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Here's a few starters. Boss: I love the way you roll your "Rs" Miss McDonald Secretary: It must be the high heels I'm wearrrrring, Sirrrrr! Feminist Joke: Q. Why are men like 4 inch heels ? A. They're quite easy to walk on with with a bit of practice! Yo Mamma: Yo Mamma's so fat, she goes out wearing stilettos and ends up striking oil! Yo Mamma's so fat, she goes out in stilettos and comes back wearing Kitten heels. Essex Girl/Blonde Girl: Q.Why don't Essex girls wear hoop earrings? A.They keep on getting caught up with their stilettos.

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Glad I'm not a blonde, anyhow here's the jokes I PM'd the other day. Sorry HH doesn't get a mention. SNIFFER DOG......... A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sitting in the middle,and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?" The handler replies: "He's just found a bomb!" Any managers out there: (unfortunately I'm one) We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following. IF : A = 1 J = 10 S = 19 B = 2 K = 11 T = 20 C = 3 L = 12 U = 21 D = 4 M = 13 V = 22 E = 5 N = 14 W = 23 F = 6 0 = 15 X = 24 G = 7 P = 16 Y = 25 H = 8 Q = 17 Z = 26 I = 9 R = 18 Then: H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98% Similarly, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96% But interesting (and as you'd expect), A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE. But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%! Inga :smile:

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Hi again here's another one. Subject: Cow politics FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government orders you to take harmonica lessons. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company,using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows's milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRACY Two cows are shipped to you. As they don't have proof of identity you panic and send them to a small Pacific Island. You are congratulated on having saved yourself the trouble of milking them. (For those that are not aware down here in Aus we're just having a little bit of trouble with foreign policy, in particular the processing of asylum seekers, and those in power thought it best to dump a number of these people in PNG and Nauru) Inga :smile:

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Great jokes Inga! Here's another heel one: Sarah was looking in the window of a shoe shop admiring a pair of beautiful black Italian stiletto heels, 5 inches tall and wonderfully crafted, but they were priced far more than what she could afford. The salesman saw her dilema and asked her into the shop. "You can have those shoes if you come to bed with me," he said. "Fine," Sarah replied, a glint in her eye. "But I must tell you, I don't like sex at all." The salesman gave her the shoes and he booked a hotel room. He was getting really hot watching the beautiful Sarah swaying gently around on her new stilettos. Soon they took off their clothes and jumped into bed. He humped away while she lay passively. Suddenly she threw her legs up into the air and cried: "Wonderful!...Yesssss!... Oh my God.... so beautiful!..." "I thought you didn't like sex," the salesman panted. "I don't," Sarah replied, "I'm just admiring my lovely new shoes!"

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Loved the jokes about the cows Inga. Seen written on the back of a filthy white truck in Warwickshire recently.. "I was gonna wash my truck .... but then I got high" !!! Remember the recent record in the UK charts by Afroman? Makes a change from the usual grafitti seen on white vans.

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Hiya all here's another: One of the All - Time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 11 Sept attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting." Inga :smile:

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Unfortunately the shoes don't have heels here, anyhow the joke's OK From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. Some of the submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TYRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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Another one, Lippy According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.... B) Inga :smile:

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again"

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In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating".

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

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Classic one liner esp if your not an American: Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut! B) Inga :smile:

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Beertest Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to pee, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

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More movie cliches: American high school kids are never overweight and the only ugly ones are super intelligent. A 80kg detective will always beat a 200lb trained assasin in a fight. Kids are tall enough to fly supersonic fighter jets. Police are permitted to fire indescrimently at speeding vehicles without ordering it to stop. Cars always explode in a collision, when shot at or when going over the edge of a cliff (often before they hit the bottom)! A trained assasin who has killed six different people at a range of up to two km misses the hero when stood nine metres away, and the hero ends up shooting said assasin with a handgun at a range of about a kilometer.

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Now we are heading for a european superstate, here are the characteristics that a good EU citizen should have: (apologies to our european cousins!) The humility of a Frenchman. The technical abilities of a Portugese. The organisational skills of a Greek. The flexibility of a Brit. The sense of humour of a German. The discipline of the Dutch. The work ethic of a Spaniard. To be as accessible as an Italian. To be as tolerant as a Turk. To be as straightforward as a Belgian. As open as a Swiss (I know they're not part of the EU). With a mix of all these qualities a typical European could be one amazing person!

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Hey Dr Shoe, the last one indicates you have spent some time in an international HQ when you were in the RAF. I remember we used as straightforward as a Brit, as flexible as an American, as humerous as a German, as generous as a Dutch, as sober as a Canadian and as available as a Belgian in our organisation.

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My opinion of the Dutch is they manage to be both disciplined and undisciplined at once but nearly always choose the right time for each. I think the Euro super person should learn from that. Anyway, now a "joke" .... She was only a fishmonger's daughter but she certainly liked her 'eels :smile: Just made that one up. Do you like it? Awwww come on, say you do! (OK for those whose mother tongue is not English, it's based on the old classic "She was only a fishmonger's daughter but she certainly knew her place (plaice)! ) _________________ Believe in your right to wear what you want <font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Firefox on 2002-03-22 01:24 ]</font>

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!groan! for those who know Firefox on a more personal level, he's full of these types of jokes. B) don't stop though. you're making some laugh which has to be worth it :smile:

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Advice to women: 1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Just get your backside down the gym. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up push it down. 3. Don't cut your hair, ever. It just leads to arguments when we don't notice. 4. Birthdays, anniversaries and valentine's days are not tests to see if we can find the perfect present. 5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Deal with it. 6. Saturday is sport day. Shopping is not a sport. 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 8. Subtle hints don't work, just ask for what you want. 9. Peeing standing up IS more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 10. Yes, no and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers. 11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem, see a doctor. 12. Your mother doesn't have to be our best friend. 13. The relationship is never going to be like it was in the first two months. 14. Anything that was said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. 15. It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's all that chocolate you eat.

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