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Everything posted by hiddenheels

  1. I'm thinking of this "style" as well. Specifically thinking about the idea of showing a lot of unshaved leg with pumps. I'm not criticizing, but am curious whether you like it or not? I've found it works OK with some shoes, but not others? Love the heels though!
  2. Since the lockdown, I've been unable to wear heels, family is at home 24x7. This sucks, and the anxiety has kicked in a few times. My wife can read my moods and asks when I'm down, why I'm down. Based on our past interactions I've started telling her about how I would like to wear them a bit more and I'm not able to thus am a bit upset. In the last little bit this has led to some more discussion between her and I, and it's clear that she's not supportive of me wearing them in front of her or outside. Although she says she doesn't care if I wear it into a store, the attitude of how she says it clearly indicates that that's not the case. So it's been tough, and not only have I not been able to express myself for the past 8 weeks, I've also made backwards progress with my wife. This topic will never be resolved between her and I. As a side-note, she knows I love it when she herself wears heels to go shopping or something, that has not happened in a very long time. I've given up caring what she wears. While I understand her points on how this should not be a ruling factor in my life, or our lives, the inability to express myself as I wish it to be is difficult. She's also said that a relationship is compromise, and she also makes compromises. I agree with her on this. So, I'm going to have to settle into not doing anything until this thing is over, and I can get back to work. Once some semblance of normal returns, I am hoping to have some time to be able to do this on my own, even if it's stopping by some coffee shop or store periodically. Disappointing, but do not see much of a choice but to go at it alone. In the meantime I'll try to deal with my anger on this.
  3. This is a tough problem, but you're not alone. I've also been struggling with this for the past 20 years, at least. Some good days/weeks/months, some bad ones. If I have to chart my progress, then initially it was curiosity, and some amateurish outings, explorations, discussions with my wife. Although this never ever ever went away, I suppressed it for years, hiding things, and not discussing it with my wife. Resentment built, both towards myself, my desires, both in myself and my wife around this topic. About two-three years ago, as I matured I guess, I started exploring these desires more and more. I started going to parks, whenever possible. Started slowly opening up to my wife about this, and although she doesn't understand, and doesn't want to see me in them, as a "theoretical discussion" she's OK. "Out of sight, out of mind" for her, but at least I can open up to her. I've started buying proper jeans, slowly going to coffee shops, a few random mall visits, some grocery store visits, and over the process have become more comfortable with myself. The shoes, and the overall look, is starting to lose some of the weirdness, and at least to me, looks acceptable. I keep telling myself, if women can wear whatever, so can I, gender equality and all that. If someone ever does ask about my heels (and so far noone has), my response will be: "I support gender equality, and am walking the walk, not just talking the talk". Most recently I've started exploring skirts, and that's a lot of fun and cause of more confusion. Now, this all might sound great, but I have regular ups and downs. Just a few days ago I had a major down, has happened multiple times recently, where I'm just not sure why I'm battling this, thinking something is majorly wrong with me, why can't I be "normal" (whatever that is), life would be so much easier if this didn't exist in me, I want to apologize to my wife for putting her through this... But the desire to dress as I wish is just in me. It's not going away. It's been too long for it to be just a simple obsession. I want to dress the way I want to dress, while still looking male. I have no ability or desire to present as a female, I like my stubble and how my body looks like, I do not wish to change that. I noticed a lot of the same sentiment in your description of what you're going through. It does get easier, and more "normal" (at least to youself). Keep it up, and keep posting. Vent your frustrations here. One thing I did notice was a change not to look at this as something weird, but as pushing my own boundaries and comfort levels. Trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. Whenever you do that (for whatever reason) you get more resilient and stronger. I view each outing as a personal challenge, just like spiders or public speaking, you're afraid of it, until you do it over and over and your phobia slowly disappears. Yes, each outing is hard, but that only makes me stronger.
  4. hiddenheels


    Those are some awesome heels! Love them! Wow, these I want! Lucky people here, I can't wear any heels at home. Makes it tough to enjoy heels...
  5. Wow... Those shoes look so awesome. Probably not $280 awesome, at least on my budget, but still... Nice!
  6. Probably pushing the boundaries a bit, but I'm trying to make a compromise, and do what I can, when I can. My favorite height is 4", that's just what I find most comfortable, but that would have been too much trouble at that time. Would have needed a different pair of jeans and all. :(
  7. hiddenheels


    That does look nice and comfortable! I'm home with the entire family locked into a single place. Doing this is impossible, and being in boring cloths is a bit frustrating, and definitely no fun.
  8. With the virus, outings have disappeared. But I did have a chance a few days ago to go to a store. Left home, dressed in my usual guy cloths, but took my 2" chunky heel boots with me. They look like dress shoes, but have a bit of a heel to them. Changed into that in the car, and went into the store. The jeans do not hide the shoes one bit, but whatever. It was only a 2" heel. Didn't have any problems going into the store, or browsing or shopping. Was just a tad bit self conscious. Even ran into someone I know, but nothing was said. At least I was able to do a tiny bit of heeling, it's a rare opportunity nowadays...
  9. Been a while... With the lockdown opportunities are impossible to come by, so movement on this front has to be put on hold... At least I can spend some time reading about it, and trying to figure out in my head what it is I really want to do. I did have one outing a week or two back which it looks like I didn't post about. Was able to go out, it was dark already. Recently I bought a red plaid mini-skirt (my all-time favorite look). Black pantyhose, 4" stiletto heel boots, white T-shirt and black jacket. The look was simply amazing. The skirt very comfortable. It took a bit of effort to get out of the car, but I ended up walking around several blocks, including by a large road, for 30 minutes. It was dark, and I was stressed out of my mind for the first 5 minutes or so. Then I started relaxing and enjoying it. It was an amazing experience... The skirt looks something like this:
  10. My goto shoes? With kids and family at home 24x7, wearing anything remains a dream... Withdrawal symptoms are showing up.
  11. Those are some killer heels! I doubt you'll ever get rid of the butterflies with those. But then again, do you want to? :) Isn't that part of the thrill?
  12. That's a nice casual look! I also would be curious about reactions...
  13. How many women have feet larger than US 11? I try for US11, but can handle US10 most of the time. It is great, but wished my feet were just a bit slightly smaller as not everything goes up to 10/11.
  14. I'll also have to take a break, with everything closed and the entire family at home, it's difficult to disappear for a few hours.
  15. Completely agree! That's what I'm striving for, but have a lot of work to do for myself...
  16. Thanks for all the votes of confidence, and support! I will definitely take it slow as the chances for me to explore won't be there for the next few weeks or more. Since my venture to the store, I feel much more relaxed and less anxious, about this, and in general. That was fun! Seriously. I'm hoping to have some time and just explore the styles at home, see what works well, and what doesn't. I've experimented around a bit, and certain outfits were "OMG, this looks amazing!" to combinations that were just OK. Need to take some photos so I can remember what looks good. Regarding shaving, I can't. It's not something I would like to do, nor can I. My wife would definitely ask questions, and it would be even further from the masculine image she's trying to preserve. I did not like the look of my somewhat-hairy legs with a skirt, and started looking at tips on YouTube. Found one video talking about using skin-colour tights under pantyhose to hide hair, which I was able to try out, and it works amazingly well. Put on the opaque tights, and then either brown or black pantyhose, and it looks exactly like a nice clean shaved leg. It was a good tip, works very well for me! So that's what I did a few days ago. The last few days I have been surprisingly calm. The anxiety has left me. I don't have any specific plans for going out in the near future, so I'm just enjoying being content...
  17. Thank you everyone for the encouragement. SUCCESS! Was going to go to a coffee shop yesterday morning, wearing a light-brown mini skirt with dark brown ~2" heeled chunky boots, and a dark brown jacket, but just couldn't get myself to do it. So I tried again this morning. Same getup as yesterday, was going to go to a coffee shop, but again couldn't get myself to do it. I figured I'll hop into Walmart for some quick things, but sat in the car trying to calm myself. Finally ended up driving to the same store I was last week, where I bought a bunch of skirts for next to nothing, thinking I'll go through their collection systematically in detail and see if I missed anything good. By this time I was finally able to calm myself, so got out of the car, milled about for a few minutes, and headed into the store. The mall was still quiet, it was just opening up. Went into the store, went to the clearance section and spent a good 30 minutes looking at their skirts. I picked out ~10, went to the fitting room to try them on, and ended up buying 5 of them, for ~$16. So, spent about an hour total out and about in daylight in something which was clearly a skirt. Was quite freeing! No one commented or really gave it a second glance. Once I got going, the stress left me and I was quite enjoying it. They are very comfortable! And it was good to be able to be myself... I did take a photo, but apologize, I am really uncomfortable sharing photos.
  18. Have been trying to wear one of the skirts out in daylight, but even when I had the chance, I didn't have the courage. Feelings of being a failure come back... Not just a failure to wear what I want, but thoughts of "why am I doing this to myself"... If life were a rollercoaster, at the moment I'm headed down...
  19. Haha, agreed that it "just happened"! For a price that low, I couldn't resist. Thanks for pointing that out to me, it does seem like the confusion is clearing up, yes... How I could broach this to my wife, I have no idea. Even the heels cause a lot of fuss and stress, I can't even imagine the reactions if I keep pushing it with her. Sigh...
  20. Oh wow! That would take a lot of guts for me to wear!
  21. Just read your intro message from a few years back. Very sorry to hear that this is how it is turning out. Totally can see both sides, as I've been through what you're going through, although not quite "it's me or the boots", but it has caused a massive amount of stress between us. I also wish the desire would go away in me, but I've purged, ignored, suppressed, ignored more, to no avail. I now have more heels then ever before, a lot more than she. If your choice really is that binary, then there isn't a lot of choice. I would choose my wife for sure, but fortunately for me there's a bit of a middle-ground. She's also suggested counseling to me, but I don't think that'll solve anything. I believe it to be similar, but not quite the same, as like going to counseling for being "gay" (or whatever sexual preference), it's "just in you", and no amount of talking or understanding will remove that. What I would probably do if faced with your choice is either throw everything out, or put it away in storage, so it's not a "threat" (to the wife). Then slowly, talk it through. Just like you, as a result of this, she pretty much no longer wears heels, and I've come to accept that, although it is sad... I understand she's said that it's an abomination, but hopefully a middle-ground could be found. For me, she's OK if I wear it out periodically without her. My desire is a lot stronger, and I would like to wear it a lot more, but "happy wife, happy life".
  22. I'm expending my energy by shopping. Went to a second-hand store a few days ago and bought another two skirts, one which fits really nicely as is, and another which I'm taking some scissors to, I have something planned for that. :) Today, wasn't planning on buying anything, but happened to have 30 minutes to kill at a mall while I waited for someone. Walked around, and found a store that looked like it was going bankrupt (it wasn't), but they had a massive section of super-cheap stuff. I ended up buying three brand new skirts, a denim mini-skirt that looks like it's torn for like 5$, a white mini-skirt and a beige one for 2-for-5$. All fit perfectly. Also found a pair of heels, they look sort of like running shoes, but have a stiletto heel and the front is pointy. I think it looks amazing. I have no idea how, but ended up paying ~22$ for the entire collection! All brand new stuff, lots of variety. Will have to go back when I have a bit more time. Will try to post pictures when possible.
  23. Sorry to hear that! But I guess you are excited by this, while she's not so excited by this transition. So you spend a bunch of energy on this topic. But remember, progress is progress, even if it is slower than expected...
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