Reasons behind the 'NO'

[mt74]

Hi.

My wife does not like me walking in women shoes. But, she has no problem if I wear them when she is not around.

What intrigues me is the why behind this. Basically;

1. I'm losing my masculinity

2. What will others think of us?

Are these common?

And how did you deal with 'losing masculinity'?

mt.

[Marcus]

Why, if you are a man, you present yourself as a female in your avatar description?

[mt74]

Why, if you are a man, you present yourself as a female in your avatar description?

:-). I'm newly registered, but apparently forgot to change the sex-question. I already sent an email to the webmaster. Can't find an option in the user panel to change this myself.

Regards,

mt74

[Amanda]

Hi.

My wife does not like me walking in women shoes. But, she has no problem if I wear them when she is not around.

What intrigues me is the why behind this. Basically;

1. I'm losing my masculinity

2. What will others think of us?

Are these common?

And how did you deal with 'losing masculinity'?

mt.

I don't think you're losing your masculinity, I do think you need to talk to her though. Explain to her exactly why you need to do it.

Ask yourself why first.

Give her plenty of space to talk.

[WobbleWobble]

When I told my girlfriend, she was initially opposed for two reasons: 1) It wasn't "something that men do" in her mind 2) She felt that when I wore heels it took away from her own femininity and made it less special when she did it (note: to date, I haven't seen her in heels ... ever) We've talked about it a couple more times since, and she's gradually becoming more okay with the fact that I own and wear shoes with high heels. Not "okay" as in accepting or encouraging, but "okay" as in don't-ask-don't-tell and she won't break up with me over it. The plus side is that out of the blue yesterday, she showed me a picture of some platforms she was interested in and asked me what I thought of them. (Steve Madden "Majore" platform sandals)

[yozz]

Hi.

My wife does not like me walking in women shoes. But, she has no problem if I wear them when she is not around.

What intrigues me is the why behind this. Basically;

1. I'm losing my masculinity

2. What will others think of us?

Are these common?

And how did you deal with 'losing masculinity'?

mt.

I guess there are two aspects to the masculinity part.

One is the biological aspect. There are no pieces falling off and as long as you can satisfy her there should be no problem with this.

The other one is the mental part. If she married you because she likes to be seen with some Tarzan-like person there is a problem. Somebody (not here) made the remark "you women want to have on the one hand a wild savage beast and on the other hand he has to be sensitive and caring. Make up your mind". OK, this may exaggerate things, but I do know women who select their boyfriends purely on looks and muscles and then later are heavily disappointed when mentally the whole thing doesn't work out. But this masculinity is purely cultural and what you are used to. If she would see you for a week in heels (or even maybe with some other 'non-traditional' clothes) she would be used to it and maybe even appreciate the differences between one pair of shoes and another and tell you which ones fit you well.

The one about the neighbors is the hard part. That is social pressure that has in principle nothing to do with shoes. It holds just as hard if you would buy a white car when everybody else in town has a blue car. People would talk and you might feel like you would have to explain it as if you are doing something wrong. If you wouldn't dare to buy the white car, then you better don't let the neighbors know about your shoes. If your wife wouldn't let you buy the white car, and you would listen to that, same thing: keep it away from the neighbors out of respect for her.

But then you could still negotiate that at least in the house you can wear the shoes. Just don't select in the beginning very feminine shoes. Work it slowly from there.

But most of all, keep talking with her. Explain her that you are a man. That 5 to 10 percent of the men are like this (not necessarily with shoes only). And of those

almost all are for the rest normal and heterosexual (have a look in one of the other threads about 'does your partner approve......' Of the people with a partner more

than 95 percent have a female partner.

It is just that to many people this is one of the best kept secrets of society.

Y.

[Histiletto]

mt74, I could restate here every concept in this forum about high heel wearing, but if you could peruse this forum with your wife and discuss the concepts as you both understand them, I feel this could be a way to approach some dialogue. The important thing is that you and your wife can learn and grow in your relationship and fulfill each others needs. Be respectful and take care of her and then show her your love for her, even when you're apart. If there is something of questionable good for your relationship, it needs to be a subject or issue you both need to work on together.

[Simcity3]

Just tell her that you can atleast try it for a time then you can see if she has changed her mind

[Tech]

:-). I'm newly registered, but apparently forgot to change the sex-question. I already sent an email to the webmaster. Can't find an option in the user panel to change this myself.

Regards,

mt74

I've changed it for you to Male.

When you register, neither of the 2 options are pre-selected, it actually ask's you to select one, so there isnt anything to "change"

I've not got any emails from you, or anybody regarding this, so I'd love to know how you "emailed the webmaster" because if you have "emailed the webmaster" and I havent received it, then chances are that other people may have also emailed me and I havent received it either..???

Send me a PM, dont continue this in this thread.

Back to the movie.... Sorry.

[roniheels]

I believe it's a mind set. I do and have done many, many different activities from scuba diving, snow skiing, automobile restoration to ballroom dancing, cooking class, and poetry corners. I am heterosexual yet I enjoy wearing a nice man's suit, man's hat, and feminine high heels. And I don't think of myself as feminine. I don't cross dress or impersonate women. And I appreciate and respect everyone's right and desire to do those activities. Honesty is the best policy...to your wife and especially you. As it has been said in previous post, they are shoes. How you feel while wearing them is entirely up to you.

[thedesigner]

i think the mindset in the part of many women is ' i'm going out with/ maried to a woman' , and what would others think !!

[Thighboots2]

Snip...

The plus side is that out of the blue yesterday, she showed me a picture of some platforms she was interested in and asked me what I thought of them. (Steve Madden "Majore" platform sandals)

WW, As she knows your passion, you have become a "fashion club" member and whereas before the knowledge of your passion, she would probably not have consulted you about the sandals, now your opinion is valid, and so she did.

Hope you gave her the right response.

Simon.

[shyguy]

Hi.

My wife does not like me walking in women shoes. But, she has no problem if I wear them when she is not around.

What intrigues me is the why behind this. Basically;

1. I'm losing my masculinity

2. What will others think of us?

Are these common?

And how did you deal with 'losing masculinity'?

mt.

Those are the same arguments my wife puts forward, she married a man (masculinity) and what would neighbours / friends think of it.

I have the same agreement, wear heels in private, when she can't see them.

I have worn slightly wedge heeled shoes, which my wife gave to me as I told her that they were a bit too masculine (turn about is fair play no?), and worn them shopping. This has not changed her view nor has seeing me in heels sometimes and still being masculine while wearing them.

Why she has these views, I guess it's the human instinct to follow the herd

and this wouldn't be conforming.

[Bubba136]

We had been married over 10 years before my wife finally accepted me in heels.

[DeSalto]

My wife was a bit surprised at first and didn´t like it much. We had some talks, in wich I had to convince her that wearing heels don´t make me less male. She now accepts my fetish for heels and let me wear them whenever I want. DeSalto

[johnieheel]

I must be on a different planet than a lot of others here. 99.9% of the women I know do not have a problem with men wearing heels. Some get a little excited (in a good way) over it, most are in the category of just be yourself and be happy, others are jealous that I can walk in 4-5" heels as well as I do and think it's cool and all, yes all, do not have a problem being seen with me in public and treat me as the man I am. This goes for most of the guys I know also.

[DeSalto]

johnieheel, It´s only my theory, but I do believe that woman accepting or not men in heels it´s related to cultural differences. Believe me, most of latin women are not open minded about gender related issues. They accept close friends beeing gay, bissexual or even a transexual, but will never accept their all male husbands wearing female shoes in public. This acceptance may vary in differente regions of the same country. The acceptance may also be related to the kind of heels you are wearing. As you can see in my avatar, I like to wear extremely girlie high heeled sandals, and I am not a crossdresser. Almost all of my heels (more than 70 pairs) are very high strappy stilleto sandals, 4", 5" or more. I can not just simply take a walk in the streets wearing them. On the other side, block heeled 3" or 4" boots or more discrete shoes may be better accepted. DeSalto

[jojo]

I must be on a different planet than a lot of others here.

99.9% of the women I know do not have a problem with men wearing heels.

Some get a little excited (in a good way) over it, most are in the category of just be yourself and be happy, others are jealous that I can walk in 4-5" heels as well as I do and think it's cool and all, yes all, do not have a problem being seen with me in public and treat me as the man I am. This goes for most of the guys I know also.

Yes, but how many are married to a guy who wears heels - I'll bet none. There's a difference knowing someone who wears heels and not having a problem and being married to a man who wears heels. Most will revert to attitudes similar to the partners of mt74, shyguy, and myself.

[johnieheel]

DeSalto you have a very good point. To be honest, I do believe the style does make a difference. The heels i wear mostly in public are stacked 4" or about 3/4 to an inch in diameter. Just a bit larger than stiletto and close toe. Some are definitely more fem than masc though.

[johnieheel]

Yes, but how many are married to a guy who wears heels - I'll bet none. There's a difference knowing someone who wears heels and not having a problem and being married to a man who wears heels. Most will revert to attitudes similar to the partners of mt74, shyguy, and myself.

True, most or all are not married to a man who wears heels but there are some who have tried to get there husbands into heels since they have known me. (Being unsuccessful.)

[jojo]

True, most or all are not married to a man who wears heels but there are some who have tried to get there husbands into heels since they have known me. (Being unsuccessful.)

Oh, if only I wasn't spoken for, you could have got me an introduction:smile:

[yozz]

DeSalto you have a very good point. To be honest, I do believe the style does make a difference. The heels i wear mostly in public are stacked 4" or about 3/4 to an inch in diameter. Just a bit larger than stiletto and close toe. Some are definitely more fem than masc though.

Yes, but you yourself don't look even close to feminine. Anybody seeing you will

immediately know that you are not impersonating a woman. You radiate that much

stronger than most people here. Together with your confidence this makes you an

example for many.

Y.

[heelma]

it's culture and tradition. My wife grew up very conservatively and wouldn't accept it. I am not heeling all the time anyway, only very occasionally. Last time until now was 1 1/2 years ago already, and I didn't miss it during that time. I don't see a need to tell her, cause a drama, etc.

[silkyheels]

My girlfriend was quite shocked when I told her about my heels, but she initially seemed fairly understanding and let me wear them in front of her sometimes, even letting me borrow hers a couple of times. But after a while it became clear that she wasn't comfortable with it and now she's admitted she's not happy about me wearing them in front of her, so I don't. She stated two reasons, similar to some of those expressed already on this thread: 1) She thinks they make me look feminine and she likes me for my maleness/masculinity/manliness (oh yes!). She says she would think it was really cool if I were just her friend, she would encourage it even, but it's different when she sees me as the male figure in our relationship. 2) She thinks people will judge her negatively if they know I wear them. She admits this is slightly selfish (although I don't think it's unreasonable - or necessarily unjustified), but feels she would struggle to come to terms with it. Although I don't fully agree with either of these opinions, I completely understand why she holds them and would never be so presumptuous as to try to convince her she's wrong. However, she has recently talked the issue over with some of her friends, and doesn't want to dismiss it out of hand, so I have not given up completely. I am, therefore, going to find some cowboy boots or something similar with a reasonable heel and see how they go down, and take it from there. I don't mean to hijack the thread, I just felt my experience was very similar to those in the original post, so I thought sharing my experience might help to understand it a bit better. I was always told that 'communication is the key', and now I'm beginning to see the value of this.

[Bubba136]

She stated two reasons, similar to some of those expressed already on this thread:

1) She thinks they make me look feminine and she likes me for my maleness/masculinity/manliness (oh yes!). She says she would think it was really cool if I were just her friend, she would encourage it even, but it's different when she sees me as the male figure in our relationship.

2) She thinks people will judge her negatively if they know I wear them.

She admits this is slightly selfish (although I don't think it's unreasonable - or necessarily unjustified), but feels she would struggle to come to terms with it.

Those reasons, stripped of all of the retorical wrappings, are the two greatest reasons that wives, girlfriends, so's cite for not liking their men in heels. (the third most given reason is: Men don't wear high heels. High heels are for women (periond- end of discussion). And, they are precisely the reason a high heel wearing man should (must) tell any prospective mate about his heels before being married..

[Guest]

this is all because of social conditioning, too you know, as if just the fact that a man chooses to wear high heel makes him NOT masculin! (this is what I just do NOT understand!)

[roniheels]

this is all because of social conditioning, too you know, as if just the fact that a man chooses to wear high heel makes him NOT masculin! (this is what I just do NOT understand!)

Good point. Look at Johnieheels. I don't think anyone is going to call him non-masculine, whether he's wearing high heels or not.

[vector]

This topic reminds me of politics. I believe something or belong to a certain party, and therefore rationalize/bend my logic to be consistent with my beliefs no matter how illogical I may sound. Hey, some people believe it is wrong, and there's nothing you or I can do to change them. I would at least respect the persons who say, I don't have a logic or reason, but I just don't like it as opposed to those who create some "matrix" of reasons that are illogical.

[roniheels]

Sadly there are those whose minds you will never change. It's the men or women who are "on the fence," so to speak, who hopefully will open their minds to the fact that the world changes every day. With the melting pot of people all around the world, new ideas, cultures, and opinions will be expressed. Just please be ready to at least view the changes in an open-minded light.

[johnieheel]

Kind of like some man made up religions like the apostolics?