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kirkules

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where do heelwearers who prefer eric clapton to jeff beck meet ? at the crossroads....

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and those who think hendrix is king, where do they meet?

At the red house over yonder.....

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last one, last one before i go, dont boo yet eveyone, no i havent finished, last one... what do you get when you plug a stiletto wearing fisherman into the mains ? electric 'eels.... g'nite and thank u for being a terrific audience, best i've had all week !

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Your mama is so fat,

every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

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The Open Toe Shoe Pledge


Alright Ladies, it's that time of the year again. Just a friendly reminder!! Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: (The Open Toed Shoe Pledge)...

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $10 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals... Don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.

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One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.

Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.

The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.

"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

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The invention of copper wire is attributed to two Scotsmen who were fighting over a penny.

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talkin of scotsmen, did u know the scottish cloakroom attendant.... Angus McCoatup.....

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A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says.

'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.

'You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out.' she storms.

Again the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your lady garden with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.'

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up, Love?' he asks.

'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.

'I'll kill him. where is he?' storms the husband.

'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks And lick it off' she screams.

'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my lady garden with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.

'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness...

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Struck a deal with my local, they pulled me a drink, and i pulled the barmaid....

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DAILY THOUGHT: Some people are like Slinkies- Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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Talk about oneupmanship... did you hear about the couple who kept their heels on when making love on a plane? Wanted to join the mile and six inches high club... Or the poor bloke, well it was me actually, who kept his heels on in bed when making love. Thought it would make me last longer..... Only ripped the sheets thought... In the pub the other day, in me heels, like you do, usual bacardi and coke in a tall glass, bloke comes up to mr and sez, "are you queer or what?" Slightly taken aback, which is not my favourite, i said, "why do you ask that?" The guy shifts about a bit and replies, "well, it's erm the heels.." I sez, "yeees ?" He sez, " well straight blokes don't wear heels" I look at my heels, lovingly, as you do, and reply, " I'm sorry, i have to wear heels." "Oh," the geezer sez, surprised. "Yes," I reply, " Cos i'm a homicidal maniac and i wear them so that when i get arseholes like you taking the piss it's the only way i can't chase you out the bar into the carpark and beat the f...... shit out of you." "want a refill mate, " the geezer replied....

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In honor of George Carlin who passed last week... "Its OK to prick your finger, but you better not get caught fingering your prick..."

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why do u think chickens lay so many eggs? Cos they like a load of cock... ............................................. How do female turkeys call their mates? gobble gobble gobble.... ............................................ Why do female horses have so few foals? Cos they always say "nay"... ............................................. Why do camels have so few offspring? Cos they;ve always got the hump... ............................................. How do dogs chat up their girlfriends ? Yo, bitch... .......................... How do cats get laid ? Hey tom, wanna bit of pussy ............................ and lastly, why do sheep who give their shag a sweet always get turned down? cos mrs sheep always sez "baa.... humbug!" wellies off and bedtime.....

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Now we've got the credit crunch, i'm gonna make it work for me..

gotta tighten our belts... buying a corset...

i'm strapped for cash, so i'm gonna earn some money going out pimping... in my slingbacks...

got a free meal at my restaurant , cos the owner said can i dress for dinner, too good to refuse...

Amazon offering a free cd with every order, gonna get one....

determined to keep my standard of living up, wearing higher heels to keep pace with inflation....

and lastly, cos im going to bed now, i'm thinking of offering an online personal wind turbine service.....

***EDIT***

ps i havent started it yet, dont be so keen...

g'nite...

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Moses, Jesus and an old bearded man are out playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. It lands in the fairway but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly he raises his club and the water parts allowing the ball to roll to the other side safe and sound. Next Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. The ball lands directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips it up onto the green. The old man gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball it heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. Then it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down the downspout out on to the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lilly pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lilly pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down grabbs the frog and flys away. As they pass over the green the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

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was sitting on Brighton Pier, with me line out, as you do, fishing for me life. Got a pull (from the water, sadly, just my luck!), and pulled it in. There it was,a slingback at the end of me line. Bloke next to me sez, "Cor, cant you catch a fish then, mate?" Quick as, I replies, "No worries mate, I'm fishing for 'eels...."

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Rite, another one. My dog hates cats. Cant stand 'em. Well that's normal, right. I was takin my dog for a walk today, in the country, like you do, in me old heels, big ones, like you do, gotta make the effort. This guy comes up to me and sez: "You must be barking mate, wearing heels out here!" I sez, "No mate its not me, it's the dog that's barking!" Obviously seen the kitten heels my dog was wearing....

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Went to the doctors yesterday (well it's tomorrow now, but who cares)...

I sed, "doc, I'm goin a bit mutton"

Doc sez, " a bit mutton?"

He had this habit of repeating what you said...

I sez, "yes doc, a bit mutton jeff, you know."

"oh," he sez, "deaf, should i speak up"

"I dont care if you do falsetto mate" , i sez, "so long as i can hear what you're saying.."

Doc sez, " I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PROBLEM IS"

Don' know why he shouted, i can lipread anyway...

"YOU DONT EAT ENOUGH FISH" he shouted.

....... deafened me, but thats his style.

"What do you mean doc," i replied.

"YOU'RE A BIT HARD OF HERRING" he replied....

Likes to spin me a line, my doc...

"what about eels," i said.

"oh i never thought you'd notice them, " doc said, pulling up his trouser leg, " got them in a sale!"

"But will eels make me hear better," I asked, whilst admiring his fashion sense.

"no," he replied, " but just get your prescription made up in Boots...."

And true to life, it was just like the doctor ordered. Since wearing heels, i can hear a higher octave....

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going to bed now, wearing my heels... just hope i dont have any toe curling nightmares....

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How about the guys who got together to develop and market a new brand of beer? They worked long hours until they had just the taste that they all really liked. They were ready to bring it to market, but deceided to have it lab-tested, to make sure that it was pure. The lab report came back. It read: "your horse has diabetes".:o

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I run yesterday into humorous signs, I decided that i would like to share some giggles with you, so I took this photo.

FYI, These signs were on all entrances to shopping centre.

The sign says: "Dear ladies! Warning! A zone of risk for high heels "

lmao! :o

P.S. For those who cant figure it out, its because of the carpet.

post-10987-133522861903_thumb.jpg

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A 94 year old woman was being interviewed on a local T.V. talk show because she was getting married for the fourth time in her life. Her previous husbands were deceased. Her first husband was a banker, her second husband was a circus performer, and her third husband was a doctor. She was getting ready to marry a funeral director. She gave a wonderful interview about her life, but finally the young female correspondant asked "why was there such a diversity in the men you married and getting ready to marry?" The old woman replied, "My dear it's really quite simple............ One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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hope nobody stepped on her blue suede shoes....

Elvis has left the building!

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How about a Riddle?

A woman buys a new pair of shoes, goes to work, and dies.

How and why did this happen?

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She worked as a roofer and unfortunately bought steel tipped heels - and got struck by lightning. OR she worked in a mine, forgot to change from heels into work boots (urgh) and banged her head on the ceiling. OR She bought some flats and got shot by the style police OR She bought some crocs and they bit her to death... OH GO ON, PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY.....

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Because they were "2 die for"!!! Oh, I'm too smart and humble for my own good (ha ha)

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