Adoption,children And Heels

[krazyhusband]

My wife and I are thinking of adopting a child. Our question to you is, should we tell the adoption agency about me,the husband, that i wear heels, or should we wait and adopt and then tell the child that i wear heels .

[meganiwish]

Or realise that the child is important and what you wear isn't.

[Bubba136]

I wouldn't think that would be any ones business except yours and your wife's. While some investigators might view a male wearing high heels as " strange", it doesen't even register on the personality disorder scale like some others, convicted criminal for instance. If it were me being evaluated, I would not even think about it.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Bubba136

[Histiletto]

Krazyhusband, Knowing somewhat of the mental state of men wearing heels and the social attitude toward it, I'm trying to invision myself into your situation to understand your concern. First of all, Bubba136 is right on. Your wife should be fully involved with you and your desire to wear heels? If there is any conflict in this relationship over your desire to heel, then you had better straighten this out with her. A totally healthy loving marriage is far more important than trying to please some social workers as to your ability to coordinate your wardrobe.

[AZShoeNut]

Bubba,s take is a good one. Nowhere on the paperwork are there any questions that woukd require you to share this information. At least that is the case in Arizona

[chrisinkilts]

I'll way in on this as we adopted our niece after taking the birth mother to court. It's certainly in your rights to wear what ever you want, but for a court decision it is best to be very conservative. I wear non-medical support hose for leg health. I've done it for almost 4 years now. When we were in the process, none of my wife's family ever saw the hose. We didn't want to give them any reasons to slow down the process. It took five years to adopt her. My mother-in-law has possibly seen me since in hose and shorts, but may not have noticed. For the sake of the adoption I would play it straight and conservative. When it's over, then wear what you want and it won't matter. Here in the US, you can give up your kid any time, but once you adopt you can not give them up ever. The words family and court should never be in the same sentence.

[Heelster]

As a person who has dealt with a guardianship of someone elses child not of our families, I see some potential possibilities. First off, If it's a simple adoption (not implying the process is simple) then it may not be such a concern, but if the child is a bit older, and there will be social workers involved, I would tend to think that playing it conservative would be the best option. There are a lot of variables here, so this may not be a simple question.

[Lvemadomina]

I would say keep on the down low with the adoption agency. As for telling the child, I mean it is still a sensitive topic, it could be hard to explain at first. And take some time for them to accept it. Generally people in my generation are more accepting of almost anything so I wouldn't see it as a big deal.

[kneehighs]

Or realise that the child is important and what you wear isn't.

I'm with you on this one. There are unique challenges in rearing an adopted child that don't come with rearing one's own biological offspring:

--the child will experience abandonment from his/her existing caretakers at some point. A young child does not have the past reference points to analyze challenging life events as being temporary, impersonal, and isolated. The event of abandonment will be traumatic for the young child, requiring special emotional sensitivity on the part of future caretakers.

--the child will not grow up with a biological sense of belongingness. People who grow up in their biological families take foregranted the importance of a biological sense of belongingness: your hands look like your dads, you got your mom's artistic talents, you have the ears of your grandpa. These biological mirrors inherently create a non-verbal state of emotional belongingness among biological bretheren. This will not exist for an adopted child, no matter how alike the adopted parents look.

--the child will not be encouraged to mourn the loss of it's original parents. Society today celebrates the adoption process in terms of what the child GAINS. And gain indeed it usually does. But LOSE it does as well, and a full picture of adoption is better than a biased one the world currently promotes about the adoption triad. Imagine if you lost your wife? It'd be traumatic. But as an adult, you could reason the event would be impermanent, you'd have reference points from your history to draw on, you'd know you wouldn't be sad forever. In fact, friends and family would run to you to help you grieve and mourn the loss--an essential element to recovery. Adopted children experience the exact same loss, but it's far more tragic because no one helps the adoptee mourn the loss of it's biological bretheren and roots. Instead, the child is told to just be thankful that it has a new lease on life and that's enough. There is a loss as well, not just a gain.

[ilikekicks]

We ( myself and wife ) have discussed this as I dont really put out a lot of little swimmers anymore and shes 14 years younger then me. She makes the big ' 30 ' this year and now that shes settled into where she wants to be in a stable relationship, she wants to have kids before its ' to late '. We have discussed adoption and never once did what we wear come up in the conversation. Smoking pot did, Our yearly incomes did, the house we live in and its suitability for a child did.. Clothes though? Never even gave it a thought. As the lovely Ms. Megan stated earlier " the child is important and what you wear isn't " is very true.

[AZShoeNut]

I'm with you on this one. There are unique challenges in rearing an adopted child that don't come with rearing one's own biological offspring:

--the child will experience abandonment from his/her existing caretakers at some point. A young child does not have the past reference points to analyze challenging life events as being temporary, impersonal, and isolated. The event of abandonment will be traumatic for the young child, requiring special emotional sensitivity on the part of future caretakers.

--the child will not grow up with a biological sense of belongingness. People who grow up in their biological families take foregranted the importance of a biological sense of belongingness: your hands look like your dads, you got your mom's artistic talents, you have the ears of your grandpa. These biological mirrors inherently create a non-verbal state of emotional belongingness among biological bretheren. This will not exist for an adopted child, no matter how alike the adopted parents look.

--the child will not be encouraged to mourn the loss of it's original parents. Society today celebrates the adoption process in terms of what the child GAINS. And gain indeed it usually does. But LOSE it does as well, and a full picture of adoption is better than a biased one the world currently promotes about the adoption triad. Imagine if you lost your wife? It'd be traumatic. But as an adult, you could reason the event would be impermanent, you'd have reference points from your history to draw on, you'd know you wouldn't be sad forever. In fact, friends and family would run to you to help you grieve and mourn the loss--an essential element to recovery. Adopted children experience the exact same loss, but it's far more tragic because no one helps the adoptee mourn the loss of it's biological bretheren and roots. Instead, the child is told to just be thankful that it has a new lease on life and that's enough. There is a loss as well, not just a gain.

A very important thing to consider. I would, however, offer that this issue is a function of age. If you are taking an infant home from the hospital, one whom you were the first to hold then the issue is much leas than when adopting a toddler or older child.

[krazyhusband]

We are thinking between the ages of new born to 6 years old. Little about me, i have been wearing heels since i have been 8 years old. I am now 38. We have talked about not mentioning it, but they also do home inspections, so that would mean i would have to put them all away. Im ok with that. Another question, how does one introduce to a child that their new dad wears heels.

[meganiwish]

Another question, how does one introduce to a child that their new dad wears heels.

Just don't make a deal of it. Children regard everything new as the new normal. When you're six, everything's new.

[chrisinkilts]

Yep, the good old home inspection: Is there a house? Can I stop and see it? You have a fridge with food, four walls, a roof and some toys. Ok, thanks. That's about all we had for a home inspection 3 times. They want it to sound scary, its not and they don't even look in all the rooms.

[kneehighs]

A very important thing to consider. I would, however, offer that this issue is a function of age. If you are taking an infant home from the hospital, one whom you were the first to hold then the issue is much leas than when adopting a toddler or older child.

Emotions aren't linear and it's precisely this line of thinking that mitigates the the true sense of loss and abandonment that truly surrounds the adoption process. Adoption is based on loss as much as gain. The parents lose the ability to conceive their own biological offspring. The birth mother is separated from her biological offspring. And the child loses it's biological heritage.

Emotions aren't linear, meaning the less time the baby had to connect with it's birth mother while outside of the womb, the less the feeling of abandonment.

There's also a growing body of evidence regarding prenatal bonding. Babies form an emotional bond with the birth mother while still in the womb and that bond is emotionally as strong as the bond between grown adults, if not stronger. An unborn infants emotions while in the womb are just as valid and powerful as a mature adults while in a relationship. In fact, they are more powerful because the unborn infant has no critical reasoning skills to curb the emotional experience. Everything to the unborn infant and newborn is an emotional whirlwind of learning, discovery, and enlightenment and personalization of that experience.

[AZShoeNut]

Not to stray too far off topic, in an adoption of a new born, I would encourage the adoptive parents to spend as possible with the birth mom/parents and to build a strong a relationship with her as possible. When our son was born the time we spent in the hospital with our birth mom and our son was magnificent. I truly believe that he felt and continues to feel the love from all three of us. We tend to beleive that we will be very keen on his emotions and do all that we can to love and support him through whatever might come his way. As Kneehighs points out, be ready for the emotional needs of the child including those that aren't popularly supported such as being ready to handle the greiving of loss. We have learned about the moments when the child is becoming aware of adoption. There is no clear path as to how to address any of these issues. We are taking the perspective that we want to learn as much as we can and then to trust our intuition and to come from love as our little one experiences some of the emotional hills that adopted children face that perhaps other children do not. Back towards the questions of the OP, I think that whether you bring up you interest in shoes or not is a hard judgement call to make. All of the home inspections and meetings with our counselor/coordinator were for the purpose of allowing her to gather the information necessary to produce a report for the court that informs the court whether or not the adoptive parents are emotionally, physically, and financially able to make good parents. A couple times she pointed out to us, in so many word, was that anything for which we have a right to do cannot keep a judge from approving an adoption. Further she pointed out that the only thing that has kept a couple from being approved for adoption was hiding a criminal record. An example she used was a couple with whom the husband had been busted for marajuana posession several year prior to the adoption. The fact that he did not discolse that when asked about prior problems with the law is what got that couple turned down for adoption. Had he included that information in the beginning then they likely would have been approved. Don't worry about the home inspections. Make sure your home is clean and basically tidy and plan to have a comfortable and friendly conversation over coffee. They will walk through the house however they basically just glance at everythign. If you are good people who are emotionally, physically, and financially able to be parents who want to be parents then you should have nothing to worry about.

[Guest]

My daughter has grown up with it. Now I don't wear pumps, sandals Or anything so obvious. Mainly some type of boot, and I am not So obvious about. I keep them covered jjust like I am out in public. When I am out with her it is even more coservative or nothing. She has never said a word. Does this have anything to do with the fact that as a kid she always walked Around on her tip toes and we thought she would be in heels all the time But prefers not to wear the, I don't know. She is very active. Horses and outside All the time. What kids grow up with is not out of the ordinary to them. Look at kids that Grow up with famous parents. Being in the spot light is the norm.