Change of girlfriend

[HHfanatic]

Think this situation... You are singel, been singel for a looong time. Your last girlfriend kicked you out becouse of your "need" of high heels. And finelly you find this girl, she is perfect...well, almost..she just dont like high heels. Not for herself, and absolutly not on you. Would you kick her out and continue looking for another partner that understand your needs better? Even thow she may not be that perfect as this one?

[Danielinheels]

How willing is she to compromise? I think the fact that you're upfront about who you are, and were willing to show how "different" you are speaks well to your character, and if she can't get over herself, then it's her loss.

[Guest]

I for one 2nd that answer! (hint" she aint worth your time")

[t-strap lover]

If I had it to do over again, I would go for a girl that liked heels and supported me in my heel wearing.

[flavio]

A girl that don't like or at least wear high heels herself is not for me, sorry if it's too cheap. My wife wears heels herself, she's not passionate but she is tasty in her shoe selection. She respects my heeling, doesn't approve for outdoor wearing but is ok with my shoe taste.

[secondtake20]

I am going through this right now. We split for other reasons and I hope to one day find a women who wears heels and supports my wearing heels passion.

[Maximilian]

For me, a womans' fashion taste plays a big part in my physical attraction towards her. While I won't expect her to wear heels all the time, she would have to be a woman who enjoys wearing heels. My ex did not wear heels and it honestly bothered me. At this point in my life, I'm aware that I'll always enjoy/want to include heels as part of my wardrobe. If my gf/partner who won't be able to accept this, I'm afraid the relationship will fail simply because I believe that your partner should accept you for who you are, at least when it comes to the things most dear to you. Dressing up how I wish IS important to me. If she can't handle it then it simply won't work. It's a crappy deal since finding a woman you like who likes you as well is hard enough these days. Finding one that would accept the fact that her man likes to wear heels makes it MUCH harder. I am who I am though.

[johnieheel]

Simple. If she cannot except me for who I am, don't waste my time.

[yozz]

I am seconding what Johnie says. If she cannot accept you for what you are, it is hard to see how she can be perfect. If she only wants you because of your looks and your role and you accept that you will not be living your own life. Eventually that will create enormous stress. Presumably you can postpone your heeling for some time, but the general pattern is that in the end the urge becomes stronger and stronger. What will happen then? Will she accept? Of course she doesn't have to be enthousiastic about it, as long as she will not see it as a cause to break up, or to nag you about it. If she doesn't have that in her, staying with here is a recipe for future trouble. You can read that here in many threads. Tolerance is enough, enthousiasm is profit. Y.

[Thighboots2]

I'm with you Johnieheel. Simon.

[radiodave]

x3 for me. My ex accepted my heel wearing, but we split for other reasons. She was the first to say that whoever I meet should accept it, and I shouldn't be anything but who I am. Heels are certainly part of who I am. Now that may narrow the playing field somewhat, but I figure I'll either be miserable not wearing heels, or we'll both be miserable because she won't tolerate it. If someone significant told me she didn't like my heels, I'd probably say "No problem!" - followed by "Nice knowing you". The way I see it, she would have no more say telling me not to wear heels than telling me I can't drive my MG, or that I have to get rid of my antique radio collection, or stop being a ham radio operator. While any relationship takes some compromise, there's a difference between acceptance, expecting the other person to change, or changing who you are to please the other. The latter two can only end up badly for both. In my case with my ex, we both changed in many ways, but realized while the change was good for us as individuals, we were really different in many ways. I'm with Yozz, I'd love to meet someone who is enthusiastic about my wearing heels, and if she loves to wear heels herself, so much the better. My ex stressed positive thinking though. If you believe you will find that person, you will.

[Heel_Boy]

the thing is there is alot of things that alot of us would like to do, Id like to dress up as a school girl and be told off but thats another story lol but what I mean is if she is a match in everyother way could you personally give up this one thing? It all balances on how important hh's are in your life, if you feel you couldn't live without them then maybe you should explain that to her and see what her reaction is. No one can tell you what it takes to make you happy and if your not happy you should do what it takes to make you happy even if that means leaving her.

[wxman25]

if you have a checklist of 20 things that make a S/F great and they fill 19 of those things and the 20th is your love of heels. Would you give up all of the rest? that would be a tough call

[Heel_Boy]

if you have a checklist of 20 things that make a S/F great and they fill 19 of those things and the 20th is your love of heels. Would you give up all of the rest? that would be a tough call

Agree, if its just that one thing you could be making a mistake to walk away, but only you can make that choice

[mtnsofheels]

Having a GF and acceptance of who are. It took along time for me to accept that I was ok and normal to have this love for HH's and boots. So much that the cycles of get rid of the shoes, attempt without them, buy some more shoes,double guess and finally just accept who I was and am. It took 20 years or more. Then finding a GF who will eventually find the stash and ask what is this? Finally being up front and honest allowed me to be who I am and accept me for my interests and rest of me too. To have GF/SO say, no I can not have you do this or not accept it is as part of me. We can not hide or give this stuff up, we can not bury our interests and hope it will go away, it dosn't. So in being honest with self I would have to say "I don't think this can work" Then I am honest with her. Mtnsofheels

[gary0618]

ummmmm

I guess I have been very lucky in some ways.

Four girlfrieds over 20 years, non had a problem with my heels. All even bought me heels as gifts. Three of the four actually wore my heels at times.

Number five was the best. I married her. It was great whilst it lasted. We bought many heels for each other, she was completly accepting and supportive. She was even a member here for over a year.

For your own sanity, find a girl who will accept your choice of footwear. In the long term, you will be much happier.

I now have a 'few' female friends. All know about my heels, and none have a problem with it. These women are just friends and I go to dinner, movies, or just hang out with each of them, while wearing My Heels.

Good Luckl to You

[johnieheel]

if you have a checklist of 20 things that make a S/F great and they fill 19 of those things and the 20th is your love of heels. Would you give up all of the rest? that would be a tough call

If she agreed to my heels and no to the other 19, I think we could work something out.

[Saturn]

When I was dating my current girlfriend, I had to figure out what kind of person she was before I let her into my "crazy" world of wearing heels. When I thought long and hard about it, I decided that I knew her well enough and that she loved me for who I was. While many think that I was "withholding information" and I should have been upfront and honest about it, look at it THIS way: If I was upfront and honest, and my heel wearing scared her away, then she would have lost out on a great boyfriend - namely, me (tooting my own horn, but I don't care). Now that she knows how great I am (and I know how great she is) and that we're in love, the heel wearing was almost negligible when it came up. Her words, not mine: "If wearing women's shoes is as weird as you get, you're really not that weird." She even went as far to say that heels looked "kinda sexy" on me, which REALLY made me feel good, because honestly I don't think the type of shoes that I wear (thin-heeled stilettos, etc) look great on me, so hearing it from her was just great. She supports my street heeling only if they're more discreet heels - I bought a pair of 3" block heel boots that I wear with pants, and she has no problem. Of course, it turns out she has some weird things of her own, but that's for another forum altogether. Needless to say, we're happy.

[FXHH]

a choice of this nature is very difficult!! heeling is a part of us, and dont try and suppress it it does not go away, think we all know that however being alone, is also not nice!! having a girlfriend/wife and being unhappy is also no good only one can decide for one self, we can get advice from our HH friends, however in the end the decision is ours and we have to live with the consequences of those decisions been in relationships where hills were accepted, and yet it was other intolerable things that tore the relationship apart now in a relation ship where its frown upon, she knows about my Fetish for heels, just does not know how far it goes, will get there one day any case besides that its the best relationship I've had!! thats why, have not pushed it that much!! so where does one draw the line and say either or!!! best of luck with your decisions, maybe show her this site, and explain to her using things like woman wear pants, thats mens wear, men wore HH before woman, its has a lot to do with the way people were brought up and their preconceived ideas, and sometimes once peoples minds open, they then accept a lot more things much easier my 1st ex, accepted then turned it against me, and then wished to reconcile, too late, damage done!! good luck and be care full!!

[w6ish]

keep it simple and get rid of her. don't waste your time. get busy instead with the whatever way it is you want to go.

[hhboots]

Definitely agree with many here... If this part of your life is very important to you, you would be miserable hiding it or even putting it aside completely for a woman. You would eventually resent her for it. I have been married for more than 10 years to a woman that accepts it and I would be crushed if she were to move on and I would have do this all over again. If I had to start over with a woman, I would present it to her slowly, for sure don't push it on her right away, make sure she likes you and your personality first before going full speed on the heels. Some here might disagree with that and would say start with it right from the start, maybe they have the mojo to pull it off, but I remember dating was not easy for me, so adding that element to it at the time would have been way over the top.

[highestheels]

I am recently divorced from a 12 year marriage with a lady that always wore trainers and flats. After many a conversation about heels she was never really interested so we decided that enough was enough! I must admit it is pretty scary to be on my own and would love to meet a like minded person where I could be myself. All I can say is now I am training more than ever to get into my new 7 inch heels. I know it will take a few months but I know that i will do it! So I agree if you are not happy with your relationship then you must take the plunge and by scary single!! It has only been a month but I have decided that loneliness is better than not being happy in a relationship. Now to improve the mood I am going to find a lady that wears high heels and will encourage me to wear my heels out of the house. It is pretty specialised but she must be out there! Optimism is a good cure after a heart stopping divorce.

[Arctic]

I have to go against the stream here. It's just about shoes, people. A compatible partner might be hard to find. If you really like green shirts but your one-in-a-million partner thinks they look awful on you, are you going to derange the partner? She might have a point and might have a better view on the opinion of the general population than you have. I am all in favor of tolerance and all, but I have requirements for my partner, too: no smoking, no exceptions. I hate people who smoke, and I puke my guts out when among them. Is that an unfair requirement? Perhaps to some. Life is about compromises. But if you are going to end up living with someone you actually don't care for just so you can wear a particular kind of shoes, I don't think I can say you have a balanced set of values. Keep in mind that your girlfriend might end up as the mother of your children. Being a father of 2 and married for almost 10 years, I can tell you that shoes are WAY down the list of priorities. My wife is smart, well educated, makes a lot of money, a great mother, is attractive, mentally stable, has a good taste and is very independent. Heels on men are for her an absolute NO but considering the entire package I think I got a pretty good deal anyhow.

[Bubba136]

So, Artic, how do you handle wearing heels or other items of feminine clothing?

[roniheels]

Simple. If she cannot except me for who I am, don't waste my time.

That is the correct answer. Be polite, say goodbye, and move on.

[Arctic]

So, Artic, how do you handle wearing heels or other items of feminine clothing?

I only do leather boots, usually black ones.

I simply respect my wife's request not to get exposed to them and she hasn't seen a pair since spring 2001, which is also when we last discussed the topic.

That was our deal then and I stick to it.

If I am going somewhere where I am not likely to be seen, I throw a box or two in my car and if I feel like wearing them I do so.

[yozz]

I only do leather boots, usually black ones.

I simply respect my wife's request not to get exposed to them and she hasn't seen a pair since spring 2001, which is also when we last discussed the topic.

That was our deal then and I stick to it.

If I am going somewhere where I am not likely to be seen, I throw a box or two in my car and if I feel like wearing them I do so.

You know Artic, we all have been bitten by the bug to different degrees.

In your case you can handle your solution and because of that it is difficult to see

that for other people this is a much stronger thing. As you see from many reactions,

there are people for whom the heels and the need to wear them is part of their

personality. The discussion is then whether your SO accepts your personality or

whether (s)he tries to make you alter part of yourself.

Yes, if you look at it from the material viewpoint, they are only shoes. Pieces of

plastic or leather or whatever other material. But psychologically they can have

a rather great impact.

And, from what we are learning about the mind, this effect doesn't go away. You can

suppress it temporarily, but it will come back.

If your SO isn't going to respect your inner being, you have a problem.

In my opinion you select a partner to share things with. Not because they have a

big salary, have an academic title, blond hair or whatever. Money doesn't buy

happiness (look at Hollywood). The fact that when you come home you can

really unwind and be yourself, that counts.

This is why so many people here want their SO to accept their heeling. That way

at least they don't have to do playacting at home.

The next issue is of course that if your SO doesn't accept your heeling, can you

change her/his mind about it? (((maybe there should be a FAQ about this))).

If the answer is no, most experiences are that one is up for trouble eventually.

Y.

[raymond.nl]

Life is about compromises.

Although I strongly disagree on that one, I agree that if life were about compromises you seem to have gotten a pretty good deal.

Different people live different lives. If you want (or even need) your partner to acknowledge and accept the "total you", then keep looking for your needle in the haystack. (I'm extremely happy I've found mine!) If shoes or any other aspect of yourself is just an item on a priority list, you're bound to make different choices.

Different people...

[Bubba136]

Arctic, there are conflicts in every relationship. No matter how much compromise is made, one partner always emerges as the dominant force and sets the boundaries in which the relationship functions. In most marriages, for instance, women usually run the house and make major decisions concerning furnishing, menu, decorating, etc. And, even though the outside tasks are relegated to males, landscape choices and even choice of automobiles are usually made by the dominant female. Most males usually just go along (compromise), choosing not to "make waves." In some relationships the male figure is so totally submissive that the dominant female partner can control all phases of the relationship. Factors leading to total control result from many things. One factor is if the submissive partner is not totally comfortable with their own self. In other words, he believes that he has some personality characteristics that are not in tune with the way he perceives "strong males should perform." The way I view your situation is that you are content to allow your partner to set the tone for life in your sphere. She "allows" certain things and practices and "prohibits" others. And, should you not "compromise" to her views or attitude, you suffer her displeasure. As yozz says (paraphrase) It ain't going away. It never will. Quite frankly, I am surprised that you have the willpower to submerse your feelings as much as you have. At some point down the road these feelings will surface and you will not have any choice except to surrender to them -- or else find a good psychologist that can help you find the strength to resist them. In final analysis, in my opinion, you're in for a long, long, extremely uncomfortable and unhappy life. Your relationship will never be "totally happy." There will always be points of conflict, places or issues where you feel that you are correct but your partner believes otherwise. And, her views and wishes will prevail. But then again, perhaps you are one of those men that really believe that you were born to fill the slot that you are filling. And, if that is the case, you are where you need to be and with the partner you need to have.

[Arctic]

Some responses...

You know Artic, we all have been bitten by the bug to different degrees. In your case you can handle your solution and because of that it is difficult to see that for other people this is a much stronger thing. As you see from many reactions, there are people for whom the heels and the need to wear them is part of their personality.

All true, apart from the thing where you say that it is hard for me to see something from someone else's perspective. You do not know me and have no idea how empathic I am.

The discussion is then whether your SO accepts your personality or

whether (s)he tries to make you alter part of yourself.

What about the third alternative ie. not accepting and asking not to be exposed? You don't always have to put up with everything. Neither do I, and I am very tolerant.

Yes, if you look at it from the material viewpoint, they are only shoes. Pieces of plastic or leather or whatever other material. But psychologically they can have a rather great impact.

If I wouldn't know that, what have I been doing here for the last 5 years?

And, from what we are learning about the mind, this effect doesn't go away. You can suppress it temporarily, but it will come back.

I am strongly relying on common sense, and it works.

If your SO isn't going to respect your inner being, you have a problem.

I think it is not unfair to say I am in a better position to determine if I have a problem or not.

In my opinion you select a partner to share things with. Not because they have a big salary, have an academic title, blond hair or whatever. Money doesn't buy happiness (look at Hollywood).

I rather not look to Hollywood for advise or otherwise. Also, I never said that I chose a partner because of the salary, the degree, or the looks.

Although, I would like to point out that usually poor people say that money doesn't bring happiness, that ugly people claim beauty comes from the heart, and you rarely hear a PhD say that an education doesn't mean much in life later on.

And I, nor my wife, are extremely rich, attractive, or well read so I think I can say that.

The fact that when you come home you can really unwind and be yourself, that counts. This is why so many people here want their SO to accept their heeling. That way at least they don't have to do playacting at home.

And how does what I said earlier contradict this? Sure, it is nicer not to abide by any rules but I say that rules by themselves are not limiting happiness. If it is ok not to drive over 65 MPH, it is also ok not to hit my wife in her face with something she rather not sees.