Marriage and shoe fetish

[Gudulitooo]

9 hours ago, AJ777 said:

My wife HATES my shoe fetish, she has no idea that I love to wear them either. I am straight but this has been the progression of my heel fetish and I love the feel of them and I can not associate what women feel when in them. The heel fetish is going to be the end of our marriage sooner than later sadly. She does not get it at all

 

On 2/1/2017 at 0:02 AM, cgllc1860 said:

You make a lot of sense it is easier to be your own person alone.

i am committed to my wife as she is too me. I am looking for fresh approach that may have worked for other couples to present to her.

 

I suggest both of you have your wives talk together. That could resolve the problem for both.

On any topic (kids, familly, clothes, car, furniture, holidays, health), when I propose something new to my wife, she would be half (or lower) convinced. It can take months without agreement (or disagrement) on her side.

Then suddenly she would accidentally meet a friend / her cousin / an unknown other woman at the hair dresser / (in fact anybody) suggesting her something regarding this same topic (of course reaching the same conclusion). Then she will be 2 /3 third convinced.

Best

[cgllc1860]

AJ

i am new to this forum so I do not know you guy very well, but I will say that so far I have been impressed with the depth of knowledge that I was afforded.

So, now I am offering to reciprocate. My wife and I dated for several years prior to being married and now we are approaching 20 years and still struggling with my fetish by the way. The good news is during the early years and even the 1st half of the marriage my wife like yours was very angers about the thought of me wearing high heels for my own pleasure. My wife eventually reviewed that she felt threatened by the idea that she may loose the man she loved . I assured her that it was a visual turn on not a life changing event she remaind unconvinced for years knowing my believing it would turn into a slippery slope. 

Well the fetish has gone in a few different directions but I am still all male and my wife has opened her mind and become to support me. So my point is, don't give up! If you would like I could share some experiences that brought us closer on the topic.

 

 

[Stoney3057]

Chloe I would love to know more, as I am in the same boat as you. As crazy as it sounds, but your story is 95% true to my own. She accepted the toe nail polish and shaving of the legs, but she can't get over why I want to wear pantyhose and heels. We have been married for 22 years.

[Bubba136]

The issue of how to deal with your wife and your high heel deal has long been a subject of discussion on this site.  If you, or any other member, is interested in learning how other members handled it, l would suggest they search through the archives of read comments of others before they decide on a solution that fits their situation the best.

[HappyinHeels]

Gudulitoo,

As much as I want to think the French spirit of Laissez-faire and joie de vivre would work its magic I know it doesn't work ALL the time. I believe any woman's trepidation with her man wearing heels has more to do with the perception she will lose the "man" she fell in love with. She fears you will somehow turn into someone she can't understand or love anymore as if the first heel on your foot means sexual reassignment surgery is just a year away. Such women must be convinced, and reassured, your ability to love and protect, provide for her or for kids, and do the sort of things a husband is normally expected to do is not conditioned or defined by the type of footwear or clothing you occasionally choose to wear.  She should ask herself: Is my husband loyal and have any of our financial obligations been mismanaged? Is the house maintained? Has my husband changed in any meaningful way just because he wears heels? If the answer is no to all of these questions then the fear is unfounded. If we men were to judge our spouse by this same standard then we should be angry when our spouses started getting tattoos or started wearing pants instead of dresses. Truly caring and understanding people will realize their fears are based upon not understanding something surrounding a loved one which always clouds the issue.  Remember, l'egalite est une rue de deux sentiers. (Equality is a two-way street). I hope this helps you in your current situation. HappyinHeels

[pebblesf]

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 8:22 PM, AJ777 said:

My wife HATES my shoe fetish, she has no idea that I love to wear them either. I am straight but this has been the progression of my heel fetish and I love the feel of them and I can not associate what women feel when in them. The heel fetish is going to be the end of our marriage sooner than later sadly. She does not get it at all

AJ

I am so sorry to hear this, unfortunately I have the same problem.  I hope your wife has a change of heart.

My partner knows how I love high heel boots, and knows I have them.  I just wish he would try to be even slightly accepting, his criticisms and belittling comments only push us apart. 

Bubba is 100 percent correct though, I should have revealed my boot fetish early in our relationship, I guess I can't blame him for seeing my boots as "the other guy"....

[Cali]

On 1/25/2017 at 5:22 PM, AJ777 said:

My wife HATES my shoe fetish, she has no idea that I love to wear them either. I am straight but this has been the progression of my heel fetish and I love the feel of them and I can not associate what women feel when in them. The heel fetish is going to be the end of our marriage sooner than later sadly. She does not get it at all

My now Ex knew that I started to wear women's running shoes after my 3 ankle reconstruction. She never paid enough attention to notice when I started to wear booties with 1 to 1.5 inch heels.  But she had terrible taste in shoes and ugly feet, bunions etc. Our marriage feel apart over other things, but I also knew she would never accept me for me. Compromise? What compromise? 

What I saying is that if your foot wear is the cause of your breakup, then there was not much of a relationship to begin with. 

If you want your SO to be okay with your choice of footwear then stop calling it a fetish and treating it as a fetish.

Today I returned my madden girl combat boots to Macy's (didn't fit  ) while wearing a polo shirt, shorts, and my Steve Madden Lace-up wedges with a 5" heel. Purchased a scrub from one of the make-up counters and no one notice my heels (or my colored toenails). They're just my NORMAL EVERYDAY FOOTWEAR.

[Gudulitooo]

17 hours ago, HappyinHeels said:

She should ask herself: Is my husband loyal and have any of our financial obligations been mismanaged? Is the house maintained? Has my husband changed in any meaningful way just because he wears heels? If the answer is no to all of these questions then the fear is unfounded

In my opinion the wives are not going to ask themselves these questions spontaneously, and even less find the conclusion all alone. This will need some help.

Having women confronted to the same situation, meet and talk to each other may help.

 

[HappyinHeels]

Gudulitoo,

Cali, our Central California professor, makes a good point. If this relationship falls apart over something as small as shoes then it was not a substantial relationship to begin with. The questions I posed would be what a reasonable person would ask themselves whether reflexively or by way of dialogue with a friend. An earnest, and reasonable person, who wants to understand an issue and actually attempt to resolve it would ask these questions.

I second the motion for not calling it a fetish. Men wearing heels is a fetish like women wearing tattoos is fetish. Oh, no, that's different. Fetish, while not usually illegal by statute, is usually associated with behavior considered on the margins and people cast a wary eye upon it. You have a passion for heels no different than many women have a passion for shopping or makeup. These passions do NOT make them fetishists. Equality is a two-way street and you must fight for your "right-of-way" or  droit de passage. Une opinion d'un membre ici.     HappyinHeels

[Cali]

High heels are my footwear, not my fetish. I want people to see them as "just my footwear", so I must treat them as "just my footwear". I can't ask others to do it if I don't do it, you've got to lead by example.   That being said, there is no reason (except space) that I can't have 35 - 40 pairs, specially if this is what I wear. 

 

[Gudulitooo]

On 21/6/2017 at 5:25 PM, HappyinHeels said:

An earnest, and reasonable person

HappyinHeels,

Yes but women are supposed to be emotional, lighthearted and illogical.

That is what it is said to explain why women kept wearing high heels, while men discarded the idea after the end of monarchies centuries ago, when wearing heels was a symbol of aristocracy. Who wants to belong to aristocracy when republicans behead them ? That was reasonable.

Now we want to explain to women that they should stay with a man wearing heels, a type of shoe said to be uncomfortable, unhealthy for your feet, back and ankles, and that prevents the wearer from moving as quickly as he/she could ?

You could directly say that her man has become emotional, lighthearted, and illogical, and she now has to deal with seriousness and reason.

They should be allowed to discuss this with each other.

 

[Shyheels]

Heels for men went out of fashion decades before the French Revolution. Sometime around 1730 or even a bit earlier. Their popularity was actually declining by the end of the 17th century. 

[Cali]

25 minutes ago, Shyheels said:

Heels for men went out of fashion decades before the French Revolution. Sometime around 1730 or even a bit earlier. Their popularity was actually declining by the end of the 17th century. 

So it's time to bring heels back! I'm doing my part are you?

 

1 hour ago, Gudulitooo said:

Yes but women are supposed to be emotional, lighthearted and illogical.

You could directly say that her man has become emotional, lighthearted, and illogical, and she now has to deal with seriousness and reason.

They should be allowed to discuss this with each other.

 

But the premise is false.

[Gudulitooo]

1 hour ago, Cali said:

But the premise is false.

Some use it as a cons to men in heels though. And others refer to it subconsciously, provided that this word exists ?

And why would women wear uncomfortable shoes if not because of - or thanks to - this premise ?

Edited June 22, 2017 by Gudulitooo
my english is getting worst and worst

[Cali]

9 hours ago, Gudulitooo said:

And why would women wear uncomfortable shoes if not because of - or thanks to - this premise ?

Because the shoes are pretty and they look good in them.

But it was a women who gave some words of wisdom concerning buying shoes:

"Life's too short for shoes that don't fit"

[Shyheels]

11 hours ago, Cali said:

So it's time to bring heels back! I'm doing my part are you?

 

But the premise is false.

Afraid I am not doing my part. I don't really wear heels. I do like knee and otk boots though and do my little bit to bring them back into vogue for men. Light up my corner of the world.

[Thighbootguy]

On 6/22/2017 at 3:28 AM, Cali said:

High heels are my footwear, not my fetish. I want people to see them as "just my footwear", so I must treat them as "just my footwear". I can't ask others to do it if I don't do it, you've got to lead by example.

If you replace "high heels" with "tall boots", that's me.  The people that see me all the time don't question my footwear, except when I'm not wearing boots.  Folks that have never seen me before sometimes take a second look and I see it is an opportunity for public education.  I haven't received a negative comment for a long time.

[Cali]

55 minutes ago, Thighbootguy said:

The people that see me all the time don't question my footwear, except when I'm not wearing boots.

I get the same reaction. Yesterday our admin told me she can't remember not in heels.

 

[pebblesf]

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 8:22 PM, AJ777 said:

My wife HATES my shoe fetish, she has no idea that I love to wear them either. I am straight but this has been the progression of my heel fetish and I love the feel of them and I can not associate what women feel when in them. The heel fetish is going to be the end of our marriage sooner than later sadly. She does not get it at all

AJ-  I will reply to the response that said something like ....wasn't much of a marriage if shoes can tear it apart.....

I will add that it is not the shoes/heels themselves that might ruin the marriage, but the unfair/untrue assumptions that are applied to a man that likes to wear heels....The wife worries the husband is gay, trans, CD, etc....  We all know these assumptions have no foundation in fact, but we need to understand how/why the wife my worry.  Society has applied these ridiculous assumptions to us for many years.  I love the advice about having your wife meet/talk with other wives of us heel lovers.  Might not be too easy to find someone local to speak with though.  Urging your wife to look at this website is great advice as well, she will see that male heel lovers come in all shapes/sizes/preferences etc.  Hopefully this will help her realize that her fears are unfounded, but she will need plenty of time. 

Will be thinking of you, hope things can work out OK for you both...

[Histiletto]

cgllc1860, 

The supporting comments you have received have been invaluable. I hope they help you and your wife to find the right directions in finding a solution both of you can live with. You wife probably knows you better than you think, so give her the love and respect she expects. It's the small things that will be important. A smile, an ear full of sweet nothings, leaving notes of intrigue, comfort, and love in obvious places, doing things that helps her day go smoother, lets her know she is the only real important part of life you have reason to live for. The allure of heels has become a realization in your life, probably as much as she has also been affected by their beauty and the way they make her feel. However, the time and the program for the wearing of heels has been part of her growing up, while you haven't been able to go through the same type of process because of the social attitude. Men and women are not as different as we have been led to think. Just as you want to wear attractive footwear to feel special, she most likely wants to wear her favorites also for the same special experience. Let's quit seeing each other as aliens and realize we are individuals with our own set of desires and tastes that are naturally connected with the need for satisfaction. These are the type of things marriage partners have to opportunity to share with each other and then seeing them fulfilled together gives life more treasures to look forward in satisfying. It's the small things that bind or erode a marriage.    

Edited June 24, 2017 by Histiletto

[pebblesf]

On ‎6‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 1:37 AM, Histiletto said:

cgllc1860, 

The supporting comments you have received have been invaluable. I hope they help you and your wife to find the right directions in finding a solution both of you can live with. You wife probably knows you better than you think, so give her the love and respect she expects. It's the small things that will be important. A smile, an ear full of sweet nothings, leaving notes of intrigue, comfort, and love in obvious places, doing things that helps her day go smoother, lets her know she is the only real important part of life you have reason to live for. The allure of heels has become a realization in your life, probably as much as she has also been affected by their beauty and the way they make her feel. However, the time and the program for the wearing of heels has been part of her growing up, while you haven't been able to go through the same type of process because of the social attitude. Men and women are not as different as we have been led to think. Just as you want to wear attractive footwear to feel special, she most likely wants to wear her favorites also for the same special experience. Let's quit seeing each other as aliens and realize we are individuals with our own set of desires and tastes that are naturally connected with the need for satisfaction. These are the type of things marriage partners have to opportunity to share with each other and then seeing them fulfilled together gives life more treasures to look forward in satisfying. It's the small things that bind or erode a marriage.    

Beautifully stated indeed...

[redandwhite]

Well, this week I join the group of failed marriages due to heels/Boots fetish. I think there's worse "addictions" to have, mine obviously thinks it's too much. At the time we met (both in our late teens) she wore heels often. When we started dating, she knew I liked heels/boots more than the average person. When we were married I treated her to nice footwear, which was also a treat for me!!!!. Some she actively liked, some she hated and I returned. As time went on she wore them less and less, it led to resentment and my eventual decision to wear them. It came to a head recently and she decided to end it all. Somehow I'm the bad guy!!!!!!

[Cali]

I'm sorry to hear this R&W. I'm sure there are other reasons as well. In my last marriage I wasn't ever wrong, just never right. If I said "A" then she would said "B" and if I said "B" then she would say "A". If she wanted "A" and I did "A" then it wasn't right either. I could never do anything right (according to her).  She would say something and then forget what she said and change her mind, so I got hung out to dry too many times. What really got me was her inability to compromise, which is an important component in a healthy relationship. And it is required if you go to marriage counseling. Since she couldn't compromise, I said no to marriage counseling. It was her way or the highway, I chose the highway. After 20 years, two kids, and... I had enough and said so.

Edited June 26, 2017 by Cali

[Bubba136]

5 hours ago, redandwhite said:

Well, this week I join the group of failed marriages due to heels/Boots fetish. I think there's worse "addictions" to have, mine obviously thinks it's too much. At the time we met (both in our late teens) she wore heels often. When we started dating, she knew I liked heels/boots more than the average person. When we were married I treated her to nice footwear, which was also a treat for me!!!!. Some she actively liked, some she hated and I returned. As time went on she wore them less and less, it led to resentment and my eventual decision to wear them. It came to a head recently and she decided to end it all. Somehow I'm the bad guy!!!!!!

As you allude, there is a long list of members of this community that have preceded you along this path.  So sad that she isn't willing to talk the situation through with you -- at least trying to understand your side.  While I fully recognize her disliking your "unusual attraction" to female footwear, I am really surprised she wouldn't even consider listening to your explanation on the subject before making her decision.  Perhaps she has and just couldn't adjust to the idea that her man was "different."  

 

[pebblesf]

On ‎6‎/‎26‎/‎2017 at 0:19 PM, redandwhite said:

Well, this week I join the group of failed marriages due to heels/Boots fetish. I think there's worse "addictions" to have, mine obviously thinks it's too much. At the time we met (both in our late teens) she wore heels often. When we started dating, she knew I liked heels/boots more than the average person. When we were married I treated her to nice footwear, which was also a treat for me!!!!. Some she actively liked, some she hated and I returned. As time went on she wore them less and less, it led to resentment and my eventual decision to wear them. It came to a head recently and she decided to end it all. Somehow I'm the bad guy!!!!!!

Well, you are definitely not the bad guy...I'm sorry to hear of this, I can relate to your situation totally, my boots have brought my relationship to the brink of disaster several times....We are still together, but I realize the relationship is badly damaged even though we truly love each other very much...

Best of luck to you, I'm hoping the sad ending to this chapter of your life will eventually lead to happiness and a more accepting girl friend/wife. 

[pebblesf]

On ‎6‎/‎26‎/‎2017 at 1:37 PM, Cali said:

I'm sorry to hear this R&W. I'm sure there are other reasons as well. In my last marriage I wasn't ever wrong, just never right. If I said "A" then she would said "B" and if I said "B" then she would say "A". If she wanted "A" and I did "A" then it wasn't right either. I could never do anything right (according to her).  She would say something and then forget what she said and change her mind, so I got hung out to dry too many times. What really got me was her inability to compromise, which is an important component in a healthy relationship. And it is required if you go to marriage counseling. Since she couldn't compromise, I said no to marriage counseling. It was her way or the highway, I chose the highway. After 20 years, two kids, and... I had enough and said so.

So sorry, sure hope things are better now, and that your freedom has also given you a better relationship with your kids....

[Cali]

1 hour ago, pebblesf said:

So sorry, sure hope things are better now, and that your freedom has also given you a better relationship with your kids....

It was scary at first. But you can only hear the statement "If you don't like it you can leave" so many times until you say, "I had enough of that" and "I tried of doing everything wrong". When it becomes abundantly clear that you and your spouse are not working on a common future together, then there is no future together. Besides she has awful taste in shoes.

I'm much happier now. And every time she has done to "get back at me" has back fired on her. And I just smile. I stay civil for the sake of our children, otherwise I would never talk to her again.

[pebblesf]

7 hours ago, Cali said:

It was scary at first. But you can only hear the statement "If you don't like it you can leave" so many times until you say, "I had enough of that" and "I tried of doing everything wrong". When it becomes abundantly clear that you and your spouse are not working on a common future together, then there is no future together. Besides she has awful taste in shoes.

I'm much happier now. And every time she has done to "get back at me" has back fired on her. And I just smile. I stay civil for the sake of our children, otherwise I would never talk to her again.

Good for you!  Takes a lot of guts to make such big changes and not just put up with things as they are...

Don't let her get under your skin, she is just upset seeing you happy and doing well.  I don't know how old you kids are, but I'm sure they see their mother's antics as cruel and are happy for you...

[Thighbootguy]

I mentioned in another thread that I just gotten a John McCutcheon CD of children's songs and after listening to them I realized they were for adults too.  I offer this for problem resolution:

Let Someone Else Decide

[Cali]

 

5 hours ago, pebblesf said:

Don't let her get under your skin, she is just upset seeing you happy and doing well.  I don't know how old you kids are, but I'm sure they see their mother's antics as cruel and are happy for you...

It cost me about a million in lost retirement and extra taxes I will accumulate as a result, but worth every penny.

Kill them with grace. It makes them even madder.  

Set boundaries and call them on it when they violate your boundaries.  

My kids are in their mid-twenties now. My son saw it because he was still living with her and hear her on the phone to her sisters.

Edited June 28, 2017 by Cali