Divorce Around High Heels And Fashion

[LuvyourShoes]

Hi everyone.

I'm having a tough time in my marriage at the moment and a continuous theme is around my wearing heels and being somewhat feminine. I have upheld the household for the entire year and a half that we've been married, even when she had no job/ brought in low income, helped her get a car, helped her get back into school, and all around improved her life.

I feel like she has not improved my life and criticizes everything I do. Again, the shoes and feminine things cause an attitude. This is just a small piece of the issue, and obviously my side only.

I thought she was fine with the shoes, but time changes people's ideas and perceptions. I told her about them from the beginning.

I've noticed quite a few "ex-wife" stories here on the board, and I was wondering if these divorces stemmed from shoes or was it from other problems. Any insight is appreciated as I know it's a touchy subject.

Thanks in advance

[mlroseplant]

I was not wearing heels when I got divorced, but if I had been, it would have been an issue. If I were to get divorced again, shoes would be <5% of the reason.

[hiheellover23]

Well I was going through some of the same issues with my wife.  Although when the issues came about it was before we got married.  Because some of the things I was doing or dressing were not so masculine.  At first I was giving up heels altogether but that did not last long.  And when my wife noticed that I was still bringing them into the house she had came to the conclusion that the shoes thing was here long before she came around but she didn't want to change that so she helped me out as far as how to dress but look more masculine.  My suggestion is to try to find some kind of compromise because stereotypically " wife wants a husband and not so much a girlfriend or wife".  But if she wants you to flat out give it up without question and you have brought more to the table and supported her when she was down its a good chance that it may be time to break free.  I hope this helps somewhat.

[Steve63130]

I think HiHeelLover23's advice is very good. It sounds like it goes way beyond just shoes. I would suggest that this relationship problem is bigger than both of you, and you ought to seek a qualified licensed marriage counsellor to get help. Marriage is all about compromise, and love means making the other person happy. If you can salvage the marriage, great, and I wish you luck. But if it needs to be dissolved, do it soon and get it over with as quickly as you can, move on with your life, and find another partner who is better suited for your needs. Don't dwell long in a bad relationship.

 

Steve

[LuvyourShoes]

Great advice from everyone. Thanks very much.

[HappyinHeels]

LuvYourShoes,   Certainly sounds like this marriage will not last more than another year or so. Anytime I hear one party is criticizing another tells me of one's desire to dominate the other. If a certified marriage couselor can quickly figure this out you both may be able to make a more informed decision. A year and a half is a mere blip on the marriage time spectrum but it may be the most advantageous time to break it apart BEFORE any kids or significant buildup of wealth. I have been married 30 years last month and Steve63130 has been married about 40 years and he has given you some wise words to live by. Get his thing figured out now while it still would be easy and relatively painless to walk away if it comes to that. 

[Guest]

I'd dump her if I were you pal, plain N simple!!

[Amanda]

It's no use hiding this in "For the Guys" section

[chris100575]

I agree with Amanda that this might be better in "for everyone" unless you don't want a female perspective.

 

For me I don't think it was about the heels. She knew from very early on that I liked them, and while she never moved on from a position of "don't ask, don't tell" it was never really an issue, we just grew apart over the years. I don't think it helped that we married in our very early twenties, and you grow up a lot between 20 and 30. The heels certainly didn't help, but we had plenty of other areas where things just didn't quite line up. 

 

If your marriage was fine apart from friction about your shoes it would be different, but it sounds like it's just not working out. If that's the case ideally you need to both discuss where things are going and see if you can work it out or if it's time to call it a day. If it's reached a point where you can't even discuss it, that's probably a sign that you should move on.

[Guest]

We had problems many years ago over this. We certainly close to divorce and it basically came down to her or the shoes. We spent a lot of time talking. We even got very involved in our church and with some of the people there. It came down to we did not want to get divorced and we both worked at it. That and the church is what kept us together. But the first thing is you BOTH have to want it to work.

It stopped for quite a while. Then I slowly started back. Long story short the shoe thing is worse now than ever. I like pretty much wear them 7 days a week all day. Except weekends maybe not all day. I know it still bothers her and I hate that I do this and it hurts her.

Anyway. Work out a compromise. Don't do it in front of her maybe cut back for a while. Work on the 2 of you making a life together first.

One of the things that has scared my wife is this Bruce Jenner thing. She is scared of how far I will take it along with what others will think. I had to reassure her that was not going to happen after all I am not at all fem other than what I wear and I would make a horrible womam. The beard does not help.

[LuvyourShoes]

I don't mind this being moved to the "for everyone" section at all. I just asked the guys initially because this happens to be the forum that I spend the most time in. All perspectives are welcome.

I am strongly leaning toward divorce at this point. My intuition is telling me that there may be another person in this situation, but I'm not sure how intimate it has gotten. I noticed small subtle differences in her actions at one point that led me to believe that she's had another person, but the fling is over, if that makes sense.

She pulled away form my touch one day, almost as if she were in disgust, and she stopped calling my name during sex, which used to be an automatic staple, for 3 consecutive sessions. We started having sex again recently and now she's calling my name again. All this happened around a time where I started wearing womens clothes and shoes a bit more.

Sorry to get so graphic but I'm just getting it out. Ladies responses are welcome.

[robbiehhw]

Sorry you are going through that. Best advice i can say is marriage is often many different marriages over the course of its run. You either grow, change and adapt together or you don't. Shower the other party in kindness, no matter how they are to you - Thats hard to do but it puts them in a position that has them stare at their own conscious. 

 

As for feminization in general, she knew about it as you say and that puts in back on her for the choice as how to react/honor it. I think many women struggle with the idea of a feminized partner even if they started out wanting that but as traditions of the past fade, things get better. My own supporting spouse has had moments of "what did i get myself into? " and we have been married many years.

[SkirtDude]

I think this is a common problem. My wife felt the same, as I mentioned in my thread that I had. She felt that the shoes (and skirts) were too much and set out to replace me. She's now with another guy. I briefly saw them as I was allowed to visit the kids for half an hour and was called all sorts of things, such as 'batty man' which was hurtful. She said in the past it was either her or the clothes (including shoes). I know I made the right choice. Dump her

[pebblesf]

Well, it surely sounds like you have been up front and honest with her all along when it comes to wearing heels.  Perhaps she thought it could be "overlooked", hard to say.  But it does seem like there are other issues and perhaps she is using your heels as an excuse.

Please don't attempt to "give up heels" in order to save the marriage, although workable compromises should always be attempted.

Like others have said, get a trusted counselor to help you both sort it out.  I am glad that you both have only invested a year in the marriage, which will make it much easier if you decide to split.

I hope things work out for the best, take good care of yourself through this most difficult time in  your life. 

[SkirtDude]

I may have been a tad harsh but things were quite sour for me, and this was all before Bruce Jenner came out, but still the heels for her pointed towards 'feminization' and she saw fit to replace me, sadly. There are some here who very rarely have a supportive partner but it seems to be few and far between. We are at varying levels of boldness when it comes to dress, some of us with just heels under our jeans, some even skirted. Acceptance would be good but I think that fool Jenner has blown that chance for us with that stupid 'I Am Cait' and it's more likely even those just having an interest in heels gets tarred with the same brush.

[LuvyourShoes]

Ah, so many good perspectives!

For my wife, the Orange is the New Black situation with Laverne Cox is what scared her the most. She can be closed minded, but she does try.

We had a major talk yesterday and she revealed more about how she felt. She has been around a certain kind of guy all her life... the macho, thuggish man who does stupid hood things, but means well. So me being an intelligent, creative, and sensitive person attracts her , yet with creativity comes my attunement to clothing from the women's department, which turns her off and scares her.

It's tough, because I do love her. I think I'll keep trying with her for a while longer. If it gets worse, we'll cut our losses at the proper time.

Kilty, I'm very sorry for your situation. West Indian people are very homophobic and unforgiving toward anything defying gender norms. My wife is from up north and has islander in her family so I believe that's where alot of her stereotyping and fears come from. Batty Man is a supremely offensive name to be called, especially in front of kids. I wish you luck throughout your times with those people.

I've learned that you must simply be yourself. There will come a person who will accept you for who you are. I will hold out for a while longer with this one.

Please continue the conversation and share experiences. Your insight may help someone else.

Pebbles, I definitely don't plan on giving up heels. That's just going to go with me until I move to the next plane of existence!

[robbiehhw]

In my opinion Feminization acceptance, gender fluidity and a society that simply does not care what people wear can only come when its no longer giggle material or stealth.

 

To that end, i applaud anyone that brings it too the attention of society which eventually makes it mainstream. The same thing happened with other "lifestyles" (i hate that term). Whether it's TG models, modeling agencies, teens doing shows or even that somewhat cheesy Cait show, as a transgender person i welcome it all.

[SkirtDude]

@LuvyourShoes I briefly described my initial excitement of heeling (and skirting) in my thread, but looking back I got kinda carried away with my new lifestyle. I was bold enough to go dressed as I felt to work, the Personnel dept at first didn't seem to mind (similar to JeffB's ensembles, but a smarter pencil skirt for the office, and not denim). No worries about using transportation and everyone else around me didn't seem to bat an eyelid. (I wonder if they were trying to 'unsee' me ) but those closest to me caused the biggest issues. I see a parallel with Bruce Jenner in getting too carried away too quickly and once people stop liking or caring you just have to get on with your life on your own.

I think I could have done things better and not been so arrogant but it seems anything that doesn't fall into the typical male template makes some partners uncomfortable or even hostile. At one point I was thinking I could have been TG / TS and looked into surgery (all bootleg stuff from Internet but the hormones didn't work as quickly as I had hoped). I decided just to keep to my clothing choices but Jenner showed me how things can go so wrong.

I still love my heels (I love boots) but it was at a price. I think very few here have the backing of a supportive partner.

Another issue is heeling is an expensive hobby so I have to save up to buy some more.

As for the name calling yes it hurt but that's the way some people are

[Guest]

Loveyourshoes

Keep working together and trying to be aware of how she's thinking, some fears as you've said can be too much and set up a deeper uncontrolled package. Being fully supportive as you have been and open as to your thoughts and desires. That can be hard as to when she may be equally open and receptive. Your belief that a 3rd party fling may have happened and now gone could align with the "no name" issue, maybe a quick fling or testing the water but now back to "name time".

 

Partners, in any relationship can still be unpredictable, moods, tiredness and more cause bottling up of issues however small into wopping great monsters. Even peer talk at work changes veiws on how things are perceived into distorted effects. I've seen my middle daughter end a fairly good situation because she's got paranoid and created a prediction that it's going wrong and wants to stop before it hurts anyone.........but it does, both are upset.

 

If it's worth saving keep trying, be there be her best mate. When it's time to go you'll know.

 

Al

[Pumps]

@LuvyourShoes I briefly described my initial excitement of heeling (and skirting) in my thread, but looking back I got kinda carried away with my new lifestyle. I was bold enough to go dressed as I felt to work, the Personnel dept at first didn't seem to mind (similar to JeffB's ensembles, but a smarter pencil skirt for the office, and not denim). No worries about using transportation and everyone else around me didn't seem to bat an eyelid. (I wonder if they were trying to 'unsee' me ) but those closest to me caused the biggest issues. I see a parallel with Bruce Jenner in getting too carried away too quickly and once people stop liking or caring you just have to get on with your life on your own. I think I could have done things better and not been so arrogant but it seems anything that doesn't fall into the typical male template makes some partners uncomfortable or even hostile. At one point I was thinking I could have been TG / TS and looked into surgery (all bootleg stuff from Internet but the hormones didn't work as quickly as I had hoped). I decided just to keep to my clothing choices but Jenner showed me how things can go so wrong. I still love my heels (I love boots) but it was at a price. I think very few here have the backing of a supportive partner. Another issue is heeling is an expensive hobby so I have to save up to buy some more. As for the name calling yes it hurt but that's the way some people are

Would you mind telling me what wrong with Jenner and why you think she's a fool? It took a huge amount if courage to come out as transgender as a celebrity. Wearing heels and skirts does NOT make anyone transgender. I hope the women mentioned in this thread, who want their men masculine, are girly girls themselves or else I would call them hypocrates.

[SkirtDude]

Would you mind telling me what wrong with Jenner and why you think she's a fool? It took a huge amount if courage to come out as transgender as a celebrity. Wearing heels and skirts does NOT make anyone transgender.

I hope the women mentioned in this thread, who want their men masculine, are girly girls themselves or else I would call them hypocrates.

I was giving my own experience and Jenner is a fool. I am not against anyone who comes out as TG but Bruce turned it all into a circus. Most people coming out experience ostracism, even worse but it's almost like the show Jenner has (or had as it died on its arse) seemed to gloss over any of these issues and trivialise it all. For some who just wear skirts as men, no it may not lead you down the TV/TS path. But for quite a few it may do. Pumpcat who used to post here made that decision after she transitioned, fair play to her. She added other accessories to her heels, naturally skirts / dresses etc.

Getting back on topic, Jenner is a fool for the way she handled it, not just the inevitable divorce but the impact on her kids, ie Brodie and Kylie. You may not like my opinion but thankfully that's not my problem

[vector]

While I don't believe "Caitlin" Jenner is a fool, it may have ignited the fears many (most?) women have about their men who proclaim to just wear heels.  That they may someday transition to full time CD/transgender.  

 

I think that's something we have to keep in the back of our minds, as I believe it's in the back of theirs.

[mlroseplant]

While I don't believe "Caitlin" Jenner is a fool, it may have ignited the fears many (most?) women have about their men who proclaim to just wear heels. That they may someday transition to full time CD/transgender.

I think that's something we have to keep in the back of our minds, as I believe it's in the back of theirs.

This had never occurred to me, but you may be right. I was asked recently by an acquaintance if I was "transitioning." I'm pretty sure he was serious.

[trickrider1]

Very relevant thread for me as well, my wife of many years went from someone I trusted and cared for to someone who turned completely malicious towards me. I've never worn any "true" heels in public, but do own a few pairs that have been worn in private. She was unsatisfied with the intimate side of things for years and when my kids started thinking my shoes were interesting and cool that was all she needed to try to use that against me. She tried to accuse me of truly criminal level things which was all false and collaborated with her mother who has a long history of mental illness. My wife is probably "off" as well because she has shunned many of her long time friends, etc. and people who have no idea anything is going on say she has become very "weird". But here again part of the issue has been her major hangup with the small feminine side of me. The worst part over the past months has been her literally holding me hostage by refusing to let me be with my kids unless "supervised" even though it was never court ordered, etc. We're finally getting into the divorce process and mylawyer will fight it to the state supreme court on discrimination grounds if I'm denied rightful access to my kids just because I own some shoes that don't quite fall into the conventional category or not perceived to be "masculine" enough to be a viable father. However, she is starting to realize how much this all costs and is showing interest in mediation and getting past it all. Nonetheless the intolerance is very disheartening.

[SkirtDude]

Very relevant thread for me as well, my wife of many years went from someone I trusted and cared for to someone who turned completely malicious towards me. I've never worn any "true" heels in public, but do own a few pairs that have been worn in private. She was unsatisfied with the intimate side of things for years and when my kids started thinking my shoes were interesting and cool that was all she needed to try to use that against me. She tried to accuse me of truly criminal level things which was all false and collaborated with her mother who has a long history of mental illness. My wife is probably "off" as well because she has shunned many of her long time friends, etc. and people who have no idea anything is going on say she has become very "weird". But here again part of the issue has been her major hangup with the small feminine side of me. The worst part over the past months has been her literally holding me hostage by refusing to let me be with my kids unless "supervised" even though it was never court ordered, etc. We're finally getting into the divorce process and mylawyer will fight it to the state supreme court on discrimination grounds if I'm denied rightful access to my kids just because I own some shoes that don't quite fall into the conventional category or not perceived to be "masculine" enough to be a viable father. However, she is starting to realize how much this all costs and is showing interest in mediation and getting past it all. Nonetheless the intolerance is very disheartening.

Sorry to hear this. Your soon to be ex sounds very malicious and difficult. If she has also turned her back on her friends, then you know it's not just you. Sounds like she may have mental health problems of her own to deal with. Not too sure of how custody of children and social care is in the States, but surely you can argue that she would be in no fit state to care for them (or have custody) if she's so unpredictable in her behaviour. The wearing of heels is nothing compared with the behaviour you just described.

A viable father cares for his kids no matter what fashion choices he may have. If Caitlyn had done the same instead of trying to compete with all of the Kardashians I might have respected her more. With Caitlyn it's gone out of control and it's just dress up. Now Caitlyn wants a man to treat her like a real woman. You couldn't make it up.

I hope it all works out for you.

[robbiehhw]

If Caitlyn identifies as a woman, she is a woman. A real woman has nothing to do with biology. She may not be biologically female, chromosome wise, but she is very real as a woman. I suspect her dress up is only wearing clothes on the outside, that match her identification. Further, though i have not really ever watched the Kardashians or the new Cait show, care for her adult children is demonstrated in everything i've read.  

 

Why is this so hard for people to come to terms with? I don't get it. You can change your gender as demonstrated by people the world over. 

 

As to the effect of changing your gender on your loved ones, this is a very personal thing and we really have no idea about people's individual circumstances on this. Many spouses will not accept it later in life and it causes the end of the marriage, some like my own adapted to it and can actually strengthen the union. A lot has to do with the two people involved. There is no magic formula for marriage or any relationships, You work hard at it and do your best to love that person. Love is much more a verb than a noun.