Me in public with heels

[mlroseplant]

23 hours ago, Jkrenzer said:

I should have mentioned I didn't consider wearing heels until I was 20, so I was 40 before going open in public.

I always loved high heels as a youth but not until I experimented in college did I realize how much I enjoy wearing them too. I am convinced that male feet are actually better suited for heels just due to being stronger in general. 

This may be true,"in general" being the emphasized word here, but I sure wouldn't want to put myself up against any ballerina, no matter how amateur.

I got to thinking about Pride Month, and I had the opportunity to march in our local Pride parade as part of our United Methodist Church, and said "no thank you." I'm not marching in anybody's parade, I don't care whose it is, unless I'm playing a sousaphone in a band, and even then, I'm reluctant. Maybe they'll convince me next year.

[peterborough]

On 7/4/2023 at 6:17 PM, pebblesf said:

I hear ya buddy.  I call it "confidence in numbers".   London Pride is a "safe place" for a guy in heels/boots, many others with similar interests, not likely to be criticized or harassed.   Walking on the streets of London is another story, as in most other cities.  Societal norms have played major head games on most of us, we fear criticism (either vocal or not) when out in public settings.  We fear "the whole world is watching us".  It takes alot of time to build up the courage and confidence to venture out publicly in our favorite heels/boots.  My journey has been a long one for sure, started out so timidly, just wearing regular cowboy boots with slightly elevated heels.  Worked my way up to higher block heeled boots.  And now, finally, I am fairly comfortable wearing my 4.5" stiletto boots in most public settings.  I have learned that most of my fears were unfounded.  Most folks are too busy to take not of our footwear, unless it is extreme and hard to ignore.  Even so, most would not take the time to compliment or criticize.  I still have alot of work to do on confidence, I want to be able to wear my 1969 red thigh high stiletto boots in public over my levis.  I'm just a regular guy that loves high heel boots.  I think back to all those years wasted wearing the boots I love only in private, most due to my own unfounded fears.  I truly believe most guys have a thing for heels, whether they are straight or gay, the love of heels is a universal thing.  Overcoming idiotic societal stigmas is another story though.  I have to admit that I still really love having a heel buddy to accompany me when out and about, "confidence in numbers" still applies to me even today.   

I have warn heels around london many times with the heel on full display, never had any issues. even the underground trains.

[mlroseplant]

I hesitate to post this on here, because I don't wish to step on another member's thread, but this thread does have the momentum, and what I have to say is on point for the most recent topic, which is Pride Month and heels (or lack thereof).

As many of you know, but some newer members may not know, my wife and I are vendors at a couple of local farmer's markets which can't truly be called farmer's markets because we are street food vendors. Egg rolls and crab rangoons to be specific. Anyhow, during the warmer months you can see me dressed typically something like the photo below (excuse the bathroom mirror, it was the best I could do). I am not the only person you might see dressed like that, but I am the only male example, and I am pretty much on display for 4-5 hours in a night.

Right at closing time, I was approached by two young ladies who must be fellow vendors on the opposite side of the street, and they wanted to ask me about my heels. Then they asked me about pronouns. I explained, patiently, that although one would think I am a member of the LGBT+ community, and it seems like I ought to be, I am technically not. I am simply a guy who likes to wear high heels. I am likely to see them again next week, and I now feel pressure to wear some more impressive shoes than I have done so far this year, now that I know somebody is watching.

I did get some compliments on my shorts from other random people throughout the evening, but we were so busy that I just kind of brushed them off. Even if dressed unconventionally, you've still got to get the job done, right?

[pebblesf]

3 hours ago, mlroseplant said:

I hesitate to post this on here, because I don't wish to step on another member's thread, but this thread does have the momentum, and what I have to say is on point for the most recent topic, which is Pride Month and heels (or lack thereof).

As many of you know, but some newer members may not know, my wife and I are vendors at a couple of local farmer's markets which can't truly be called farmer's markets because we are street food vendors. Egg rolls and crab rangoons to be specific. Anyhow, during the warmer months you can see me dressed typically something like the photo below (excuse the bathroom mirror, it was the best I could do). I am not the only person you might see dressed like that, but I am the only male example, and I am pretty much on display for 4-5 hours in a night.

Right at closing time, I was approached by two young ladies who must be fellow vendors on the opposite side of the street, and they wanted to ask me about my heels. Then they asked me about pronouns. I explained, patiently, that although one would think I am a member of the LGBT+ community, and it seems like I ought to be, I am technically not. I am simply a guy who likes to wear high heels. I am likely to see them again next week, and I now feel pressure to wear some more impressive shoes than I have done so far this year, now that I know somebody is watching.

I did get some compliments on my shorts from other random people throughout the evening, but we were so busy that I just kind of brushed them off. Even if dressed unconventionally, you've still got to get the job done, right?

Life has gotten so complicated these days...  "What are your pronouns",  now what is all that about?  I surely don't be-grudge anyone from leading the lifestyle they like or feel comfortable with, but I surely can't keep up with all the definitions and titles.  What really kind of annoys me is that others get annoyed/upset when not addressed with the proper "pronoun", or "misgendered"....  It seems unfair to expect that the rest of the world is going to know just how to address an individual.  Again, I want all to be happy/proud of whatever gender role/sexual identity that applies to them, but feel it is unreasonable to expect the rest of local society to be informed, and somehow know just what their choices/identities are.  Do I make sense here, or am I being selfish and uninformed??

By the way, you look great.  I would take the womens' comments as compliments, you are taking good care of yourself and putting effort into your style.  It is just too bad that they may have made assumptions based on your outfit.   

[SF]

I have been wearing gals shoes since I was a pre teen in the 60's, a long time ago.  In the 90's I caught the HH bug and have worn heels (and flats) ever since.  I am a straight, married guy, and it has always bothered me when folks think that I am homosexual - I'm not - because I enjoy wearing gals shoes.  But having said that I can understand why folks assume that, given societies take on gender issues, especially these days.  As Pebbles said, it's getting complicated.  

Before folks get "rilled up," I have nothing against gay folks, they are God's creatures just like me.  I have at least two close family members who are gay, and like that fact that as a straight guy, can wear gals shoes and clothing, in public even.  As for pronouns, I don't get caught up in that either.  I will let others deal with that issue.  If you desire to assign a pronoun to yourself, that's your deal, go for it.  

And, mlroseplant, love your heels, I would proudly wear those too.  Why?  Just because I enjoy wearing heels, that's why...  smile

Not to "hijack" the thread, now back to our regular programing.  sf

[peterborough]

Well a small update to the origional conversations on this thread.

So when i told my brother about me wearing heels, he initally had a problem with it then he want on to to agree that i could wear my heels when at his or with him but with some restrictions.

Its been almnost 2 years ago since i told him

The Restrctions was

1) Not to wear them if i am collecting / dropping off his kids at School

2) Not to wear them at the Kids parties (if they have friends over that dont know about it) some do and never been a issue.

I respected that and when there is a party, I always ask if its ok for me to wear my heels before i go.

That has been in place for well over 18 months now. Never been a isuse.

Now out of no where, its now changed to

A) NO at Parties unless its only family.

b ) No if we go out for a family meal or a family day out.

His reason is, he knows alot of people and he does not want to bump into them with me wearing heels.

A Long time ago (Well over 12 months), i went to his Tattoo Studio, in my heels and one of his customers was there, she said to me, I like your heels. He told her that i was a friend and not his brother becasue he was embarrassed.

The issue that i have is, we spend alot of time together as a family Either him at ours or us at his and we go out for meals etc.

We went out for a meal last night for His daughters birthday, I asked could i wear my heels, he said no, So i respected that but when i arrived, it was just close family there all of which know about my heels.

I said to him last night in response to him saying i now have even more restrictions on me that "Dont invite me out anymore then, if you dont accept me for how i am. It ended with me walking out.

His thoughts are. Only girls wear heels. Not Men. Its not right.

Had a conversation with my partner about it. She thinks i get all defensive and should listen to my brother and basically do as he says.

She lets me wear heels when out with her, with the only exception of Stilettos.

She said to me that its not fair on her for me to say to my brother then don't invite me out anymore as that also affects her as in she likes going out with My brother, his wife and kids.

My issue is, I just want to be me, If i decide to wear heels then thats my choice. I do not control what other people wear or do.

I read somewhere once that, spending tine with people who do not respect / accept you as you, is wasting your time being with them. Family and partners should be unconditonal love / acceptace.

Edited July 11, 2023 by peterborough

[mlroseplant]

I definitely get what you mean. My wife absolutely does not want me wearing heels around her family in Vietnam. That kind of makes sense, given the more conservative and patriarchal society there. Not really a good analogy to what you are experiencing, but an example of a seeming arbitrary restriction nevertheless.

I can also understand about the desire to protect his children from any unnecessary ribbing by classmates. My ex-wife really got on me about that when our child was high school age. I basically ignored her, and nothing much ever came of it. I wear heels to all of my younger kid's events, and he tells me that it gets mentioned every once in  a while, but he doesn't care. If kids want to be cruel, they'll find some way to do that quite nicely on their own. You're not going to ruin their lives by wearing heels. Your brother probably doesn't believe that, but you know it's true.

I know none of this necessarily helps your situation, but those are my thoughts. I guess I would try to focus on the positives of your relationship with your brother and try not to get too hung up on this. It's probably not worth it, assuming that there is no fundamental underlying problem I don't know about.

[peterborough]

The problem is we spend alot of time with my brother, especally at weekends.

it does my head in when i see family memebers (in heels) yet i'm male and have no choice.

I feel so strong about this, He's response is normally met with "You dont like it, you know where the door is"

[Shyheels]

It sounds a bit like you are more interested in the relationship than he is if he is making this a my way or the highway thing. You seem at least open to discussion and compromise and he is not. By the sound of things he is quite willing for you to walk away over this.

Describing you to his friend/client as a friend and not a brother is not good. In fact, it’s really bad.

you mention he has a tattoo parlour. A lot of people don’t care for tattoos. They have a perceived stigma too. How would he feel if you declined to recognise him as your brother and told your neighbours he was just an acquaintance because he ran a tattoo parlour and you were ashamed of him? He probably wouldn’t care for it.

Depending on how you want to proceed, what value you put in your relationship and how much time you want to spend together, you could consider just not wearing heels around him at all - assume he will be offended and leave the heels at home - but at the same time start to shift your social focus away from him and his family and on to people and situations that bring you greater joy.

This would avoid a big blow up, 

it does not sound like he is open to any compromise. 

 

[peterborough]

Basically i can now only go to his house with my heels provided none of his frinds are their or his kids friends. If we go for a family meal, i'm not to wear the heels.

His midset is a Man is a Man and men do not weear heels etc.

[Cali]

And only men get tattoos.  

I only wear mild 4 inch heels when I out with my daughter.

[Shyheels]

A relationship where one party sets the terms, without discussion or negation, let alone compromise, does not sound very healthy to me.

[bambam]

Yep, the whole thing was annoying until he told somebody that you were a friend, and not a brother. That's not simply annoying, that's pathological, as well as insulting, degrading, and incorrect. He lied. That is so thoroughly f%$@#d up, I can't be emphatic enough about it.

[Shyheels]

1 hour ago, bambam said:

Yep, the whole thing was annoying until he told somebody that you were a friend, and not a brother. That's not simply annoying, that's pathological, as well as insulting, degrading, and incorrect. He lied. That is so thoroughly f%$@#d up, I can't be emphatic enough about it.

I agree. The disowning bit puts the whole thing into an entirely different category. 

[peterborough]

He does not care at all. If it was the other way around and he was the one in heels. Im sure he would say, if you dont accept it, then go do one. My Partner agrees with this but then says, i'm not my brother and i'm better then that.

I think the only two that are holding this together is my partner and my brothers wife.

Have my partner say to me, is it worth losing your brother over a pair of shoes. (She dont get it, its the princable around it) I want to be happy in life and the people we hang out with.

My partner said, if you ignore what he is saying you will never see my Neice's and Nephew again.

its so messed up in my eyes. My view is if someone, Family or not, cannot accept you as you then they are not worthy of your time.

Partner talks to my sister-inlaw alot they are like best friends.

While my partner agrees with me somewhat, she is more focused on saving the relationship between my brother and I. That what it seems anyway.

My Partner said to me, if she wanted to dye her hair Red and someone (Family) had a issue with it, she would not get it done. She is 37, lives with me and my thought process is, If you cannot do something for yourself due to other peopels views then what the heck. You cannot please everyone i said. Make yourself happy first before everyone else.

We had an understanding well over 12 months ago and been working fine, then out of no where, more restrictions.

 

 

Edited July 12, 2023 by peterborough

[mlroseplant]

I kind of knew this was more messed up than it seemed on the surface. It always is with these things. I am curious, what do the kids think, if anything?

[peterborough]

There is 3 Kids

13 Year Old - She is ok with it mostly.
12 Year Old - he is ok providng he is in a good mood
8 Year Old - she is ok providng he is in a good mood

[pebblesf]

20 hours ago, Shyheels said:

It sounds a bit like you are more interested in the relationship than he is if he is making this a my way or the highway thing. You seem at least open to discussion and compromise and he is not. By the sound of things he is quite willing for you to walk away over this.

Describing you to his friend/client as a friend and not a brother is not good. In fact, it’s really bad.

you mention he has a tattoo parlour. A lot of people don’t care for tattoos. They have a perceived stigma too. How would he feel if you declined to recognise him as your brother and told your neighbours he was just an acquaintance because he ran a tattoo parlour and you were ashamed of him? He probably wouldn’t care for it.

Depending on how you want to proceed, what value you put in your relationship and how much time you want to spend together, you could consider just not wearing heels around him at all - assume he will be offended and leave the heels at home - but at the same time start to shift your social focus away from him and his family and on to people and situations that bring you greater joy.

This would avoid a big blow up, 

it does not sound like he is open to any compromise. 

 

Great advice indeed

The more I read, the more I realize there are several layers to this issue indeed, no easy answers.   I don't want to cut down someone I don't know, but your brother does not seem like a good brother to me at all.  I fear that his negative comments/behaviors/demands/threats are having a very negative effect on your own well being and self worth.  While your brother may indeed be concerned about his kids getting bullied/teased, I think it is his own insecurities that are really the underlying problem.  Unfortunately, he controls the cards here, and you don't want to lose out on seeing your nieces/nephews.  

Nonetheless, I think the two of you should have a talk.  Let him know that it seems like he is insecure and embarrassed, and that his kids do not seem overly concerned or worried about your heels.  But, be very careful not to use the kids as pawns by asking them about it and reporting your findings back to your brother to prove your point.   Let your brother know you would never treat him this way, you value your relationship much more than a pair of heels.  You may need to back off on your family time, and give yourself a little more freedom in to wear the heels you want in other settings.  You may want to consider just not wearing heels at all in these family settings, having to ask permission all the time is very demeaning and is slowly eroding your self worth.  

I'm betting your nieces and nephews will probably ask you "why aren't you wearing your heels"?  At that point, I would just be honest and say their dad fears that your heels might upset them or cause issues with the friendships.  Let them know that your relationship with them means much more than a pair of shoes, and leave it at that.  I'm betting the kids will say something to their dad along the lines of "we don't care if uncle wears heels, doesn't bother us a bit".... 

Hold your head high buddy, don't let your brother's closeted insecurities bring your down..

[Puffer]

I've only just caught up with this thread, the recent tenor of which appears to be 'intolerance'.   At the risk of repeating what others have said already, I feel obliged to comment.

Spikesmike is on very rocky ground when he suggests that anything less than a fetishy stiletto heel is required for active participation on this board and, despite his obvious and extreme preferences, I am surprised as well as saddened that he should try to make the point and thereby potentially to alienate a significant number of members, me included.   Whatever individual aspirations might be - such as wearing a 5"+ stiletto heel openly in public (and without discomfort) - the majority of members will rarely if ever do so, and will be content with something more modest - and practical.   The boots pictured and worn by Peterborough in April are surely perfectly acceptable for male public wear, and by anybody's definition they have a 'high' heel.   Exactly what one might expect for initial and cautious expeditions, quite possibly leading to greater adventure in due course.   And I have little doubt that Spikesmike started somewhere similar on the heeling scale before aspiring to his usual lofty and disdainful heights.

As to the anti-heeling attitude of a close relative, I have to consider my admitted dislike of tattoos and the businesses that provide them.   It seems to me that someone closely involved in that field is in no position to sit in judgement on a man who likes to wear modest heels in public.   I know which 'look' would be considered the less acceptable or more threatening to my grandchildren, and their parents.