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bambam

Late night stroll

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I've been enjoying some sleepless nights lately, not unusual for me, seems to be a cyclical thing, and when I am up at 2 am, I go for walks. I go for walks all the time anyway, but at night its especially nice with the quiet, and in the past when I was a little more uncomfortable wearing heels, I would use this time to walk in heels. It's when I found out it wasn't a sexual thing for me, and when I knew that it wasn't going away either. True to this premonition, and supported by others on this website, the heels have not left my mind. 

 

Last night was the first in what I suspect will be a long month or so of late nights, and when I got up at 2, I felt the same urge to put on a pair of jeans and some stilettos, and go for a walk. I only got down the front step before I realized how ridiculous I felt, both at not having the self respect to do this in daytime hours, and for the guilt I still felt for wanting to wear them. No matter how hard I try, some part of me still believes that I am doing something wrong, even after people, including girlfriends, insist that I am ok, even after playing on stage in heels, I feel as if it somehow looks wrong, and I am trespassing where I shouldn't. This instantly makes me angry, since the world is perfectly content with women crossing these boundaries with ease, while requiring that I maintain a vigil representation of a man from the past. Biology can explain it, but intellectualizing it doesn't help me, and I'm not sure what to do about it, since I still want to play an active role in this world, preferably as a positive, rather than a victim or activist. 

 

I will most likely wear heels until I can't anymore, either from injury or change in profession. Not sure what to expect from this post, I just needed to vent to people who might understand. 

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For sure that won't change anything and won't take us much further. But I share all your feelings. Your words are perfect echoes to what I could have written ( probably not so perfectly) 

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5 hours ago, bambam said:

No matter how hard I try, some part of me still believes that I am doing something wrong, even after people, including girlfriends, insist that I am ok, even after playing on stage in heels, I feel as if it somehow looks wrong, and I am trespassing where I shouldn't. This instantly makes me angry, since the world is perfectly content with women crossing these boundaries with ease, while requiring that I maintain a vigil representation of a man from the past.

The thing that holds each of us back the most is usually ourselves, you haven't given yourself permission yet. It took me over 30 years before I allowed myself to get my toes paint. Now over a decade later, it just normal to get regular pedicures. My only boundaries are those I have set for myself.

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1 hour ago, Cali said:

The thing that holds each of us back the most is usually ourselves, you haven't given yourself permission yet. It took me over 30 years before I allowed myself to get my toes paint. Now over a decade later, it just normal to get regular pedicures. My only boundaries are those I have set for myself.

“Permission” being the operative word.  Love it.

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Posted (edited)

This echoes what I feel perfectly. I also feel like a deviant, defective, etc, quite often. Waiting until late nights, then sneaking out, not wanting anyone to see me. 

I am definitely not an expert day-time wearer, having gone outside only a few times. Have gone to the park, and felt bad, have gone to lots of parks and the feeling doesn't improve. However, I've found that quite often what helps me immensely is a sense of purpose. Meaning, for ex, "I have to go buy X", and when I'm in that frame of mind, then I've gone out in heels a few times. I find that then I'm focused on what I need to do ("buy X"), as opposed to how everyone is (not) looking at me.

I always think, if a cop were to pull up beside me, and ask "what the heck are you doing", what would I say? Going to the park, feeling like a deviant, I would have no answer, the focus is the shoes, should I say "Just out for a stroll in my heels"? Now, if I *am* going to the park, I take a camera (giving me a purpose - to capture wildlife photos, for ex). Going out for a late night walk, I take my usual backpack ("I'm just going home from a party or something"). Going to a store, to buy X, I would have an acceptable answer, and how I'm dressed is not their business.

To me, each outing now has a purpose, sometimes it's completely irrelevant or made up, but if I bump into anyone who asks, now I have a ready answer, that has nothing to do with heels. The heels are "just there". No one has asked, but in my mind it has a huge difference. Feeling like a deviant vs. actually feeling completely content with myself.

Edited by hiddenheels
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That's exactly what you have to do. 

These shoes are your " normal" shoes. No need to feel ashamed. You are not a deviant 

i have myself walked in Toronto with 14 cm single sole Oxford and jean. In the day time. No problem at all. 

 

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We live in a world with so much biological diversity.  Even if you restrict your sample set to men, we have so many different heights, shapes, skins, and of course personalities.  Why shouldn’t the clothes we wear be just as diverse and expressive?  Often the rules of what is “standard” versus “deviant” is just in our head because we have been numbed by life’s monotony.  Don’t think of what you are doing as deviant.  Think of it as being diverse, creative, and open minded.  People talk so much about celebrating “diversity” so much these days, and this is the spirit of it.  We shouldn’t hide our differences, we should embrace and share them.  

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Bam Bam-

Almost seems like you have had something happen to you recently that has caused a set back....Your girl friends have told you it is fine to wear heels....You have even worn your heels while performing, any feedback while doing that?  Taking a late night walk in heels would seem to be a form a relaxation/stress relief.  Do you have a sleep disorder, or are you staying awake nights worrying about things...  In any event, stress relief seems like a great reason to get out in heels to me...Are you able to relax/sleep after your walks?  

Again, have you had a negative experience lately?  I am surely not trying to dismiss your emotions/feelings, but it just seems like you had progressed beyond this "hurdle" until now.  We surely do tend to be "our own worst enemies"....  Don't you like the way you look in heels?  If not, what has changed/happened to affect you this way....D 

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