Married for 19 years but how do i tell her

[stilletos]

hi im a new member whos been wearing heels in secret for about thirty years. Ive been married for 19 years ,what i would like to know is how do you guys get your other halfs to let you wear heels, thanks for your help.

[BobHH]

By approaching her with great trepidation and hoping for the best. In my case, she thought it was not important to our relationship and marriage and was supportive if I wanted to do it. It's a long story, but it worked out fine. I supported her in what she wanted to do, and vice versa - that's the way we were. Now, I let close girl friends know early, and they have all approved.

[JNR]

Should have told her 20 years ago.

[chris100575]

As BobHH says, carefully and hoping for the best. When I told my wife she wasn't too happy, but was OK with me wearing heels around the house as long as it wasn't in front of her. We've since split up for unrelated reasons, but when I meet another girl I'll be telling her early on. Good luck, Chris

[Chris stiletto]

Like JNR said you should have told her along time ago,Its going to be difficult but it always would have been.I think she might be just a little cross that you have kept a secret from her for 19 years. Dont keep it from her any longer, you know her best & how to soften the subject, be brave & get it over with, you never know she might not be all that fazed. My wife was fantastic & not too suprised when i told her, now i wear heels every night. Good luck i hope it works out fine.

[docs41]

Not an easy thing, just do it carefully and honestly. It may go smoother than you think. Good luck either way!

[Fetish Heels]

A very hard thing to face up to and one I put off for a long time but I had to reveal my desires and not creep around furtively enjoying my heels. My wife did not want to see me wear heels and allows me lots of time to myself to enjoy my obsession. You have to chose if you want to risk losing her against your love of heels. I admit I found the choice hard to make but getting it out is the best way.

[chris100575]

While I wouldn't recommend this course of action to anyone who is already in a relationship, I'm not going to deny myself my heels any more. After several years of sneaking around my own house furtively slipping into a pair now and then, and later on having to go and take them off when she came home, I'm not going through that again. Next time I start seeing a girl I'm going to tell her early on to minimise the harm done if she is freaked out. Pretty much all of my friends now know that I wear heels sometimes, and although it came as a surprise none of them thought it was that big of a deal. If I'm still single in a few years as a result I might re-evaluate the situation, but for now I'm willing to hold out for a woman who will accept me as I am. Chris

[karenjean]

Very tough question. So many don't understand what they consider 'unusual' desires. If your wife is fairly conventional, telling her is a risk . . . but that leaves you in a bind.

[Krapsparov]

You can start by putting the feelers out. Admire her shoes and take a strong interest in her footwear. Ask the question "Whats it like to walk in heels?" and ask if you can try hers on for a laugh. Just build on it from there. In my experience, she will want you to try them on. If they don't fit, tell her you know a huge footed woman at work and produce a pair of your own a few days later. Just an idea. Jon

[dww]

Well to be honest, I cannot tell you how to tell the one you love about your interest in heels. I can only tell you about my own case. For many years I thought I was a nutter of sorts, being interested in womens style shoes (high heels came later about the age of 20). But after finding the internet I soon discovered that I am not so much a nutter after all, finding many like minded people. My girlfriend of 25 years now knows of my thoughts, so does my daughter, my mum and one of my sisters. It has not been a easy life, but they now know, and we are all still together. Will post later how they found out if anybody is interested

[dr1819]

Aye, there's the rub, isn't it? Some women respond with a "you do? Well then let's go out and buy you another pair" while others sign the cross and you never hear from them again. Most women fall somewhere between those extremes, and some initial disbelief is usually a part of their response. Having read through most of the posts and dealt with these issues over the last five years of this website's existence, here's an amalgem of what seems to work the best: 1. Honesty is always the best policy. If you hide it, and she finds out later, she'll wonder what else you've been hiding. 2. Do tell. This goes hand in hand with honesty, but I have to say this, in all honesty - if you're uncertain as to her reaction, and you know you can go without, then go without - why add unnecessary friction in your marriage, or risk worse? If you feel like you can't, then simply tell her, "honey, I have this thing for heels." Then, let her ask the questions and be honest in your responses. 3. If you feel like she'd be ok with it, then just tell her! This is pretty much self-explanatory. In all, put her above your heel-wearing. I don't care how sympathetic a woman might be. If she thinks you're putting anything above her, even if it's your Superman comic book collection, Monday Night Football, an excessive sports training regimen - it's bad ju-ju. Most women don't want to be the center of attention, but they do want to feel like they're the apple of your eye. So if you want to strengthen the relationship, re-focus on the apple! Selfish indulgence is a killer in most relationships, whether that's preoccupation with the job, a hobby, or street-heeling. If you want her in your life, focus on her, not heels. Mention your interest, to be sure, in keeping with the honesty aspect, but make dang sure she knows, through your actions and words how much more she means to you than a pair of shoes. Otherwise, she's likely to think, "He care's more about his heels than he does about me" and she'd be perfectly justified in thinking that. Just some observations to ponder from someone who's "been there, done that."

[JNR]

Great synopsis. Concisely put: -- Always tell your girl friend about your heels when it appears the relationship is going to advance beyond the "just friends" stage. -- Give her the opportunity to evaluate your character based on your total personality. -- Never give her the opportunit to evaluate your faithfulness - especially to the point of questioning "what else is he hiding from me?" -- Never promise to quit wearing your heels. You won't be able to. Ever. Some men have negotiated a solution that satisfies both parties -- like him (you) never wearing their heels in front of her. -- Since she's your (prospective) life mate, you know her better than anyone else. Analyze what you believe her reaction will be and then decide weather to tell her or not. 8 out of 10 women will react negatively to any character trait that might indicate her "man" is anything less than totally "male." Some, after careful thought, will reach the conclusion that your obsession is harmless. Others, will never accept it. And, keep in mind that such a revelation has driven more than one woman to see a divorce. -- In the final analyse, it's your decision. Only you have the knowledge of how she is likely to react. Above all, be totally honest with yourself. Don't let the idea that "if you tell her, she will accept it," just because you want her to, cause you to do something foolish. The best course, in my opinion, is to always tell any prospective mate before making a commitment. Give her the opportunity to say no before it is too late and both parties -- pluse any children that might come along -- are harmed beyond relief.

[Griez]

realy i got this problem too... but not whit wife;) i dont know how to tell my girl that i like heels... maybe this week... but if i will need to tell it sameday let it be this time and then we will see;) i remmber how acted one of ym girls when they found out that i like to use nail polish... she was shocked cuz of color... it was blue... she thought i'm gay and gone away... never talked whit her nromaly again... but in another hend i was then in night club, so i realy pleasant amazed one onother friend(also girl) and she even now when i sad in frype.com about this was realy surprisely to me... she even will work to my style so i can wear heels on public:) she will made for herself a great portfolio to get on Luton university to study "fashion design"

[Susan (the original)]

Hello Stilletos Your question hits squarely on issues and women's lives I've delt with for over 5 years. To be fair, so you understand, I'm a 9 year veteran of these forums / high heel websites. It's been 3 years since I posted here but my work has kept me knowledgeable of events. Also, so you understand, I'm a 57 year old woman with a slightly unique background in heels. My first husband died of cancer, I've since remarried, both incredibly good men. Neither one of them had / has any kind of fixation or obcession for high heels. As a result of my experiences on the internet I was pulled into women's issues of safety, abuse if you will, from sexual harassment in the work place to domestic violence in the home, and everything in-between. At the time of my departure from these forums 3 years ago, I was active in the efforts of 7 women to find help. Today that number has grown to 114. I must tell you your situation saddens and disturbs me. While I personally don't approve of it, your desire to wear high heels is entirely your business. Having said that, it should have been made known to your wife 19 years ago when she had a "reasonable" opportunity to make a very "personal" decision about what she wanted in "her" life. She has been denied a significant portion of that opportunity. You have no choice but to tell her. No one here including myself can tell you the words to use. You "know" her, we don't. I'm going to tell you something else in conflict to what you've already been told. She doesn't "know" you. While I can't / won't suggest what to say to her, I will tell you how to treat her. Patience, understanding, and respect like you never realized you had. Whatever her decision, it is her choice, TOTALLY. not yours. If she says NO, that's exactly what she means. I'm going to tell you another reality you won't hear on these forums. "Of the two of us there is only one I can change". Now you say it and hear the words. I do deeply hope and pray everything works out for the both of you. That "is" my wish. Susan

[JNR]

"it should have been made known to your wife 19 years ago when she had a 'reasonable' opportunity to make a very 'personal' decision about what she wanted in 'her' life. She has been denied a significant portion of that opportunity." WheW!! Tough words that I'm sure no one here really wants to hear. But, no truer words have ever been written. (what I was trying to say in my post of Oct. 28th). While it might be too late for most of our members to take this advice, those heel wearing male members that aren't married yet should follow it.

[Elegant]

While it might be too late for most of our members to take this advice, those heel wearing male members that aren't married yet should follow it.

Well, if I'm gonna date a chick, I'd definitely wear my leather and heels. It'd be the first selection stage: either she'd accept me with my preferrences, or she'd be disqualified right at the beginning- without possible harm later on.

[gary0618]

Susan, I Have been reading you old posts and I must say, I hope you are back. Your posts were and are, well thought out and a pleasure to read. Where have you been? And what brings you back after 3 years? I hope you will stick around for a while, this forum needs more women like you onboard.

[gary0618]

Admin.Why is my above post one big paragraph?Even tho I put a few returns in it to seperaste the thoughts, it has posted all together. ??????

[Tech]

Admin.Why is my above post one big paragraph?Even tho I put a few returns in it to seperaste the thoughts, it has posted all together. ??????

Maybe because your using some sort of advanced formatting judging by the fact that your text is blue which tells me you have changed or tried to change something using html tags which get stripped out.

This would have been better as a PM so as not to send the thread off topic.

I will leave it here for you to read, then delete it once you have read it.

[hoverfly]

Wow 19 years you have kept a secreat......the consequences coming forth on this one....... Bottom line damed if you do, damed if you don't. If you tell her and she does not like it be ready for the worst and accept it fighting and arguing wont convince her and if she goes bonkers, walk away. Her mind will be in no state to be sensible what so ever and pushing it will only convince her not to accept it. If you decide she is not going to accept it than keep it a secret and if she discovers it be right up front about it. My GF discovered my heel wearing early on and easily accepted it, however both of us have above average IQ's to use Commons sense on this matter. I can't speak for those who are simply followers and don't think for them selves or not diversified in knowledge in where their minds live in a small world.

[Pam]

All comments are great and right-on advice! It is a difficult situation ... my 2c would be for you to think what are the consequences for each choice. Sometimes keeping a secret for the sake of a relationship is worth the pain. You will need to figure out a way to deal with it outside the house. On the other hand, if this is eating you alive, then maybe is worth taking it out on the open. P

[RPMindy]

given the length of time of secrecy.. you're in a major bind. here are my thoughts 1- you can't come out to her alone.. the odds of you comming off wrong is too high and the risk for damage is great. 2-she can be open to you wearing heels as a principal.. but not open to the fact you felt you had to hide it from her and never gave her the choice.. major emotional betrayal and she may not get over the betrayal while still being ok with the heel wearing itself! 3-you know her well enough to understand her views on betrayal. 4-get a professional you trust to help set you up in the right path to tell her. also.. this person could help her ease into the news and optimize your chance of salvaging your relationship.. she needs to see it as you being more honest than ever.. instead of you betraying her with a massive lie. 5- you had 19 years heads up to get ready for this day.. don't expect her to get it in a few conversations.. or even a few months. it's a major life adjustment for her. she's going to have tons of questions.. let alone analyze the whole relationship to find out if it was real or a lie. 6-how important is it to you that you wear your heels around her? based on that.. will help you open up in a way most appropriate to her. are you telling her to let her know for the sake of you not lying to her or are you telling her because you're going to now openly cross dress.. 7- there are many other variables in this equation.. she's getting the short end of the stick, no matter which way you look at it. sure you're in a bind, but she's in a bind and doesn't konw it and when she finds out, she's going to be in a panic state (to put it mildly) and you've got to be prepared for whatever her reaction is going to be. (from being cool and staying that way.. to being flat out destructively upset and out of control) 8- i can't offer you any advice on how to handle this. i'm not in your shoes. and i've made it clear to my lady well before we hooked up that i loved seein her in heels and the taller the better. 4 years later... she's toying wiht 5 inch. if it was me.. within the year of her knowing she'd be up to 6 inch.. but that is only dream land. who knows if my lady will ever get comfy with 5 inch or even move up to 6 inch.. she wasn't a heeler when I met her. i just love her that much more for making the effort. it's an ongoing process. sure it kills me that friends dont' mind modeling in 5+ inch for me but my lady won't easily do it. but she's only had 4 years to get used to it (some folks take a long time to grow into something). but it's her choice. i respect her ability to hold her ground and be true to herself. i rather that than a gal give in and wear 6 inch for me and resent me. best of luck to you!!!! keep us posted RPM

[lorrieanne]

I was married for almost twenty years before i finally got the nerve to tell my wife. She was upset at first but came around after a while and has been a peach since. I tried to pick the right time to bring up the subject and told her over dinner one evening after we had a few drinks. Thought it would help her accept it more readily. Of course i also dropped the bomb about dressing. If you wife is understanding then you will be ok.

[johnieheel]

Honey, I like to wear heels.

[HighHeelArt]

I have been wearing 6" heels for many years at home until I met Shelly. Going into the relation ship we both knew that I am a high heel fanatic and that I love to see women in heels. How ever she did not know that my closet was full of heels and that I used to wear them in private all the time. After the relationship became more serious I decided to actually throw away some of the shoes I had as I feared that she might not understand.

How ever after a couple of years I admitted to her that I have been wearing heels in the past and that I even had a couple of pair left in the basement. It turned out that she did not mind me wearing heels anyway and she said she rather have someone that is in touch with his feminine side. Since than we have purchased many pair of at least 5" heels for her and several pair of 6" heels for me including a pair of ballet shoes.

In retrospect I have to say that it was good for me let my partner know that I love to wear high heels as it turned out that she did not mind after all. In fact she was the one that recently found this forum and suggested to become members of it to talk to like minded heel fanatics.

I do not know how other women will react but I found a fantastic partner that feels good about my high heel fetish and even fosters it as she has become an even stronger fanatic for high heels as she has been before she knew me.

[dr1819]

Honey, I like to wear heels.

Perfect.

There's no need to overcomplicate things by trying to explain or justify it, must less getting "professionals" many of whom would be more prone to try and "cure" you simply for being different. For some women it might be a major adjustment. For others, particularly those who're already aware that both men and women have interests which differ from the norm, it may not be a big deal at all.

Be honest, but also be ready to make a choice, as some women may present you with an ultimatum, that either the heels go or they'll go. After 19 years, I'd recommend chucking the inconsequential pieces of leather, wood, and plastic, rather than the long-term loyal companion and mother of one's children.

[RPMindy]

i can live with that DR!!! RPM

[JNR]

Be honest, but also be ready to make a choice, as some women may present you with an ultimatum, that either the heels go or they'll go. After 19 years, I'd recommend chucking the inconsequential pieces of leather, wood, and plastic, rather than the long-term loyal companion and mother of one's children.

Straight to the Hart! Never have truer words been written! Once you tell her, especially if she doesn't react positively, your entire relationship will be forever changed. She will neve look at you in the same light again.

[Magickman]

While this may be of little use to the OP, I have to agree with Tubehead, that the best time to tell, is at the very beginning. I implement this by wearing my heel boots, when I attend singles functions. All the women there see that I am wearing heels. Reactions vary from "UGH!" to "Your boots are soooooo sexy." When I go out with a new woman, I always wear heels on the first date. That way, they can take it or leave it. It is a greater challenge, to reveal secret wearing of heels, to someone you have been married to for many years. The issue of the secret appears larger than the question of heel wearing. Preservation of the relationship should be the foremost concern. Perhaps an incremental approach of increasing shoe height might work, if OP's wife is flexible to foot fashion.