Will she accept this?

[wood&metal]

I've been through this in the past, as I'm sure many of you have.. Back in late January I met a wonderful woman at an event out of town, by way of some mutual friends.. We hit it off immediately, and even though we live 1600? miles apart, we started seeing each other soon after (weekend trips, ect.)... This is much of the reason I have'nt posted much in the last few months.. There have been a few bumps in the road which have caused us to stop seeing one-another (nothing to do with heels...yet), but we both throw out hints that we should make another attempt.. She's gone so far as to mention Marriage recently, as in, "well, if you'd marry me"....... I'd damn near ask her too.... But!.. I'm finding her to be pretty conservative in that I don't think she would accept me in heels... She does'nt seem too accepting of anything out of "the norm".. Me in low heel cowboy boots is ok... But anything more seems doubtful... I told my former girlfriend back many years ago at the very first stages of our relationship, and I was shocked when she said she was ok with it... A very uncomfortable issue to discuss...Up to that point, she was really the only person I had ever disclosed the heel thing with... Today I'm at, or even past, the point where I need to disclose this issue with someone I really care about, yet I'm so much more uncomfortable discussing this with her and I'm afraid of not only loosing her, but loosing her as a friend as well... Do I keep to myself and maintain the friendship as-is?.... Do I disclose all and possibly loose all?... aaccckkk!....

[ShockQueen]

If you're not up-front and honest with her from the get-go, it WILL bite you in the rear later, unless you're willing to give up heeling entirely.

[xaphod]

Hi, W&M,

Brass tacks time. If she won't accept it, your relationship is down the tubes. If you postpone telling her, it will be even more down the tubes !

If she does accept it, your relationship will be the stronger for it. Some of my female acquaintences (erstwhile lovers) whom I'm still in contact with, now know about my heels. They all say something along the lines, "I wish you had confided in me earlier. I now ask myself the question 'what else have you not told me?' " (ye Gods .... horrendous punctuation ! )

Have a look at my entry in the similar thread below:-

http://www.hhplace.org/everybody/12635-im_mess-3.html

Good luck,

Xa

[William]

Tell her what you like. Show her how sexy you look and feel in heels. Buy some for her. Ask her how kinky she'd like your relationship to be... SO many ways to explore this interest with her -- so little time. Your agony is real and even understandable, but REALLY, you can't afford to wait on this one. If she's totally not into your heel interest, you'll need to decide whether or not to continue the relationship and/or your interest in wearing heels.

[Bubba136]

Rule Number 1 for any man that likes to wear heels! Tell any prospective mate about your heels as soon as it becomes obvious the relationship has a good possibility of developing into much more than just the normal "boyfriend/girlfriend" deal. There has been a lot of words posted concerning this subject....extensive posting. Search the archives and read what a lot of us have written on this subject, in the past. Bottom line: it's better to be truthful up front, from the beginning, because, the formula for "heartbreak" is: The longer you wait, the deeper your feelings grow= delaying revealing that part of your personality the greater heartbreak you will experience,,,,,should she not accept you in heels. And, as has been the experience with quite a few members here over the years, the cost is almost unbearable after you get married and the wife discovers your secret, and there are small children involved. So, if you are contemplating marriage, give her the opportunity at least to accept you or reject you based on the complete truth. Because, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try, you won't ever be able to stop.

[wood&metal]

My thanks to all... She and I had a short talk about it this morning on the phone... It did'nt go well... she did'nt say much after she realized I was serious, then quickly said she had to go.. I sent her 2 pictures this afternoon so maybe she can get the idea, but nothing back... I hope to hear back, but i know i probably won't... I know i should have told her earlier but untill recently, heels were the furthest thing from my mind .. My other fear is that she'll tell our friends.. I think i'm sunk...

[roniheels]

My thanks to all... She and I had a short talk about it this morning on the phone... It did'nt go well... she did'nt say much after she realized I was serious, then quickly said she had to go.. I sent her 2 pictures this afternoon so maybe she can get the idea, but nothing back... I hope to hear back, but i know i probably won't...

I know i should have told her earlier but untill recently, heels were the furthest thing from my mind .. My other fear is that she'll tell our friends.. I think i'm sunk...

I hope everything works out for the best for you. But by being totally honest with her, I believe you did the right thing. If you didn't tell her up front and she eventually found out later (maybe even catching you in high heels), that could have even been worse. Give her some time to digest this. If things don't work out, both of you should probably move on. I hope she is understanding and both of you can work toward a mutual understanding.

[FXHH]

OOPS!!! see that am too late, with what I advice I have!! my suggestion, is to tell her slowly, and NOT just drop a bomb and tell her straight out!! suggest a softer landing approach!! and that has worked for me!! understand you situation, and the fear that now she will tell the friends as well!! at least that way, ''if'' (have no doubts that they will find out now) you will now see who is your true friends and who accepts you for who you are!! self have done it a little different, although agree in principle, of being totally up front, the other side of the coin is to let someone get to know you really well, and have a good understanding of you, and then ease the story of heels slowly, dont believe in shock/drop the bomb tactics!! couz peoples(most) first reaction, men and woman is a negative one!! believe the issue needs to be explained with lots of sensitivity, before dropping the bomb!! besides the above, have never told someone outright, have allowed the relationship to grow and had a good look to see how things are going and then very slowly eased the topic over a period of months eased into the full topic of wearing heels!! worked every time for me!! there are lots of tools to help, there is the history of men in heels over centuries, there is this site to help explain and show the lady that we are quiet normal, and then there is the issue of being open minded, we are the person that they met, and after all what is heels, just a clothing accessory!! yes to many and most of us it goes to the level of a fetish, however believe nothing wrong with that..........................we all know the rest of this point!! good luck!! hope this helps!!

[wood&metal]

I have'nt heard from her, and like I'd said before, I don't think I will... I've been on pens and needles today waiting and wondering if I'd need to do any damage control with reguards to friends, but it's been quiet... Hopefully she'll have some honor and help keep my, or our, private life....private.... When I think about the things I allowed myself to overlooked in her I feel s#!t on, but at the same time I'm also relieved in some way.

[FXHH]

understand the relieved feeling!! if she now pulls away, then its her loss, and shows her narrow mindedness!! if your friends have issues with you as a result and after explaining that its only shoes, then its the same applies, their loss!! you have done nothing wrong, and after all as has been discussed many times here its just shoes!! and if people cant see past that, then they do not deserve the friendship either!! keep your head up!!

[xaphod]

I have'nt heard from her, and like I'd said before, I don't think I will... I've been on pens and needles today waiting and wondering if I'd need to do any damage control with reguards to friends, but it's been quiet... Hopefully she'll have some honor and help keep my, or our, private life....private....

When I think about the things I allowed myself to overlooked in her I feel s#!t on, but at the same time I'm also relieved in some way.

OW .... I didn't factor into my reply your mutual friends, despite the (in UK terms) huge distance that separates you.

Generally, I've found that women 'compare notes' about guys behind their backs. Your heely thing will get back to your friends via the female grapevine. It's not so bad though. I have had some pleasant encounters from girlfriends of girlfriends who have been 'referred', so to speak. Mary was one such, a friend of my oldest female friend (now 30 years since I met the latter !). If one of your other friends finds out and thinks your heel wearing is fun, you might be surprised !

Unless you have been a real sh1t about the relationship, I suspect your girlfriend will not blab spitefully to everybody about your heely thing, so I would be surprised if you have a major damage limitation job to do. More like, she will be shell-shocked by the bombshell (in her eyes) you have just dropped. Her preconceived ideas of the nature of your potential relationship have, in her terms, been shaken to the core. If she is positive about it, she will see everything else about your future life as desirable, and your heely thing as something a bit oddball, which could have been something a hell of a lot more serious. If, unfortunately, she is negative, the heely thing will domainate all other factors, and you are on a no-hope misson to recover the situation.

Its only a few days yet. I wouldn't get your hopes up too much, but if she's needing time to make up her mind as to where you and she go from here, I don't think it would help much by pestering her with phone calls and emails. By telling her, you have done the right thing. From here on out it's her call.

Good luck,

Xa

[partyshoes]

Wood & Metal, The advice that has been given thus far is good and the only thing that I would add is to give it a few more days. Speaking from experience - it took my good wife over a week to broach the topic with me again. Admittedly I did drop the bombshell which in hindsight was very poor judgement from my part. As has been pointed out, this is a private matter and I think she just needed the time to digest this on her own as its not something she wanted to discuss with her friends. When we eventually chatted again I slowed it right down and let her steer the conversation with some coaching where necessary. We discussed that they were only shoes and had no influence over sexuality etc - ultimately her fear was that she would lose her best friend and partner which was not the case. Although she has 'accepted' it, she has said that she doesn't want to be a part of it which I have to respect although I hate hiding it from her. Fast forward a year or so on and she still wont openly accept it although she did ask me to help her out by stretching her new suede pumps cos they were a little tight and she wanted to wear them out. Anyway, I've rambled enough. Long and short of it is that its early doors yet - give her more time. And my advice - if you can look her in the eyes when you have the next chat, do it. If not in person, sign up to skype and make just one call using video, it will be worth the hassle Fingers crossed - good luck

[Bubba136]

I've written about my experience in telling my wife on this forum before. You can always search the archives to read all that I've said about this subject. However, in a nut shell, I told my wife about my love for wearing women's shoes early on in our relationship. It took several weeks (almost 6) before we talked to each other after I attempted to explain what it was all about. And, after a couple of more months we reached an understanding and agreement about the entire situation. That was more than 35 years ago and we're still together. So, it seems to me that if the attraction between the two of you is really (very) strong, then she will think about the situation and eventually, if the attraction is strong enough, she will call you. You are just going to have to tough it out. But, you did the proper thing by telling her so that she can make up her mind about you based upon the entire truth.

[roniheels]

understand the relieved feeling!!

if she now pulls away, then its her loss, and shows her narrow mindedness!!

if your friends have issues with you as a result and after explaining that its only shoes, then its the same applies, their loss!!

you have done nothing wrong, and after all as has been discussed many times here its just shoes!!

and if people cant see past that, then they do not deserve the friendship

either!!

keep your head up!!

This is such good advice. If she can't and won't accept you for this, politely move on. If your friends find out and don't accept this or you, are they really your friends?

[high_55]

I believe that so far, the one thing that may have been too soon, was sending her the pictures, though i do belive that what i would do in a situation similar to yours is to pour me heart open to her, let her know you feelings for her such as marriage and the reasons why you would like to spend you life with her and then explain that as that feeling became stronger, you being true to yourself and the relationship needed for her to know about you love for heels, and give a sincere explanation of what heels mean to you. then end the letter by saying that if she doesn't answer you would understand, but it was very important for you to let her know. if she's the one for you given some time she'll maybe gather information and look for you, if not, at least you know you said what you felt, hoping for the best.

[William]

I hope she'll come to her senses and hears you out. Afterall, we're just talking shoes! Best of luck!

[Arctic]

You're better off this way. The reason is simple - you seem like a pretty nice open minded guy, she seems like an "ok" closed minded woman. Flexible nice open minded guys can live with that kind of woman, but it requires a constant investment from your end. "Can be done" doesn't mean "good deal". This doesn't have anything to do with the heels, seemingly trivial things about your football club, your corvette, your waistline, your body odor, your friends or whatever would have drained you 5 years down the road. And as said before, females grapevines might be in operation but see it as an asset.

[chris100575]

W&M: While I'm sorry that it sounds like you've lost a potential relationship, think how much worse it would have been if you'd either waited until things developed further, or if she'd found out on her own. Telling your prospective OH early on is definitely the way to go.

[wood&metal]

I talked to her the other day.. I made the call.. To my supprise, she answered.. We did'nt talk about the issue right off the bat.. Guess it was awkward for both of us.. When we got down to it, I got the questions that I figured i'd get, including the "are you gay" question.... At about the last point she made was to suggest that I "get help".... I then made it a point to tell her all the things I overlooked in her, to which she remarked that I was knit-picking and her issues are "normal"...I'll take the high road here and leave her issues out of it.... The short of it.. We're done, and I don't think there's any salvaging the friendship, which is actually fine with me...

[FXHH]

good for you!! her questions show the narrow mindedness!! good luck for future relationships and encounters!! you took a decisions based on logic and not emotions!! well done!! happy heeling!!

[xaphod]

............ the last point she made was to suggest that I "get help"........

The short of it.. We're done, and I don't think there's any salvaging the friendship, which is actually fine with me...

Yes, you did get help, you came here !

I'm sorry we didn't help with a better outcome for you, but that wasn't entirely in our hands. It was in hers though.

Keep in touch. Hopefully the next time you talk about other halves, you will have found a broader-minded g/f and, no doubt, you will make me envious !

Xa

[roniheels]

wood&metal...

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that and I admire the way you totally handled the situation. It sounds like in the long run things really worked out for the best. I hope your next encounter has a more positive outcome.

[wood&metal]

Thank you all.. I did at one time in the past have a girl who accepted the heel thing, so I know they are out there.. I told her about 3 months into it when things started to get interesting, and unfortunately the reason were not together is because the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak... There were things she neglected to tell me about her life, and some out & out lies, which led to me loosing my trust in her.... Trust & communication are EVERYTHING... Had she put all the cards on the table early on, who knows?... In the situation at hand, I know I waited too long and caused us both some unnecessary grief... I wanted to comment on the pics I emailed to her... I sent 2.. Both tasteful, both that I wear in public, and one of which she had actually seen before.. Neither picture really showed my heels much and unless you really looked close, you'd probably miss it... I'll try to upload them here.. edited: I've cropped and uploaded the 2 pics in the galleries..

[Bubba136]

Thank you all..

"unfortunately the reason were not together is because the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak... There were things she neglected to tell me about her life, and some out & out lies, which led to me loosing my trust in her.... Trust & communication are EVERYTHING... Had she put all the cards on the table early on, who knows?...

If this is so, then you should know the importance of being totally honest with any prospective partner as quickly as it becomes apparent that there is a possibility your relationship might develop into something long lasting.

Not to worry, though. There are a lot of women out there that will be supportive of you. Just be patient. One will appear when you least expect it and prove that you did the "right thing."

[FXHH]

Bubba136, makes a lot of sense, maybe just use a softer approach next time!! take your time in easing into the heels, maybe not drop the bomb!! that has worked for me every time, and was accepted every time!! if you need more on how I did it am wiling to help with my personal experiences!!

[Steve63130]

W&M, Well, it was a good learning experience, and except for a little wounded pride, you didn't get head over heels (no pun intended) in a relationship that you had trouble (as in legal or emotional) getting out of or were devastated by. Sure it stings a little but you've quickly gotten over it and now it is time to move on and don't look back. We're all your friends and you DID get help. Xa was right. So look for a better match and you'll eventually find one. It will be so much better than the last one, you'll wonder why you committed so much energy into worrying about this one! Good luck! Steve

[high_55]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out, and as everyone else, i do feel you handled it very bravely, i hope you find a partner that likes heels too, i mean of course been worn by you. best wishes

[high_55]

I think the better frame of mind is , "Will I accept this?"

If you accept yourself around women, then it doesn't matter if the women accept you or not.

The power doesn't lie in something outside of yourself, the power rests in you from the very get go. Get a hold of your own attitude towards yourself and everything else will fall into place.

couldn't have said it better.

[mtnsofheels]

Well said Kneehighs! You put that in a great context which we could all live by.

[Bubba136]

Quite right in your analysis, KH. I've always used the idea that success in any endeavor is always begins in the "minds eye." (Glad you made it back to NYC safely )