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kirkules

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I knew a guy who worked in a glue factory and continually talked about his life. Apparently he was stuck on himself......

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Two eggs being boiled in a pan, one says to the other very hot in here, other egg replies, wait till you get out they smash your head in.

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Apparently these all came from Canada.

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Oh, the guy who worked in a glue factory liked Lionel Ritchie songs. Like "...Stuck on you..."

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Bloke goes into a Vetinarian carrying a limp rabbit. "I don't think my rabbit's very well, what do you think?" Vet (checking over the rabbit): "I'm sorry sir, your rabbit's dead" "Are you sure..?" Vet calls in a dog from the next room. Dog sniffs over the rabbit and slowly shakes his head. Vet: "Sorry sir....." "Are you really sure...?" Vet calls in a cat. Cat sniffs over the (plainly) dead rabbit and shakes its head. Vet: "I'm truly sorry sir but your rabbit's definitely dead" "OK, OK. How much will that be then" Vet: "250 dollars Sir" "250 dollars!!!!" (Outraged) Vet: "Well, you've had the lab test, the cat scan........"

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Limited Memory

An Actual Conversation With My Daughter

Daughter: “Dad, does that old computer we took downstairs work?”

Me: “Unh which computer are you talking about, sweetie?”

D: “That old IBM computer in the black case that we took downstairs.”

Me: “That old IBM computer just happens to be the newest one I own! Besides, what's wrong with the computer you already have?”

D: “It’s old and has limited memory.”

Me: “So what’s so bad about that? I’m old and have a limited memory!”

D: “Dad, I can give you selenium, but I can’t do that with my computer.” :thumbsup:

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Reminds me of my daughter while sorting out a pile of lp's, Dad they are big cd's. Classic one I always remember when daughter was born girlfriend said I will put baby's bottle in the microwave on defrost to cool it down, or car windscreens are called windowscreens, hate to say it but must be a blond thing.

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There was this retired couple, you know, living peacefully, no mortgage, no kids, taking it easy. Only thing was, the bloke was still sex mad, and kept pestering his wife to make love. The wife was sick of this 'I need a shag, I really fancy you' stuff all the time, so in desperation she said to him: "Look Jim, for once can you act your age." Trouble was, Jim was 69.....

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WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN!

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN! :thumbsup::welcome::winkiss:

Thanks Ken

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traded in my old lump 3 years ago for something beautiful to hold. Now I'm firing bullets again....

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John: Did you hear about that actress who killed her husband? Don: No I didn't. Who was it? John: It was Reese......Reese.....ummm Don: Witherspoon? John: No, it was with her knife. :rimshot:

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The Latest Viruses:

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks down to 150 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize back around 200 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows. :thumbsup:

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And last but not least. Obama virus. -- Removes all your anti virus hardware so you can't protect your self anymore!:thumbsup:

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And last but not least.

Obama virus. -- Removes all your anti virus hardware so you can't protect your self anymore!:thumbsup:

How is that funny? The guy has only just started yet and he's getting a bashing??? :welcome:

I guess some people just cant be optimistic huh...

Have you learned nothing about giving people a chance Johnie?

How about the "Johnieheel virus" that destroys your spell check... :winkiss:

(This is all said in jest by the way, not meant badly, as a joke)

How about the "tech virus" that keeps deleting everything other people write? lol

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Building on GuyinHeels jokes... The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then "Tripps" out!!!!! The Sarah Palin virus- Can't remember the morning files it reads!

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The Gordon Brown Virus: Gives all your memory to the banks?

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Building on GuyinHeels jokes...

...The Sarah Palin virus- Can't remember the morning files it reads!

Actually, it first builds address chains that go nowhere and then can't remember the files it read. ;-)

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The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down - I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

'Hold that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!', said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

''No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!', cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?' ;-)

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What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?

… you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Posted Image

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What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?

… you can negotiate with a terrorist.

Posted Image

I know this one as:

whats the difference between a terrorist and an ex-wife ?

same answer....

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Ooaqici82qb4ip

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HUH? Did I miss something?;-)

T&H

If you missed it, so did I - but then I don't speak line noise. yozz, explanation, please?

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Ooaqici82qb4ip

ok, let's see now....hmmmm....it appears the last four letters (b4ip) are: before I pee....

and it appears the first two letters (Oo) are: Oh, oh,

havent the foggest as to what "aq" are/is.....

and the "ici82" must mean I see I ate two.....

so it must read, Oh, oh, "aq" I see I ate 2 q before I pee...... but that is as far as my mind can ;-)....

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More nonsense. It's as bad as the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder. He made a specticle of himself. ;-)

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ok, let's see now....hmmmm....it appears the last four letters (b4ip) are: before I pee....

and it appears the first two letters (Oo) are: Oh, oh,

havent the foggest as to what "aq" are/is.....

and the "ici82" must mean I see I ate two.....

so it must read, Oh, oh, "aq" I see I ate 2 q before I pee...... but that is as far as my mind can ;-)....

oh oh! I see a queue! I (U=you?) see I 'ate to queue before I pee.

OoIcaqucI82qb4Ip...

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oh oh! I see a queue! I (U=you?) see I 'ate to queue before I pee.

OoIcaqucI82qb4Ip...

Hmmmm!!! "ate" cockney for hate ?

(must be a London thing ;-))

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According to the source where I found it, it came from a UK toilet.... But the stuff about the h is rather common in many languages, especially French. And they put the h where there isn't supposed to be one. In Dutch we have a sentence making fun of it: "Er zat een ondje in een okje met een oopje ooi. Ap zei et ondje en hop was et ooi." This is supposed to be: "Er zat een hondje in een hokje met een hoopje hooi. Hap zei het hondje en op was het hooi". Meaning: "There was a doggy in a doghouse with a little pile of hay. Hap said the doggy and gone was the hay". Maybe there are sentences like this in English as well? The following little poem came from the internet in the 80's. Things like this I don't forget. I really hate this dumb machine I wish that they would sell it. I never does quite what I want but only what I tell it. Y.

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