Feelings and confusion around heels

[hiddenheels]

Hello Everyone. Although I'm newly registered here, I've been reading this forum for the longest time, and have been following many of the threads. 

I am finally trying to deal with my thing with heels such that I can wear them "normally". I am getting more general confidence in life, more mature, etc, which is helping. I am hoping I can translate that to wearing heels outside. I am not comfortable with the idea of going to work in them, or having friends/family know about it. My wife has known since before we got married and there's a lot of baggage there. Although the heels were kept hidden for the longest time, she's more comfortable with them now, which is helping, although I still perceive this as walking a mine-field with her (which might or might not be true, only time will tell, so far it's all positive but the negativity between us over this topic in the last years is hard to overcome). 

Very often I think that life would be so much simpler if this need wasn't in me. But at the same time, I love it, and it gives me a great joy/thrill that I would just love to embrace to the fullest extent possible. Quite often this is very confusing. Other times I feel very sad or angry that "I cannot do this" (at least the task seems insurmountable) as freely as I wish. Other times I feel ashamed for looking so out of place. I am not interested in "ladies" cloths, just heels, and I love the look of jeans with heels, so when I wear heels it's with jeans, usually covering all but a bit of the heel. I really love that look... I feel great, and think I look great, but when I look in the mirror, again confusion, as the image doesn't match anything expected (i.e. stereotypical male/female). 

Oftentimes I'm a mixture of confused, angry, sad, etc. It's exhausting. I've been to public areas (stores, coffee shops, etc) in 3" wedges, 4" chunky-heeled booties (they are so comfortable!) and others. No bad experiences, and I remember each and every outing. Have some amazing boots, some so comfortable I want to wear them for hours. I'm hoping once I get my wardrobe figured out, I'll have more flexibility, but for now I have a few outfits which I like, and am trying to take every opportunity to wear heels outside. This comes maybe once every few weeks though... In the meantime, I'm struggling with these mixed feelings and perceptions of who I am, how I want to portray myself. 

Although I've accepted the fact that this will not change in me, I am very much struggling with how to express myself so that everyone is happy. 

I assume this is normal, but would love to hear some of your experiences regarding the inner struggle, and how you overcame it, if you did. Thanks.

[pebblesf]

Well, I think most of your feelings and emotions are something we have all experienced to some degree.  Societal norms are so deeply planted inside us, causing all the emtions/questions/guilt when we dare step outside these "rules".  It would be easy for us to say "don't worry about it"/"ignore these emotions" etc.  But, I have certainly experienced most of the feelings you describe, so I don't want to "minimize" how you feel.  These are powerful forces, only matched by our desire to wear boots/heels....Kind of an emotional "tug of war" I guess, one that is very draining for sure.  I have wasted so many years of my life with this internal struggle, years I will never get back.  It is only in the past few years, and with the help of like minded guys here, that I have made great progress overcoming these negative forces and am finally enjoying my boots publicly.  Still a lot of work to do, but I am happy with the progress I have made so far.  I too, want to wear my boots publicly, it is so liberating, and my confidence is slowly building.  Having great boots, but not being able to wear them, except for a few steps around the house is very frustrating for sure.  

Society has done an excellent job instilling doubts and questions about our self image whenever we "step outside the normal fashion box".  Wearing heels has nothing to do with our sexual preference/gender identity.  These societal "rules" are tougher on men than women for sure.  No one draws conclusions about a woman who is wearing jeans/work gear/sports gear...But, a guy wearing heels will quickly get the usual sexual labels thrown his way.  I see it the other way...A guy who has the courage to wear heels confidently in public is a trailblazer indeed, powerful, confident, and amazingly masculine.  I also think that most guys have a fascination with heels to some degree, but most don't have the courage to explore their most secret desires.

I will not assume I/we can successfully erase the job society has done on you with a few encouraging paragraphs.  I would encourage you to seek some counseling from a therapist that has experience with issues like this.  Keep the communication open with your wife, her concerns are very important also.  Keep reading posts here, you will see the vast majority of heel lovers are straight guys who love their wives....

We are here, keep talking and asking questions...Post some pictures wearing the boots/jeans you like, you will get honest responses.  But, keep in mind, that the most important thing is that you like the way you look in boots/jeans/outfit.  Keep venturing out publicly, you will feel a small confidence boost with every outing....D

[mlroseplant]

I would love to reply to this at length, but alas, it is late Sunday night, and 4:30 Monday morning is approaching rapidly. Give me a couple days to reply. Hang in there!

[Pierre1961]

Hello @hiddenheels 

i share, as many others here I think,most of your feelings. 

Except one: As you I am not interested in women clothes. I always wear my heels with jeans. Boot cut if the choice is to hide them,or skinny if not. And when I look at myself in the mirror I find the look perfect. That may not be what the other people taste. But I think then we are only facing our well known stereotypes problem. 

I don't know where you live in Canada. I will be in Toronto early November and would be happy to meet for a drink if you wish 

Pierre 

[HappyinHeels]

hiddenheels,

Thanks for finally joining the forum! Our members run the spectrum from transgender and transsexual to heterosexual men just wanting to wear heels either at home or in public. Still others, like myself, enjoy blending both more feminine clothing with mens or androgynous styles to create a look having elements of both or presenting completely as a woman. It is a transformation like in a play or movie and can do wonders for the soul. No desire to actually get an operation rather the desire to cross the boundary, enjoy a day or two or a night wearing exciting clothing in bright colours and then change back into my normal rural guy mode. What our members share in common is a the high heeled shoe and where we might wear it, what we may wear it with, and how all of this enhances our lives. What conflicts you is how society generally affords women full latitude in wearing whatever they want. They wear everything associated with women and a  lot things associated with men. They wear lots of makeup or none at all, wear heels or not, show their legs and arms or not, wear wide watches or thin watches and carry handbags of all imaginable sizes and colours whether or not their pants or dresses have pockets. By contrast men don't seem to have the same latitude. But it only seems that way. Few, if any nations outside the Islamic world. specifically prohibit men from wearing womens attire. Men simply choose not to explore their curiosity lest they catch the wrath of a bogeyman who never materializes. I have met several of our members here and have had lovely experiences with all of them. Just so you know it's not made-up internet bullcrap. I have visited mlroseplant a few times and he wears his heels everywhere in small-town Iowa and nothing bad happens. I've seen him in heels and he's seen me and so has his family. I have visited Steve63130 and his wife in Ohio several times wearing rather tall heels and a blended look as described above and had nothing but positive experiences. I have met with Cali in California twice and seen his love of heels and he's seen mine. We are office workers, people in the trades, retired law enforcement, medical personnel, factory workers, politicians, etc. None of us could explain exactly why we like heels except that it is in DNA. So, go with it!! Heels may make you a better person, a better lover, or a better friend. They will undoubtedly make more aware of fashion and perhaps make you more polite. Those are all GOOD things. If you love your partner with all your heart, respect your fellow human beings, the animals, and plants around you then high heel shoes/boots should never impede your ability to enjoy your time on This Earth. This last bit is very important. You will sort through it and figure out where you you fit into the overall scheme of things. Just do it with confidence and the world shall take note of it. Remember, the world is NOT either for or against you rather it is utterly neutral. But the world does notice and tends to respect confidence. Confident people are often successful people but success can only occur as a result of confidence in one's own ability. Ability to look into others' eyes, dress oneself to match one's mood, and stride confidently out the door and demand to be counted as an individual. You have a right to express yourself via your clothes but that right must be exercised to be enjoyed and defended. It's all up to you! HappyinHeels

 

[Pierre1961]

What you wrote is heart warming! Thank you. 

[HappyinHeels]

Je vous en prie mon ami/You are quite welcome my friend. HinH

[K2inheels]

Welcome hiddenheels!

I can understand your feelings, been through the same feelings myself. But I have walked this journey for over three years now and am now at the point where I wear me heels most everyday and wherever I go be that work, shopping, out on the town or any other outing that would be ok for the wearing of heels. Now I am passionate about men wearing heels and encouraging them to move out of the hidden world into the public world.

Unlike many of the men here I came to wearing heels late in life. The first time I wore heels was when friends of mine invited me to participate in a Walk a Mile in Her Shoes event which works to stop rape, sexual assault and gender violence. The day of the event men don a pair of red 4" pumps to walk a mile course raising money for the organizations efforts. Needless to say that the men taking part in the event are comical to watch as they struggle to walk in heels. I made it through my first walk okay, but I did have to take a couple days to let my feet heal!

After that I did a number of Walk a Mile Events as I support their mission. It was after five walks that I can to realize that I liked wearing heels, they looked good on me, and I liked the way they made me feel. So being a meticulous kind of guy, I set out to learn all I could about heels, how to walk in them correctly, size them, etc. I then practiced in my basement to master my walk and to gain a smooth walk. But after a while I found that just wearing my heels in the house was getting frustrating to me. I mean why could I not wear my heels out in public? I never found a rule or law that said men cannot wear heels. So I thought about how to best make my first foray out into public in heels alone. Where should I go, I wondered.

A shoe store! What could be better? I could look at cute heels and walk in my heels. So that was what I did. It was great and freeing! From that point I just kept wearing them more and more. Soon I was wearing the everywhere, even work. I no longer even think about what I am wearing. Putting on a pair of heels is natural now. I feel strange not wearing heels.

So my advice for you hiddenheels is to gain confidence and strength to walk in heels in public:

• Practice your walk in heels until your walk is smooth and graceful
• Make sure your shoes fit well so that you will not have to worry about them slipping on your feet
• Make your mind up that you are wearing heels for your own pleasure, happiness
• Listen to men on here that have been walking in public in heels, learn from their journey
• Take it slow, you don't have to take huge steps in this journey. Start with small walks, gain confidence and you will soon have that "light-bulb" moment where you realize that, YES, I can do this!
• Then pay it forward by encouraging and supporting other men that are starting their journey in heels.

Good luck and happy heels! Ciao!

K2inheels

[HappyinHeels]

K2inheels,

Elegant, efficient, and enhancing advice for all indeed. Thanks for your positive summary of what worked for you and how this may help others.

hiddenheels,

See how reaching out has put the kind of information and inspiration you sought right into your hand? It has now been 10 years since I joined this forum and I can affirm its enhancing effect upon my life. That's the essence of technology at its best. You don't let it run your life rather you use it to enhance the quality of that life. The forum is that "helping hand" nearly all of us need from time to time. HappyinHeels