~Kind Of Scared & Unsure~

[Lvemadomina]

Hey everyone, I don't normally post threads for help & advice but here I am. I'll try not to make this a long story but I'm kind of at a point of uncertainty and insecurity.

 

So why I'm posting this is because I still live at home and I walked in one day from work and saw that the one place where I hide my black pumps, it was opened...And inside was nothing but the little bag I got when I first recieved them, they were gone, my mom found them.

Now what really baffles me is nothing at all was said to me about it. A few years ago I took over my sister's room and renovated it, so my assumption was she thought they were my sister's which still confuses me because they're size 12 and the heel is really high on them too, she doesn't wear really anything over 3-4 inches.

 

I ended up finding the shoes and recovered them back into my room which I know is a bad idea, I have a temporary hiding place right now but my burning question is, should I talk about it with her? I know they're going to be found again, it's just the vulnerability. I also hide my gold tipped stilettos in a fairly good spot, but anything is bound to happen because my sense of invulnerability is gone.

 

On the upside to this mini story, I have been a little more comfortable with myself, I work in a shoe department store now so I'm around heels all the time! Which I love. And I did tell my mom that I enjoy working in women's shoes and stuff. But I just have the hardest time talking about why. I also have some gender identity problems that I'm not sure if I should talk about too, like I just want to be Androgynous or Gender Fluid, not transform completely or anything.

 

Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read this. I've talked to my good friend Jorisken123 about some of this stuff in the past. But I'm just feeling kind of stumped and a little confused on what to do right now with this situation and any help or advice you post I'll greatly appreciate.

 

Thanks again everyone

Lvemadomina ♥

[bionicbabe]

You should ask where they are and say you were given those from the store for free, to give to a female friend, which you haven't gotten around to doing yet, or make up a Halloween excuse for them

[Shafted]

Don't make up excuses.

[mtnsofheels]

I would be honest with and just say to her " I like these shoes" then ask what she thinks? There is nothing better than being honest with the person

who has been your teacher in life. She can not fire you! She may have a hard time to understand, but if she loves you she will listen to you.

This is the best time now to just be honest, do not be afraid, as the more you hold back, the harder it will become.

Try it.

[Steve63130]

Absolutely right! Nothing but honesty here. She is your mother and (we'll assume) she loves you very much. So you owe it to her to be totally honest. Deceipt will not work. It could backfire and put you in a situation where you have no further credibility and trust. Don't go there.

 

Look, the cat's out of the bag, so she knows about the shoes. I think you really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You love shoes. You love them on women. You love to wear them yourself. It's not so odd - there are thousands of guys in the world who wear heels, many do so publicly. Show her this web site and how many hits it has per day. There are fashion-forward guys like yourself out there who are into heels, hosiery, lingerie, and other items that are traditionally for women, but fashions change and you're just in the vanguard. You have the high heel gene. Nobody knows why, you just do. It's not a fault of yours or a failing of your mother's. It is what it is. Celebrate it!

 

Now, can you use this conversation to go further? Can you get her permission, blessing, or even encouragement to be able to wear your heels in the house whenever you want? You didn't say if your father lives there, too, so I don't know if that's a complication or not. Maybe your mother will take it well and be ok with your wearing all the time. Wouldn't that be a great milestone? Maybe she loves heels herself and would feel closer to you if you both share that activity and shop together for clothes and heels for yourselves? Only you can know this, but if I were you, I would try to bare my soul at this point, don't hide anything more, show her any other shoes that she didn't find, and use this as a golden opportunity to become closer to your mother and entrust her to your "secret" desires, which are now not-so-secret anyway. Looking at it from her point of view, she may be insecure about the shoes she found and have a thousand questions for you, too! Answer them honestly and bring yourself closer to her emotionally. I hope your discussion ends up with good results.

 

Keep us all informed how it goes. Good luck!

 

Steve

[meganiwish]

I see you're about the same age as my boy, a couple of years younger, so here's my ha'porth.  He's a full grown man (as are you) and can do what he wants.  He can vote, stand for Parliament, father children, drive a thirty ton lorry if he gets the licence, fight for his country, refuse to fight...  The list goes on.  It all stopped being any of my business when he reached majority.  Would anything he did make me feel different?  Well, if he murdered his sister, maybe, but otherwise he's always my boy.

 

I don't know your circumstances, but maybe you just need to 'man up', as you say across the Atlantic.  if all else fails you can move out and wear what you will at home.  I suspect, pace Steve, that your mother would have little interest and no questions.  I really don't want to know what my boy gets up to. So keep it secret if you like, or be open, but the main thing to remember is, none of her business.  don't let your mother live your life.  Mothers have to let go.  Much as it hurts, it's part of the job.

[Shafted]

I see you're about the same age as my boy, a couple of years younger, so here's my ha'porth.  He's a full grown man (as are you) and can do what he wants.  He can vote, stand for Parliament, father children, drive a thirty ton lorry if he gets the licence, fight for his country, refuse to fight...  The list goes on.  It all stopped being any of my business when he reached majority.  Would anything he did make me feel different?  Well, if he murdered his sister, maybe, but otherwise he's always my boy.

 

I don't know your circumstances, but maybe you just need to 'man up', as you say across the Atlantic.  if all else fails you can move out and wear what you will at home.  I suspect, pace Steve, that your mother would have little interest and no questions.  I really don't want to know what my boy gets up to. So keep it secret if you like, or be open, but the main thing to remember is, none of her business.  don't let your mother live your life.  Mothers have to let go.  Much as it hurts, it's part of the job.

Thank you. A very well needed perspective.

[SleekHeels]

First imagine how you'd feel if you were in your mom's position. Her head must be spinning with possibilities, which is maybe why she hasn't said anything about it.

Your sense of insecurity and vulnerability comes from the pressure of trying ot keep a secret. When I was "discovered" it was a huge relief that the secret was gone (even though my mom totally disapproves). If you feel the need to talk to her and clear the air then you should do that. I would recommend that you approach it as trying to support her in coming to terms with it. Ask her what her thoughts, feelings and concerns are and try to address those as honestly as you can, because her acceptance is dependent on resolving her confusion, not yours. There's no guarantee that she will accept it or even that she'll try to understand, but at least you will know that you did everything you could to support her and give her every chance of coming to terms with it.  Good luck.

[meganiwish]

Thank you. A very well needed perspective.

Well I  tried.  Still, most of us do dream of a Seymour Skinner.  It's always useful to have chap's mother to tell you how it should be done.

[Lvemadomina]

Thanks so much for the support so far, I literally have read through each post that was placed on here. I think I just need to think of an approach at the moment. I've come close to talking about it, but it seems like there's always something that makes me change my mind...I'll keep you all updated on things. For the record, yes my father does live together with me and mom which I think adds incredible difficulty with it...

 

And again, THANKS SO MUCH everyone. I'll post as things go.

[Gudulitooo]

Well I feel you have not yet decided which life you want, (fairly common for young men) and even which gender you will keep (which is more seldom as for the vast majority of people this is deceided before bearth).

 

The good news is you still have all the possibiilities in front of you, and you can even decide to change your mind each new year.

The backside is that you will confuse the people around you, who prefer to identify their friend / son / etc. so that they know what they can propose / offer / expect from you and how to please you.

 

And you know what, the best way to decide which way you prefer is to test them all. Why woudn't you have some nice high heels under your bed ?

[ShoeDre]

I see you're about the same age as my boy, a couple of years younger, so here's my ha'porth.  He's a full grown man (as are you) and can do what he wants.  He can vote, stand for Parliament, father children, drive a thirty ton lorry if he gets the licence, fight for his country, refuse to fight...  The list goes on.  It all stopped being any of my business when he reached majority.  Would anything he did make me feel different?  Well, if he murdered his sister, maybe, but otherwise he's always my boy.

 

I don't know your circumstances, but maybe you just need to 'man up', as you say across the Atlantic.  if all else fails you can move out and wear what you will at home.  I suspect, pace Steve, that your mother would have little interest and no questions.  I really don't want to know what my boy gets up to. So keep it secret if you like, or be open, but the main thing to remember is, none of her business.  don't let your mother live your life.  Mothers have to let go.  Much as it hurts, it's part of the job.

 

Simply put, you rock!  Couldn't have said it better myself.

[freestyle75]

I've been in your place (sort of, already lived at my own place at that time). I was crossdressing, even contemplated changing genders and talked to a therapist, who talked me into opening up to my parents. A whole sh*tstorm happened after talking to my parents (they even started calling my friends to talk me out of it) - although in the end it kept me from going further, it also showed me that if I "only" had crossdressed, not mentioning the topic to them probably would have been the best way to deal with it.

 

It really depends on your parents, but don't expect them to understand that you "just" want to be "gender fluid". Even the term "gender fluid" is something that parents probably are not aware of and fear. A lot. The first thing that your mom will probably think is "what did I do wrong in raising my son?". Once you have opened up this topic, it will always be there. My father got so agitated over the whole situation that he developed a stomach ulcer and had to go to hospital (he nearly died).

 

I last crossdressed (full drag) about 10 years ago - and my mom still brings up the topic every now and then. "There is a documentary on TV on crossdressers and how they are all wasting their lives. You should watch it!".

 

If a pair of heels are the only thing you keep as a secret, and if you don't want to change your gender or dress up as a girl, just leave the shoes in a hidden place and keep it to yourself as long as you still live at home. When you grow up further and decide that this is not just a phase, but if you like to continue wearing heels, you may still "come out" to your parents at a later time. If you change your mind later and throw out these heels, not disclosing is the better option.

 

I know that I am the only one with that advice, but I also think that nobody answered you so far that still lives at home and is in a similar situation.

[Shafted]

I've been in your place (sort of, already lived at my own place at that time). I was crossdressing, even contemplated changing genders and talked to a therapist, who talked me into opening up to my parents. A whole sh*tstorm happened after talking to my parents (they even started calling my friends to talk me out of it) - although in the end it kept me from going further, it also showed me that if I "only" had crossdressed, not mentioning the topic to them probably would have been the best way to deal with it.

 

It really depends on your parents, but don't expect them to understand that you "just" want to be "gender fluid". Even the term "gender fluid" is something that parents probably are not aware of and fear. A lot. The first thing that your mom will probably think is "what did I do wrong in raising my son?". Once you have opened up this topic, it will always be there. My father got so agitated over the whole situation that he developed a stomach ulcer and had to go to hospital (he nearly died).

 

I last crossdressed (full drag) about 10 years ago - and my mom still brings up the topic every now and then. "There is a documentary on TV on crossdressers and how they are all wasting their lives. You should watch it!".

 

If a pair of heels are the only thing you keep as a secret, and if you don't want to change your gender or dress up as a girl, just leave the shoes in a hidden place and keep it to yourself as long as you still live at home. When you grow up further and decide that this is not just a phase, but if you like to continue wearing heels, you may still "come out" to your parents at a later time. If you change your mind later and throw out these heels, not disclosing is the better option.

 

I know that I am the only one with that advice, but I also think that nobody answered you so far that still lives at home and is in a similar situation.

You may be the only one with such advice, but it is still good advice none the less.

[meganiwish]

You may be the only one with such advice, but it is still good advice none the less.

Indeed.  .If only Pandora had been wary about opening the box

[Histiletto]

Lvemadomina,

Apparently, your Pandora's box has been found and you have recovered your chosen footwear. So there is at least two points of actions known to have happened that will probably have to be dealt with. If you are sure it was your mom that discovered your heels, I would approach her by saying something like "I understand you found the shoes/heels I had hidden and you took them away. I have since retrieved them. Could we talk about this?" First of all, does your mom like wearing heels? Why? Has anything similar to or connected in anyway to her discovery of your heels ever happen before? In other words, have you been known to wear similar footwear prior to the latest sequence of incidents your mom would know about. If so, you can refer to such point(s) as evidence of your desire for wearing heels. If not, tell her you like the look of high heels and you have been wearing the heels she found. As was said before, be honest and open while discussing yours and her concerns as much as you feel comfortable revealing. Good luck and may all things go well for you.

[meganiwish]

Pandora's Box:  she had the choice to open it or not.  When she did it unleashed all the evil in the world.  It's a warning to beware of unintended consequences.

 

To Lvemadomina, I know it's hard at your age.  We never get surer of ourselves, just better at pretending.  It's scary to become a grown up, but ultimately you'll want to make the step.  Time to pretend. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQ5D4pT4boQ  Love your mother and treat her well, but don't live your life to please her.

[vector]

Lvemadomia,

 

You have been given a lot of advice and food for thought on this topic, and I have yer a few more "gems" to add.  Before you talk to your mother (and father) about your shoe interest, ask yourself this, "...if they don't accept it, where would I go?".  Remember you live at home, under their roof.  If they don't agree with your habits, they may well say "GO!".  Now, I admit that I (probably) don't know you or your parents, and you are the best one to judge how accepting they would/might be.  But remember, it's still their house that you live in.

 

Best of luck to you!

[ilikekicks]

Be open to your mother. Tell her " Mom, I dig the kicks. Thats all there is to it. ". 

 

Its not like your joining ISIS or robbing banks. Your not bothering anyone. Im pretty sure she will understand.

[hhboots]

You know your parents best of all and should use that to guide your decision on whether or not to go further with the matter. Based on what you have said, at this point I would only discuss what is necessary to get a feel for where the conversation will go. Start out basically with the words histiletto used above. Open up only about the shoes she found, tell her how you feel and be honest... up to a point. No need to go into the whole discussion about everything you have stashed, or gender fluidity at this time, etc. Just let her know you have a strong fondness for heels, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Not sure how much longer you intend to be at your parents house but really there is no need to go much further than that. Maybe later when you move out on your own, you can talk more openly with them if you choose to. I just don't think you need push things too far with your parents in your remaining time at home with them... unless you plan to be there for many more years. Anyway, at the very least you do need to talk about what she found, because that cat was already let out of the bag and will almost certainly come back again on its own and perhaps not in a pleasant way unless you take control of it.

[Steve63130]

Lvemadomina,

 

I'm really impressed with the amount of caring and excellent advice you received here so far. You have a lot of concerned brothers and sisters, so do what you think is best for your future and show love and respect to your parents. Do let us know how it goes.

 

Good luck!

 

Steve

[estar]

Here's another perspective. When your mom (or dad) found your pumps, they didn't just close the box and walk away. They actually took them. One could argue that was a passive/aggressive move on her part to invite a conversation. Maybe she was thinking that you'd have to ask her about what happened to them. I wonder if she noticed that you retrieved them from her hiding spot and put them back in a different hiding spot.

At this point, everyone involved already knows something is going on. No need to keep up the charade.

[SleekHeels]

On the one hand there's the burden of keeping a secret (or pretending to keep a secret that's already been found out), on the other hand there's the burden of someone knowing and disapproving. There is no right or wrong, it just comes down to circumstances.

[Lvemadomina]

Lvemadomina,

 

I'm really impressed with the amount of caring and excellent advice you received here so far. You have a lot of concerned brothers and sisters, so do what you think is best for your future and show love and respect to your parents. Do let us know how it goes.

 

Good luck!

 

Steve

 

As am I, thank you Steve. This is just an awesome community that has helped me become more secure about myself. I did have a suggestion to just say something along the lines of "Do you know those heels you found the other week, they're mine...I know it's a little much but I like how they look." Something sort of brutally honest but gentle too.

 

For my progress, I haven't covered much ground so far...I've been working a little and enjoying being around the shoes a lot. I was also thinking about talking about that again, being at work because I do truely enjoy it and I was thinking about warming up to something like "Yeah they have a lot of nice styles there." Or something, I'm not sure, just general ideas I'm coming up with.

[HappyinHeels]

Lvemadomina,

 

You certainly have received a lot of avice from concerned members who care. I don't know if you are the age of 18 or not but this shouldn't really change the disposition of the shoes as long as these two things are true; that legally acquired the product and it is legal to possess under the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. That sounds formal but I don't think it's a good idea for parents to be seizing legal property.

I do think being honest is best but you have to educate them. Keep it simple and to the point. You like heels just your Mom likes her pants. THere was a time that only men wore pants but nobody criticizes women today for wearing pants. Use that specific example and see how she reacts and then let it be. Give her something to think about but don't press the subject to the point of argument. She's not going to come around right away and you are not going to start hating heels. It's a start which is what you are asking for. All the best.  HappyinHeels

[Guest]

I came out (of the shoe box) with my mother a few years before she died. Her reply was "well you alwas had high arches". 

 

I was very confused during my puberty years and was sort of found out, heels really was an interest but explored further, sister caught me early one morning and mum had found things. It's hard to explain why, put on the spot even harder.

If/when you sit down with yours and try to reason with her the whys, put together a "cheat sheet" of how you feel and your explanations, what you seek, even "is it a fad", what ifs? girlfriends etc etc.

Being confident on some of these factors and acknowledging some unknowns that will just have to wait until they happen.

 

Al

[Lvemadomina]

They were found again....And I'm too scared to talk about it...I feel like I'm cornered...

[Steve63130]

They were found again....And I'm too scared to talk about it...I feel like I'm cornered...

You are your own worst enemy, I'm afraid to say. If your parents love you, then a good conversation, no matter how awkward it sounds, will clear up a lot of misconceptions on both sides. Guys are extremely insecure about wearing feminine clothing and shoes, but the truth is that many women admire men who have the courage to go against the flow and wear what they want to. You won't ever "outgrow" the high heel gene, so you need to learn how to nurture it and enjoy it. Communicating with your parents is the first step in finding out how they feel, why, and how you can live within their home and make the best of your situation. If they don't approve of your heeling at all, then it's way past time to move out and live on your own, or plan do so as soon as you can. Good luck.

 

Steve

[AZShoeNut]

Yeah, I agree with Steve. There is no doubt now about who is taking the shoes and who us taking them back. You mom knows who's shoes they are so you might as well clear the air and find out where you actually stand in her eyes.

Best,

Larry

[HappyinHeels]

Lvemadomina,

Five days gone and no posts. Have you cleared the air or are you hiding and hoping it was just a figment of your imagination?  I told you before: your Mom isn't going to stop wearing pants and you are not going stop wearing heels. Tell her many things there are today adopted by women that were once a purely men's thing from tattoos and fedoras, pants and button-up dress shirts, to combat boots and camouflage wear. I don't men up in arms over it. Besides any of this is an even simpler truth. Unconditional love should not change if the content of one's character doesn't change. If it does then it was never unconditional. Period.  You are who you are  and the sooner you tell them the better. Here's hoping your moment comes soon. HappyinHeels