Post Your Jokes Here

[JeffM]

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks to see the Manager. She's dressed to the nines, white silky blouse, black tight fitting skirt, knee length, black opaque stockings and black patent 6 inch heeled stilettoes. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $10,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $400,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $10,000 plus the interest which comes to $26.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $10,000?" The blonde replies... "Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $26.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" A smart blonde joke at last!

[shyguy]

Q: What is the definition of an engineer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand. Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

[Dr. Shoe]

A man went ballooning and got lost. He decided to descend and see if he could see any street names or road signs that would give him a clue to where he was. As he descended he saw a man out walking his dog so this is the conversation. Balloonist: Where am I? Dog Walker: You are in a basket suspended under a balloon approximate 15 feet in the air. You are approximately 51 degrees north and 2 degrees west. Balloonist: You must be an engineer! Dog Walker: How did you know? Balloonist: Well, whilst your information was factually correct it was full of technical information that was irrelevant and did not answer my question. In fact it has left me even more confused. Dog Walker: In that case sir, you must be in management. You have risen to your present position through the expenditure of a great deal of hot air. You don't know where you're going and you don't know how you got to where you are. You are unable to interpret the most basic of data and we have only just met but somehow your current predicament is all my fault!

[J-Nation]

I'm obviously of the engineering persuasion, cos I had to look up where 51N, 2W is!

http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=400096&y=122289&z=5&sv=400096,122289&st=4&tl=~&bi=~&lu=N&ar=y

(It's here for anyone else as sad as me)

Emma

[JeffM]

Thanks for the info Emma. I too had to take a look mainly because you provided the reference. I did make a gestimate though when I read it and figured that it must have been exactly where Dr Shoe was walking his dog on Wednesday. Morning or evening I dont know because you didnt tell us what time of day it was Dr Shoe. Jeff

[shyguy]

Thanks Emma, as an engineer that was important enough to view the link

[Dr. Shoe]

I'm obviously of the engineering persuasion, cos I had to look up where 51N, 2W is!

http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=400096&y=122289&z=5&sv=400096,122289&st=4&tl=~&bi=~&lu=N&ar=y

(It's here for anyone else as sad as me)

Emma

No I'm not as sad as you. I was dead chuffed to see that my made up coordinate was over dry land let alone within 40 miles of my home town!

[raccoon]

A man went ballooning and got lost.

He decided to descend and see if he could see any street names or road signs that would give him a clue to where he was.

As he descended he saw a man out walking his dog so this is the conversation.

Balloonist: Where am I?

Dog Walker: You are in a basket suspended under a balloon approximate 15 feet in the air. You are approximately 51 degrees north and 2 degrees west.

Balloonist: You must be an engineer!

Dog Walker: How did you know?

Balloonist: Well, whilst your information was factually correct it was full of technical information that was irrelevant and did not answer my question. In fact it has left me even more confused.

Dog Walker: In that case sir, you must be in management. You have risen to your present position through the expenditure of a great deal of hot air. You don't know where you're going and you don't know how you got to where you are. You are unable to interpret the most basic of data and we have only just met but somehow your current predicament is all my fault!

It's all in a day's job for Dilbert and his boss. Being an engineer myself, I've been reading this comic for years.

Dilbert could have been me...

[Bubba136]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says: "Guess we answered that question."

[sscotty727]

It's all in a day's job for Dilbert and his boss. Being an engineer myself, I've been reading this comic for years.

Dilbert could have been me...

Reminds me of another joke:

A man goes on a helicoptor tour in Seattle Washington. After they are up for a while a major storm hits. High winds, rain and visablilty is practically nill. The pilot uses all his skills just to keep them in the air. He sees a building in the distance and manuvers over to the window. Using his knees he steadies the helicoptor and writes a quick note "Where are we?" and holds it up. The people in the building look out, read the note and quickly scribble a reply. "You are in a helicoptor". The pilot smiles, turns the helicoptor and procees to land at the airport. The man is truely amazed and says to the pilot "how the heck did you figure out where to land from a simple message?". The pilot laughs back "it was easy, that is the Microsoft building. The answer, although technically correct, was totally useless".

Scotty

[Dr. Shoe]

:rofl:

[genebujold]

IF :

A = 1 J = 10 S = 19

B = 2 K = 11 T = 20

C = 3 L = 12 U = 21

D = 4 M = 13 V = 22

E = 5 N = 14 W = 23

F = 6 0 = 15 X = 24

G = 7 P = 16 Y = 25

H = 8 Q = 17 Z = 26

I = 9 R = 18

Then:

H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve

100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management,

and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

Inga

I've since turned your rather humorous post into a poster about what not to do!

[genebujold]

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

-----------------------------------------------------

1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participants' ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy."

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too."

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three."

4 to say "didn't we go through this a year ago?"

143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs."

16 to say, "I sent you a private message about light bulbs."

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 weeks from now to start it all over again

Unbelievably insightful!

[genebujold]

Here's something to curdle your stomach:

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item

-- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart

brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine,

said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University

in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. I-da-ho Grapel

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Liberty Street Red <darn I thought that was a hooker>

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

1. Nasti Spumante

Any other suggestions?

:rofl:

After having spent many years in California (and my

wife's from there), this post had us in stitches for

about five minutes!

Here are some others we've come up with:

10. Old Swindle

9. Grape' de Vino

8. Pickled Vineyard

7. Concordia

6. Dr. R.J.'s Resveratrol Justice Juice (DR^2J^2)

5. Guttersnipe Red

4. Old Belcher

3. Heavin's Believin'...

2. GutChuck

1. Swig and Blow

Recent news has it that the makers of Swig and Blow

are releasing three new lines of grape strains for

foreignors, including Swig and Blow Chunks, and Heave

Ho!

This just in: Swig and Blow manufacturers have

recently announced a plan to bring vast quantities of

previously prohibited alcohol to the Islamic

community, along with their plan to entitle their

offering as "Osama Bin LAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHDDDDDDin."

Non-alcoholic varients such as "Sedate Swallowing" and

"Tranquil Tequilla" will be made available for those

who're a more strict proponent of the Islamic faith.

Cheers!

[genebujold]

:rofl:

After having spent many years in California (and my

wife's from there), this post had us in stitches for

about five minutes!

Here are some others we've come up with:

10. Old Swindle

9. Grape' de Vino

8. Pickled Vineyard

7. Concordia

6. Dr. R.J.'s Resveratrol Justice Juice (DR^2J^2)

5. Guttersnipe Red

4. Old Belcher

3. Heavin's Believin'...

2. GutChuck

1. Swig and Blow

Recent news has it that the makers of Swig and Blow

are releasing three new lines of grape strains for

foreignors, including Swig and Blow Chunks, and Heave

Ho!

This just in: Swig and Blow manufacturers have

recently announced a plan to bring vast quantities of

previously prohibited alcohol to the Islamic

community, along with their plan to entitle their

offering as "Osama Bin LAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHDDDDDDin."

Non-alcoholic varients such as "Sedate Swallowing" and

"Tranquil Tequilla" will be made available for those

who prefer a more strict path towards the Islamic faith.

Cheers!

[Robert]

Family Problems !!! Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation." "A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law." "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.""This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!" "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!

[Dr. Shoe]

Eh?

[Bubba136]

Found this on the Internet earlier today. Reminds me of AnitaC: Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...holy shit...what a ride"

[genebujold]

Hi, Robert - perfectly logical, albeit a "step" behind reality!

[jim]

When I was in my late teens and went to allot of family weddings and engagement parties, my old Aunts would pinch my cheeks hard and say "You're next Jimmy!"

I grew tired of this real quick, but it soon stopped when I started doing it back to them.....at funerals.

jim

(just kidding)

[JeffM]

Good one Jim :rofl: :rofl:

[Dr. Shoe]

When I was in my late teens and went to allot of family weddings and engagement parties, my old Aunts would pinch my cheeks hard and say "You're next Jimmy!"

I grew tired of this real quick, but it soon stopped when I started doing it back to them.....at funerals.

jim

I once had a bad experience at a funeral...

... I caught the bouquet!

[JeffM]

Dr Shoe Surely that would be better than being left for dead in a hole at wedding.

[jim]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. jim

[genebujold]

I hope he threw the book at her! Scaring four young men half to death like that!

No, seriously, I hope he let them off - mistakes do happen, and I for one am sick of seeing innocents do jail time because judges have become inept at separating wilful wrongdoing from honest mistake.

Remind me of the time I hopped in my car and backed out, only to spot several things in the car that weren't mine, and several things missing that were. I pulled back into the spot, and opened the glove compartment about the time the owner banged on the window and demanded that I "get the **** out of [his] car!"

I did - immediately!

Fortunately, I neither looked nor sounded like the car-jacking type, and was able to spot my own car one row over, pointing to it and the key and saying, "limited number of keys made - sorry!"

At that point, he calmed down and became intrigued - still very distrusting, though, until I invited him to try and unlock my own car. When he was able to do so, he laughed, said "I'll be damned," and we chatted for a while about car-jacking in Vegas before we each went our separate ways.

Now - what would have happened if both our interiors were clean, and I'd driven the wrong car home only find police knocking on my door several hours later. Would they have charged me? If I'd been so charged, would the judge have given me a prison sentance, adhering strictly to the letter of the law?

The police can apply the letter of the law! Who needs judges?

We do - they're the ones who ensure that justice is appropriately applied given all facts surrounding a situation - that the final decision adheres to the spirit of the law, that their judgement is best for society as a whole.

All this reminds me of another story - this time about ten years ago, when a lady judge came knocking on my door, asking for me to vote for her re-election (judges in that county were voted, not appointed). As it turns out, she was the same one who sided with a cop who erroneously claimed I was doing 55 in a 35 zone (conveniently at the "20 mph" mark justifying a charge of reckless driving). He'd failed to save the reading, however, probably because he never actually too it! It was towards the end of the month, and I don't believe that "we don't have quotas for handing out tickets!" crap.

I told the judge the truth, that I was doing 42 in the 35 zone, and that I deserved the appropriate fine. She basically said, "thanks for playing the game, I'm deciding you did 49 in the 35 zone."

At that, she asked me if I had any final words....

Here's what I said:

"Your Honor? May I ask you a question?"

"Yes, go ahead."

"You decided I was doing 49 in a 35 zone, yet the officer claimed I was doing 55, while I know, because I was looking at the speedometer, that I was doing 42.

"I have two questions, actually. First, how could you possibly decide how fast I was going when you weren't even there? Second, who, in your professional opinion, is more able to accurately read a speedometer - a two-year rookie nine years my junior with perhaps 1/3rd as much driving time as I have, or a licenced, 500+-hour pilot who's been trained to read instruments such as those measuring velocity because if he doesn't, the airplane falls out of the sky?

"I'm asking you, your honor, to side with sound judgment, and factual reasoning."

She let her decision stand.

And it was she who was knocking on my door. I don't think she recognized me, for she launched right into her spiel. About 15 seconds into it, I said, "Ma'am, with all due respect to your position of authority, how in the world am I supposed to vote for a judge who was unable to ascertain the difference between fact and fiction, particularly with respect to the case over which you presided, accusing me, and fining me, for travelling faster than I was actually travelling? Do you have any idea, Ma'am, how many hundreds of dollars your error in judgement is costing me in terms of insurance?"

She was taken aback, and looked most apologetic, so I hit the home run, pointing to my "NO SOLICITING" sign, and adding, "besides, your Honor, how am I supposed to vote for someone who ignores the law? In this county, the failure to observe a "NO SOLITICING" sign is grounds for trespassing! Would you like me to call the police?"

She looked incredibly confused, flustered, etc., but she wasn't moving, so I pressed my advantage.

"Your honor, I'm willing to overlook this transgression, provided you reverse your early decision 8 months ago and commute the judgement from 49 in a 35 zone to 42 in a 35 zone."

She regained some of her composure, probably after she realized I wasn't out to snatch her career away from her, and said, yes, of course. If you'll stop by the courthouse Tuesday afternoon, around three, I'll take care of the matter.

She did!

I still didn't vote for her, but she won the seat again anway.

[Bubba136]

One thing about a candidate that wins the election. They can't really tell who voted for them. LOL By the way, regarding almost driving a car away that looks identical to yours, my wife called me one day from the base commisssary with the news that her key wouldn't work in our car and would I bring my set of keys to her so she could drive home. When I got to the car, I took one look and told her that our car was parked a couple of rows away. (and no, I haven't ever mention the event to her again )

[genebujold]

Clever! You'd make a good ambassador, the definition of which I like the most is "someone who has mastered the art of saying nothing in a way that's most pleasing and reassuring to one's hosts."

[Dr. Shoe]

When I was married to my Kylie look-a-like I took the car down to the local shopping centre to visit the bank and do some errands. I parked outside the bakery and went in, then I went to the bank and after that the chemist and on returning to the parking area I couldn't see my car. After a minute or so of frantic searching I decided to go and check the car park, not there. On returning to the front of the bakery I saw a policeman coming toward me so i told him what had happened. I also went to the phone box to give Pam a call to tell her the news and to get her to come and pick me up. She asked me what I was talking about as my car was parked in the drive and I had taken hers, as she said this I could see it across the road exactly where I had left it! A friend of mine was a bit of a scally in his younger days and used to steal a car, drive around until he found an identical make and model, swop them over and then wait until the owner returned and tried to get into "his" car!

[azraelle]

Got this from a low-carber forum ('tis a bit risque, if only by inference, hope no one minds): A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

[Bubba136]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: