Wearing high heels as a parent with elementary school-age kids?

[RayCF]

Hi, Everyone,

Let me say right off that I really appreciate the HHPlace, all of you whose exploits I've followed with great interest over the years and all of the things I've learned from you all.  Let me also say that I consider myself extremely fortunate in that I am married to a woman who knows all about my affinity for wearing high heels and is just fine with it.  I used to wear them as often as possible, and recently surpassed the pairs of flat shoes by pairs of heels.  Here is a question for you all, well, for those of you with kids: how did/do your children force you to modify when/where you wear your heeled shoes and boots?  As cool as my wife is about my choices in footwear, she is equally adamant about shielding our sons from possible blowback at school and in our community.  Our boys are not yet adolescents and we live in a conservative military town.  My wife/their mom doesn't want them to be subject to ridicule from members of their peer group if their families knew about me.  I see her point, but am very curious to know if any of you have dealt with a similar matter.  And, if so, how did you handle it?  Thank you all for your insights, comments, advice and recommendations.

Best regards,

RayCF

[HappyinHeels]

RayCF,

I'd pay particular attention to what your wife is saying! She appears supportive of you but recognizes reasonable limitations. All in good time everything will work out. HappyinHeels

[hh_pe]

RayCF,

I have to second what HappyinHeels states, pay attention to your wife.  The key, which you imply in your message, is to have open communication about this issue. I too am lucky, my wife is supportive of my heel wearing.  When our eldest was about two year old, I realized I had to stop wearing heels around the house. Our child was growing up fast, and my mother in-law was spending more time with us.  My wife also indicated it was time for me to stop because she expressed the same concerns your wife indicated to you.  When the kids got older (we have three now), I asked my wife what style of women's shoes would she consider acceptable for me to wear in public, even with the kids.  She suggested a few styles of flats, which I know are not "high" heels, but they work for now.  I always show my wife what I would like to purchase prior to getting the shoe for her approval.  If she doesn't think the shoe will pass for a men's shoe, then I don't get it. My kids see me wear the flats and have never said anything about it. I do have two pairs of 3-inch heels, but those only come out when the kids are not around. And remember that old saying "A happy wife is a happy life".

[maninpumps]

I would have to agree with your wife . Being a parent as you already know is about protecting our children ... even if from ourselves . When my children were younger , I kept it to a minimum . I never really made a big deal of it and they don't either . Children learn from adults and that means they react in the same way . Monkey see , Monkey do .

  You may think about a "Date Night " when the children are visiting a family member ,  Aunt or Uncle . Maybe even put a pair of heels in the car before the sitter shows up for date night . Make sure you have the date in another town .

 You can bet they will find your heels at some point . They will only believe they are moms for so long and then , it's why are they so large ? My son and daughter both wore my heels around the house . This is when my wife and I gave straight answers . My son has even worn my heels to Halloween parties . My children are teens now and we have a house full of children at any given time . My children have had their friends to ask about a pair I have left laying out . They just say , yea dad wears heels sometimes .  I never hear any sas about it and none of the parents have said anything . They just want to know if we ordering pizza for them .  In my opinion most children today are more acceptable of other peoples ways . Today it's not like it was back in the 70s when I grew up . Best of luck . MIP 

[RayCF]

Thanks, guys - your observations and advice are all well-taken.  I've got more to add to the conversation, but will have to post it later today.  RayCF

[mlroseplant]

I have taken a slightly different approach. And by "slightly," I mean "radically." I have two sons ages 16 and 7. The older one accepts me without question, and his friends seem to accept me without question. I have worn heels to all school functions and parent-teacher conferences, and the only person who has ever said anything to me is my ex-wife, who suggested that I think about the possible consequences to our son. I later discussed it with my son, and he said he didn't really care if I wore heels to his school. My version of compromise was to start wearing slightly less radical shoes to high school functions, for example, block-heeled boots instead of thin-heeled sandals. I have not heard a word of complaint from anyone since.

The younger one has never really known me without heels, so that is a different equation. Little kids are less inhibited, so they will come right up and ask you, "Why are you wearing girl shoes?" Parents or older siblings often try to shush these questions, but I find the best approach is to say, "No, it's OK, I don't mind answering their questions." In this way, both children and parents can be educated to the fact that I'm just a normal, pretty boring dude who has a wife, kids, and a job just like everybody else. I have never heard from my younger son that there is any problem because of me with his friends, and he is definitely one who would tell me if there was.

I realize that my approach probably won't work for everyone, especially if you're not well known in the community as a heeler, but this has worked for me and my family so far.

[pebblesf]

I don't have kids so have no business posting, oh well.

But, it seems like both approaches have merit.  You surely don't want to expose young kids/teens to unnecessary attention/teasing, growing up is tough enough.  But, it is probably a good idea to give them some exposure to you wearing heels at home.  Like others have said, young kids are pretty open, and can deal with these issues much better than we think they can.  

[robbiehhw]

We have teenagers but they have known of their dads femininity from earliest ages. Youth of today are remarkably less hung up on gender than even generation X was. We simply let them know that either gender could wear the other gender's items and they were welcome to as well. Neither has chosen to do so, but they knew it was ok. When i began to transition to my true gender, it was simply an update of that conversation.

Generally everyone goes barefoot or in stockings in the house, but they see me leave for work nearly every day in heels. I tone it down a bit at their events and things mainly because i don't want to offend anyone's cultural issues, but i still look and dress feminine.

 

 

[laceups]

I take a similar view to hh_pe. My wife is OK with me wearing heels but we agreed that I would not whilst the kids are around and I've never worn anything more than a 6cm block heel outside anyway. I have various flat boots including overknees that I wear under my jeans. My kids (they are now approaching teenage) have seen these and not taken much notice. 

I agree that most kids would be cool about it, but at school it only takes one to cause a lot of trouble and I'm not taking the risk for what for me is just a bit of fun when heeling.

[Heelster]

I can relate completely.

My wife is OK with heels around the house, and even some higher than usual boots in certain areas (not locally) but she doesn't like the idea of me wearing anything unusual, or should I say not typical for a guy locally. My kids are college or older now, and they have seen me in some of my block heeled boots, but no stiletto heels. They don't say much, and it doesn't affect them either. It's usually when we are at their locations/cities and not at our home location.

The local community in general would not be accepting of a guy in heels. We know that. The locals tend to enthusiastically despise the gays that go camping at a local camp ground - - to the point where they have attempted numerous times to get the place shut down. They found ways to eliminate a local school administrator and a teacher when it was discovered they were lesbians.

A married guy wearing skinny jeans and high heeled sandals - - locally - - Oh hell no. We would both most likely lose our jobs sooner or later.

You need to review what may be at stake within your family. What affect it will have on your kids in regards to the community, and how they would react. Our passions may not be worth the price paid by ourselves and those around us.

[mlroseplant]

4 hours ago, Heelster said:

I can relate completely.

My wife is OK with heels around the house, and even some higher than usual boots in certain areas (not locally) but she doesn't like the idea of me wearing anything unusual, or should I say not typical for a guy locally. My kids are college or older now, and they have seen me in some of my block heeled boots, but no stiletto heels. They don't say much, and it doesn't affect them either. It's usually when we are at their locations/cities and not at our home location.

The local community in general would not be accepting of a guy in heels. We know that. The locals tend to enthusiastically despise the gays that go camping at a local camp ground - - to the point where they have attempted numerous times to get the place shut down. They found ways to eliminate a local school administrator and a teacher when it was discovered they were lesbians.

A married guy wearing skinny jeans and high heeled sandals - - locally - - Oh hell no. We would both most likely lose our jobs sooner or later.

You need to review what may be at stake within your family. What affect it will have on your kids in regards to the community, and how they would react. Our passions may not be worth the price paid by ourselves and those around us.

I can only say I feel very lucky that the people in my community, though some may disapprove of my fashion choices, accept me as I am. Keep the faith, brother.

[SF]

My experience is similar to others here.  Married, a couple of kids, and Dad wears gals shoes.  Hmmmm.  The wife is OK with me in heels.  I (we) decided that I would not wear heels in front of the kids, but have worn gals flats and sandals around them since they were born.  The kids know I wear heels, have even seen the shoes - and me in them on a few occasions.  To them it does't seem to be a big deal.  Almost not an issue, I just choose not to "flaunt" my heels in front of them.  sf

[mlroseplant]

I have read several responses which essentially say "I don't wear heels in front of my kids." I do not really understand this. Well, unless you started wearing heels when they were teenagers, then in many circumstances I could see it. But for younger children, I'm going on the assumption that the anticipated problem is not the kids themselves, but rather the friends/classmates, and maybe more importantly, the parents of those friends/classmates.

If I may play devil's advocate for a minute, isn't hiding your shoes from your kids a tacit admission that what you're doing is somehow wrong? I can absolutely see not wanting it to get out into the general public in some circumstances, but I don't understand the hiding it from your kids.

I look forward to hearing people's further thoughts on the subject.

[Bubba136]

Circumstances are not the Same in all cases.  In some situations that prohibition might have been a stipulation set forth by a wife in exchange for her support.

[Heelster]

On 3/23/2016 at 2:07 PM, mlroseplant said:

I have read several responses which essentially say "I don't wear heels in front of my kids." I do not really understand this. Well, unless you started wearing heels when they were teenagers, then in many circumstances I could see it. But for younger children, I'm going on the assumption that the anticipated problem is not the kids themselves, but rather the friends/classmates, and maybe more importantly, the parents of those friends/classmates.

If I may play devil's advocate for a minute, isn't hiding your shoes from your kids a tacit admission that what you're doing is somehow wrong? I can absolutely see not wanting it to get out into the general public in some circumstances, but I don't understand the hiding it from your kids.

I look forward to hearing people's further thoughts on the subject.

Wife's request within the household. and local community. The kids have seen me in some of my boots, but no stiletto's. We agree that for me to wear heels in the local community would be detrimental to our professions. When the kids are not home, it's not an issue. When I'm out on the road, I am cautious depending on where I;m at and if I'm travelling with co-workers.

[DProud2700]

If I can offer my 2 cents.  I am married with two grown step daughters that know of my heel wearing and have been with me when I go out in them(I do make sure my pants cover them other than the toe and heel showing respectfully).

[robbiehhw]

In a sense the "toning it down" or being respectful to the more conservative (or bigoted) community is wrong. Change comes from fully embracing it and letting it go fully. I totally understand why people do it and i do too, but i don't like myself when i do. I also get compromises for spouses etc.

Change is coming fast thankfully.