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kirkules

Jokes, funny stories or one liners

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clever shoemakers have worked out how to adapt to the times and beat the credit crisis, and they're now making a wedge....

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other manufacturers, making sandals, aren't so lucky. They are no longer offering credit terms to their customers, they're strapped for cash....

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as you may have read, shipping companies are selling cruises real cheap. They're struggling to stay afloat.... The mortgate companies are cutting back on their company cars... the loan a'ranger comes now on horseback.... Pig breeders doing alright... still got both feet in the trough... watchmakers on short time working... clock case makers even worse, they were used to working round the clock... car workers being laid off, it's an economy drive. Managers hope it will steer them to recovery.... As a result of people not buying new cars, breakdown companies expect business to pick up..... Elevator companies say business is up and down.... The other day I said some bakers were going out of business as they had no more dough, well other companies say business is rising.... Car dismantlers not losing money, apparently they're breaking even.... Chocolate makers have introduced a new flavour, now they're making a mint... With people being laid off work, I heard that people are learning to swim like never before. Do anything to keep their heads above water.... Zoos are in trouble. They're having difficulty selling animals. They say it's a bear market.... Mind you, it's odds on, the betting shops are doing okay... The recession has hit the card shops, they're doing a multipurpose card with a birthday/christmas/mothers day/with our condolences tick box option..... Going to bed now... was talking to a bed retailer, used to make king size profits, now down to single figures, but he's got a couple of sleeping directors to cover him.....

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INVESTMENT ADVICE Should have given you this tip before, but the word on the street is, buy into scissor making companies. All over the world, companies are cutting corners to save money. Expect a sharp increase in sales.....

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tyre companies, however, aren't convinced.

They say the future is flat....

I thought they said things were rolling along....

Though some companies probably feel like they're going round in circles...

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If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would go up. (the old ones are the best)

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car repairers are feeling the crunch tho, car disc and pad companies are breaking even....

I thought disc and pad companies were wearing down....

Even squealing from the pressure!

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I believe enough time has passed for this one, so..... "Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters?" "Monica ate them." :w00t2: Sorry about that, I appologize. Jen.

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I haven't talked to my wife for three days. I don't like to interupt her.

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Please forgive me, but... How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent? When she starts her statement with, "A man once said..."

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Allright then, here's one..... A Scotsman, and Irishman and an Englishman walk into a pub. That bartender takes one look and says "What is this, a joke?"

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And one more..... I got a job at an orange juice factory, but it didn't last long--I got canned. They said I couldn't concentrate.

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Smitty55, You're lucky they didn't put the squeeze on you! Or worse, beat you to a pulp.

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Smitty55,

You're lucky they didn't put the squeeze on you! Or worse, beat you to a pulp.

this is truely funny! Great humor!:w00t2:

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Smitty55,

You're lucky they didn't put the squeeze on you! Or worse, beat you to a pulp.

Good one! :w00t2:

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Youre just takin the pith.... If smitty was hurt, he'd summon lemon aid.... I used to work in a fish canning factory myself too. Boy, was it crowded. We were packed in like sardines. Really disorganised, they'd throw us a fish, we'd catch a mackerel. At least I could wear me 'eels.... The pay was rotten, they were a bunch of sharks.... Sorry to carp on about this, i was done up like a kipper... I had to leave. They played music all the time. Made me 'ard of 'erring.... Turned out, it was the piano tuna....

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Hopefully you didn't spend too much time using the computer. You could get "hooked" to being on-line to the net!

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Smitty55,

You're lucky they didn't put the squeeze on you! Or worse, beat you to a pulp.

Especially with seedy-looking characters. But he'll keep his eyes peeled from now on.

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Large hole has appeared in the middle of the motorway, police are looking into it.

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Large hole has appeared in the middle of the motorway, police are looking into it.

And what they see at the bottom of it is our economy.

T&H

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apparently it was a bunch of willies at the bottom of the hole. Police said, "things are looking up."

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We always talk about just being yourself no matter if its green spiked hair or high heels on a man. Here is a joke I recieved in my email from a friend you all might enjoy.

--- OLD PEOPLE

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was

watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair

in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teen-

ager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on

his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response...

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son. '

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With apologies to Tim Vine, the master of one liners (not eyeliners): "Youre the man who invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong..."" "Exit signs... they're on the way out..."

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another one, another one before I go... bloke goes up Mount Everest, all the gear, crampons, pickaxes, you know. Talks to everyone on the way, asks how theyre doing, tells them his life story. Apparently he was a social climber....

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