Need help to understand a mindset

[melbguy]

Hi All, I am a guy who loves women in high heels, i love the way they seem to give confidence to the wearer and seems to make them look in control. It's like the woman knows what she is about and what she wants and I admit women in heels look great. My wife who is 5'3" rarely wears high heels and generally only for a special occasion such as a wedding these heels would be lucky to be 3". Over the years I have complimented her on her apperance when she wears them, talked about how good she would look in higher heels, how much I think she is sexy and even more so in heels. I have even discussed how much I like them. I have left catalogues around, offered to buy her whatever she likes yet she still rarely wears them. Her last shoes the kids said look like thier nana's shoes! couldn't get further away from high heels if you tried. I am trying to get an understanding of why she wont wear them and she says they hurt after a while. Is this just due to lack of practice, poor quality shoes, poor fitting shoes? I have offered to wear a pair for a day around the house to know what she is going through (hence my avatar as these I bought to do it, thought I would go the whole hog) but she refuses to even try. Am I pushing this too hard? Should I leave it alone? I think that my wife would enjoy heels and gain more confidence the more she wears them but I don't want her to do it for my sake. Anyone with thoughts or suggestions? all view points greatly appreciated.

[dahool]

Well, you're married for quite a long time and I think that even if you push it too hard (but you're not doing it now), you won't make any troubles in your family life:) I think you should tell your wife that these nana's shoes are disgusting and she needs to change her appearance because she is young and attractive. I would even say that there are so many other wives that look much more attractive than her because they do take care about their appearance and I'm simply jealous:)

[Dr. Shoe]

Actually, comparing your wife to other women is rarely a good idea. How do you like it when she compares you to other men? I'm thinking that she won't wear heels because she lacks the confidence to do so- wearing heels doesn't give you confidence, you need to have it to start with. You are doing all the right things at the moment. Why not take her to a swanky shoe shop and have her try on heels. Once she sees how comfy heels can be then she might change.

[Heelster]

Don't feel bad, and you may not want to push it. My wife hasn't worn a heel over 1/2" for years. She has one hec of a bunion (sp) on one foot, and she say's pain occures on both feet if she wears anything beyond a flat. Might be because she always went for the cheapest shoe available, and most of her working life has been on her feet. There may be some other physical issues happening too, but we are not sure. I know there is no way I'm ever gonna get her in a heel ever again, but she's getting a kick out of me in them. Keep in mind this has only been recently for me, and because she made a crack about me wearing them if I liked them so much. You have to feel her out as to what is keeping her from wearing heels, and get a better understanding of the reasons. Listen - don't push.

[Bubba136]

There are quite a few members of our forum that are experiencing the same problem. My wife used to wear 4" heel regularly for the first few years after we were married. But, as the children came along and her parenting duties grew, she felt far more comfortable wearing lower heels. I am really not bothered by this because she is very fashion conscience. Her shoes, although usually 2½" heels, are very feminine and match perfectly with her outfit. She always looks like a "fashion plate." So, she always looks great and my desire for high heels is satisfied with my being able to wear them. :-)

[pussyinboots]

There are some very simple reasons why she won't wear heels. a) She doesn't feel confident enough As a Mum she doesn't feel comfortable enough c) She doesn't like them. d) You are pushing her too hard and she resents it.

The trick about heels....is that you are either a 'heels girl' or you're not. If your wife has hardly ever worn heels....and she hardly wore them when you were courting - why are you pressuring her now??

She may get to wearing them....but on her terms, not yours.

[melbguy]

Thanks for all the input so far. Bubba 136, you may be on to something, I find my wife highly attractive but she wears shoes that are not good looking shoes. Maybe we need to see better looking lower heels that she would find cool to wear. Pussyinboots, although i try to think i am not pressuring her, I guess I am. I am really interested in your thoughts on why a woman is a heels girl or not. It seems that you are saying that if she is not, she never will be and I can't help her in finding the confidence in wearing heel. Is this right?

[JohnH]

I'm the one of the couple who has medium and high heels and as an aside, regularly wears skirts and dresses. The highest heel my wife has is a pair one inch heel slingback shoes that she wore at our wedding. I have a pair of 4 inch stiletto sandals and a number of shoes with 2.5 to 2.75 inch heels. My wife is strictly a pants and flat shoes person. I mention that we get her some dresses, and her reply is, "Hell, no!" She has a hard enough time with flat shoes without adding the complications of heels. So, Melbguy, count your blessings. At least your wife wears 3 inch heels on special occasions. Like my wife, your wife may simply find high heels extremely uncomfortable to wear.

[pussyinboots]

Pussyinboots, although i try to think i am not pressuring her, I guess I am. I am really interested in your thoughts on why a woman is a heels girl or not. It seems that you are saying that if she is not, she never will be and I can't help her in finding the confidence in wearing heel. Is this right?

Sadly...I'm afraid that's right. The thing about shoes for a woman is that they are a big statement about her...her tastes and her personality. If your wife has chosen to wear flats and very low heels as regular footwear - reserving high heels for 'Sundays and Fundays' - then she is NOT a 'heels girl' and is probably uncomfortable with high heels, both physically and mentally. High heels demand a whole different style of wardrobe as well - one which is probably just not 'her'.

If she was the type who choses stiletto heels just to go to the newsagents...and wouldn't be seen dead without them on...then she would be a 'heels girl'.

I would say that your wife is not a heels girl - BUT - you didn't marry her for her high heels did you? Just enjoy them as treats when she does wear them.

[swollen]

Can't you just tell her that you'd like her to wear HH's for you, whenever possible? Even if only in bed? If you can't have that conversation openly, as adults in the 21st century, then in my opinion, you don't have a genuine relationship. You're not asking her to wear a Gorilla costume, or a gas mask, or to do something illegal... If she enjoys sharing your sensuality then surely she shouldn't have an issue with such a simple request. If it get's to the point where You're hinting by leaving magazines and brochures around, then you're in trouble. Let's (to use an apt term) put the boot on the other foot. If I were in a long-term relationship with a woman who wanted me to wear college shoes or brogues or a certain kind of shirt or a certain colour tie because it really turned her on, I would. Where's the issue??? I'd consider myself an asshole for NOT wanting to please her. Imagine your partner saying; 'Oh it just makes me melt when you do X, or Y... Wouldn't you do it? So many men are ashamed of their perfectly ordinary desires and needs because some women make them feel uncomfortable about sharing! This is your wife and your life we're talking about. Be open and upfront about your desires, and if she won't engage with the subject like an adult, leave. It's just another example of the perils of not being properly matched but sadly being married.

[BoyLegs]

In the '80s, Mimi Pond wrote a book called Shoes Don't Lie. It's the truth. Women use shoes as a means of announcing their self-image to the world.

Let's take a bridesmaid. The bride may have picked out the color and even the style of her dress for her, but the bridesmaid can choose between flats and high heels or in between. She can expose her toes or not. What she wants to wear will depend on how she views herself.

As another example, there are shoes out there with the same heel height, but some are very classic while others are very in-the-moment. Some are very feminine while others are downright nasty. Women with different personalities wanting to say different things about themselves go for different looks.

The point is that, from your description, you are going to have a long uphill climb to change what your wife wants to wear. You will consume a lot of relationship capital, and still may not be able to bring off the change you want. Is it really worth it?

Only you know the answer.

[JohnH]

I second BoyLegs. Just appreciate your wife for who she is as I do mine, and don't try to get her to do things that she does not want to do. It really is not worth straining the relation by insisting that your wife wears heels.

[Histiletto]

This is one of the synopsis that is most likely in play here. Hope this helps! It is a given fact that men and women use the allure of their personality and sexual qualities to win the devoted companionship of their intended mate. This process usually employs many ways of seduction and alluring attire is part of these tools they have in order heighten the affect. Could it be that women are jealous and hurt by what they perceive as being put in the secondary position to inanimate objects of appeal for the primary love and affection from their mate. They most likely have experienced the same allure for heels and other items of sexual desire that men have and women are free to select their wardrobe items. In having this freedom, they are able to satisfy their desires of adornment as it comes. They don't have to cloak their attiring needs, and hold them in for the fear of being ridiculed. Men, on the other hand, don't have the option to satisfy the same allures openly without public demeaning. Therefore, men tend to develop increased drives to have the focuses of their desires, even in secret. This factor has probably been the single most reason, people develop their abilities to deceive when they feel like they are being forced to be someone elses ideal person. In this present setting, men and women are taught when they want anything more than their spouse to satisfy their desires, is against social laws, but in reality it's part of the total package. Men and women don't quite know where they stand in their mate's mind when their mate displays the desire to use some of the same allurances their significant other found desireous to lure them. For some to wear heels or other items to satisfy desires, it's like being replaced by things or facades. It is hard to return feelings of love and affection to someone who seems to desire the appearance and/or the items being worn more than the person who is the allurer. The question is: Can people accept this scenario as a part of the human condition or will they give into society's indoctrination of the present stereotypes and deny the individual personalities?

[The Shark]

My GF will wear heels, but not as often as I'd like her to. She's the type of girl who needs a reason to wear them, such as getting dressed up to go out for a romantic evening. Otherwise, she usually sticks to more casual clothing & shoes.

If she wears any kind of heeled shoe, the heels are usually in the 2-1/2 to 3" neighborhood and are either chunkier heels or wedges. It's very uncommon for her to wear anything like a 4" or higher stiletto heel pump - as I said it's usually because it's a rare night that she's all dressed up to go out, or it's because I've begged & pleaded with her to wear them.

The other part of the equation is that she's a nurse - so her daily work clothing consists of the equivalent of pajamas & sneakers (the utmost in comfort). When she tries on high heels, she usually finds a way to hate every pair she tries on & says that they all hurt. Is it really possible that EVERY pair of heels causes that much pain within a few minutes? I said to her once "So you're telling me that EVERY woman out there is walking around in complete pain?" - to which she didn't answer. My theory is that due to her daily work attire, she's just not used to wearing heels - so anything that doesn't feel like sneakers on her feet is uncomfortable.

I always tell her how I love seeing her in heels, and when I'm with her at the shoe stores, I'll point out which shoes that I do & don't like. But it's almost like she then remembers which ones I like and avoids them. Hopefully this winter she'll start wearing some good boots with her jeans. She also bought a nice pair of 3" heel clogs that I picked out, so I'm looking forward to seeing her in those as well.

As I said, she will wear some heels - it's just that I would love to see her wear the sexier stuff more often!

[HappyinHeels]

melbguy, I read your story and the following comments and will reprise something I've hammered home before; that the world works best when humans learn to accept and appreciate each other ***AS IS***. As pussyinboots so aptly stated you did not fall in love with your wife because she wore high heels. Why would your relationship now suddenly be diminished if she doesn't wear high heels?? I think her job and attire do probably acclimate her to see the world from a dressed down perspective so the wearing of heels just doesn't seem relevant. Besides that there is the forgotten dynamic of differences in people's arches and overall sense of balance. And, yes, many women wear stylish shoes and do so with painful feet because they want to look good. Then again I was born a guy and have a great sense of balance and can easily wear 6" and higher heels with no problem! Each case is differnt. HappyinHeels

[JohnH]

My wife has a much harder time going up and down stairs barefoot or in flats than I do when I wear 4 inch stiletto sandals. So it would be grossly unfair for me to insist that she wear high heels. And, HappyInHeels, I agree that a lot of men have an easier time wearing heels than women. It is really ironic that men's shoes at the current time have such low heels - although our good friend King Louis 14th of France wore 5 inch heels.

[roniheels]

My ex- wore high heels to work, weddings, or other special outings. I always complimented her when she wore them. She didn't like wearing them all that much and she eventually quit wearing them. My point is that if your spouse does not want to wear high heels, she isn't going to wear high heels. My sister-in-law doesn't even own a pair of high heels.

[melbguy]

Wow those are a few views! Thanks to everyone who has put some thoughts down. I have spoken with my wife about this and we are both comfortable with decisions we have made over the last couple of weeks. Ultimately if this is the biggest issue we face I think we are doing ok! Somewhere along the line people started assuming this was straining/ruining our relationship which is not the case. My questions were more about getting others views on why some women like wearing heels and others don't to help our relationship further. So thanks everyone my wife and I appreciate your thoughts.

[ClosetHeels]

When my wife and I first started dating back in the 80's, she worked in a professional office, which required a certain dress code. For women it was a blouse and skirt, or a dress, or a business suit. Hosiery was expected, no bare legs. And every woman usually wore high heels. When I would go to her office to pick her up for lunch, I would be in heaven at the amount of high heels I would see. One of my wife's co-workers regularly wore 6 inch stilettoes. Late in the 90's the office adopted a business-casual format, which allowed the ladies to wear flats or sandals, and hosiery was optional. My wife went from wearing 3 and 4 inch heels to flats and 1 inch heels. I helped her pick many of the shoes she wore, because she liked my tastes. Since we have been up here in Iowa, the dress code is strictly casual, so she now wears tennis shoes and flat sandals to work. Another factor in my wife's choice of footwear is the fact that she is diabetic, and has suffered from several foot problems, including severe bunions, which required surgery to straighten out her toes. She has several steel screws in her feet to help keep everything aligned. Wearing heels for any length of time really causes her a lot of pain, so I have accepted the fact that she will rarely, if ever, wear a heel over 1 inch again.

[chris100575]

Melbguy: Have you ever tried wearing heels yourself? I don't mean a quick totter around the house, but actually going for a night out in a pair of four inchers? This would give you a very good insight into why some women just don't wear them.

[benno]

Can't really understand your issues. She doesn't want to wear heels everyday, she finds them uncomfortable and doesn't have a shoe fetish. End of story. Some people don't wear some kinds of clothes due to personal taste, the connotations of how you get treated when wearing certain clothes and also comfort. High heels are not comfortable. I like them and wear them but sometimes I'm amazed that they were ever invented. They are ridiculous items of clothing. Also I think lots of people wear certain clothes for certain occasions. I get told how great I look in a proper suit and tie but I only wear them for weddings and funerals and have to borrow them from friends. I am quite bored with the current 'lets all wear 5 inch heels all day everyday' fashion. It's possibly 'too much of a good thing'. Explain that you get turned on seeing her in heels and go from there. Or get a divorce and find someone that wears heels...

[hoverfly]

I stopped asking my GF to wear heels, she likes buying heels wearing them.... has to be some kind of "special reasoned" so I just wear mine and be happy. Besides I enjoy the pay checks she brings home as an RN. PS: Just looking over my shoulder she says it's more of a self conscience. I told her she has good tastes and nothing she has says hooker and for a plus size figure she look good in them....and she is the envy of many wanna be heel wearers. ahhh I'm going just to let be I got my own heels and I will just watch others walk by in the mall. Make life simpler, keeps you happy.