Telling the girlfriend...

[strappy]

Just after some advice..... What do people think is the best way to tell someone your secret about high heels? especially those who have actually done it.. ??? I'd love to tell her my secret, but I don't know what is the best way or would it be best to do so ?.. And I'm very scared on how she will react...... thanks in advance....

[Danielinheels]

Just tell her that you like heels as well. Be sure to stress that it's important to you for her to know about it, and that you're the same guy she has come to know and love and appreciate. Honestly answer any questions she will have. She might need a bit of time to process it all. Do not apply any undue pressure on her. She may find it cool or she may find it to be a deal-breaker. If you approach it honestly and cleanly, you'll better your chances for the former.

[chris100575]

You probably don't want to hear this but: right at the beginning before it gets too serious. My ex-wife didn't take it at all well, and the best she could come up with was a "don't ask, don't tell" policy which allowed me to sneak around in heels while she was out of the house. It wasn't ideal and it led to me resenting her coming home from work early because it meant the end of my heel time rather than being pleased to see her. The thing was when we first started seeing each other she knew I liked to wear her shoes, but she seemed to kind of forget about it until we'd been living together for a while when she decided that she hated it. It wasn't the reason we split up, but it did contribute to a lot of bad feeling. I met my fiancée via a dating site and I told her about my heels the first day we met in real life. We'd had a brief chat about the New Rock boots I happened to be wearing at the time, and I told her that I was a big fan of them and that they weren't my only pair. I then told her that I had some of the high-heeled ones as well. She just said "OK." so I went on to say that it wasn't a fetish thing, that I didn't cross dress, and that I just liked the boots and didn't see why I shouldn't wear them. She didn't freak out or anything, and I told her that I'd been for several nights out wearing heels and that nobody seemed to care. The first time she came round to mine she saw the boxes in my bedroom and wanted to see the boots, then me wearing them. She then asked if I had any other heels and I admitted to a few pairs of stiletto boots that I only wore around the house, and she wanted to see me in those too. I ended up wearing a pair of black suede stiletto knee boots for the rest of the evening at her suggestion, and since then any time I've wanted to wear them I have. When I asked her how she felt about it she said that she didn't care, they were just shoes and didn't change who I am. Sorry for the long post, but I thought I'd give you both sides.

[Guest]

well chris, it really does sound (to me anyways) that your "EX" was real loser, for not being very understanding about this. It is funny how you never really know about a person untill you "get to know about them" if you understand me. but its great that your new girlfriend does!

[Majo]

Strappy,

I told my wife when we decided to get married. I agree with Chris; the erlier: the better. I've been married for 21 years now so, its been almost 22 years she knows of my interest in heels, and of my collection.

The point is not heels, I believe. The point is trust. So, if she is to trust you, so you have to trust her.

I told her boldly and plainly that day:

"Dear, I have to tell you I like heels; and that includes wearing them."

She said Ok at first and, as I didn't have any at the moment as a had made a purge after meeting her, I Bought my first three pairs after our honeymoon. At first she didn't care too much about the "using" issue until kids came along. Then she said I should use them out of their site, which I did.

Hope you can face this because trust is the main issue in a relationship.

[sendra45]

I am not a good example as I got caught so to speak when a receipt that I thought I had disposed of got found. On balance, it the best thing that could of happened and I don't regret it at all. It was tough at the time though. I can look at whatever I want now on the www and spend as much time as I like here along with other 'fringe' benefits . I would recommend it.

[dblair]

Strappy, I just took the big step of telling my long-time girlfriend a little over a week ago. It was so hard to get up the nerve to tell her, but when I finally came out with it and realized that it was no big deal, all I could think of was "why did I wait so long?" Now, I wear my heels in the house almost all the time...and I feel great. I don't think there is any "best way" to tell her, just get it out there. She may be shocked though, so make sure she has time to think about it and get used to it. I would also tell her it's OK to laugh if she wants, as that can relieve some tension...and after all, she should be able to have some fun with it too.

[jdmonto]

Since i asked my GF to move in with me i tought it was a good idea to let her know. Se already knew i liked heels a lon (on her) so i told her that not only i liked them on girls but that, once we were living togheter, i would like to have some to myself and wear the around the house. She thought it was very strange (her exact words) but then she was ok with the idea and we moved on to toher topics. I think that, once the topic has been exposed, its really not such a big deal, it really has more to do with how good your relatioship is that with the heels itself, of course there are cases like chris100575, but i think that a girl that wont allow you to be yourself is really not worth it.

[cas]

I told it my gf a half year ago, i agree that it is better to tell in a earlier stage of the relationship. It took me 2,5 year to tell her about my secret. I told her the hole thing that i like boots with a heel and that i cross-dress. I am a lucky guy that she accept it, the most important is let her slowly get used to it don't push it.

[strappy]

I think I'm going to have to do this in 2 stages tell her about me liking heels (easy bit that she probably already knows) then tell her later about liking to wear them I did come close to telling her a while back.. I was basically joking on about me wearing her clothes etc and her reply was "God no, thats just wrong....." When I said about me wearing her heels (have worn her heels in bed whilst playing around ) her reply was "she didn't mind 'cos she couldn't see them....." How would people interpret this ? as I just about had the confidence to tell her my secret at the time .... I probably wouldn't wear them even if she was around the house as I don't think i would be comfortable doing it. (possible stereotyping in my own head.... I don't know as yet) I've had this secret for about 22yrs now.. It's nice and easy to discuss it on here and I am grateful for being able to do so.. The easy part of being on here is that almost everyone is or has been in the same situation but the main factor is that no-one knows who I really am... Thankyou to everyone for the replies so far ! greatly appreciated !

[Majo]

Strappy, It's easy to speak from the desk in front of the keyboard... and regarding the chances are on you; not on me. I wouldn't waste time. Just tell her. If she uses heels already, and you tell her you like heels, she will use heels more often. But that's not what you are looking for, I suppose. If she is a shoe freak surely she will understand. If she is not, you have nothing to loose because you are who you are. As dblair says, you will think "why didn't I tell her before". Women are much more simple with this type of issues than us, males. Just take a deep breath and spit it out, buddy. It will make things much easier, you'll see.

[Steve63130]

Strappy, Majo's advice is exactly right. Just bring it up and discuss it. Tell her what you want and why. If she loves you, she'll try to please you and accommodate your needs and wants. She will be flattered that you trust her enough to confide in her. If she hates the idea of you in heels, ask her to reconsider. Show her this forum and how many other guys are out there with the same interest in heels. You're not alone. If she says no way will you wear heels, then you have a woman who is more interested in her own self than in a loving relationship where give and take and compromise are the norms. At least by discussing it, you put your cards on the table and you can learn her position. Maybe it will be good. Maybe it won't but you can change it over time. Maybe it's hopeless. At least you'll know. Steve

[Duck]

She will probably be a surprised at first but just stay calm and answer what she asks, remember you're still the same person. Or it could be like my current girlfriend who had kinda heard rumours before and so it really didn't change anything at all just clearing things up a bit.

[strappy]

god it's nerve racking !!!! If I can overcome the nerves I'll be ok ! She is a bit of a shoe freak but doesn't wear heels that often... she only really started buying/wearing heels when she met me... It would be nice for her to wear them more often though ! Thanks for all the advice/support ! Steve

[wood&metal]

Been there-done that, twice... Sometimes it goes ok-good, sometimes it crashes and burns.. All I can offer is, tell her early into it, cross your fingers and hope for the best.. That's really all you can do.. Best of luck...

[benno]

1. You have to look at it from her view. How would you react if she told you she liked to wear baggy jeans and trainers and a fake moustache? Are you prepared to do something equally accepting for her? 2. The reality of a man in heels is wildly different from the thought of a man in heels. Especially if you truly love and respect the man in question. 3. Tell her in a calm way. Explanations such as 'so should only women be allowed to watch beautiful sunsets?' will help but don't force anything upon her. 4. I've heard that you only have to do/see things 10 times before the shock wears off and it seems ordinary. 5. How do you dress in general? If you are a 'normal' man and don't really care about fashion then there may be a problem. If you assimilate heels into an already interesting wardrobe then things are fairly simple. If like many men on this forum you are only into heels then you will look like a man with a heel fetish. Things about the shoes 1st and last when assembling an outfit. 6. Good luck. Tell us how it goes. Cheers, Ben

[chris100575]

1. You have to look at it from her view. How would you react if she told you she liked to wear baggy jeans and trainers and a fake moustache? Are you prepared to do something equally accepting for her?

Up to a point. He's only wanting to wear the heels, not heels, a dress and a wig.

I think the problem my ex had was that she was more conservative than she liked to think and for her the thought of me in heels was completely at odds with her seeing me as masculine. Although I must stress that we had a lot of other problems, and probably would have split up even if the heels hadn't been a factor. This is why it's best to tell your prospective partner as early as possible; she may decide that she can't handle it at all and then you'll be in a position of having to choose between her and the heels. At least if she feels the need to bail early on it's before you both have too much invested.

It might be encouraging if she's let you wear her heels in bed, at least the idea that you like to wear them is in there and she's not completely freaked yet. Let us know how you get on.

[Arctic]

Plan for scenarios and make sure you know for yourself what exactly it is that you want. Do you think you can get both her and the heels? If the answer is "probably not", what do you want more? Her or the heels? Which one will you choose if you have to, etc. Go in prepared and you'll be better off.

[brake blocks]

Hi folks, My girl friend found out about my heel wearing within the first 3 months, we were at my mothers house haveing a meal & talking about me, when out of the blue my mother opened her mouth & said about my habbit with female footwear, i just laughed it off . My girlfriend never said a word about this until the next time i went to her house, she only lived around the corner from me at the time! One night when her parents were away she said she wanted to see me in her heels, so she brought some down for me to try on in front of her so i chose a pair of kitten heel sling backs and put them on they were a bit tight but they went on & she made me walk round in them! I kept them on for about 1 hour and she never said a word about them. To my surprise she had brought a dress for me to try, no way to that i said & she said you can keep the heels on if you like so they stayed on & so did the dress. She said i had a better figure than her because it looked better on me. The dress came off and she said i could keep the heels on . I did ask if i could go for a walk in her heels as it was dark & she said yes:smile:. We have been to gether for 21 years & married for 11 years. She has bought me a bra to wear in the bedroom & she has let me wear her panties as well, but wearing heels i will have to remind her a bout this? I have got 2 nights comeing uo soon when our son is away with school so i think it's time to reanact that night.

[Dante]

Not yet told here, but she kinda knows already. She knows that i own a pair of pretty high platform sandals from ellie in patent black and even asked me to walk in them, cause she was curious to see me. I put them on and just wen't my way ... she said somthing like "oh i would have bet, that you can walk in them fine" She just knows me too well. I really got some female genes, cause i like going shopping (alone, but specially with her). I do here make-up sometimes, when i'm in the mood or she begs me for. She even asked me to be at a make-up-workshop she'll attend in near future. I don't use much make-up myself, just to cover real bad-skin, which is not that often. Ahh ... but i'm getting OT, sorry guys. So i think i'll talk to here pretty soon, but i'd expect here to be relaxed and that she even likes it. So then, we'll see. Cheerz and Good Luck for you strappy and all the others. Dante.

[DProud2700]

I told my now wife, then girlfriend/wife to be about my wearing of heels within the first few conversations we had. When we finally met up she saw me in my boots and has not had any problems with it at all. Even one of my nieces who is herself a high heel fashionista is cool and understand why I wear heels. We when we catch up with each other give other a bad time about each others heels.

[mtnsofheels]

Agreed with telling them up front. I think it is much easier (thought it is still a tuff thing) to face the fear at the first opportunity and tell her versus having her find out after which lead to such a big mess because of the potential of thinking they are some other woman's shoes or a host of other problems. I have done the later in my younger years and now up front with all my feminine interests. Honesty works the best! Mtnsofheels

[Guest]

Been here before you will not be the last to ask for advise Told mine a year before we got married (thought it was far better than being a rapist or equivalent). gets a little ok quite a bit embarrassed if we are out. youngest stepdaughter thinks its cool (and half her friends) eldest stepdaughter and her BF know but not how much. My 4 kids know and are cool my wife's ex in-laws and 1/3 of the family (that know) openly encourage me my work team know (+twenty? others). You need to tell, test the water first, odd comments for example when buying shoes "I could get jealous, they are beautiful (or similar)" the reply will give the clue for the next step good luck Al

[roniheels]

Mine is too painful of a tale to tell. The bottom line is that I wasn't honest with my ex- and it cost me dearly. If I had it to do over, prior to marriage I would have told her. We might not have gotten married and had children (which I am happy did happen), or things could have gone in a more positive direction. I'll never know.

Like others have said in this post, be honest up front as early as possible.

[Bubba136]

Mine is too painful of a tale to tell. The bottom line is that I wasn't honest with my ex- and it cost me dearly. If I had it to do over, prior to marriage I would have told her. We might not have gotten married and had children (which I am happy did happen), or things could have gone in a more positive direction. I'll never know.

Like others have said in this post, be honest up front as early as possible.

The topic of when to tell our "girlfriends" about our proclivity to wear female attire and shoes has been discussed here, and in Jenny's high heel forum, for ever. Those that have chosen to contribute to this discussion have many different theories as to how and when to tell their girlfriends/better half's/significant others/wives, etc about their love of wearing things feminine.

To search back through the thread about "when to tell" stretches back for miles. And, if this question is bothering any of our members, they should go back to the starting point and read the comments posted, there. Without exception, everyone has their individual theory as to how to handle the situation. Everything from hide it and never tell to be up front about it in the very beginning.

If anyone has reservations about letting their prospective partners in on their secret, it's better to be "up front" with telling her before they become so involved that there is more than one individual being hurt. "Children," for instance.

While roniheels claims that his story is "too painful to tell," it cost him dearly because he chose not to tell.

Each and every member is convinced that their way to handle this situation is the "best" way for their circumstances. And, even though it might take a few years for his secret to work it's way to the surface, it eventually will and their situation will be changed, forever. Their mate's feelings toward them, their desires, attitudes, etc. will never be the same again. Trust me on this point. There are way to many examples in this thread that proves this to be correct.

If you're lucky, your mate's feelings will only be "bruised" because you didn't think enough of your commitment to let her know in the beginning -- to "can't cope with this. I'm outta here" and taking the children with me.

But, while roniheels hasn't told much of his story, I can guarantee that at this point he is convinced that had he told his x-wife before they were married, they might have saved each other a whole bunch of grief.

Everyone, without exception, should always remember that "ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES." and, the consequences are not always the ones that you have in mind.

[JohnH]

Sometimes the proclivity for a man to wear feminine attire develops after the relationship is formed. I am an example. My wife eschews long hair, high heels, skirts, and dresses. A man frequently vicariously has his wife dressed instead of himself in attire that appeals to him. My wife shuns the items mentioned above, and so I wear them instead of her wearing them. I make no effort at all to pass as a woman. If there was an event where one of us had to wear an evening gown, it sure would not be my wife. My previous wife did not eschew those items, so I did not wear them. My current wife does not like my wearing high heels, skirts, and dresses, but it is much better than for me to be unfaithful to her and have an affair. At least she doesn't mind my long hair.