Wife Not As Accepting As I Thought

[Jamie001]

I sympathise, mlroseplant; my wife dislikes me wearing heels in any situation. Shortly before Christmas, we met in the town to do some food shopping for a party. I wore my avatar boots. My wife noticed them immediately and told me (not for the first time) that she didn't like them and didn't like me to wear them when out with her, especially as 'people will think you are a poof'. I told her that I liked them and found them comfortable, especially given my sciatica etc - and could not see what was so objectionable about a pair of 'cowboy-style boots' with a slight heel. Nothing more was said but I have little doubt that I will get a blast next time she sees me in them.

The interesting thing is that my wife, although somewhat inhibited, has a background in fashion and is sociable, with a wide circle of quite lively female friends (whom I know and like too - several are neighbours). I am doubtful that any of these people or others whom we know would be as negative as she is, even if they thought that I was pushing the envelope a little. And my wife would never conform to my wishes or suggestions about what she should wear, unless she was totally comfortable with them.

There is not much I can do about the situation other than to continue to please myself without getting totally excommunicated. Stiletto2004 is right in theory about 'family first' but one's own peace of mind and happiness needs to be maintained in order to have a fulfilling relationship within a family.

Does your wife wear any clothing or shoes that is not considered feminine? Does she ever hiking boots or shoes that are clearly masculine styles or does she always wear feminine high-heel shoes? If she wears any masculine attire or shoes as many women do today, you can use that as ammunition regarding your wearing of high-heels. Double-standards must be abolished.

As far as I see it, people may think you are gay when you are alone, but if you are walking hand in hand with your wife, they have no idea what to think. Hence it should be easier to go out with her, rather than without her. Works for me.

Y.

It also doesn't matter if folks think that you are gay. We cannot control what other folks think and it is not our problem.

[mlroseplant]

mlroseplant,

Read your situation with great interest. Your situation may have the best parallel with what member lightknight8 said about his wife supporting his wearing high heels but couldn't quite support him polishing his toenails and wearing open-toe shoes. You'll see within that post that another member, freestyle75, crafted this graph thats shows the "space-time continuum" of a wife's acceptance of her husband wearing high heels and just how lucky lightknoght8 really is. The theme of that thread from the hhplace crowd was he should realize how lucky he is and try to abide by her wishes lest the support wane. I suggested that once his wife saw he was living by the limitations she set she'd probably suggest he start polishing his toes. I believe the advice in that situation is appropriate here. Dr. Shoe makes a great point about this and her opinions are always well though out an many others have echoed the same thing. Look closely at the two times she is most concerned; wearing heels to church and around her co-workers. These are precisely the two places most likely to generate negative attention and will become the nest of future gossip birds. Your wife appears to support you on all other occasions so take stock of that and realize she has weighed the situation and thinks this way is the best one to avoid potential trouble. The comment about wear your "real" shoes was dumb but probably said for emphasis rather than for accuracy. I think if she sees that you are abiding by her concerns, over time you may find that she may suggest a road trip somewhere where you both sport some heeled footwear and go enjoy yourselves. Communication is the master key to opening all doors throughout life. HappyinHeels

HappyinHeels, there is so much more to my current situation than what I'm letting on. Really, the heel-wearing will be fine, as long as I obey certain limits, which I am more than happy to observe. I am very unhappy to report that my wife's father is. . . well, basically dying. I won't get into the details, but he is not doing well, and I hope we make it to Vietnam before he dies (we leave 2 weeks from today). I am certain this has a lot to do with my wife's attitude. She is just not herself lately, and it's quite understandable. I am very sad to have to tell you this news. I may tell some stories about my father-in-law in the chit-chat section later. He is quite a remarkable man.

[Guest]

well, it seems to me that a few of these wives are just not able to handle the idea that their husbands want to hear heels, it is GROSS insecurity in my mind, nothing less- & for the one in south dakota that made you burn them & that you get help in a bible study or somthing, well now thats just rediculous, to say the least!, sounds like a few of these wives have some very serious problems with themselves. (over FOOTWEAR for gods sake too!)

[Puffer]

Does your wife wear any clothing or shoes that is not considered feminine? Does she ever hiking boots or shoes that are clearly masculine styles or does she always wear feminine high-heel shoes? If she wears any masculine attire or shoes as many women do today, you can use that as ammunition regarding your wearing of high-heels. Double-standards must be abolished.

My wife tends towards casual wear, often including trousers and low or flat shoes/boots/sandals. But nothing really masculine (such as a suit and brogues - thank goodness!) She can look glamorous if she wishes (but rarely considers it necessary or worthwhile) and does sometimes wear high heels, but is increasingly reluctant to do so. I am quite sure that her awareness of my liking for heels (on women or men) actually deters her from wearing them as she does not want to 'encourage' me - and therefore doesn't mind disappointing me also. The double-standards argument cuts little ice with her in this or any other aspect of her or my behaviour.

It also doesn't matter if folks think that you are gay. We cannot control what other folks think and it is not our problem.

I don't care what some onlooker or acquaintance might think or say, although I am not inviting confrontation and certainly not violence.

[jerbare]

I need to give a little in put.First my wife works for a hvac supply and her job is to call on contractors. I also happen to be one of those contractors so when at a lot of functions they are both her contacts and my peers. also during the past years she has gained a fair amount of weight. I know that this bothers her and at time she might think that I am replacing her with the shoes. I have told her that it will never happen. I do understand what she is thinking but I just need to let her know that regsrdless what happens with the outward I still think her of the 20 year old that I think of her as and maybe she wont be as worked up about the shoes

[HappyinHeels]

mlroseplant- Well that certainly clears things up indeed. We all here only have one father and one mother and the relationship is the most fundamental of all. It is not a wonder how different she may seem now but more of a wonder that she has held up this well. I have noticed that many Asians show a reserved and calm front even in times of great stress and even though they are very vulnerable inside. Right now your most important job is helping that lady beside you because what's coming is inevitable and not pleasant but part of mortal life. I remember taking my wife to Mexico when her father died and then seeing the precise moment when the grieving reached it height and it wasn't the same for any of her brothers and sisters.I remember when my father's mother died and, despite more than 400 people inside the church nobody stood up to offer words except me. When asked how I could speak at such a moment I replied that I can divide the time to speak and remember from the time to cry and remember. I have attended something like 80 wakes and funerals in the last 20 years and people seem to think I always have the right words at the right time. Maybe I should have been a counselor of some type. My words for you tonight are quite simple: stand ready to protect and guide her through the storm ahead. The beauty of it is your father-in-law will never be "dead" as long as you all remember him in your hearts and your deeds. The storm will pass and life will go on. It always does. I wish you strength, courage, and love at this point in your life. HappyinHeels

[Kittyinboots]

Since my wife lost her father over a year ago, she has become less accepting of my heels in recent times. As she is still grieving, she has become tired of seeing my high heel boots and doesn't want me wearing them in front of her. We recently moved to a new apartment, with me thinking that I would have more freedom since it is our own place. But she still doesn't want me wearing them in our new place. As a compromise, I only wear my high heel boots as I am leaving for work, just a little bit of heeling doing my morning errands, then changing into dress slacks and shoes. She might catch a glimpse of them as she is still half asleep, or hear me walking in them on my way out. I would go heeling on weekends with lunch and a movie. I find myself taking off my boots before entering our apartment to keep her at ease. I do believe in compromise, and my wife means more to me than my footwear. On a positive note, today she agreed to go heeling with me since she wanted me to drive her to a comic book store to buy baseball cards, another win-win situation. Today I wore my blue denim riding jeans and brown boots in my avatar. She was just happy to go shopping for baseball cards and look forward to baseball season. So I kick up my heels on our coffee table as I am waiting for her to be ready to go out. Nothing was said about my boots. Just like old times, we went shopping for baseball cards, then to lengthen our outing I took her out for lunch and a movie. It has been over a year since we went heeling at a movie theater. As we returned home, I quickly removed my boots, so as to reassure her that I am still compromising. It was a very nice Saturday afternoon that I will cherish as it is now quite rare. So I am optimistic that there will be a few outings now and then, but willing to compromise since I love my wife.

[Guest]

its simply rediculous that one's spouse can make such a fuss over foortwear, I mean really now........... (but on the other hand you must give in to show your respect to her even though it doesnt make any sense)

[Bubba136]

its simply rediculous that one's spouse can make such a fuss over foortwear, I mean really now........... (but on the other hand you must give in to show your respect to her even though it doesnt make any sense)

From your comment I would guess that you don't have a wife. If you did you would know that footwear isn't the only thing a wife can make a fuss over. Just try going to the paint store to buy more paint wearing paint covered work clothes. "are you going to the store dressed like that?". For one example.

[Guest]

well, your right about that- I'm single (& loving it!! ) bit I do live with my mom (still I'm 58 but she really needs me now more than ever) but she'll say that kind of stuff from time to time as well- so I can relate to it.

[Steve63130]

Kittyinboots, Having met you and your wife at a heel meet in Canton a couple of years ago, I am sorry that she hasn't got more comfortable with your heeling over time. But I think your approach is a sensible one. Keep pushing the envelope where you can, but make sure she is in her comfort zone, too, and be sure your attention is on her, not on your boots. Let her know you want both, but verify that she knows your priorities. Good luck! Steve

[Stilletto2004]

It makes sense to me. I mean what it your wife decided that from now on, she wasn't going to wear a bra and was going to let them all hang out for all to see. No matter what. It's her fashion freedom. She can wear what she wants.

[Steve63130]

...I mean what it your wife decided that from now on, she wasn't going to wear a bra and was going to let them all hang out for all to see....

That gives a whole new meaning to "Just hanging out!"

Steve