Men wearing high heels, and an admission to my partner?

[lee_loves_shoes]

Hi all Let me tell you a bit about myself to start: I'm a straight 32yo guy who has a healthy obsession over feet and shoes. I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now and this is the one. We're happy, healthy and looking towards the future together. My partner does not know about my 'fetish', and it has been my secret all my life. I can trace back this fetish to early childhood through various events, none of which were abusive and had a very happy childhood. It has been a secret as friends and family are very much 'men are men' and 'women are women', and male friends would have ripped me for it, as they do. I never have had the opportunity to come out about the fetish. My dilemma is that I'm now at a crossroads - do I confess and show her my fetish side or keep it a secret as I have done for the whole of my life. I don't want to be a public crossdresser, but enjoy wearing heels in private. I can happily keep it from her, and it could remain a little corner of me that she will never see (we all have something like that, don't we?), or I can be open about this and incorporate it into our relationship. To be honest I'm scared: We're currently in a good place and I don't want to jeopardise anything, but she is openminded and think she will accept me for what I am - I'm actually nervous even writing about it. I know the obvious answer is "talk about it", but it's not always easy opening up about something so big and has been a secret for so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I think now is the time - if I don't do it I fear it will be too late, if it isn't already! Confused and frustrated, lee_loves_shoes

[hiheellover23]

Hello lee_loves_shoes. I'm about 30 years of age. I had the same dilemma as you. I had to hide my fetish for shoes for a while to until I had started living on my own. The whole wearing shoes in private gets to be fun for a little while but eventually it will start to get old and you will want to try to venture out in some kind of way. I met my girlfriend and I really debated about it. Because I figured she would have to know eventually so either tell her or suffer the consequences later along the line. But funny enough she said that she was intrigued about it and also encourages me to wear them out when the moment presents its self. I Know it is really difficult to let your wife know but I will say this it would be better to let her know something before she stumbles across it by accident. Then things can start to get a little ugly.

[Tech]

Hiya Lee Seems like you already know what you have to do, and I can tell you, from experience of sharing with several partners in the last 10+yrs, and several friends who I swore would probably have beaten me up for coming out with something like this... Nothing bad has ever happened, oh, except the time the wife found the "real" receipt for a pair of boots I claimed were £35, but were actually £135 lol... The only stupid thing here would be to keep it a secret. She WILL find out, and WHEN she does, your trust will be wrecked simply because you hid something from her (Regardless of what it is) So, there really isnt anything to be confused or frustrated about, but whatever you do , DO NOT turn it into one of those "Honey, we need to talk" situations, for god's sake, that can and WILL make anything look like a bad thing...

[hh4evr1]

There are lots of posts about telling girlfriends etc. I think you should tell her as soon as possible. She may already have a idea about it anyway.

[jdmonto]

Hello I can relate to your situation since i was in the same place at the begining of this year, so i know how you feel and all the doubts you have. First of all keep in mind that you are the only one who with a deep knowledge of your gf and your realtionship over the years, so what happened to me (and other people in this forum) may not be your case, judge by yourself and take any advice carefully. That being said, there are a lot of threads here about people who are married, or share a life with their partners and have kept this secret for years, they regret that decision an look for advice on what to do, this is very important, keeping this kind of secret if you live with someone is extremely difficult and it will take a toll on your enjoyment of heels and your relationship, also if she discovers it, or rather when she does (she will eventually) it will be a problem, because of the shock and because that kind of secret is not good for a relation, she will feel betrayed and that you don't turst her. I told my gf about my desire to wear heels shortly after i asked her to move in together, and it has worked great for me, she doesn't allways get it, nor does she enjoy seeing me in heels, but se accepts it and i can wear them at home without fear or guilt, in the end i think that telling her is one of the most important decitions i made regarding our living together, because it allows me to indulge in this part of my life and not decieve her in any way. So my advice is, if your realtionship is serious and you see a future as a couple, that you share this part of you with her, but it's very important to do it the right way. Remember that heels are not a bad thing, you wanting to wear them is not bad either, and that's how the subject should be approached, in a frank and direct manner, answer any questions and doubts she may have (and she will have them, she will specially wonder if you are gay, ufortunatelly that is how most people think), try to be clear about your desires, what you want to do, when you want to wear them, do you want more fem clothes etc. When i told my gf some things were not clear enough, so she was a little surprised when i bought more than 1 pair, she didn't think i would like various styles etc, but things have worked out great after a little talk and my shoes are not a problem to our relationship. You are afraid, that is normal and undestandable, but you mention that she is open minded and she loves you, so that's really important, make sure that she understands that you are the same man she loves only the shoes are different. About "incorporating it in your relationship" be carefull with that part, some girls actually enjoy men in heels, some are indiferent, some hate it, in my case she doesen't enjoy it, so heels are not a part of our relationship in any way, they are just shoes i wear around the house sometimes, but that's fine by me, don't pressure her into anything, try to get her to accept it that is the main thing, if she actually enjoys it or whatever, that may come later, but don't rush it. I was very afraid of talking about this, but reading stories in this site convinced me that it was the right thing to do and today i would be very sorry if i hadn't. In short words: Don't hide it from her, if she is the one and you decide to keep a secret it will be a problem later on. Use your own judgement on how/when to tell her, and just talk about it, don't make id a difficult thing or give it a misterious air, they are just shoes, be frank and answer all her doubts. Read more threads in this fourm, maybe the courage you need is here somewhere. Good luck, and remember, this advice has no guarantee at all, but this really is not the huge problem that you picture in your head. And finally, please tell us about her reaction if you decide to tell her, im not trying to be intrusive, but i hate when people don't post the results in this kind of threads

[SF]

You should tell her as soon as possible. It's no fun keeping a secret like yours (ours). My wife (gf at the time) knew that I wore girls sandals - flats - from day one. She told me later that she thought it a bit unusual but it really didn't bother her. After about 15 years of marriage I began to wear heels. I bought my first pair on a "whim," and on the way home thought about how I was going to break the news to my wife, the fact that I now may want to wear heels (I still wasn't 100% sure). After a few days, I decided to go for it and tell her. She was out in the yard gardening, and I put on my new heels, walked outside and asked her if she liked my shoes. She was suprised and asked me where did I get those sandals. I told her, also saying that I think I liked them. Since then, I have worn heels when appropriate both with my gal and when solo. She is not 100% in favor (maybe 99%) of my heels, but is supportive and we occasionally laugh about it too. She has even bought me at least three pairs of heels over the years!! So, tell her, it is the best thing to do for both of you - especially if you want to continue to wear heels. Take care all.... sf

[bootmebaby]

I agree with the others and tech put it very disticnctly for you...she WILL find out if you try to hide. Everyone "slips up" eventually when they have a secret...and I would imagine that it is not that easy to hide your heels. Imagine this...if you hid them somewhere in the house (I'm assuming you do this) or even if you hid them in your car, eventually there will be a time when your gone and she's doing some cleaning I might stumble across them...or she goes to your car to get something (if you hide them there)...point is, she WILL find them at some time. As others have said, if that happens, the trust is GONE and that could be the beginning of the end. As tech said, the honey we need to talk is not a good way to start. Come up with something clever like "I've been having these dreams lately that I go shopping with you and we go into a shoe store so you can check out some new shoes...weave in there that somehow someway that you see yourself in this dream trying on shoes that she likes as well and that you're not sure why you're having these dreams...". Just something clever so she doesn't think it's a weird thing in her mind (some girls might think that...others may not). Bottom line is this, you have to tell her in some form or another. The whole basis for good relationships is TRUST. You have to look at like this; if you do tell her and she freaks out and leaves you, it wasn't meant to be...if you don't tell her and she finds out, same result. If you tell her and she's cool with it, then 'nuff said and you two live happily heeling ever after. Keep us informed of how it goes for you.

[partyshoes]

I can only agree with what 'Tech' and 'jdmonto' have already said.

I hid it from my wife for a while until it just about killed me and then I had several half arsed attempts at broaching the topic with her. Eventually I just came out and told her - didnt make it sound creepy or perverted. Whilst she wasnt exactly over the moon about it, she wasnt in total denial just unsure

Be prepared for all the stereo-typical questions - are you gay, do you want to wear womans clothes ... do you want a sex change .. they may seem silly to you but I believe that the questions are really as a result of societys pre-conditioning attitudes towards this type of thing. Best thing is to be patient and just talk through each part calmly.

We had several conversations over a period of time that allowed her to digest it and, like JD, I am now free to wear heels with the privacy of our home. There are rules - she doesnt want to be a part of it and the kids arent to see it but this is part of the compromise. As the time has passed, she has softened in her reactions to me and heels and no longer rolls her eyes, she even cracks the odd joke about it in private - who knows, maybe in time maybe she'll buy me a pair to two

Best of luck to you

[Terry2361]

tell her asap , my friend, I went 25 years hiding this from my wife, she wasnt 100% sure about it, but like others here, we chatted and she felt better that I told her, and not that she found out. Since, she has told me where to buy a nice pair of shoes that she likes, maybe I would too? Good Luck

[Guest]

Got to be done As she loves you at the worst a lot of whys will be asked so keep it straight, there may be lots of thought and cold shoulder treatment then more whys. Final outcome could be "I don't want to know" "I don't want to see". This is more likely, the questions as before "have you got some, lets see, put them on then, how do you walk then" From there it's being relaxed and depending on how she wants to play. I admit I tested the water first dropping hints then getting to the point that I couldn't hold back and all was ok, even going out for a heely walk in the same style that evening. Although she is not too keen of public activities and it is not a turn on for her, all is well. We have similar tastes in style and her only complaints is when I buy some more - whoever for! Remember stay relaxed. Al

[yozz]

And then there is also the possibility, as has happened to several members here, that she found them already and knows what they are for and just thinks that if you don't start about it she won't either. The important thing is anyway to convince her that you are still the same person as you were before you told her. The person she loves. You did not change. Only some knowledge changed. And that is knowledge you give her out of trust. Y.

[jdmonto]

Another thing is, does she know how much you like heels on women?, i mean almost every man likes them, but my girlfriend knew that heels really turned me on and that i was interested in them way more than an average guy, and that helped. This is easier to understand for women, and if she knows it may be a good way to start the conversation (something like: you know how i REALLY like to see you in heels? well there is more to it...) so it doesen't become a "Honey, we need to talk" thing, like Tech said, because that is a really bad way to start any conversation, and may get her in a bad mood before she knows what you need to tell her.

[Foxyheels]

Some very good advice on here, I told my wife after I had known her 10 days because I knew she was the one for me, if you know your relationship is strong you should be ok. Most important thing as others have said is the loss of trust if she finds out before you tell her, once th trust goes it is hard to recover. I think as Tech says you have made your mind up all ready and have come to us foraconfidence boost before you actully do it. Hopefully enough of us have encouraged you and given you the impetus to speak to her. Good luck

[Steve63130]

Lots of excellent advice in this thread. I will just add that I notice you call it a fetish several times. If this is indeed a fetish for you, it could greatly enhance your sex life and she will definitely appreciate that, too, which will bring you closer together as a couple. Pitch it to her that way and you both win! The downside could be, that the more you wear heels, the less of a turn-on they become, until you want to wear them all the time, just because they feel or look good to you (and by contrast men's shoes are so boring!). So beware of what you wish for! But whatever you do, tell her, trust her, but read her body language! Life isn't a rehearsal and you only get one chance at it. Good luck! Steve

[Histiletto]

Everyone has particular needs according to who they are. It's a fine thing when two people fall in love with each other and want to be together and know everything about the love of their life. They invision being able to share all their thoughts and activtities. Their first priorities are to promote and insure the well-being and happiness of their companion, even if it means they might have to forfeit their own interests. However, the forfeitures are never realized because the companion is willing to return the devotion and offer the same 100%+ as given. This period of revelation is known as the engagement before the matrimonial celebrations. It's the second stage of courtship. By the way, a loving and trusting relationship results because of the promises made, commitments kept, personal desires satisfied, exercizing the arts of forgiveness and tolerance, and expectations achieved for each other's goals.

[Confused]

I told my Girlfriend last week and just clearing the air with her took a massive weight off my mind. Personally I hate secrets and in my humble opinion they never do anything but harm. At some point in time unless she is very silly she will find out, something will happen, she may find your shoes or catch you in the act. You said in your original post you think she is the one. If that is true and you do not tell her you will be on edge for the rest of your life worried she may find your shoes (sounds like hell to me). When it comes to secrets I have found the longer you keep them the harder it becomes to come clean until it feels impossible because of the mountains of lies that have to be told to cover for the secret. By the way I am not attempting to be preachy I just tend to call things as I see them and I am quite blunt when typing on forums. I was however terrified before I told my Girlfriend and to be honest the only reason I managed to do it was because it was a snap decision and I didn't give myself time to second guess it. I showed her my thread in this forum as I didn't trust myself to tell her what I wanted to say. She took it better than I ever would have expected and is quite interested in helping me along, she even helped me buy some new heels. Now I know I am bloody lucky to have such a great girlfriend (I had better write that just incase she reads this) but if I had not confessed I would still have been panicking she would find out and questioning my every move. After telling her the whole concept that wearing heels is taboo just seems silly (admittedly I am not running around telling everyone yet, but the idea that I was some kind of nutter is gone). Anyway whatever you decide good luck.

[HappyinHeels]

HiStiletto, I've wanted to say this for a while but I believe the level of your articulate writings is exceeded by the height of your stiletto heels which is probably not a bad thing. Whilst endeavouring to put forth my best written effort I nevertheless am impressed with your consistently smooth writing style and calming effects your thoughts have on those that you're trying most to help. I believe it is the keystone of this forum and we all are better for it. Thanks for all you've done in this forum this year. That's the view from the "Frozen Tundra" in Wisconsin. HappyinHeels

[roniheels]

As you can see by all of these posts, honesty is the best and in this case, the only policy. Many of us, myself included, tried to hide our love of high heels from our partners and the results were not positive. Be honest and upfront. Then you must deal with her reactions to the news. Good luck to you.

[Awtucs]

Without taking over the thread, I just wanted to say thanks to all, inspirational stories and good points, since I'm in a similar situation. Known my wife for almost 10 years, and even though we've had some fun with shoes (& clothes ) it was some years ago. However, she knows I'm a bit of a shoe fetishist, buying all kind of footwear for although not for myself. Probably about time to tell her so, maybe I'll take it up, hopefully in a casual and funny way... (Maybe I'll even get her to take some nice photos of me ) Take care everyone! /A.

[chris100575]

As everyone else has said, honesty is the best policy. Worst case she may hit the roof, but it would be much worse if she (for example) found a pair of your heels and had to draw her own conclusions. The first question would almost certainly be what else you were hiding and her trust would be shot. I told my fiancée the day we met and she was surprised but not bothered by it. We've been living together for three years now and I've still not quite gotten used to the fact that I can wear heels whenever I like. She's been a star about it and is quite happy for me to totter around the house in my stilettos.

[77stiletto]

yeah, I told my gf and at first she thought it was a bit bit strange, but is now totally cool with it. She now makes a much bigger effort to wear her sexy stockings/heels and gets me to buy her heels I'd love to see her in. I'm a lucky Guy!!

[hhboots]

All great advice in this thread. I agree you should tell her sooner than later as the impact is almost certain to be much less than if you continue hiding it and she finds out on her own. I told my wife after I was with her about for more than a year and I think she might have already suspected I had a thing for several things considered feminine. I took a gradual approach, easing her into it, sort tested the waters first. Then one night, I really opened up to her after we had gone out that evening and had a really great time. Both of us were a bit intoxicated and in a silly mood, and it just felt right letting it all out. Its definitely not easy to talk about, especially since she was the very first person I told this too. Just like many here, it was a very tightly held secret for most of my life. The feeling I had after letting it out to her, was really great though. It was very similar to the feeling you have when you release a lot of stress after completing a major project or presenting / speaking in front of a large or important group, etc. I don't think you realize you have years of tension built up in hiding this from everyone, then letting someone very close to you know is quite liberating. Well, best of luck to you, hope it all goes well for you.

[lee_loves_shoes]

Many thanks for the encouraging replies. I guess I know what the right thing to do is, and maybe it's cathartic for me to anonymously admit it on a public forum as 'the first step', if you excuse the pun. There is a little dark side to her that she rarely shows, although it's not quite the same as mine, so I think we both hold back a little. I have a good feeling about revealing the last part of myself to her as I have tested myself to just about to tell her and gauge my own nervousness about it, and it's not as daunting as it once was. I am nervous about her reaction, whether she thinks there is more (am I a CD? TV? TS?!), whether she can accept it, and also to come to terms with it myself; I've dealt with this fetish all my life but never had the courage to share it with anyone. So... this is where I am now. Of course I'll post back and let you guys know how it goes. Once again, many thanks.

[big_a_64]

Sooner is always better when telling a significant other. The longer you wait the worse she is likely to take it because it's considered a lie of omission.

[Griez]

well my experience in this is very small... as i never rly got any GF but all my friends(inc girls) know i wear heels, i'w even told about it while i was drunk to some girls witch i rly dont know and after i meet them and they remember... the guy who like to wear heels :lmao: my best friend Girl also knows it(well even his 2 ex) and complete normally understand ^^ i know how i told one friend(girl) and beside her was another girl she's friend, when she heard how i told her how i walked in heals one night in public, she was surprised and just said im complete Fag and don't want see me any-more well if cant accept its not my problem. now im walking on heels, while im in my language course group also, one guy in there don't say anything about it and is complete friendly while girls seeming don't rly like and rly watching on my side with frightening, one time i needed to make conversation work with another student(girl witch they-self wear heals) about she was like she feel complete comfortable that i walked to her on heals while girls in front of her took out they cell-phones and took some pictures of my heels and could saw they are laugh deeply about me(thise girls was witchout heals and i bet they never walk them anyway(one of them was in my height(1,9M)) i think im going to start conversation with them to see they reaction, cuz they rly dont wanna talk with me about this and i rly wanna know whats inside they mind ^^

[Foxyheels]

well my experience in this is very small... as i never rly got any GF

but all my friends(inc girls) know i wear heels, i'w even told about it while i was drunk to some girls witch i rly dont know and after i meet them and they remember... the guy who like to wear heels :lmao:

my best friend Girl also knows it(well even his 2 ex) and complete normally understand ^^

i know how i told one friend(girl) and beside her was another girl she's friend, when she heard how i told her how i walked in heals one night in public, she was surprised and just said im complete Fag and don't want see me any-more

well if cant accept its not my problem.

now im walking on heels, while im in my language course group also, one guy in there don't say anything about it and is complete friendly while girls seeming don't rly like and rly watching on my side with frightening, one time i needed to make conversation work with another student(girl witch they-self wear heals) about she was like she feel complete comfortable that i walked to her on heals while girls in front of her took out they cell-phones and took some pictures of my heels and could saw they are laugh deeply about me(thise girls was witchout heals and i bet they never walk them anyway(one of them was in my height(1,9M)) i think im going to start conversation with them to see they reaction, cuz they rly dont wanna talk with me about this and i rly wanna know whats inside they mind ^^

Yes speak to them. Most of the time people's predjudices are founded by a lack of knowledge or learned behaviour and not a real dislike towards the person concerned. If you can educate these people that you are a normal guy with an alternative fashion sense you will probably get them on your side. It may alter the their normal reaction to ridicule anything they don't understand.

[Fred87]

Sooner is always better when telling a significant other. The longer you wait the worse she is likely to take it because it's considered a lie of omission.

Im in trouble

[legbarer]

If she really cares about you, your wife or girlfriend should support your activities. Several years ago, I bought my wife and I matching high heels to wear for a weekend get-away. I shaved my legs and feet at my wife's suggestion. My wife decided the I needed dressier heels for dinner so she found a shoe store that sold my size and bought two pairs of strappy high heels and a bottle of maroon nail polish. I wore 4 inch black strappy heels to dinner and to the movies that night with jeans. A few people looked when they heard my heels clacking on the pavement or down steps, but only one comment was made by by a woman sitting next to me in the movies. She remarked that my nails looked great and that more men should wear heels. My wife has been 100% supportive, especially after these positive comments.