Jokes, funny stories or one liners

[thedesigner]

some years ago there was an ad on the telly, "Typhoo put the T in Britain" , typhoo being a brand of tea. in the gents shortly after there was this, the funniest graffiti ever to my simple mind: "If typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the c*nt in Scunthorpe?" (Scunthorpe is a scuzzy town oop north)

[thedesigner]

Now all the city traders have been laid off cos they f*kd up, it seems many of them have turned to landscape gardening for a living. True this is... Theyre digging in with their forks and hoping for a quick turnover... Some ov them are so broke, they cant afford to buy new plants... ... so theyve opened a hedge fund..... Others, right, bright sparks, have become electricians... They used to be currency dealers.... Others again, used to buy short and sell long. Now theyre trading on ebay. Buying speedos and letting the hems down.... The smartest ones however, have got into wood replacement. Safe as houses. After all, they have a client list of people whose investments have fallen thru the floor.....

[Guy N. Heels]

Yuk, yuk, yuk. Don't give up day job.

[gary0618]

Beer Snobs

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Bubba136]

That one isn't hard to believe. Once a man that was drinking a Swedish made beer said to another man sitting next to him, that was drinking an American brew, said that he had heard the beer that the company that brewed the American beer was changing the name of the beer from Budweiser to Making Love in a Canoe. The Bud drinker responded "what in the world would they ever do that fore?" Responding, the other guy said that American beer is "fu**-ng near water." (Why is it that no one ever mentions the speed of dark?)

[thedesigner]

thanks folks for your qualified support Guy.N Heels, without you, there's be no hecklers and life would be boring.... mate of mine, great heels fan but a great train fan.... It was his birthday last week. Bought him a platform ticket... Went to the ticket office, asked for a return ticket. Clerk, thick as shit, said, "where to?" "Well, back here, you tw*t," i replied. Obvoius, innit... Personaly, i love mobile phones on the train.. they are so much fun !! I love pretending to dial someone, and when they "answer", i say, "Im on the train."....why?... "You know, going to Manchester /Birmngham etc., for the court case.".... what court case?.... "You know, the psychopathic killer case." Does wonders for the legroom.... Sorry must go, the train just crashed and the computer drivers gone... or is it the other way round....

[thedesigner]

Was on the way back on the train. Was on the phone as the train went into a tunnel. Of course, the line died, but i kept on talking. Guy opposite said, "what phone's that, mate, wkd reception in a tunnel !" I said, "Yeah, i know, it's brilliant, my mate's deaf anyway, he cant hear the noise of the tunnel..." Guy opposite got up and went..... dunno y....

[Pete]

Two guys were sitting in a bar having some after work martini's. After they have several, one guy starts sticking his tongue out and rubbing it with his finger. He says to the other guy, "have you ever noticed that after you have several martini's how your tongue burns"? The other guy reflects for awhile and then says "gee I never tried lighting it".

[Pete]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

[gary0618]

Ah, Progress!

German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass. They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[Pete]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Lyndon B. Johnson

[gary0618]

ALL PUNS INTENDED:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of a sphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[yozz]

He was so paranoid that when he went to see the superbowl and the players went in a huddle, he thought they were talking about him.

[Jen J]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender can't help but notice he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The pirate asks for a drink the bartender brings it to him and just has to ask, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate looks at him and replies, "Aaarrrg, it's driving me nuts....." ha ha ha ha. Sorry, Jen

[Bubba136]

ALL PUNS INTENDED:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of a sphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Oh Dam!'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby bragging to each other about their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[gary0618]

Bragging done wrong

An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."

[partyshoes]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

ARGHH - thats bad!

I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

Double ARRGGGHH .. even worse

I'll grant you The rest pulled a smile

[Dr. Shoe]

ALL PUNS INTENDED:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of a sphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

ALL PUNS INTENDED:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of a sphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Oh Dam!'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby bragging to each other about their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

They say that great minds think alike but idiots seldom differ.

[yozz]

Teacher: Sam, who was Mozes? Sam: Mozes was the son of an Egyptian princess. Teacher: Wrong Sam. She found him at the banks of the Nile. Sam: Yeah, that is what she said.

[gary0618]

[attach]10016[/attach]

[gary0618]

Honestly, Dr Shoe, I Said "Cross-Train, It's the secret to Success", Not Cross-Dress".

[gary0618]

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?

“My-feet-are-saurus!”

[gary0618]

For The Woman Who Is:

LIGHT ON HER FEET

[sendra45]

I caught my delicate parts in my zip today when doing up my jeans, the only thing I could find to sooth it was some margarine. I cant believe its not better! sorry. lost on you if you are not getting the same adverts as us in the UK.

[ClosetHeels]

These two guys walk into a bar........the third one ducked.

[gary0618]

English and Scottish TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup 2. Proper beer 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 5. Union jack underpants 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH 1. Yur nay English! 2. Yur nay English! 3. Yur nay English! 4. Yur nay English! 5. Yur nay English! 6. Yur nay English! 7. Yur nay English! 8. Yur nay English! 9. Yur nay English! 10. Yur nay English!

[Bubba136]

Really very funny, gary0618, except the Welsh part......

[partyshoes]

Alex Ferguson had a 70's party for the Man U first team at his house this weekend: Ryan Giggs arrived in a Ford Capri; Paul Scholes arrived in a 2L Ford Cortina Rooney .. he arrived in £1200 Escort!

[Bubba136]

Alex Ferguson had a 70's party for the Man U first team at his house this weekend:

Ryan Giggs arrived in a Ford Capri;

Paul Scholes arrived in a 2L Ford Cortina

Rooney .. he arrived in £1200 Escort!

Must be a local joke.

[yozz]

All you have to know is that the Ford Escort is a rather popular car on this side of the ocean. And Rooney is a famous football player who apparently likes women. Y.