kneehighs Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I'm going to write a bit about the foundational emotions that we struggle with as heelers: 1. Shame--how to replace shame with core self esteem 2. Embarassment--how to replace self jugemental statements that result in embarassment with self administered compassion and acceptance 3. Rejection--how to replace feelings of rejection with feelings of esteem 4. Anxiety--how to truly feel safe instead of practicing outdated "overthinking" beliefs 5. Loneliness--how to replace a desire to protect from pain with an intent to learn how to love yourself so you can love others 6. Helplessness over others--others can't control how you feel and think and behave, so you can't control others either. At the most basic psychological level, it's these emotions that appear to be sticking points to fully integrated heeling for most aspirational freestylers. Hopefully as time (and my motivation) permits, I'll be able to address these 6 emotions. Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Shoe Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 That's all fine and good but: The MASTER Resource? Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 That's all fine and good but: The MASTER Resource? :smile:Marketing hype Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilikekicks Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Kneehighs : It might be a good idea to post something like that but, unfortunately.. I think it boils down to personality more then any ' emotions '. There are people whom can just walk into ANY room/party/festival and liven the place up. Then there are those whom walk into the same room and everyone says ' Dammit! Why did they have to show up? '. I dont believe its really ' emotional ', but how we project ourselves more then anything. Most of what you have put into your list is common for some, but not for folks like Shafted, Myself, JeffB.. I think what happens is we finally say ' whatever! ' and just dont care what anyone elses opinions are. We figure out just ' who we really are ' and we become comfortable with it. I can ( and have ) worn whatever I have wanted to wherever I go outside of my own being polite and not wearing my work clothes ( they get really covered in muck! ), most people have come to the understanding that ' Ilk just wears whatever he wants to and doesnt give a crap what anyone thinks. Cant stop him, hes not doing anything offensive, why bother him? '. I think its more ' personality ' then emotion mate. REPEATEDLY ARGUMENTATIVE, INSULTING AND RUDE. BANNED FOR LIFE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 SHAME: FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS Shame as a feeling is the feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Something wrong for just existing. It's distinct from guilt in that guilt says we've done something wrong, shame says there is something wrong with us. Guilt says we made a mistake, shame says WE ARE a mistake. Shame makes us feel wrong at the core and can affect other parts of our lives besides heeling. But why do we choose to feel shame to begin with? We all know it's detrimental to ourselves, so why do we continue to feel it? My opinion is that shame enables us to feel a sense of control over others and protects us from other feelings that we still haven't learned to manage. With regards to shame giving us a sense of control over others, what's important to notice is that shame as a feeling is caused by the false belief that says, "I am inadequate, I am unworthy, I am unimportant." For many, these false beliefs originated in childhood or some past traumatic experience, where the desire to make sense of the world resulted in distorted thinking about ourselves. Feeling ashamed of ourselves actually served to give us a feeling of control over others. We reasoned emotionally that if we are the cause of other's disapproving or rejecting behavior, then we can still have control over their feelings about us. If we believe there is something wrong with us at our core, then we can just fix it or change it until other's will finally approve or love. It's misappropriation of the law of cause and effect, which is totally understandable since for many, shame originated in childhood when our critical reasoning faculties weren't fully developed. As adults, it's easy to see the inherent flaws in that line of THINKING, but for some, it's not so easy to integrate our FEELINGS with our thoughts. For some of us, it's easier to stay in our emotional comfort zone of shame, than it is to move into the more emotionally healthy place of accepting our feelings of helplessness over other's feelings about us. And when we are helpless over someone else's feelings, we must also face our loneliness, because in essence, we realize our feelings are not connected by cause and effect to others. Shame also protects us from feeling other emotions that I believe, are essential to normal human existence. Feeling helpless over others emotions about us is normal, because the reality is that we have zero control over others. In childhood, helplessness over our caretakers could literally have resulted in our death. We did everything we could to preserve their care. Helplessness was a very powerful feeling, that became deeply ingrained in our growing bodies. And as our body grew, some of those feeling reactions became neurologically embedded in our physiology. In many cases, these reactions based on outdated beliefs repeat themselves into adulthood. So to protect from the onslought of potentially painful emotions we haven't yet learned to manage, we avoid by PROTECTING ourselves. And by staying in our comfort zone of shame, we are protecting ourselves from other feelings that are in fact, essentially normal: loneliness, helplessness over others, and heartbreak of not being loved by others. Some of us became addicted to a feeling of false control over others feelings about us. The fact of the matter is that they have 100% free will to be open or closed to us. Some will be closed to our heeling, others will be open. Some girls will be open to being in relationships with us, others won't. Some people will love us for who we really are, others won't. When we accept that we can't control others feelings about us, we are in the right direction towards integrating our feelings with our thoughts. It's at this stage where we recognize our essential aloneness. Aloneness and the accompanying feeling of loneliness is inevitable in this world. How we choose to deal with these feelings is 100% our choice. I doubt any of us would walk by an abandoned puppy on the street and want to give it no love or affection. Yet, that is often what we do when we cover up our core emotions with shame. Instead of feeling lonely and working through it, instead of feeling helpless over others and working through it, we abandon that core aspect of who we are by covering it up with shame. Once we learn to have compassion and tenderly love ourselves just as we would a newborn infant or an abandoned puppy, we will have much more inner peace. Once we move our INTENT from one to protect ourselves from feelings of helplessness over others opinions of us to an intent to learn to love ourselves so we can love others, shame will lose it's power. Once we learn to let go of the need to control others love and approval, and move instead into an intent to learn how to have compassion on ourselves, shame will lose it's power. How we learn to love ourselves is largely in an individual matter. For me, I went all the way to myself being a cell. "I'm worthy of that miracle" In fact, I was a miracle before I was even born. I started as a cell. My eyes miraculosuly evolved from sockets. My fingers and toes miraculously evolved from paddles. I was born to be a miracle. The more I realize the miracle of my existence, the more I move away from an intent to protect myself and move towards an intent to learn about how to love myself and others. Ultimately, I've realized my major life purpose is to learn to love myself so I can love others. Everything else fortunately more easily starts to fall into place. And that includes a trip to Paris and Stockholm next week! Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. 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Dr. Shoe Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 :smile:Marketing hype LOL Are you trying to write a self help book or something? Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 LOL Are you trying to write a self help book or something? I think Tara's being subtle Al Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 LOL Are you trying to write a self help book or something? book? How about an entire series of bookS. NYTIMES bestsellers too. Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roniheels Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I'm going to write a bit about the foundational emotions that we struggle with as heelers: 1. Shame--how to replace shame with core self esteem 2. Embarassment--how to replace self jugemental statements that result in embarassment with self administered compassion and acceptance 3. Rejection--how to replace feelings of rejection with feelings of esteem 4. Anxiety--how to truly feel safe instead of practicing outdated "overthinking" beliefs 5. Loneliness--how to replace a desire to protect from pain with an intent to learn how to love yourself so you can love others 6. Helplessness over others--others can't control how you feel and think and behave, so you can't control others either. At the most basic psychological level, it's these emotions that appear to be sticking points to fully integrated heeling for most aspirational freestylers. Hopefully as time (and my motivation) permits, I'll be able to address these 6 emotions. Kneehighs, I like your observations. I wanted to take time to respond based on my own personal feelings and experience: 1. Shame - I really have never felt shame from wearing high heels at any time in my life. I've always felt special when I wore a pair of high heels privately or in public. 2. Embarrassment - Even when it seemed someone was trying to embarrass me when wearing high heels, I have always just blown it off and proudly moved om. 3. Rejection - Again, I have never cared about those that have rejected me wearing high heels (some experiences were painful, though). If you are not happy with yourself and what you do, what's the point? 4. Anxiety - There have been times when I was surrounded by those who I thought might take (possibly violent) exception with me wearing high heels and confront me in such a manner. That really hasn't happened. 5. Loneliness - Thanks to High Heel Place, and friends and family that support me wearing high heels, that too is not a problem. 6. Helplessness over others - I agree with your observation. Thank you for posting this thread and I'm sorry I'm late for responding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tallshoes Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 years ago it used to bother me but at my age i could care less , maybe they can take my birthday away and i can enjoy high heels longer in my life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekHeels Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Thanks kneehighs, that's very thought-provoking. What follows isn't intended as criticism, but simply thoughts and reflections. Firstly I think shame, as well as being an intrinsic sense of inadequacy; can also be an extrinsic shame at how others might perceive us even though we feel good about ourselves. For sure it's not so black and white, there is the cyclic "cause and effect" where social attitudes and conditioning can shape our personal criteria for self-respect. While "we can't control others feelings about us", how we feel about ourselves can influence how we interact as part of a community and wider society. In this sense our intrinsic attitudes and can to an extent influence the extrinsic reactions of those around us. While shame as a retreat into a protective shell of helplessness does fit the notion of a "powerful" male wearing heels to escape responsibilities or even seek a feeling of shame/humiliation, many guys choose to wear heels as a positive and aspirational expression. These are very different relationships with shame. Shame isn't necessarily entirely detrimental: it can be constructive when our feelings of shame allow us to empathise with the sense of shame we might inflict on others, and guide us towards a more compassionate interaction with them. If you like it, wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gudulitooo Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I don't know if it is accurate as an emotion, but rather than the feelings you described, for me the most difficult is self conciousness. Last week while I was shopping in heels, there was "Creep" from Radiohead on the radio... Coincidence ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 EMBARASSMENT: WHEN WE JUDGE OURSELVES Finally I have another free moment to follow up on this thread. What is embarassment? It might be when we feel self-conscious for wearing heels for the first time around our "alpha male" guy friends. "They'll think I'm weak or fragile for wearing women's high heels." It might be when we feel that Real Men don't wear heels around others because Real Men are supposed to always outwardly symbolize Strength as our culture defines strength and delicate stilettos just don't do that. It's when we feel self-conscious that we aren't supposed to look delicate and vulnerable, because looking delicate is weakness. It may come when we experience fear for symbolizing downward assimilation in a patriarchal society. Whatever the reasons for embarrassment are, they are largely personal and the list could be endless. However, how that embarrassment takes root in our lives remains the same from person to person: when we say something to ourself that is judgemental in nature, we feel embarrassed. "I'm a real man and I shouldn't feel feminine or look delicate" or "Real men should be the way society wants them to be, not the way I want to be." And from there, embarrassment can actually lead to even broader more destructive beliefs about ourselves like, "I don't deserve to wear heels around others because I don't deserve to be myself" Ultimately, embarassment finds it roots in self-judgement instead of self-acceptance. What you say to yourself though is always a choice. The struggle is that we want to be right and since we have learned limiting beliefs about us that support embarrassment, we adhere to those beliefs in pursuit of being right instead of just being ourselves. The cure for embarrassment ultimately lies in learning how to accept ourselves. How we choose to learn self-acceptance is up to us as individuals. Well emotionalized affirmations like, "even though others may think I don't look like a real man for wearing stilettos around them, I accept and prize myself anyway" is an example. The key is emotionalize self-acceptance. Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kikepa Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I envy you, Kneehighs! I've yet to heel out amongst my male friends. I've only gone out alone, and so doing, I feel very alone. I do so anyway because I am me. I've looked for a local support group, but they're apparently non-existent. Thus, I heel alone. Those who really care about us don't make a fuss about what we wear. Those who make a fuss about what we wear really don't care about us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 I envy you, Kneehighs! I've yet to heel out amongst my male friends. I've only gone out alone, and so doing, I feel very alone. I do so anyway because I am me. I've looked for a local support group, but they're apparently non-existent. Thus, I heel alone. Hi kikepa! I'm familiar with being alone and the feelings of loneliness that can ensue. When alone, I think tapping into one's higher power often helps in situations like this. Just getting out and enjoying others social company often helps too. But the challenge is wearing heels while doing so. My theory is that the deepest emotional reason that keeps most guys from wearing heels around others -- and it may or may not apply in this situation-- is based on outdated shame based thinking that we often learned from some earlier life event. That outdated thinking is emotionally driven since as kids we don't know how to apply rigorous cognitive analysis to life events, we default to emotional reasoning. That emotional reasoning establishes a false cause and effect between the self statements "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it, I'm not worthy, I don't deserve it" and whatever rejection or abandonment occured during the event. In some cases, our ego driven self values being right more than it does being happy, so we continue proving our old outdated beliefs right over time, instead of challenging them. It becomes a comfort zone. I'd certainly chill with you over a beer and I'm sure others would too, with you in heels. Have a good weekend! Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve63130 Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Good analysis, Kneehighs, and it makes a lot of sense. The demons in our heads were planted at an early age and we never challenged them until we wanted to get out in public wearing heels. Then we wonder what the fuss was all about. Kikepa, add me to your invitation list if you're interested in a good discussion over a cold beer or two. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gudulitooo Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Hi Kneehighs, Very interesting analysis ! I was wondering if the natural selection had anything to play into this analysis, how its implication has evolved within centuries, and how much it depends on the social context. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekHeels Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I've only gone out alone, and so doing, I feel very alone. I do so anyway because I am me. It took me a while to think about this. I heel alone in public and asides from those rare and wonderful moments when it's a conversation starter, most of the time I do feel a kind of distance from everyone around me like they don't feel comfortable talking to the wierd guy in heels. I try to look at it positively, those who are approachable or show a pleasant reaction are the ones worth interacting with, so I try not to worry about if others can't quite get their heads around it yet, and just focus on being polite and friendly and making a positive impression of guys in heels. Maybe this is also a flip side to the "emotions" topic - I mean our awareness for the emotions that others (be they loved ones or members of the publc) experience when they encounter guys in heels. Sure we sometimes need a little of the "stuff what everyone else thinks" attitude, but not to the point that it hinders rather than helps our interactions with people. If you like it, wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyinHeels Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 kneehighs, You get the Shakespeare articulation award of the day! Very astute observation and reasoning that explains 98% of the problems we have in the world. We all, each one of us, must fight to get out of the cocoon we have built around ourselves to take our rightful place in the world. kikepa, I sure understand what you mean! I have greatly expanded the places where I wear heels but really long to share the day, or even an hour or two with anyone of you as it would add so much more to the experience. I guess we all have to do our best to try and meet each other by however means possible. Just know we are with you in spirit every step of the way! HappyinHeels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kneehighs Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 It took me a while to think about this. I heel alone in public and asides from those rare and wonderful moments when it's a conversation starter, most of the time I do feel a kind of distance from everyone around me like they don't feel comfortable talking to the wierd guy in heels. I try to look at it positively, those who are approachable or show a pleasant reaction are the ones worth interacting with, so I try not to worry about if others can't quite get their heads around it yet, and just focus on being polite and friendly and making a positive impression of guys in heels. Maybe this is also a flip side to the "emotions" topic - I mean our awareness for the emotions that others (be they loved ones or members of the publc) experience when they encounter guys in heels. Sure we sometimes need a little of the "stuff what everyone else thinks" attitude, but not to the point that it hinders rather than helps our interactions with people. I always love reading your posts as there always seems to be a theme of empathy present through them. I'd guess you to be a natural empath (of course I could be wrong). Feminine Style . Masculine Soul. Skin In The Game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleekHeels Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I always love reading your posts as there always seems to be a theme of empathy present through them. I'd guess you to be a natural empath (of course I could be wrong). Well, I can see why you'd say that Seriosuly, I think it's probably a reaction to how supportive and encouraging this forum is, we all have such different experiences of heels but we share a common understanding and respect (even when we disagree) and that's pretty cool. Thanks for the thought-provoking topics. If you like it, wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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