Meeting women - when to discuss that thing we do

[radiodave]

I'm curious. Now being back in the single position again, I have a dilemma. The ex-wife was a rare find, and we both agreed that the right people come into our lives at the right times. She was cool with me exploring high heels, and she agrees they are part of who I am. Since she wasn't as big into heels, she agrees I ought to find someone who likes heels as much as I do. She's also quick to remind me that if I keep a positive outlook that I'll meet the right person, then that person will come along when the time is right. Now the tricky part. Let's say once I start looking again (not ready yet), how and when does one cross the bridge of "hey, I'm a guy who likes to wear heels"? Granted, I think it's a foregone conclusion that if whoever comes along, she's going to have to accept it, but I'm not sure whether to get that out at the very beginning (like before we've met), or after we've met and established that neither is a psychopathic axe murderer. On the one hand, if you get it out of the way early, then little time is wasted if she's not cool with it, and prospects are looking good after that. The ex-wife thinks I should gauge how she might be with it by asking the right kinds of questions to gauge how open minded she is first, and if she doesn't seem very open minded then the cat's still in the bag and no problem. I have a feeling that being very up-front about it might not work so well, since the ex-wife admitted it took a little getting used to initially. Guess my analogy is like building a campfire; if you get a little fire going and put lots of big logs on too soon, you'll put it out. But if you add little bits at a time, you'll have a good fire. One thing's for sure; if she starts spending some time at my house, there's going to be some 'splaining to do if she looks in the closet too soon! What's everyone's take on the whole thing? I guess reading the polls we've had, it's very mixed as far as how S/Os accept it. I certainly envy the ones whose wives/girlfriends encourage them to wear heels, buy shoes together, and so on. You guys are lucky!

[johnieheel]

Well Dave as you know, I'm pretty open and right up front with my passion for heels. Thats , what I think, is the best policy. Just casually bring it into the conversation about likes and dis likes when you first meet. Thats my opinion.

[gwl1]

Wear heels on your first meeting so she can see you're confident wearing them. Confidence is sexy to a LOT of women. Then she can accept you or reject you right off the bat. Heels are very important in your life, so put that priority up front, because it will surface sooner or later, so no sense getting involved with someone who is going to have a difficult time with them. Don't waste a lot of time. Life's short. If you're going fishing, stack the odds in favor of catching a good one, and sooner rather than later! Just my opinion. GWL

[chris100575]

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule, but early on is definitely for the best. Before my GF and I met for the first time face to face I'd made my mind up to tell her about my heels early on before things got too serious, but whenever I felt comfortable with bringing it up. It turned out to be on the day we met, and she was fine about it. I think your ex has a point, try and gauge how open minded she is first. For me, the time just felt right on that first day. Chris

[tom]

Go to the Mall hang around the shoe stores like 9-west when you see someone trying on or wearing high heels, compliment them and make conversation about them wearing high heels....when you go fishing you want to go where the fish are!!! good luck

[Maximilian]

I agree that telling the woman you are dating about your interest in high heel fashion early on is a must.

How early? Well, that's the 64,000 question. I'd say that definitely during the first few dates. Obviously you'll be looking for an open minded person. As your ex wife recommended, find out how open minded she is as early as possible.

Personally, if we're talking about a woman you've just met, I'd avoid telling her on the first date, open minded or not. A first date is usually more formal/get to know a person in general. She, as well as you, are processing the info you've been given as well as both sides being a bit nervous, even uncomfortable since we're talking about a first date. If there is chemistry between the two of you, she seems to like various things about you and that you've established that she is open minded, then I'd bring it up on the second date in a casual way but I wouldn’t wear my heels to that date.

Like others have said, make sure you sound relaxed and confident when you bring it up. If she'd say that she thinks it's weird but not in a negative tone, I'd joke around and agree (say something that shows her that you are able to laugh at yourself) but make her understand how harmless it is. Try convincing her that it's weird and quirky, but in a cool way. It might convince her that you're very confident in being you in public (lots of points for you in her book) and that you don't take yourself too seriously (another trait many women look for). Better yet, if you have a very technical-grey job, wearing heels will give you the aura of a more artistic person, hence a more complex and interesting guy.

If she's still interested after the casual and convincing talk of yours, only then I'd wear the heels out on a date with her. Don't over do it in the beginning, i.e, make sure the first image she has of you in heels is a conservative one. Block heels, blade heels with square toe, only heels in black/brown colors etc. After she gets accustomed to see you in them (don't forget to match the heels with the total outfit look!), I'd proceed to show her your entire heel collection. That way, even your more feminine-flashy heels won't be so "in her face" (unless all your heels are over the top lol).

I also suggest never to bring up the heels subject in an obsessive manner, unless she is fascinated and she brings it up. Make her understand that for you, they're just another style of shoes that you enjoy wearing.

Ultimately, it will come down to her confidence and self esteem, not yours. If she is confident enough to be around her partner in public, regardless of other peoples' opinions, then you've got yourself a keeper. All that's left after that is to deal with her crazy quirks!

[Elegant]

Radiodave, if I were you, I'd discuss things like gender equality, feminism, discrimination etc. It can be a good test to prove how sexist someone is.

[NewfieGuyInHeels]

Well for me, my gf encourages and enjoys me wearing heels. In the beginning we use to work at the same grocery store and I just brought it up during a conversation about shoes. So she knew long before we started dating. I still do bring it up, but only when the topic surfaces. I don't exactly come out and say "Hey, I'm a guy who likes to wear heels" But when the topic of clothes, shoes, or fashion comes up when I'm talking to someone, I just mention a new pair of boots, or my faves that I have. When they ask (which they always do) I just explain my taste, and I've yet to meet someone who didn't understand.

[HHfanatic]

It depends on how important heels are for you. The higher on the ranking, the better it is to be up front as early as possible to make sure a possible relationship is based upon the most important values.

[Saturn]

The way I went about this with my current girlfriend is probably not the best way, but it worked. We started dating, and after several months we had said we loved each other. It was pretty obvious we were a good match. I slowly introduced the idea of my interest in heels to her, and she thought it was cute. So then I confessed that I owned heels, and she was interested to see me walk in them. She was a little weirded out, but she already loved me for who I was, and it didn't matter in the long scheme of things. She said "If this is the weirdest thing about you, I guess you're not that weird." She only encourages the wearing of "under the radar" heels, outside the house. Stilettos and the like (which I love) she's not so keen on me wearing. Honestly, I like the look and feel of stilettos, but they don't look that good on me. Boots are usually what look presentable, as I am a bulkier frame. She has accepted as a part of who I am, and I've even purchased her a pair of her own 5" heels, which she likes but can hardly walk in (she is a size 8, so they're pretty steep). To recap, I slowly got her used to the idea and there was no problems. She understood that I didn't want to come right out and say it because it could cause embarassing reactions. We have a great relationship, and my heels certainly have a place in there. She likes to talk about shoe fashion with me now, which is a lot of fun, and we do go shopping together. I haven't purchased any heels with her yet, but I definately will. I have so many pairs right now, it's probably not a good idea to be spending when I should be saving.

[Bubba136]

It depends on how important heels are for you.

The higher on the ranking, the better it is to be up front as early as possible to make sure a possible relationship is based upon the most important values.

This subject has come up, again and again, over the entire time that I've been a member here. It is really a very important question. Some members have commented that they've told their mates "after the fact" and their mates couldn't handle it and left the relationship. While that might be the “ultimate” reaction, the element of trust that is built between partners throughout the courtship and, perhaps over a period of years after marriage, is all but destroyed.

While our "abnormal" behavior might seem insignificant to us, because we're the ones seeking the permission/approval/understanding that would enable us to continue doing in the open what we've been doing in secret, perhaps for years, to others just learning about, it can be heartbreaking. "I thought I knew him. What else is he hiding from me," and/or "how can I ever trust him again" are the most frequent comments heard from wives that are torn by revelations of this magnitude. Because, for the most part, they think/feel that they can never look upon their husbands as being "men," again. Or, at least the "man" they thought he was and pretended to be "before we were married."

My advice, rendered over and over throughout the entire period of my membership here, and even long before, has consistently been:

1) Most people with our fetish will never stop. They cannot quit. They never will. They might trash their shoes and "put it out" of their minds for periods up to a year or longer. But, eventually they will give in to this desire and began to wear heels again. (I realized this at a relatively early age, 17 or so. I promised myself that I would never try to quit, again. And, haven’t.)

2) With this in mind, I made a point of telling my girlfriend (now my wife) about my high heels when I realized that it was entirely possible that we were going to have more than a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship. And, in my mind, she deserved to "know who I was“ -- everything there was to know about me. No secrets. 100% open and above board. She deserved total revelation so she could take her decision, based on “all of the information” to continue with the courtship or back away before anyone got hurt -- most especially before children became involved. (I must say, it was a very intense six weeks while she sorted out in her own mind what the ramifications would be, before she decided that she would proceed and see just how far she could go and how much she could live with.)

Long term relationships (especially marriages) are built on trust. Trust earned by using all of a person's senses. Especially trust learned through close association and observation of behavior normally over an extended period of time. If this trust is ever violated due to the revelation of here-to-be unknown circumstances or behavior, especially conducted in secret under their very noses, can be, and often is, too hurtful to be endured.

So, if you are about to make a 100% commitment to someone that you have grown to love, you owe it to them to be up front and totally honest with them so they can take a decision to continue or back away before they do themselves and perhaps others, real harm.

Take my advice, please. You will possibly save yourself, and someone you dearly love, tons of heartache.

Should anyone want to see more that has been posted about this subject on this forum, all they have to do is search back through the archives. I'm sure they will find more than they ever wanted to know about it.

[Trinity]

I think Bubba really hits the nail on the head. I would say early on, after a couple of meetings and if things are starting to move forward then bring up the subject if it has not been mentioned already. I would guess that you would also be able to gauge the women you meet, as there will be some that you know from the outset that would definately not accept this. It comes down to the woman, and how easily the subject can be brought up.

[at9]

An idea which can work. No guarantees. Wear subtle heels on the 2nd date. Such as 2.5" wedges, not readily visible but they'll make a difference to your height. She may well notice the change in height and comment. That's your cue to show her the shoes and mention your interest.

[Pam]

I believe there is no magical formula. Im with bubba that being 100% and honest is the best way to go. But it is also the hardest most of the time. I believe there is no magical formula. I’m with bubba that being 100% and honest is the best way to go. But it is also the hardest most of the time. I've had the chance of being in LTR with girls open (and even encouraging) to the idea of the heels. But I've also been in relationships where a no-go is. And the subject of the heels has come up (when it comes) at different points and circumstances during the relationship. To me a key point is how strong the connection to that person is. It is very valid, at least in my humble opinion, to think about trading (or minimizing) the heeling for other things worth having. This trade means having to make a conscious decision on having fewer opportunities to wear heels. If you are meeting women have you thought about trying going places where you can wear heels? Comparing how pointy or how high are your shoes vs hers is a harmless way to initiate a conversation. See some of the posts of members that use this opening line with great success! My 0.02c

[radiodave]

Thanks to all for all the useful information. I appreciate everyone taking the time to share their thoughts and experiences, and I would tend to agree with the "earlier is better" approach. Certainly it wasn't long after I started dating my ex that we talked about things that turned us on, and that's when I let on that I liked heels. Little did I realize that would lead to wearing them and having them be an important part of me. So, guess I'll cross that bridge when the time comes. I'll just keep that positive outlook that someone who likes heels will come along. Of course, I could be direct and if she does wear nice heels, maybe I can ask where she got them and see where that leads....

[aussieheels1]

I too totally agree with Bubba.... once you feel that the relationship may go to more than just bf/gf than it's time to come out with it..... if you can do it earlier, then good for you but that's probably the latest point.... unfortunately, I say this with the benefit of hindsight

[Histiletto]

If you are active in finding a women to share you life with, then you a have already made a contract with yourself to live life to its fullest, because you want to present to her the best you that can be. So wearing heels should be an active part of who you are. Living any less of an existence means you are willing to withhold the truth (lie) in order to obtain the love of the most precious person, who will be hurt upon discovering who she has come to have feelings for. The trust factor is an important foundation in any relationship and if you have started off by manipulating the truth about who you are, you'll have to take greater measures to refortify that trust. If you had been open and active in heeling, the field is narrowed quite a bit, but that special someone will be able to know up-front to whom she will commit to. Chances are she can be more supportive and willing to join you in your heeling. Anything less, will cause at least one of you to make a sacrifice for the rest of your lives together. If you never find each other, then you will still know that you are in the process of being the best you possible and you will have lived a full and rich life in high heels. As a ray of hope, male heeling is getting out of the closet and showing some promise on the streets. Perhaps being a male heeler won't be so awkward as men realize they have the right to choose high heels just as they would choose a shirt or some trousers. When this is accepted by society, everyone will have more freedom to be who they are. Yes, women have earned their status of freedom in our society and now men have to make the same choices to earn their rights to have the same choices women have struggled to achieve. The price of freedom is worth the cost. Make sure your actively making it secure.

[Magickman]

I don't think there is a "one size fits all" answer to this question. Every male heel wearer and every situation is different. Keeping secrets is destructive of trust, though, and the longer the secret is kept, the greater its destructive potential. My solution is a simple part of my everyday life. High heels are a normal aspect of my social wardrobe. Although I do not normally wear heels to cut the grass, I do usually wear them for shopping, dates, evenings out, parties, dances, and social events. Since my heels are generally on my feet, rather than in the closet, there will be no shocking surprises, concerning my footwear. Not everyone likes my choice of shoes, but anyone with eyes can see what my preference is. No secrets, no surprises, is my credo. Jake, the Magickman

[roniheels]

Upfront and honest. And don't be afraid of the answer. I don't know if I would start the conversation with, "Hi, how are you? By the way, I love wearing high heels and especially in public." But as you get to know the person better, you will know how to work it into the conversation, slowly but surely, and you can gage any reaction from her as to how you will proceed. If two people really, really mesh, ALL idiosynchrecies can definitely be understood. Good luck.

[mackman69]

it took me a few months to tell my gf about me wearing heels , she wasnt real keen on it at first but now she more ok with it . she still kinda looks at me when i wear certain heels out in public.

[Dawn HH]

I like what Bubba136 says about the subject. Maybe you should reread it again as there is much sound advise there to ponder deeply. Bubba has spent much time and thought to post this and I totally agree with his thoughts here. The other posts have much merit also, but I personally think that Bubba has hit the nail squarely on the head for us all to think about. It is not an easy problem to solve for anybody and takes much planning and negotiations to complete. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[HappyFeat]

For now, I am trying the direct approach. Being newly single (again) and wearing heels almost daily, I figure that if I meet someone while wearing heels, its already out there. Frankly, I have met a few women, all of whom are involved who think its cool. Though I do tell them I have "regular shoes" for when the situation dictates.

[shrimper]

Now in my golden years I have no problem telling a woman about my thing when we first meet. If she's still interested after that then I won't have to waste my time or hers.

[hhboots]

I just read bubba's well thought out message on this, and as many have said he absolutely nailed it. For my case, it probably took me about 4 months into the relationship to tell my wife that I have this and similar interests in my life, and it was just a few months before proposing to her. I wouldn't say the way I did it was perfect, or the timing was ideal, but it was absolutely required before we did commit to being married. I made sure to carefully probe her interests in different areas of intimacy and things in general that are not the norm. As others have said, there is no perfect timetable, and no perfect equation for each guy, every woman will have different reactions to this, and your own personality will factor into the situation as well. My suggestion would be if you are pretty confident in yourself, and if you are confident in heels, then you presenting the heels to her very early on, will probably not impact you that much and will work better for you most likely. On the other hand, if you have a bit more challenge getting to a comfortable point with women, and your confidence is not as strong, I would wait at least several dates, perhaps even a few weeks into the relationship, until you are pretty sure that she really likes your personality and then work it in very gradually with some probing light hearted statements to get a sense of her feelings on the matter before bringing it fully out in the open. Just some thoughts, again, nobody has the perfect answer, but I think bubba came pretty damn close

[HappyFeat]

First let me say that every post I have read here is sincere and pretty solid advice. That's why I like this board, thoughtful, smart people make for good company. For me, I have decided to grab the bull by the horns and just go for it. I am looking while struttin' my stuff in high heels! I think confidence is what makes people attractive in the first place. And what is more confident than a man saying damn traditional roles (or whatever) and I am going to do what I like - as long as nobody is getting hurt that is. I feel more outgoing an confident when I am in heels to begin with, therefore I feel more attractive. This is a lesson that we should have all learned from women throughout the years. Therefore, I will find women who not only are willing to accept my fashion taste, but who are willing to share in it. The issue of course comes with meeting somebody in a non heeling setting, I am aware. However, the best advice in my opinion is to get it out there ASAP so if she hates it you don't waste any of your time or any of hers. How to do it is up to you.