I've been enjoying some sleepless nights lately, not unusual for me, seems to be a cyclical thing, and when I am up at 2 am, I go for walks. I go for walks all the time anyway, but at night its especially nice with the quiet, and in the past when I was a little more uncomfortable wearing heels, I would use this time to walk in heels. It's when I found out it wasn't a sexual thing for me, and when I knew that it wasn't going away either. True to this premonition, and supported by others on this website, the heels have not left my mind.
Last night was the first in what I suspect will be a long month or so of late nights, and when I got up at 2, I felt the same urge to put on a pair of jeans and some stilettos, and go for a walk. I only got down the front step before I realized how ridiculous I felt, both at not having the self respect to do this in daytime hours, and for the guilt I still felt for wanting to wear them. No matter how hard I try, some part of me still believes that I am doing something wrong, even after people, including girlfriends, insist that I am ok, even after playing on stage in heels, I feel as if it somehow looks wrong, and I am trespassing where I shouldn't. This instantly makes me angry, since the world is perfectly content with women crossing these boundaries with ease, while requiring that I maintain a vigil representation of a man from the past. Biology can explain it, but intellectualizing it doesn't help me, and I'm not sure what to do about it, since I still want to play an active role in this world, preferably as a positive, rather than a victim or activist.
I will most likely wear heels until I can't anymore, either from injury or change in profession. Not sure what to expect from this post, I just needed to vent to people who might understand.