Jokes, funny stories or one liners

[dr1819]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

[dr1819]

A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

[dr1819]

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A K-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir...Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes". She's skeptical, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering fart. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around. The man rings up the sale and says,"That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[dr1819]

A guy finds a watch on the street and sees that it has the name of the local priest engraved on it. A week later he goes to confession and says "Father I found a watch on the street and I wanted to keep it but that doesn't feel right. Do you want to have it?" The priest says "no you gotta give it back to the rightful owner". The man replies "But he doesn't wanna have it." The priest says "Then it's allright. You can keep it."

[dr1819]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Well, that's officially the world's funniest joke, so I quit!

http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html

[kirkules]

A biker goes to Hell astride his bike. He whellies his machine through the gates of Hell but comes to an immediate stop. In front of him are plush meadows full of butter cups and poppies and daisies and dandylions. Scattered about were picnic benches. Surrounding these benches were ordinary people eating picnic food and drinking beer. The biker dismounts his bike, and with mouth wide open approaches a bench. A guy turns to him and offers him a beer, some sandwiches and some crisps along with the usual picnic victuals. The biker accepts and starts to enjoy himself. Then he spots the Main Man. He walks up to the Devil and says "Mr Devil, not that I am complaining or anything, but this is not how I imagined Hell to be!" "Oh yes, that!" replies the Devil. "See that track over yonder that goes over the hill? Follow it to an old house. I think there you will find what you are looking for." So the biker walks up over the hill over the track pointed out to him by the Devil. He see's the old house and walks up to it. As he approaches he can hear an abomination of noises. Whips cracking, steam hissing and human screams of terror. He looks through a Bulleye window and turns white at the image inside. In front of him are people being flayed with hot irons, rusty nails being hammered under their fingernails. Stomachs being......you get the picture. The biker runs off feeling sick, back in the direction of the picnic area. The Devil see's him and say "I see you found what you were looking for!" "But I don't understand" says the biker "Here you are, picnicing and being all nice while there are people being brutally tortured!" ""Beats me!" says the Devil, "That's how the Catholics like it!"

[jmc]

1. Boats last longer. 2. Boats don't have parents. 3. Boats never get headaches. 4. Boats' curves never sag. 5. Boats don't care if you have a beer while you ride them. 6. Boats never ask "Does this make me look fat?" 7. It is always OK to use tie-downs on your boat. 8. Your boat doesn't get mad at you if you look at other boats. 9. You don't have to deal with preachers and blood tests to register your boat. 10. If you say bad things to your boat you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

[jmc]

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[vector]

Did you hear the one about the radio that got married to the antenna? The wedding was ok, but they had a great reception....

[sscotty727]

Not really a "one liner", but someone posted this on another website. It looks real to me.......

[xaphod]

Understanding Women

A biker was riding along a Welsh beach when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Dublin so I can ride over any time I want”.

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Irish Sea! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify Me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her a truly happy woman”.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Xa

[tightsnheels]

It is a beautiful Easter morning and the whole congragation was gathered in the church, all were singing as the pastor started his walk down the aisle. Just as he reaches the alter Satan appears in a blast of fire and smoke. The entire congragation flees in whatever way they can out doors, leaping out of windows pushing and shoving as they go. Satan stands at the front laughing with tears running down his face until he spies a little old man calmly sitting in the front pew. Now this perturbed Satan something fierce and he walks up to the man.

"Aren't you scared?"

"Don't see why I should be."

"Don't you know who I am?"

"Well I ought to I've been married to your sister for sixty-three years!"

T&H

[tightsnheels]

What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang-bang, clipity clop, clipity clop, clipity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting.

T&H

[Pumpfan]

There was once this Scottish atheist out on the lake (or loch), for a day of fishing. All of a sudden a huge reptililian tail smashes up into the boat. As he's flying through the air the atheist prays out loud for God to spare his life. All of a sudden a booming voice comes from the sky and says, "why should I spare your life when you never believed in me until now?" He replies "God, until now I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!!!":chuckle:

[Bubba136]

Addendum: So, God let him die while he still had the faith!

[vector]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stapled to the punk rockers back!

[LukeVibertUK]

I was invited to attend the wedding of my friends who are both TV antennas. The wedding wasn't that great but the reception was excellent.

[crotchboots-m]

what do u get if you have conjugal relations with a parakeet? chirpies

[thedesigner]

Blind tranny waiting at the lights. Bloke calls out: "Cross dresser !". Tranny starts walking across. Gets run over...... ----------------- Heel wearer walking thru town, happy as a days long. His friend comes up and says "Hi, mate !" Heel wearer says "Yes they are, thanks !" without realising.... ----------------- Why do heel wearers always live in houses.....? .... cos they can't live in flats...... ----------------- what's the difference between a straight carpenter and a CD carpenter? a straight carpenter screws, a CD carpenter... nails...... ----------------- A guy in heels is walking through the woods, happy, it's a nice day, the birds are singing, nobody can see he's wearing heels in full view. Suddenly, this stray dog comes out of nowhere, comes up to him, and widdles on his leg. Guy is astounded. "What d'you do that for?" he says to the dog. "Well," says the dog, "with heels like that and a tank top, you gotta be taking the piss!"

[tightsnheels]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor. 1. Name___________________ Nickname/Alias ___________ Date of Birth__________ 2. Height___’___” Weight ________Lbs. I.Q._______ G.P.A._________ 3. Social Security #_____-____-_____ Drivers License #_____________________ 4. Boy Scout Rank ________________ Good standing Yes____ No____ 5. Home Address_______________________ City/State ________________ Zip_________ Home phone ____________ Car phone ______________ Pager _____________________ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____ If no please explain ______ ______________________________________________________________________________ 7. Number of years parents married?________ Parents occupations __________________ Best time to interview your parents?___________________________________________ 8. Do you have piercings other than your ears? ________ Tattoo? ____________________ (If yes to any of the above discontinue application and leave the premises) 9. In fifty words or less, what does late mean to you? _______________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ 10. In fifty words or less what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________ 11. In fifty words or less what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _______________________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend _________________ How often do you attend ________________ Best time to interview your Priest/Pastor _____________________________________ Fill in the blank: Please answer freely, all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone, ever I promise!) A. if I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is _______________. B. If I were beaten the last bone I want broken is______________________. C. A woman’s place is in the __________________. D. The only thing I hope this application does not ask me is________________________. E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ______________________________________ F. When I meet a girl the first thing I notice about her is ____________________________ G. Now answer the question you filled in on letter “D” ____________________________ Note: If your answer to the letter “F” begins with T or A, discontinue. It is advisable that you leave the premises quickly, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion. I SWEAR THAT ALL THE INFORMATION PROVIDED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENELTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA ANT TORTURE, ELLECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND OR RED HOT POKERS. __________________________________ Signature (That means sign it moron.) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please DO NOT call or write however as this could cause you unexpected injury. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. It is advisable to watch your back!

[thedesigner]

man with 3 heads and no legs waiting at the bus stop. Bus comes along, driver says to man: "allo allo allo, how u getting on then".......

[tightsnheels]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

[tightsnheels]

A young man travels to a nearby town and walks into the local pharmacy he makes his way around the store until he finds a display of condoms. He stares at the display for sometime unsure of exactly what to buy when he is approached by the pharmacist.

Not sure what to pick son?

No sir.

First time?

Yes sir we're supposed to have dinner then we're supposed to go over to her parents cabin for some fun.

Well son if I were in your shoes I'd go with these.

Thank-you sir.

He pays for his items happy to be free of his chore and heads for home to clean up for his big night. He arrives at his girlfreinds house promptly at six and is soon ushered into their dinning room. He sits nervously under the stare of her father all through dinner and after the table is cleared he remains sitting there until his girl leans over and whispers in his ear.

Shouldn't we be going soon?

Shouldn't you have told me your dad is a PHARMACIST?

[thedesigner]

Applied for a job working on a train station. Got the job !! Must have been cos i was wearing platform heels....

[thedesigner]

why do men in tights always succeed....? Cos they never get told to pull their socks up.....

[thedesigner]

why do men in mules never succeed....? cos they always have to do the donkey work.....

[thedesigner]

bloke in heels came to fit me a new driveway did a wicked job, well he was a block pavior....

[thedesigner]

how do heelwearers greet each other ? they just say "Hi !"

[thedesigner]

how do heelwearing gardeners greet each other? They just say "hi hoe !"

[thedesigner]

how do heelwearing gardeners with shiny insides to their jackets greet each other? "Hi hoe, silver lining ! "