Coming Back Into Heeling

[AZShoeNut]

So, where to begin…?

Well, at the beginning of the year I got mixed up with the wrong shrink. The long story short version of what happened with her is that she had me starting to believe that my interest in heels was the product of a neurochemical addiction and she aggressively tried to get me into a five year long addiction treatment plan. Basically no more heels for the rest of my life. After some challenging soul searching I chose to no longer trust this therapist and move along with life. It did leave me pretty well hurt and my return to more openly experiencing heels with just my wife was slow in coming. I did not buy another pair of shoes until the beginning of June.

Fast forward to last week.

So in the time between the time that I realized that the therapist should take a flying leap and now my desire to wear heels grew quite a bit. But, man, all of the fears that everybody mentions were really holding me back. What if I run into this person, what if somebody says this or that, I am probably too fat, etc.

A week ago last Monday morning I was sitting outside of a Dutch Brother’s coffee and a gal got out of her car wearing a decent pair of heels and walked up to the order window. As I watched her walk up I had that feeling of great envy well up within me. My gosh how I wished that I could just get out of my car and walk up to the order window in a pair of heels. I have this experience of heel envy pretty often whenever out and about where ladies where heels. As I sat there waiting for my coffee I thought, “Man, I gotta figure out a way to make this happen.” I even thought that it would be cool if I could pull it off by the end of the year. Then I went to work.

My work is a pretty cool place. My hours are as needed so if I spend a morning spacing out or surfing the net it is pretty much cool with all of us here. Same goes for all of us so long as the job is getting done. So, I sat at my computer with all of the wishing to wear heels and all of the fears of actually doing it going through my mind. I was really ruminating something fierce. I then stumbled across www.tinybuddah.com which really touts the message that we should release the fear and do and be what we really want to do and who we really are.

So the short list of why I haven’t worn heels has been pretty simple. I don’t have what I think is a whole lot of style. I have a bit of a gut (I could lose 30 – 40 lbs). What if somebody sees me that make it hard on me or more specifically my wife. I really prefer to wear more feminine shoes that do not always blend in with my masculine style all that easily. I looked at these fears one by one.

I have heard it a bunch of times on the boards here that heels and a bigger belly just don’t go together very well. It is true. I look in the mirror and I get it. But if I wait until I actually get my belly down to go heeling then it is never going to happen.

My style is pretty simple. But then I remember the pics of, if I recall correctly, spikesmike at a farmer’s market that were recently posted and my style is not that far off of his. I wear nice jeans, a solid colored shirt, but I don’t have a nice hat to wear.

I like to wear more feminine shoes that may not go the best with my masculine attire. Well, my attire is not changing overnight and if I let this excuse slow me down then again I may never make it out in a pair of heels. Also, spikesmike’s attire, with the exception of his super tall pumps, was pretty darn masculine.

What if I run into somebody that I know who could hurt me or more specifically my wife. Well, that is a tough risk to examine when making a choice. Frankly, I care less and less if anybody knows about this passion of mine. I remembered that my wife did concede and seem to accept the idea of me going out a doing this on my own. So I considered this to be the highest risk of all of my fears but still manageable.

So I sat there at my computer a week ago yesterday thinking about the message from www.tinybuddha.com, my fears, and my thought from earlier in the morning that it would be cool to wear heels out and about by the end of the year. My workload was very low and I thought, “To heck with it I am not going to wait until the end of the year – I am not going to wait until the end of the day.” I told my coworker that I had a personal errand to run, put on some pants (I wear shorts to work and hairy legs and heels just don’t go together at all) and set out to do it.

There just happens to be a Torrid just down the street from where I work so I went there and bought a pair of blue pumps that I have wanted to get since they hit the shelf. I tried on both size 11 and 12. I wanted to make sure that if I wore them out in public that I had a size that fit right and I could walk well in. I then got into my car and drove to a Starbucks a couple miles down the road, took a deep breath, and stepped out of my car in my new blue suede pumps and walked right into the Starbucks.

Now I have worn heels out on a couple of occasions before but most of those occasions were far in between and had the excuse of Halloween or a charity walk to make it easier. That Monday was the first day that I experienced “heel envy” in the morning and then went out and did something about it before early afternoon.

So the next morning when I left for work I packed a pair of tall black wedges from Payless. After dropping my son off at his sitter I put on my heels and went to a new coffee house and did it again. Mondays and Tuesdays are the only real good days for me to get coffee before work. This week is my second week in a row going for coffee in my heels. Today I made it a point to sit down, relax, and read at least one full article in my Flying magazine before leaving. I have worn my blue suede pumps twice, my tall black wedges once, and a pair of wedge sandals once.

Soon I will run out of fingers upon which to count my public heeling adventures. That’s pretty cool. We’ll see what next week brings.

Thanks for reading. One thing I realized is that experiencing it is only part of the joy of heeling. The other part is sharing the experience either with others.

Best,

Larry

[Maninheels]

Woohoo! Good for you. I really like the sandal wedges. I think we all should be who we are, in two to three generations no one will remember our names let alone what we wore when we were on top of the dirt. Enjoy it while you can. :-)

[Shafted]

Don't even get me started on the pseudoscience of psychology. Oops, too late. This branch of "medicine" is based solely on theory and nothing more. It only exists for one reason and that is to sell the poison from the big drug companies. As a result they destroy people lives and families. Glad to see you got out of that. Where you are is a whole lot better than being some anti-depressant zombie. As far as style, so what if you have some gut on you. There are plenty of high heel styles which will work well on a larger guy. Stilettos aren't the only high heels out there and style is something that can be learned even if you have the less than perfect body. Many guys have an awesome pair of legs even when they are carrying more than the desirable amount of weight on top. That's the male body for you.

[ilikekicks]

Larry, I feel you are very correct when you spoke of the ' shrink '. A 5 year program just for high heel shoes being a choice of your footware? Seriously? Good for you in overcoming what you thought was something ' wrong '. -ILK

[meganiwish]

Woohoo! Good for you. I really like the sandal wedges. I think we all should be who we are, in two to three generations no one will remember our names let alone what we wore when we were on top of the dirt. Enjoy it while you can. :-)

Quite right! My big bro once said to me, 'Megan, in 100 years there'll be a whole new set of people on the earth.' Why worry?

[Foxyheels]

So glad you realised that shrink is an idiot. There really are some nice thicker high heels available for us not so slim blokes now. you are doing nothing wrong other than making yourself happy. Keep heeling and well done.

[Steve63130]

Larry, I think you've come to a defining moment in your life. You've tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together with the shrink, and they didn't fit together. Now you've done it successfully without the shrink and you've got the right answer. It's your life. Live it the way you want, as long as you don't hurt others. Wear what you want on your feet. And while you may prefer the femme stilettos, but see a disconnect in the way they look with your body shape, why not try to explore some other thicker or stacked heels, and also work on your flab problem, too? They aren't mutually exclusive - you can do both. Anyway, I'm glad you reached the right conclusion. Know that you have many friends and supporters here. You've been a great contributor to this forum in the past and we're here to do what we can to support you in what you want to wear. Good luck! Steve

[niknhose]

Larry, Good for you for getting off the couch. Sounds like she needs to spend some time there . As for size and heels, size be damned, wear what you like. If you think you can rock the 4 inch blades go for it. I myself stick to the cone and chunky heels becuase I like the style of shoes. I do have a pair of stiletos that I wear every so often. And to be honest I have seen big girls wearing stiletos that looked good. I like those blue pumps too. I am still wrestling with my color demons myself and I know at this point it's silly, but I stick with the basic black. -Nikki

[AZShoeNut]

Howdy,

Thank you all for the great replies and the warm support. It is much appreciated.

Woohoo! Good for you. I really like the sandal wedges. I think we all should be who we are, in two to three generations no one will remember our names let alone what we wore when we were on top of the dirt. Enjoy it while you can. :-)

Thank you! I really like them too. They were the first pair that I bought back in June. I almost wore them into a Starbucks that day but didn't quite do it. :-)

Don't even get me started on the pseudoscience of psychology. Oops, too late. This branch of "medicine" is based solely on theory and nothing more.

It only exists for one reason and that is to sell the poison from the big drug companies. As a result they destroy people lives and families.

Glad to see you got out of that. Where you are is a whole lot better than being some anti-depressant zombie.

As far as style, so what if you have some gut on you. There are plenty of high heel styles which will work well on a larger guy. Stilettos aren't the only high heels out there and style is something that can be learned even if you have the less than perfect body. Many guys have an awesome pair of legs even when they are carrying more than the desirable amount of weight on top. That's the male body for you.

Thanks Shafted. You know, I dig some therapists however this gal really pidgeon holed me into her practice. My wife and I had been seeing a therapist together and the goal of going to this new gal was to develop a way to help my wife get more comfortable with public heeling with me. Well that goal sure got damaged. Life is on a better track now, however. The refering therapist was shocked as to what the new therapist suggested.

Larry,

I feel you are very correct when you spoke of the ' shrink '. A 5 year program just for high heel shoes being a choice of your footware? Seriously?

Good for you in overcoming what you thought was something ' wrong '.

-ILK

Thanks ILK. I have to tell you that I have read a number of your posts and you along with many others really helped to build my confidence level up enough to do this. Thanks!

Quite right! My big bro once said to me, 'Megan, in 100 years there'll be a whole new set of people on the earth.' Why worry?

I love that! "In 100 years there'll be a whole new set of people on the earth. Why worry?" I think I'll be using that a lot. :-)

So glad you realised that shrink is an idiot. There really are some nice thicker high heels available for us not so slim blokes now. you are doing nothing wrong other than making yourself happy. Keep heeling and well done.

Thanks Foxyheels. I figure that over time I'll get my style honed in. However I am going to keep on heeling until I do get it down pat.

Larry,

I think you've come to a defining moment in your life. You've tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together with the shrink, and they didn't fit together. Now you've done it successfully without the shrink and you've got the right answer. It's your life. Live it the way you want, as long as you don't hurt others. Wear what you want on your feet. And while you may prefer the femme stilettos, but see a disconnect in the way they look with your body shape, why not try to explore some other thicker or stacked heels, and also work on your flab problem, too? They aren't mutually exclusive - you can do both. Anyway, I'm glad you reached the right conclusion. Know that you have many friends and supporters here. You've been a great contributor to this forum in the past and we're here to do what we can to support you in what you want to wear. Good luck!

Steve

Thanks Steve. I am a firm beleiver that the extra weight that we carry usually has to do with the issues that we have along with the pattern of moving fork from plate to mouth too many times. I tend to believe that now that I am addressing and starting to do the things that I really want to that some of the extra weight might just start coming off.

And thanks for all of the support. It really feels good.

Larry,

Good for you for getting off the couch. Sounds like she needs to spend some time there . As for size and heels, size be damned, wear what you like. If you think you can rock the 4 inch blades go for it. I myself stick to the cone and chunky heels becuase I like the style of shoes. I do have a pair of stiletos that I wear every so often. And to be honest I have seen big girls wearing stiletos that looked good.

I like those blue pumps too. I am still wrestling with my color demons myself and I know at this point it's silly, but I stick with the basic black.

-Nikki

Thanks Nikki. You know, I agree, there are a number of bigger girls out there who can totally rock a nice pair of heels. In fact Torrid, the store where I bought the blue stiletto blue pumps, specializes in plus size clothing. So, even if it takes a while to get my weight down to just where I would like it maybe heeling in the shoes that I like will not be the end of the world.

[Histiletto]

While applauding your heeling mindset and activitiies, the account of your mental and physical struggles certainly gives us a better view of the path towards reaching similar goals. With your wife's support and heeling beside you, there can be no greater joy from Heaven. Hopefully in the near future, male heeling will be all around us and we'll have the satisfaction of knowing we had a part in making it so common. I tend to believe the generation of our grand kids will be experiencing this type of atmosphere, if we diligently heel now. The United States is looked upon as being the freest society in the world, but we are still dealing with the old attitudes and stereotypes that refuse to believe men and women are people who can want the same things, even if it's from different perspectives. Like any individual we all can't really know what another person is thinking or experiencing. Society has taken this factor and uses it to create the gender gap. The line defining genders has been negated by both men and women, it is a wonder why this theory still haunts our decision process. AZShoeNut! May we all come closer to following your path to enjoy our own experiences of heeling and of course living.

[BCBG]

Good luck with your wife Larry! Mine was okay in private for a while, but that changed. She just couldn't handle it. I'm rooting for you! BCBG from phoenix

[hhboots]

That was a very nice telling of your return to heeling and it's awesome that you kicked that therapist to the curb, It sounded like she was going to take you down a bad path to be honest. Anyway, well done all around!

[mtnsofheels]

Great job in getting out Larry, you are a rock man. Just face the fear it self and go for it as you have been doing. Thanks for sharing your story, it is so vivid, the struggles which many of us can/have and will face with just being able to be or selves and wear what we want to. Your story is powerful and I can certainly understand what you went through......you did well and you will continue to do well. Those kinds of efforts and telling us about them will help many to just go and do it just be you. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to more of your notes on getting out in wearing your heels! Mtnsofheels

[shrimper]

Your "therapist" was developing an income stream for something that has no "cure". It's not even a sickness. Glad you woke up and got out of it.

[roniheels]

Your "therapist" was developing an income stream for something that has no "cure". It's not even a sickness. Glad you woke up and got out of it.

I like that, developing an income stream. Like Shafted, please don't get me started. From the psychological community, I have heard the over-whelming majority saying that "dressing differently" from the "norm" is not only innocent, but definitely healthy, as a form of freedom and self-expression. I'm glad you escaped the clutches of this "shrink" (as in shrunken ideals and opinions).

[SF]

I know of two therapists who actually encourage guys to wear heels if that's what they want to do and all are OK with it... I'm going with their advice... sf.

[Guest]

I just lost about a 150word reply be cause of this stupid back button Next to the "M". I'm not typing all that again. To summerize. We both have a lot in common. Wife and kids Therapist Don't care what others think but I still prefer more conservative than pumps Consider bootswestern boots witth heels I am overweight I don't wear heels to look sexy, I wear them be cause I love the heels/shoes. Check my thfread "what I am wearing today"

[ilikekicks]

Im glad I found this thread as I have a response thats sort of ' in kind ' to what Larry was experiencing. After my surgeries, They ( the medical professionals ) wanted to make sure I was ' ok ' in a mental sense. They had me do an ' interview ' with one of their headshrinkers. When I showed up wearing a pair of satin harem pants and my favorite booties, he ( head shrinker ) instantly went into the whole ' gender identity ' questions. " Do you want to be a woman?", " Do these clothes cause a certain arousal level? ".. Really? I just had 2 bouts with Chemo, 2 Surgeries.. and this woman was worried about what clothes I was wearing or what my views on gender are? How about ' how goes the healing? any discomfort/pains? ' This is a ' medical professional '? Seriously? I mean.. break the ice in a comforting way if you want to have a good conversation. So , I sorta decided to be nice and told her about the comfort levels of satin over my jeans and how skirts allow better ventilation and easier access when I had to deficate or urinate. Less friction in the whole ' wearing ' process.. " Well.. what about the high heels then? ".. I gave her a chance to catch on but she wasnt bright enough to understand what was conveyed or it just wasnt what she wanted to hear? So.. I became blatantly rude. ' They look a hell of a lot better with harem pants and skirts then my F-ing work boots! Wouldnt you agree? Do you spend to much time in research books and not know how to put something decent looking together to wear? Ever heard of fashion? '. I requested a new shrink to do this whole ' interview ' thing.. thats *IF* I even agree to do it at this point.

[Shafted]

It's a control thing I swear. They want to exert control of the situation then say you have some kind of mental problem when you don't permit them that control.

[Jimnj3]

Im glad I found this thread as I have a response thats sort of ' in kind ' to what Larry was experiencing.

After my surgeries, They ( the medical professionals ) wanted to make sure I was ' ok ' in a mental sense. They had me do an ' interview ' with one of their headshrinkers.

When I showed up wearing a pair of satin harem pants and my favorite booties, he ( head shrinker ) instantly went into the whole ' gender identity ' questions.

" Do you want to be a woman?", " Do these clothes cause a certain arousal level? "..

Really? I just had 2 bouts with Chemo, 2 Surgeries.. and this woman was worried about what clothes I was wearing or what my views on gender are? How about ' how goes the healing? any discomfort/pains? '

This is a ' medical professional '? Seriously? I mean.. break the ice in a comforting way if you want to have a good conversation.

So , I sorta decided to be nice and told her about the comfort levels of satin over my jeans and how skirts allow better ventilation and easier access when I had to deficate or urinate. Less friction in the whole ' wearing ' process.. " Well.. what about the high heels then? ".. I gave her a chance to catch on but she wasnt bright enough to understand what was conveyed or it just wasnt what she wanted to hear?

So.. I became blatantly rude. ' They look a hell of a lot better with harem pants and skirts then my F-ing work boots! Wouldnt you agree? Do you spend to much time in research books and not know how to put something decent looking together to wear? Ever heard of fashion? '.

I requested a new shrink to do this whole ' interview ' thing.. thats *IF* I even agree to do it at this point.

Good for you!!! What did she have to say after your question to her? Still wonder why the need for a shrink?

Jim

[AZShoeNut]

Howdy,

Life with a baby gets pretty full. The only time that I have to check out HHP is while waiting in lines and replying from a cell phone is a pain.

AZShoeNut! May we all come closer to following your path to enjoy our own experiences of heeling and of course living.

Thank you, Histiletto, I appreciate your sentiment. I don’t know that I would recommend my path as I am sure that there has to be an easier, less painful path to take. :-)

Good luck with your wife Larry! Mine was okay in private for a while, but that changed. She just couldn't handle it. I'm rooting for you!

Hey BCBG, thanks for rooting for me. I need it. This is still a trick with the wife. I know that ultimately she wishes that I would not do this publically and I can tell. She is basically cool in private but the public thing is a real stumbling point for her.

It's a control thing I swear. They want to exert control of the situation then say you have some kind of mental problem when you don't permit them that control.

You are on to something there, Shafted – especially when the therapist is coming from the addiction recovery framework. Any position other than obliterating the focus of their treatment is received with a glare over the top of the glasses and discussion about denial.

A little background on how I came to wind up with this therapist.

My wife and I have dialogued about my interest in heels, my desire to go out and about in heels, and how things might look when we have children. Her stance on me in public in heels is that with rare exception she does not dig it and she really does not want our children to see me in heels.

Well, at the end of last year we were selected to adopt a baby. I realized that wearing heels, which is a big part of my life, was going to get pushed right out the door and I think that we all know that you just cannot shut off the interest in wearing heels. I really urged that my wife consider just how we were going to make heeling work out. The discussion got really ugly and for the first time I really feared that my marriage might come to an abrupt end. We both went to work the next morning not talking. I sat in my car outside of one of my favorite coffee houses realizing that I was in no shape to work. I called out of work for the day and then my wife called me. We both wound up at home. She still was not interested in any public heeling however she agreed that we could both meet up with her therapist and see if we could map out a way for me to continue to experience heels after we adopt this baby that did not push her too far out of her comfort zone.

We met with her therapist, who already knew about my heeling well. This therapist has in the past supported my heeling. She agreed that my interest in heels was not just going to go away and thought that it was vital that we figure out a way to keep both of us happy. She does not, however, specialize in this and she referred us to a specialist who she thought could help.

Well, it turns out that this specialist did not specialize in guys who like to wear heels but instead specializes in addiction recovery. During the first few visits with the specialist, I started to agree with her viewpoint. She suggested that I was addicted to the dopamine that is released when I wear heels.

When my wife and I returned to her therapist she was shocked that the specialist planned to treat me for addiction. Within a few weeks I realized that addiction recovery was not the path that I needed to be on. Within a week or two I canceled my next appointments with the specialist and set out to figure out just where I was headed. That was probably in March.

The problem is that I think that this detour really messed things up with the Mrs. She was very close to being open to figuring out how I can heel publically without her negative reaction. This detour damaged the progress that we were making and I am not sure where things will go from here.

So, life has been interesting since I took that step out of my car at the Starbucks that day.

Within the next few days I thought, “Okay, I gotta keep this going.” That is when I started wearing heels to the coffee house before work a couple days a week. In total I have worn heels out to the coffee house like ten or twelve times since. I have not worn them in a couple weeks.

I found that the anxiety that I feel in the morning from the moment that I decide to wear them until I get to the coffee house and find that everything is just fine is just about too much to handle. My wife has made a couple comments like, “Oh you did that today,” with a distressed scowl that make me feel uptight. I found that I was starting to adopt a don’t ask, don’t tell policy and I don’t like living that way. Even with this, I still wore my heels two or three days a week for coffee.

Then I had another experience that really brought me down. I know that looking back on this, I shouldn’t have been so open, so stupid but I did this. The gal that owns the company that I work for has been very cool. She is spiritual and has seemed to be very open minded. She has known about my heeling and she knew about the time that I showed up on TV in heels during a charity event. I thought that it would be cool to share with her my current victory. At first she was excited and even gave me a celebratory hug. Then a couple weeks later I was in a real down space. The life changes that occur when you have children later in life can really be a challenge to deal with and can leave you down and burnt out. I was having an emotionally tough day and she inquired. We usually support each other pretty well during tough times. So I shared a bit about being burn out and that being a parent had been really challenging as of late due to my wife’s horrible work schedule. At one point in the conversation she was giving me a bit of a butt kicking like a coach might do but one thing just really blew me away. Our adoption was just coming final around the time that I started heeling publically. She chewed me out for going public with my heeling so close to the finalization of our adoption. She said that it was almost like I was trying to throw the adoption and that there are people out there that would use my public heeling against me and that our adoption could have been shut down because of it. Well, I seriously doubt that the adoption could have been shut down because of it but what hurt the most is that deep down inside, no matter how supportive she appears to be, she thinks that a guy in heels is outright wrong – so wrong that nobody in their right mind would let a guy who wears heels adopt a child.

That has been sitting ugly on my mind ever since. I have only worn heels to coffee once since the comment. Now every time I consider wearing heels to coffee my mind runs through the people I could run into that might know my wife, the work related people that I could run into, what my wife might say when she sees me wearing pants to work instead of shorts, and what my employer might say when she sees me wearing pants instead of shorts. They both pretty much know that if I wore pants that I was out heeling that morning. Back at the end of September I had the confidence of Superman but now not so much.

I have made one thing solid, if I really feel like wearing heels then I will wear heels. But lately, given the above, I just really haven’t felt like it.

Again, I will see where life goes from here.

Best,

AZShoeNut

[Shafted]

That's a really tough situation to be in. Wish you the best of luck.

[Steve63130]

Larry, You never indicated what kind of heels you wear. If you wear stiletto pumps out in public, can you compromise and still be happy with shoes that are less feminine, such as loafer pumps with thicker heels or clogs, or boots perhaps? I'm looking for a way for you to wear women's heels but perhaps heels that are less feminine and less threatening to your wife and boss. Don't give up yet. Look for possible compromise solutions that are acceptable to everyone. Steve

[AZShoeNut]

Howdy, You know, Steve, I am all about stilettos and wedges, pumps and sandals with the occasional tall heeled boot. More masculine styles simply don’t interest me. Thanks for the input, however. I am just going to keep setting my intention and see where life leads. I have to say that just getting it out as I did in my post last night helped me to feel a bit better. I even wore a tall pair of pumps from Romantic Soles to coffee before work this morning. It was good. There has been some positive over the last few weeks too. At one point I was starting to wonder if anybody actually saw my heels or not. Then a couple weeks ago a gal in her early sixties approached me and asked how I could wear such high heels. She was friendly and interested but also kind of loud about it. The guy who runs the coffee house peered over the counter and asked what she was talking about and took note of my heels. He smiled and said that he had not noticed before. I have run into this gal a couple times. The last time that I wore heels before this morning she pointed out my shoes to the next gal in line ahead of me. She had zero reaction. Today when I came in to the coffee house I noticed that the guy who runs the joint intentionally looked at my shoes as I walked across the floor to the counter. When I got to the front of the line he asked, “So how many inches?” I confirmed that he was referring to my heel and he was. I said 4.5 – 5 inches. He then told me that he tried out a pair of 5-inch heels over the weekend in his home with his wife. He said that he is very physically fit and athletic but he could not see how I could wear the shoes. He made motions like he must have wobbled and nearly fell. He gave me a thumbs up and said something like, ”I gotta give it to you man, You are really good in those shoes. This (his support) is good.” So, today was pretty positive. This experience is a bit of a roller coaster. You know, I looked at me wearing heels publically as equivalent to climbing a 14 foot tall wall. Simply impossibly looking but not entirely possible. I also thought that once over the wall that it would be smooth sailing but what I found on the other side of the wall was another jungle or forest with yet more walls along the path. But slowly and surely I am making my way, one step at a time, down the path of wearing heels publically. Thanks for reading, AZShoeNut

[Shafted]

He gave me a thumbs up and said something like, ”I gotta give it to you man, You are really good in those shoes.

And that is how we earn acceptance, one person at a time, my friend.

[FreshinHeels]

That's a hard road you are facing and I feel for you. As you say one step at a time but that is how mountains are conquered. Is there not a way you van work out together with the mts and the therapist what you're mrs is scared for?

[Curt]

My shrink explained to me: its okay to wear heels and keep a feminine appearance. I decided to do that than to go through a lenghty process of changing my gender from male to female. I'm happy with the outcome, so are my parents! It took me 40 years to tell my parents why I dress like a girl. They had no idea that it was deep inside, and was a lot more than just fashion. They totally respected that I layed it out straight to them. They want me to be happy. After all its my life, and there is no point in being depressed forever. If it wasn't for tge people here, I probably wouldn't have come out. Best thing that could have happened to me! Cheers!

[SleekHeels]

That sounds like some positive reactions at the coffee shop. It's not wearing heels that the problem, it's letting it eat you up. Before I started wearing my heels in public the anxiety was kind of taking over my life, but after a few times out wearing various heels I feel much more in control and in perspective about things. Maybe you'll find that too as you go along. Good luck to you.

[Gudulitooo]

AZShoeNut, Different people, different way of taking things. The only way I can think of to help you is to express what *I* think of the point of view of the people in your story (order as it comes). 1) 1st therapist (your wife's) : I think therapist are VERY influenced by freud. They just CAN'T separate what they see from sexual things. It is incredible that she has the reflex to send you see a therapist specialized in addiction. I saw several TV programs dealing with people having clothes and shoes purchasing addictions and these people were VERY interested in getting rid of the addiction for financial reasons... So why not... if you expressed a problem with the addiction. But I understood you only wanted clues on how to ACCEPT, not to get rid of this urge to wear heels. 2) addiction therapist : I am just wondering why she didn't want to treat you for a purchasing addiction. Treating you for a dopamine addiction is beyond my reach, and to me is only an hypothesis that has to be confirmed before starting any therapy. You can't just go through the therapy and then see if it worked or not. I am speaking as a process engineer that had a number of problems to deal with : you NEVER try a fixing procedure in order to confirm an hypothesis. The hypothesis has to be confirmed BEFORE going through the fixing procedure... I know it is different for human beings. Yet it sounds completely weird to me. 3) Your boss (or only company owner ?) : I believe most people are well intended, and we have a french saying that says something like "Hell is paved with good intentions". That means she probably care a lot for you and her comment was only in order to support (securize) your child adoption process. I am sure she is NOT thinking any wrong with men wearing what they want, but she pragmatic that the child adoption inspectors may not be as open minded as her and only wanted to warn you about that. I understand you want to be accepted by the whole world. To me your best bet is that most of the people simply ignore you, a few will support you if your actions are not going to upset their lives, and the remaining rednecks you have to avoid them. I remember when Scrappycoco was having problems to be accepted by his wife, I suggested that she loved him for who he is but maybe only feared the close minded people in town may persecute his familly (major - school - etc.). 4) now a personal side note. I had a baby 3 years ago. I put my urge for wearing heels in a small "box" in my mind, that I only reopened last year. It worked marvelously. I can't even understand how you were able to write all this with the little time left. Best wishes

[Bassheels]

Good to hear you've sacked this 'therapist'. As others have noted, they are snake oil salesmen, nothing more. It's great when you cross that threshold. It'll do you more good than 5 years of her therapy. At the end of that you'll still be unhappy & she'll have a Porsche.