Jokes, funny stories or one liners

[euchrid]

Because she was a stand-up comedian (comedienne) and she died on her a**e...?

[gary0618]

How about a Riddle?

A woman buys a new pair of shoes, goes to work, and dies.

How and why did this happen?

And, the answer is......

The woman is the assistant to a circus knife-thrower, who stands in front of a target as knives are thrown around her. The new shoes have higher heels than she normally wears, causing the thrower to misjudge his aim.

[thedesigner]

well at least the heels were undamaged.... but i aint gonna wear flats just in case i go to the circus, it's not fair... i spose the knives got wedged in her....

[gary0618]

Three sisters from Nottingham -- Jill, Marie and Fanny -- were always on the look out for new boy friends. They hung around all local Disco's. However, their dancing skills were hampered by having enormous feet. Jill's were size 8, Marie's size 10, and Fanny's a whopping size 12.

One night Jill and Marie decide to leave Fanny behind, and go to the disco on their own, hoping they might be more successful. Sure enough, within minutes they were dancing withtwo eligible lads. All was going well, until they were walking home as a foursome...

"Hey, I've just noticed something," said one of the lads. "Haven't you two got big feet?"

"Well," said Marie, "if you think they are big, you should see the size of our Fanny's!"

[gary0618]

Dr Shoe Visits New York City:

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the British tourist was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what IS this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

[thedesigner]

did you hear about the heelwearing plumber ? Always wears tap shoes...... His wife isn't sure, she blows hot and cold about it.....

[Bubba136]

did you hear about the heelwearing plumber ?

Always wears tap shoes......

His wife isn't sure, she blows hot and cold about it.....

I think that was the same guy that told me once that his wife was only the plumber's daughter but she sure could wrench his pipe.

[euchrid]

This just has to be a joke, right!?!

http://www.thebrowncorporation.com/

[johnieheel]

http://www.impactlab.com/2006/05/11/new-device-allows-women-to-pee-while-standing/ Ever seen one of these?

[vector]

I actually saw a similar (but different) device on the view. One of the hosts (this was a long time ago) talked about how empowering it was. I'm watching this thinking to myself, it's only empowering cause you're peeing like a man. Why is that supposed to be so superior? Funny!

[jmc]

. . . Why is that supposed to be so superior?

Funny!

I don't know about the ladies' rooms but the mens' rooms in gas stations can be pretty disgusting. I certainly wouldn't want to have to sit on one of those "thrones".

[gary0618]

About The Potatoe:

Did you know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe had eyes for each other, they fell in love, got married, and had a little Sweet Potatoe, they named Yam. They were very protective of little Yam, so they told her all about the facts of life and the ways of the world.

. .

They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked or Mashed, getting a bad name like Hot Potatoe, and ending up with a bunch of little Tater Tots.

.

Yam said, “Don’t worry. No Spudd will get me into the sack and make a Rotten Potatoe out of me.” She did not want to be a Couch Potatoe. But, Yam loved the fried okra, fried green tomatoes, rolls, & muffins included with every meal at the Potatoe Patch, so she wasn’t a Shoestring Potatoe.

.

Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe warned Yam about going off to Europe where she might fall in love with a boiled Irish Potatoe, or a greasy French Fry. They also warned her, “If you go out west, watch our for the Indians, or you might get Scalloped.”

.

Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe wanted the best for Yam, and they wanted a son-in-law who was really in the Chips. So, they sent Yam off to Idaho Potatoe University where she could meet and marry a really Big Potatoe.

.

One day, Yam came home and told her parents that she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potatoe were upset and said, “Don’t marry him. He is just a Common Tater.” But he was very rich, so she married him anyway. And ... he was her gravy train for the rest of her life.

[thedesigner]

an no doubt, mr potato had his chips.... and had a daughter lettice...

[vector]

Did you hear about the two antennaes that got married? The wedding was ok, but they had a great reception!!!!

[gary0618]

THE SHOES

A guy walks into a ladies shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 high heeled shoes.

The salesman says, "But, sir, Those are women's shoes, and I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."

The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8."

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, "Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?"

He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay.

The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."

[thedesigner]

Man goes into a pub. Barman says, "yes mate.." Man says, "large vodka and red bull", takes off one of his oxford heels and hands it to the barman, "in here please." Barman,who is a man of the world, doesnt bat an eyelid, and sticks the shoe under the optic. "Large one sir?," he remarks. "No, they're only size 8, " the man replies. Barman, being heel friendly, puts a large one in anyway, adds the red bull and hands it to the man, who, completely unaware of the eyes watching him, proceeds to down the contents of his shoe from the heel end. Another one please, barman", the man demands immediately. Barman goes through same procedure, large vodka, red bull, and hands the man the shoe laden with drink. Barman is amazed as the man downs the second drink in one go. Man taps his stiletto on the bar, and asks for a refill again. Barman pulls his ear, scratches his head and drums up courage to ask the man: "Scuse me mate, why are you drinking vodka and red bull out of an oxford heel shoe?" Man replies, "well I normally drink beer, but my boots are being re-heeled and the beer would leak out of the laceholes."

[Mckailah]

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said, "Things are great. I've never felt better. I have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like yourself, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting, and in a bit of a hurry, accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle. As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite gun, and whispered, 'Bang, bang,' as he did with every shot. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?" The old man said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Allu(M)]

One man wanted to have a personal memory with his mistress. An intimate moment with his mistress. Together they went to artist. "How about a photoshoot" asked the artist. No definately not. If I got the original photo and negatives you still may have something to blackmail me for extra money later. We want a painting. First artist made some drawings and the couple choose which they would to have as painting. After one week artist called to man and said that painting is ready. One year later artist called the man and asked more money. Ha ha. I got the painting you cannot blackmail me!! No negatives you know. You are right - no negatives - but I got the sketches.

[tightsnheels]

A girl in decides to go out with three band guys one guy a day for three days.

Night one she goes out with a tuba player at six and returns by seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She responds "It was kind of like a wet vacuum."

Night two she goes out with a trumpet player they leave at six and she again returns at seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She replies "It was kind of like a hard peck."

Night three she goes out with a French horn player at six and doesn't return until seven the next morning!

When the doorman sees her he asks "Was he a good kisser?"

She replies "Forget the kissing it was the way he held me!"

T&H

[gary0618]

WOMAN: What would you do if I died: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Damn!

[thedesigner]

A girl in decides to go out with three band guys one guy a day for three days.

Night one she goes out with a tuba player at six and returns by seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She responds "It was kind of like a wet vacuum."

Night two she goes out with a trumpet player they leave at six and she again returns at seven. The doorman asks "Was he a good kisser?" She replies "It was kind of like a hard peck."

Night three she goes out with a French horn player at six and doesn't return until seven the next morning!

When the doorman sees her he asks "Was he a good kisser?"

She replies "Forget the kissing it was the way he held me!"

T&H

Funnily enough, i met the same girl when i was a roadie.

She told me that she went out with the chief violinist... but he only wanted a quick fiddle.

She pulled the drummer, but only because he was a status cymbal...

However her favourite was the cornet player cos he gave her the best licking she ever had.....

I'm taking up the keyboard, in the hope she likes the size of my .....

[tightsnheels]

DUI - TEXAS STYLE Only a person in Texas could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons''s vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, 'The officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.' This breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 'I Doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

[vector]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You FOOL!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but Noooooo!, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

[HappyFeat]

I am not sure if this is a joke or not, but when I heard it I laughed pretty good. German proverb: You get old too early and smart too late....

[thedesigner]

Guy comes my local, wearing a pair of crocs. "Oi oi, " I thinks, knowing the landlord. "Pint of London Pride, mate, " guy sez. Well he''s trying at least... Landlord sez, "Sorry, mate, Pride's off", even tho I'm supping one at the time. "Oh, er, I'll have a lager then," guy sez, a bit disappointed. Landlord sez, "Lager, mate, don't stock it." "Oh well, no probs," the guy sez, "I'll have a scotch." Landlord stands in front of the whisky optics, and sez, "Scotch? Waiting for the delivery, mate, sorry." Punter now getting a bit exasperated. "Is there anything I can have here?" Landlord sez, cool as cucumber, "You can have a pint of water." Punter sez, "Is that all, why?" Landlord sez, "Cos you're gonna need it to put out the flames on your crocs, cos I'm gonna put petrol on them, if you dont .... off now for disturbing my regulars..." I hear the bloke moved to Dundee.... (work it out)

[thedesigner]

Credit crunchies: What's the capital of Iceland ? About £4.50.... They're now charging a fiver a time at the garages for using the tyre pressure machines. That's inflation for you.... My bank's having a sale on.... used £5 notes, £4 each.... Even the pet shop's having hard times All the budgies are going cheep.... Local baker's closed down couldnt make enough dough.... Sausage maker, same thing Couldnt make both ends meat.... Watchmaker had enough Says it's time to call it a day.... Shoe repairer's suffering down at heel..... Chiropodist feeling the pinch He's having to cut back a bit.... Even chickens, you wouldn't believe it, are being laid off..... HOWEVER Yachts are doing okay Apparently, sails are going up.... Opticians, they're doing all right They can see the what's ahead..... And the magistrates courts Well, they're doing fine.... Florists, they happy Their sales are blooming.... Lastly, lastly now, cos i've gotta put the lights out before the landlord comes round, did you know the best way to make your money go further? Send it to Australia..... G'nite and thank you for being a lovely audience, best this week

[gary0618]

I finally find a good job.

But it Only lasted 1 one week.

It was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

[roniheels]

I once had a dog that had no nose. Your dog had no nose? How did he smell? Just awful!

[shorty82]

Some jokes from Mary Poppins. They are all from the scene at Uncle Albert's house. Oldies, but IMO goodies.

Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?

------------------

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I save for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

Uncle Albert: I'd be so grateful.

Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he had a nightmare. So bad, he chewed his pillow to bits. To bits. The next morning, I says, "How do you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh not bad, a little down in the mouth."

------------------

[bert and Uncle Albert are laughing at Uncle Albert’s tea-party]

Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.

Uncle Albert: And that was nothing like a good joke.

[Dr. Shoe]

Why shouldn't there be a black face in the oval office, it's had a redneck in there for 8 years!