Post Your Jokes Here

[Firefox]

Just goes to show Aussies and Kiwis should be the world leaders

...In Oz they were too pissed on the amber nectar to understand any of the question

[JeffM]

You're right Firefox. I was thinking along these lines when I said it. 31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents. 101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. 5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalectric cars. 3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue. 142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. And finally: 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet. Do you think that would be any worse? Jeff

[shyguy]

PERSONALITY TEST A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 1: It is half empty. Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 2: It is half full. Student writes 'optimist' in his report. Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."

[Mano]

"Mummy, what's a transvestite?" "Ask daddy, she'll tell you!"

[Dr. Shoe]

:rofl:

[JeffM]

Wrong Email Address....?? Oops !! A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 16 May 2002 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Bubba136]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12 Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[bluesman]

What's the difference between light and hard? . . . . . . . You can sleep with a light on.

[Dr. Shoe]

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

[nhoj62]

1st man - my dogs got no nose 2nd man - who does it smell? 1st man - orful!

[Dr. Shoe]

I say, I say, I say!

[jim]

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in > pain on the ground? > A. Shoot him again. > > > 2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? > A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose. > > > 3. Q. Why do little boys whine? > A. Because they're practising to be men. > > > 4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? > A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him. > OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about > the screwing part. > > > 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? > A. Trustworthy. > > > 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & > calling your name? > A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. > > > 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? > A.Because not one will stop and ask directions. > > > 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? > A. To stop the snoring before it starts > > > 9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? > A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. >

[Shafted]

[vector]

Why is a laundry the wrong place to find a wife? Becasue a woman who doesn't have her own washer and dryer will never be able to support you! OK, enough of the man bashing jokes.

[BlondeBimbo]

Ok doing myself an injustice here but:

Why do women get married in white?

- To match all the other appliances in the kitchen! (Ouch)

Why do women have small feet?

- So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do women wear high heels?

- So they don’t have to bother you when they need to reach the top shelf.

More appropriate are (and back to the men bashing):

Men are Like...

...placemats

they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara

they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets

they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds

they take so long to mature.

...copiers

you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps

fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts

without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels

they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons

they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts

if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns

keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

BB

[Dr. Shoe]

Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.

[Shafted]

As a man I find man bashing jokes hilarious, probably because so many of them are true.

[BlondeBimbo]

Dr. Shoe, Got me bang to rights there! At least perfume does something for the smell! - Got to go - need to order the cement mixer for my make-up. BB

[BlondeBimbo]

Some time ago, I became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that I had my hair dyed brown. A few days after, I was out driving around the countryside and needed to stop my car to let a flock of sheep pass. They were beautiful cute woolly creatures, so I asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I take one?" The shepherd said, "Ok if you can!" I don't know why, and for no discernible reason, said, "352." Would you believe it was the correct number???? Why the shepherd was understandably totally amazed, and exclaimed "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock". I carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. But when I was done, the shepherd turned to me and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, may I have my dog back?" Blondes rule KO BB

[sscotty727]

Heard a similar one...... This blonde goes into an appliance store and asks the clerk how much a certain TV is. The clerk informs her "Maddam, we don't sell appliances to blondes". She leaves in a huff, puts on a brown wig and renters. She inquires about the TV again and again, the clerk says "I told you maddam, we don't sell appliances to blondes". This time she is very upset. She goes home completely changes her make up, puts on a red wig, changes her clothes and even puts on a pair of sunglasses. No one could recognize her. She goes back in, and again gets rebuffed when she inquires about the TV "Maddam, for the 3rd time, we don't sell appliances to blondes". This times she has had enough. She asks "How did you know I am blonde?". To which the clerk responds "Because maddam, that is a microwave oven, not a TV".

[sscotty727]

Ok, sports jokes (sorry). If your not from the US, just insert any other teams you wish (of course I am a Steeler fan;) ) A plane crash landed on a mountain top and only 4 people survived. A Cowboys fan, a Redskins fan, a Browns fan and a Steelers fan. After they inventoried all the supplies, they determined there was only enough for one person to survive long enough to be rescued. Three of them would have to give their lives. After they debated long trying to decide how to select, the Cowboys fan stood up and said "Enough" and shouted "THIS IS FOR THE COWBOYS!" and jumped off the mountain. The Redskins fan wasn't to be outdone by the Cowboys fan and also stood up and shouted "HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!" and also jumped off the mountain. The Steeler fan stood up next. "THIS IS FOR THE STEELERS, THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL EVER!" and picked up the Browns fan the threw him over the mountain. -------------------------------------------- On the way home one night, two cars collided, one was a Browns fan and the other a Steelers fan. The Browns fan got out of his car and started cussing at the top of his longs and then noticed the white collar on the Steeler fan as he got out of his car. "Oh, I am so sorry father, please forgive me" he said. "Oh that is alright" the padre replied. "Atleast we are both ok and in one piece. Let's just sit and have a drink while we wait for the authorities to come" he said as he pulled a flask from his robe and handed it to the Browns fan. The guy took a large gulp and handed it back to the priest who put it back in his robe. "Hey, aren't you going to have a drink?" he ask. "Sure" he replied "Just as soon as the police bust you for drunk driving".

[jim]

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military. > It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". > The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". > Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for Regime Change". Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British for Help". > Finally, here in GB, we've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea". Our higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win". In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666. > I think it's the absolute limit myself. If these terrorist chaps have a grievance, why can't they just be like Canadians and write an angry letter to the BBC!! jim