mlroseplant Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Yesterday was a bit of an eye-opener for me. My wife actually objected to my heel wearing two times in one day. Number one: She did not want me to wear heels to church services. This kind of bummed me out, as I had just carefully polished my new oxfords that I had specifically bought to wear with my suits. I think of them as quite conservative, basically like "paso doble" heels (only a bit higher than a male dancer would wear). I guess what really got me was how she put it: "Wear your REAL shoes, not those women's shoes." Hum? They are MY shoes. I am a man, therefore they are not women's shoes, yeah? Ah well, two steps forward, three steps back. Later that same day, we went to a party with her co-workers, and she was adamant that I was not to wear heels to this party. She seems to have no problem if I wear heels when we go shopping, or even tonight, when we went to my younger son's pre-kindergarten registration. But for some reason, she doesn't want her co-workers to see me in heels. Honestly, I don't think any of them would have cared. I was THE only guy there. Probably would have made the party more interesting. I don't have a real problem with any of this. It's just that I don't really understand when she thinks it's OK and when she doesn't. The part about, "Wear your REAL shoes" kinda smarts a little bit. Just sharing. I would love to hear your thoughts.
ilikekicks Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Real shoes? Thats fathoming. I mean.. a shoe covers your foot, you walk in them.. what part of a defined term of ' shoe ' doesnt yours seem to fit? Its the choice or selection of words that is.. odd? REPEATEDLY ARGUMENTATIVE, INSULTING AND RUDE. BANNED FOR LIFE.
Dr. Shoe Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 My advice would be to abide by her wishes even if her terminology does worry you. It's not that she's not accepting, it's just that she works with some bitchy co-workers who could possibly use the fact that her husband wears heels against her. If you ignore her wishes, she'll become even less accepting of your heel wearing. Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects.
Foxyheels Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Agree with the Dr. Some of those co workers will possibly be the "I like a man to b a man" type and vocally reject men who fare not ultra macho. These people are usually very loud and as stated will try to get others on side by discrediting you and intimidating your wife. Clearly we dnt know how confident your wife is with her co workers and clearly the easy option for her is for them not to know. Take a look at the numerous members on here who have to heel in secret, you wife does allow you to wear heels in certain circumstances so you have a wonderful woman. She has made a big allowance for yo to wear them, that's clear from he comment about 'real shoes' so make the similar allowance back and wear flats when she asks. I'm sure your respect for her wishes will only increase her tolerance in situations she is comfortable with. I wear heels everywhere except when I go except football as there is potential to encounter some very intolerant fans who possibly could become violent so I wear trainers. MrsF would ha no problem with me in heels at the football but the point is there are times when you need to adapt to to situations to maintain the status quo yours is when your wonderful wife says not this time please. High heels are the shoes I choose to put on, respect my choice as I repect yours.
hhboots Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Agree with Dr Shoes and FoxyHeels... While I am sure it feels like a major setback with the wife, try looking at things from her perspective. Her co-workers might have been totally cordial and pretend they are cool with it on the surface, but they can be brutal with the rumor mill, and in the inner social circles. She has to work with these people day in and out, and she could find herself in uncomfortable surroundings with her co-workers later on. As for church, not sure what happened there. especially if you had already been wearing them to church in the past, but maybe she has had some negative/hurtful comment from a friend, coworker, or other peer recently and this is making her feel very self concious about it. Maybe ask her if there has been a recent incident that has caused her a problem. But you totally don't want to make this turn into a dividing issue between you and your wife. Finding a woman that is cool with it, even if only partially or part of the time, is a fairly hard thing to do. Some of us got really lucky in that regard. My wife is cool with it most of the time, but there are occasions where she definitely shows some unease about me doing it, and I have totally respect her wishes and back down. I mean some of us heelers can be very selfish in how we think things should be compared to the reality for all of the social aspects. Just because we can go shopping, walk around downtown or at the mall, go to concerts, etc, in heels with little notice or comments is not the exactly the same thing as total acceptance. Anyway, my best advice is to sit down and talk about it, but pick the right time and place to discuss it, not at time when you are trying to go out someplace and she is saying no, but at a time when you are both sitting around and enjoying each other's company, and she is in comfortable surroundings, ask her if there is something bothering her about it or if something changed, but definitely don't pressure her or make her feel bad about it, you really have to be open to seeing it from her side. Well, good luck. Cheers.
Stilletto2004 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Yeah man, be careful. Your family is more important than your footwear. Mike
mlroseplant Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. Although it seemed like a "setback" yesterday, I don't think much has actually changed. I think this is a case where she's got it in her head that the immigrant community will not accept me in heels as easily as the people who were born into and grew up in our American culture. Perhaps she is right. In any case, there's nothing really wrong here, I was just temporarily taken aback by her phraseology.
Shafted Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 It's really cool that she explained it to you (I'm assuming). Shafted, the boots that is! View my gallery here http://www.hhplace.o...afteds-gallery/ or view my heeling thread here http://www.hhplace.org/topic/3850-new-pair-of-boots-starts-me-serious-street-heeling/ - Pm me if you want fashion advice or just need someone to talk to.
Alexis Hill Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 That doesn't sound too bad. Church and co-workers can be circles for gossip and places of gaining advancements in the workplace. If it came down to your wife and another employee they could use your heels as her husband wearing heels as a bad image for the company and possible get the promotion instead. The person in charge hiring won't say that was the reason why but it could happen. As for church a lot of people use it as a networking place too. And depending on the size of the church it can greatly affect how the community views your family. It seems she just doesn't want you to do it in places where people know your names. Other places where you probably won't ever see people again she probably won't care.
Bubba136 Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 There are a couple of things: 1). She is/has received some undercurrent negative vibes about your heels. 2) while the source might or might not have bee to her face, she is concerned enough to take note. Based on your past postings, it is apparent that you are a good parent, husband and family man. Don't allow something as insignificant as high heels ruin things. Take your wife's wishes seriously. More than one of our members has failed to do this and found themselves "single" again and paying alimony and child support. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public.
Steve63130 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Everyone's advice here is good, and you will do well to follow it all. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. Your wife and every other heeling man's wife have a comfort zone. For some it is no heels for hubby at all. For others it's anything goes. For still others, it's like your wife's, somewhere in between. There are some venues where she's fine with your heeling and others where she's out of her comfort zone. So now you know the boundaries. Those boundaries are not hard and fast forever. They can change over time, as your wife becomes more comfortable and more accustomed to your heeling. But that change is very slow. Don't push it too fast or you'll make her uncomfortable and she'll withdraw her approval somewhat, resulting in a giant step backward. Live within the boundaries and you'll be a happy man with a happy wife. Good luck! Steve
mlroseplant Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I have recently learned some information that might explain most of this. We have some friends, who, for the sake of convenience I will call "The Nail Shop Girls." They are all Vietnamese ladies, and I've spent quite a lot of time around them in the last 2 or 3 years. Only one of them would I count as "friend," but for sure, I am always welcome in their shop to chat for a while if they aren't too busy with customers. The nail shop girls are fascinated by my heels. They never pass up an opportunity to take a closer look. They all wear heels to work almost every day, as an aside. However, it has come to my attention that they have been talking to my wife. Not necessarily in a super negative way, but from what my wife says, they seem to be genuinely concerned that there is something wrong with me. This embarrasses her somewhat, as you can imagine. What this means is, for now, if she says, "Wear flatties" I guess I'm gonna wear flatties. Thanks again everyone for your input.
Steve63130 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 "Always compromise, and do it her way!" It makes your marriage last longer! lol Steve
SleekHeels Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It's clearly a dilemma for her but, just as it'd put strain on the relationship if she had to suppress all her concerns, it'd also put strain on the relationship if you had to suppress all desire to wear your heels. I guess what I'm trying to say is that showing appreciation can help to make compromise an easier path, whereas caving in to her insecurities makes non-compromise an easier path out of her dilemma, so make sure she feels special for the compromises she's already made. She needs to feel confident in her decisions in order not to be swayed by wider social opinions (or prejudices). I hope that doesn't sound too preachy, that's not my intention. Good luck to you. If you like it, wear it.
FreshinHeels Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It's clearly a dilemma for her but, just as it'd put strain on the relationship if she had to suppress all her concerns, it'd also put strain on the relationship if you had to suppress all desire to wear your heels. I guess what I'm trying to say is that showing appreciation can help to make compromise an easier path, whereas caving in to her insecurities makes non-compromise an easier path out of her dilemma, so make sure she feels special for the compromises she's already made. She needs to feel confident in her decisions in order not to be swayed by wider social opinions (or prejudices). I hope that doesn't sound too preachy, that's not my intention. Good luck to you. Well said In the process of becoming the person I always was...but didn't dare to let her come out
Curt Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Do we really need acceptance from our spouses? What if you told her, you can't wear heels or pants anymore. She will tell you where to go! Its a double standard. Just my 2 cents.
bluejay Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I appreciate the fact that my wife is ok with my heeling. I would never tell her not to wear something or do something, but I always take her opinion into my consideration with my heeling. Happy Heeling, bluejay
yozz Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Do we really need acceptance from our spouses? What if you told her, you can't wear heels or pants anymore. She will tell you where to go! Its a double standard. Just my 2 cents. I don't think you should look at it that way. Marriage (living together) is not about dictates. Neither her telling you not to wear heels, nor you telling her that you are going to wear heels no matter what. You should show respect for each others feelings, and if there is a conflict, you try to work out a compromise. So, if she does not like you to wear heels, and you have extremely strong feelings that make you want to wear heels, you have to somehow find the middle ground. Both should give in a bit. If very strong preconceived ideas are involved it may take much time and lots of love. And if together you cannot work things out, maybe you should not be together. And sometimes it is just that your SO is trying to protect you against yourself. Like she might be afraid that you make a fool of yourself, or loose your job, or get beaten up, or whatever. A good discussion can help here as well. Y. Raise your voice. Put on some heels.
Curt Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You are probably right! In my experience, it wasn't about not being able to wear heels, but my wife was jealous if I bought some nice shoes. But it was okay if I bought her shoes at the same time. I couldn't enjoy myself because I like to shop. One of the reasons why we split. Getting back to the topic, I think we just want the same fashion freedoms that women have. But all that comes with a pricetag attached.
Puffer Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Yesterday was a bit of an eye-opener for me. My wife actually objected to my heel wearing two times in one day. ... She seems to have no problem if I wear heels when we go shopping ... Yeah man, be careful. Your family is more important than your footwear. I sympathise, mlroseplant; my wife dislikes me wearing heels in any situation. Shortly before Christmas, we met in the town to do some food shopping for a party. I wore my avatar boots. My wife noticed them immediately and told me (not for the first time) that she didn't like them and didn't like me to wear them when out with her, especially as 'people will think you are a poof'. I told her that I liked them and found them comfortable, especially given my sciatica etc - and could not see what was so objectionable about a pair of 'cowboy-style boots' with a slight heel. Nothing more was said but I have little doubt that I will get a blast next time she sees me in them. The interesting thing is that my wife, although somewhat inhibited, has a background in fashion and is sociable, with a wide circle of quite lively female friends (whom I know and like too - several are neighbours). I am doubtful that any of these people or others whom we know would be as negative as she is, even if they thought that I was pushing the envelope a little. And my wife would never conform to my wishes or suggestions about what she should wear, unless she was totally comfortable with them. There is not much I can do about the situation other than to continue to please myself without getting totally excommunicated. Stiletto2004 is right in theory about 'family first' but one's own peace of mind and happiness needs to be maintained in order to have a fulfilling relationship within a family.
Foxyheels Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Puffer if your wife a problem with your avatar boots and still refers to a gay man as a 'poof' then it's her with the problem but as you say you have to maintain your relationship. I feel for you I just couldn't do it. High heels are the shoes I choose to put on, respect my choice as I repect yours.
Guest Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Stick to her wishes. If she does like what you have picked out try something Esle or just do as she wishes.
jerbare Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I just had the same problem. We went out to a hockey game and I had a pair of 2" oxfords and she said "those are woman's shoes" and we need to talk. A couple of days later I had the talk . Mary said that it makes her sick that I would think of wearing any sort of heels and she saw a tote of about 15 pairs of heels and that they must GO. I had to put them in the burn pit and destroy them. I think it is just shoes but to Mary it's much more She wants me to get help and find a bible group. Now we have been married for 38 years so I don't want it to end so I did get rid of 15 pairs I do have some others the ones that I did get rid of were mostly ones that I don't wear. So now it's really on the down low.
yozz Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 As far as I see it, people may think you are gay when you are alone, but if you are walking hand in hand with your wife, they have no idea what to think. Hence it should be easier to go out with her, rather than without her. Works for me. Y. Raise your voice. Put on some heels.
FreshinHeels Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I just had the same problem. We went out to a hockey game and I had a pair of 2" oxfords and she said "those are woman's shoes" and we need to talk. A couple of days later I had the talk . Mary said that it makes her sick that I would think of wearing any sort of heels and she saw a tote of about 15 pairs of heels and that they must GO. I had to put them in the burn pit and destroy them. I think it is just shoes but to Mary it's much more She wants me to get help and find a bible group. Now we have been married for 38 years so I don't want it to end so I did get rid of 15 pairs I do have some others the ones that I did get rid of were mostly ones that I don't wear. So now it's really on the down low. wow I don't think I would be able to do that.(married 27 years) Sounds like there is no middle way at all for you there. Is there no way you can talk to here I mean 38 years marriage ye must have had more compromises. In the process of becoming the person I always was...but didn't dare to let her come out
Puffer Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Puffer if your wife a problem with your avatar boots and still refers to a gay man as a 'poof' then it's her with the problem but as you say you have to maintain your relationship. I feel for you I just couldn't do it. I would rather be called a 'poof' than 'gay' as I deprecate the hi-jacking of the latter word. (Sorry if that non-PC view offends anyone but it is only a word and there are far too many sensitivities of that sort these days.) Stick to her wishes. If she does like what you have picked out try something Esle or just do as she wishes. Your comment is not clear. Are you simply saying that I should only wear what my wife approves of? I just had the same problem. We went out to a hockey game and I had a pair of 2" oxfords and she said "those are woman's shoes" and we need to talk. A couple of days later I had the talk . Mary said that it makes her sick that I would think of wearing any sort of heels and she saw a tote of about 15 pairs of heels and that they must GO. I had to put them in the burn pit and destroy them. I think it is just shoes but to Mary it's much more ... I have a few other, more feminine, shoes that my wife knows nothing about. I don't know what her reaction would be if she saw them (on me or not) but I suspect it would involve an ultimatum. If so, I am doubtful that I would allow her to dictate my destiny; my marriage might well then collapse. It is not that heels are critical to my life, more about my right to enjoy my own otherwise harmless (and essentially private) pursuits. My wife would strongly resist any attempt by me to dictate her conduct. As far as I see it, people may think you are gay when you are alone, but if you are walking hand in hand with your wife, they have no idea what to think. Hence it should be easier to go out with her, rather than without her. Works for me. Y. Yes, perhaps so. But her problem appears to be more about being seen with me in heels than with me wearing them by myself. And I suspect that holding hands would be off-limits when doing so (maybe I should try?)!
Histiletto Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 It is not my intention to seem unsympathetic to this discussion, but women can wear any outfit they please, which may include articles that have been taylored as men's attire and their femaleness never seems to be put in question. Even the lines of menswear for women are actually combining the gender stereotypes, but let any man put on one of those menswear suits (which may actually fits better than regular men's suiting) and they become flawed people who have committed moral sins in the eyes of the socially indoctrinated disciples (sheep). I often wonder how much more enriched our whole society would have been, had men not relinguished the wearing of high heels and other appareling styles over the last few centuries. Much of the way people dress now is due to social decrees along with practicality. Had society stayed out of the controlling people business and made sure there were greater opportunites to learn and apply, perhaps people would be better at relating to one another. Under this senario, people wouldn't be strangers to each other and they would know men and women do have similar desires and thoughts according to the individuals they are. Therefore, the gender theory would have been understood better and people wouldn't be so messed up when they have instincts that were stereotyped for the opposite gender. Now, as a man, I honor and respect females and males equally for we are all human beings trying to make the best life we can with what we have to deal with. Can't we accept people as they are and not force upon them an identity they aren't; nor should they have to live up to the ideals of their stereotyping where the mentality is "one size fits all". Men and women have been known to carry on through very tough circumstances and yet both still need to feel the tenderness of their children's caress and be a part of them as they grow. Am I so different as a human being when I desire to adorn my image with an array of attiring articles that bring me joy in presenting them as part of my appearance, just as other humans should have the free agency to choose from their sense of style? You may not like my selections; nor I yours, but we can be happy for each other's ornamental diversities. There still needs to be the sense of health and morality along with the right to apply our personal agency, for these are equally necessary to keep a civil community.
HappyinHeels Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 mlroseplant, Read your situation with great interest. Your situation may have the best parallel with what member lightknight8 said about his wife supporting his wearing high heels but couldn't quite support him polishing his toenails and wearing open-toe shoes. You'll see within that post that another member, freestyle75, crafted this graph thats shows the "space-time continuum" of a wife's acceptance of her husband wearing high heels and just how lucky lightknoght8 really is. The theme of that thread from the hhplace crowd was he should realize how lucky he is and try to abide by her wishes lest the support wane. I suggested that once his wife saw he was living by the limitations she set she'd probably suggest he start polishing his toes. I believe the advice in that situation is appropriate here. Dr. Shoe makes a great point about this and her opinions are always well though out an many others have echoed the same thing. Look closely at the two times she is most concerned; wearing heels to church and around her co-workers. These are precisely the two places most likely to generate negative attention and will become the nest of future gossip birds. Your wife appears to support you on all other occasions so take stock of that and realize she has weighed the situation and thinks this way is the best one to avoid potential trouble. The comment about wear your "real" shoes was dumb but probably said for emphasis rather than for accuracy. I think if she sees that you are abiding by her concerns, over time you may find that she may suggest a road trip somewhere where you both sport some heeled footwear and go enjoy yourselves. Communication is the master key to opening all doors throughout life. HappyinHeels
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