I told her that I had a love for shoes and that I wore them, but of course I failed to mention all the other things that caught my interest.  She said that if I would have mentioned everything else before then us getting married probably would not have happened so much which I understand.  But as time went on my wife found out about my other unpleasant things.  As a result I tossed all my shoes in the trash, which in my mind thought it would make my wife happy (that was not the case).  She wanted me to stop with the not so nice photos and figure out different methods to show off my shoes like finding out what outfits would work.  She always helped me shop for things and showed me what would work and what would not.  She recommended that I wear my shoes to places not so close to my neighborhood vicinity to protect my reputation and our family which made sense.  My point that I am getting at is that we talked about it and through out all my issues and discrepancies she has supported me.  Heels yes, the other extra stuff not so much.  The point she was getting at was that she wanted our time together separate because we don't go out that often and when  we do she wants things to be about just us and that's not asking for a lot.  She said that if someone was to ask who I was in heels she would acknowledge me as her husband regardless so that means a lot.  So I guess it goes with saying communication is key and that there is a time and place for everything.  Just want to say thank you all for the words of advice and for being a listening ear.  Feel free to hit me up whenever!

[CPB]

hiheellover 23

Glad to hear that thing s seem to be sorting themselves out.

Just my 2c, for what it's worth. My wife doesn't like me wearing female clothing & she didn't know about it when we starting dating. Once I told her, she wasn't happy, but she was willing to take it step by step. Her feeling is that I'm a man & should wear masculine looking clothing & she's a woman & should wear feminine looking clothing. However, as long as I do it at home & keep it decent in front of the kids, no problem. If I want to go out in public & make an idiot of myself in high heels, I'm doing it alone. I have "convinced" her on the odd occasion to let me wear high heeled boots with jeans, when we've gone out together, but I could see that she wasn't comfortable with it so I don't do it anymore. She doesn't have a problem with me wearing female jeans, hosiery & my riding style boots, because they look masculine.

What I think you need to find, which seems to be happening, is a common middle ground. Say, wearing high heels in a different city, or only at home. Or if you go out together wear something that looks masculine, like hosiery, jeans & men's shoes. Whatever happens keep talking & keep the other person's feelings & outlook in mind. Good Lucl.

[Steve63130]

Make sure your wife knows she is always your first priority and the other stuff will not seem so important to either of you. Put your relationship first.

Steve

 

[TexasHeels]

I recently found out my guy likes heels and honestly... I got turned on just thinking about him in heels. I confronted him, and reassured him that I love HIM and accept HIM and ALL his interests. We've had a few discussions and are going to incorporate heels into our "intimate time" (at his pace/whatever he wants to do) I also love heels (what women doesn't?) and we are planing a trip out of town so we can go out in public in our heels. He also likes doing his toes which again... I LOVE pedis, I told him if he goes with me I'll paint his when we get home... I also think it'd be soooo sexy to shave his legs but one step at a time

Men, not all women are as accepting/supportive as me but I would encourage you to talk to your SO... if they love you they should support you NO MATTER WHAT!! I am not an expert but I am a people person and if you need advice on HOW to bring it up I can give you a few suggestions :-)

[heeladdict]

Very interesting question! You have to understand that she's gone quite a long way of accepting you in heels and even going out with you in them. I think it is only natural for her to want not to be seen in any way that would suggest you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationship together. She thinks it will be too embarrassing and she's right. Of course, by saying she's considering you two as friends when in heels, that doesn't mean that she would also ACT as if she was just a friend when being flirted with by other guys. She thinks that making you two seem as just friends would take the embarrassment factor away from her and there would only be some (if you feel embarrassed) for you. But she doesn't want to be seen having an affair with a man in heels. I honestly do not believe it is because she thinks less of you in heels but because society does and wants to protect herself from these stereotypes.

My girlfriend is much much less accepting of it, while she silently tolerates me enjoying my heels when she is not around, she does not want to be part of it.

You can talk it through with her if you like but I wouldn't bring it up as something that annoys me / I think it is normal.

[Lawrence]

If she won't budge then try looking on line for someone with your likes in your area and see about hanging out with them.  Just wearing heels is not running around and being the same sex would not be running around on her at all as long as it it is just hanging out in heels.  I'd love to find someone in my area to do that with.