sevenup Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Hi guys and gals, this is not at all related too shoes etc. but i need help/advice before i go completely crazy , I split up with a young woman Claire, in april 07, we ended our relationship by txt message basically over something very trivial, both stubborn as mules at the time and acted like 14 year olds ( although my son at 14 has probably more sense than me right now!). The thing is i consider my self pretty much a gentleman, i heard she had started seeing someone else, so i kept my distance , but we met at a new years party and fuelled by some encouragement from her friend and incidentally my neighbour i sat and chatted to her, her eyes seemed to light up, my heart started to race it felt like we had not been apart,at the end of the night i took her home and we kissed ,only kissed i will add, i said we would have too talk more! We have talked more , several times more too be precise , her other man knows of my presecnce, she has been honest with him, i cannot fault her for that, we have actually slept together once ,it was a mad moment, he doesn't know this , thats all , she has actually said she is finding it difficult too finish with him but has said she will, she is still seeing him although not as regularly as she did before i arrived back on the scene.My problem is i want her now! i appreciate fully her predicament, she has been seeing him a while 5 to 6 months , i know he was unfaithfull to his wife before they separated and have told Claire, he lied too her about his past, How do i win this girl back , i realise now what an idiot i was in april, she is like a drug too me at the moment i need my weekly fix, i have told her all of this in heart felt letters , txt messages and in person,i am convinced we were meant too be together , she has admitted that there is chemistry between us but i am beginning to get paranoid about everything too do with her, . Just too clarify something though she is not the type of girl too just jump in too bed with anyone, she is an honest person , who has had 2 scumbag husbands in the past,who now finds herself the attention of 2 people.What do i do??? Do i not txt , do i leave her too call me , do i pester her about it, do i force her too make a decision, Help!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen your ideas are all welcome i hope you can ease my troubled mind, i don't mind personal questions if you feel the need too ask Thanks for reading Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Histiletto Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 To qualify my statement - I am not a counseler nor do I claim to have any great insight, so here it goes. You may have to give her some space, but let her know you are there for her and that you will always love her. Continue as close a relationship that gives her the freedom to choose. Once she has made that choice, be willing to support her. You both broke up for a reason and in her mind it is still valid. I know she may not choose for your side, but if this other person is as bad as you said, she will need some one to turn to later. If you have proven to be that special friend, who knows the possibilities. Take care and best wishes, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmc Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Sounds like you need to be there for her. She may eventually come to the realization that she is in an unhealthy relationship but you are not in a position to push the situation. It will be hard to keep a level head given your emotional investment but you have to do it. And the requisite disclaimer from me: I am not a counselor nor do I play one on TV. Have a happy time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightsnheels Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 I also will disclaim I am not a counselour, I am a mechanic. But I quite agree give her some space but be there for her. If she has had two failed marriges in the past you don't want to push her too hard too fast; she has to make the desicion herself in order to be satisfied with that desicion. Later if she is pushed she could turn and lash out at you. A little comfortable space and a loving disposition should be the best recipe for a good relationship. I would however avoid sleeping with her again as that could come back at you in ways untold if she were to lash out. Keep in mind I have little to offer in the current dateing scene though as I have been happily married for nearly twenty years. (Ninteen years ten months to be exact.) T&H "Look for the woman in the dress, if there is no dress there is no woman."-Coco Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 Thanks guys, I have this gut feeling that we should be together, i am in love with this woman all over again, however you define love!I appreciate her for what she is, and i would hate for her too be shat upon again by another scumbag even if she didn't want me , I know deep down that i need to give her space , i think? , she has said she will finish with him, but is struggling to do it , but its my head that is ruling my thoughts , not the trouser dept! I have been faithfull to every woman i've been with all 3 of them in 27 years,never married, but been close once, i've been shat on by my son's mother , whom i treated like a queen , this is what lead me to treat Claire a little different the old cliche "treat em mean ,keep em keen" but it backfired, god i wish i could turn back the clock ! I'm not a womaniser , i like too think i know how too treat a woman, old school! chivalry etc. etc. She is a good person, but when every moment of your day is taken by thinking of her it is very hard to lay off, and give space , all i want is too talk too her , hold her, kiss her,forget the bedroom stuff for now,i appreciate your advice guys , it seems that i have too give her time but god its gonna be hard , i'll have too bury my mobile phone.!!! May be less is more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JNR Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 why not let her read this thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 Hi JNR, Hell yeah, i can see your thinkin, but unless i paint it in 10 metre high letters in the high street, there aint nothing i haven't thought of or already done/said too her , to convince this woman . She is a very tough cookie, because i think of her previous encounters, She is a shy person, she doesn't voice her opinions out load, I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve, hence this appeal for help/guidance from all you guys and girls,I think i just have too bide my time and hope she see's me for what i am,an honest down too earth guy with no ghosts in the cupboard, that absolutely adores her, i accept i made a few mistakes a while ago,( nothing too do with being unfaithfull i will add, just stupid things now, looking back) but don't we all from time to time, and as the saying goes " you only realise what you had when its gone! " As for reading this well she is the only one in my life that actually knows i have worn or still do wear heels, she found out by accident, but i was honest with her , she was pretty ok with it i think, found it hard too believe a masculine guy could do this , but hey we do ! this is not the reason we split i will add!! I really appreciate your thoughts and thanks Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 T&H, I thank you for your input, counsellor or mechanic, the fact that you've been married for 20 years, gives guidance in itself, that you have found that balance that constitutes a good relationship , i'm envious, at nearly 6 years your senior i can only hope that someday something will go right!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fastfreddy2 Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 Are you sure she wasn't seeing this other fella while she was seeing you? Even if she wasn't, she's cheated on him with you. If the roles were reversed, her girlfriends would be saying to her "He just wants his cake and eat it." Have a think on this idea? I've been in your situation, and wasted 10 years of my life chasing the 'perfect woman' who, (in my case) had the morals of an alley cat. It won't be easy, but experience tells me you'll never be happy with her, no matter how much you believe you need her. Love is blind true enough, but it don't have to be daft too. Be careful who let yourself want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnieheel Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 Are you sure she wasn't seeing this other fella while she was seeing you? Even if she wasn't, she's cheated on him with you. If the roles were reversed, her girlfriends would be saying to her "He just wants his cake and eat it." Have a think on this idea? I've been in your situation, and wasted 10 years of my life chasing the 'perfect woman' who, (in my case) had the morals of an alley cat. It won't be easy, but experience tells me you'll never be happy with her, no matter how much you believe you need her. Love is blind true enough, but it don't have to be daft too. Be careful who let yourself want. I agree totally with fastfreddy2! ARE YOU CRAZY? She is cheating on him with you. Is that being honest. Get as far away from her as you can before you really get hurt. This is a no win situation. I am also not a counselor but I do have a little common sense. real men wear heels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 Freddy, thanks for your help, I'm 100% positive she was not seeing him , whilst i was seeing her, yes she has cheated on him , but thats only since i began seeing her from new year's eve.She is not a person that readily jumps around if you get my drift. I know what you are saying about chasing something, i've done that myself before and yes she had the morals of an alley cat. This woman is a completely different person to the last degree, she is just in limbo i believe, we didn't really finish with a blazing row or found out one of us was dishonest or anything like that it was just so stupid! and she has admitted that had i said the things i have said recently , back in april , we wouldn't be in the situation we are now. I can trust her 100% and she can trust me the same, it is just there is a 3rd party involved now, I don't think she fully appreciated how strong her feelings for me were untill we met again new years eve and things have just escalated since then , probably too quick for her and my exhuberance is not helping things! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnieheel Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 You don't need help. You have already made up your mind of what you are going to do. If she loves you like you think she does , than she needs to break it off with the 3rd party immediately. GOOD LUCK johnieheel real men wear heels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightsnheels Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Fast Freddy and Johnieheel both make a good point to consider, one which I missed. Take your time apart to re-evaluate the situation and avoid some real heart ache later. T&H "Look for the woman in the dress, if there is no dress there is no woman."-Coco Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FXHH Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Are you sure she wasn't seeing this other fella while she was seeing you? Even if she wasn't, she's cheated on him with you. If the roles were reversed, her girlfriends would be saying to her "He just wants his cake and eat it." Have a think on this idea? I've been in your situation, and wasted 10 years of my life chasing the 'perfect woman' who, (in my case) had the morals of an alley cat. It won't be easy, but experience tells me you'll never be happy with her, no matter how much you believe you need her. Love is blind true enough, but it don't have to be daft too. Be careful who let yourself want. this is not easy and pls dont think of this as being nasty or funny!! have a bit of experiance with woman and have learned some hard lessons as a result... not very good at puting thoughts out there, however 'fastfreddy' has it prety good. IMO you are in too deep emotianally to think clrearlly. you need to get away from her, been down simalar roads, not with a third party, however with breaking it off and macking up and the the same prob comes up again and the heartbreak again, no matter how small it might seem now, something similar will come up again!! saying this as a fellow ''highhellar'' am just a teck, not a councillor, however see the high danger of hurt for you ahead with the whole situation! other woman will also accept the heels! good luck:online2long: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fastfreddy2 Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 IMO you are in too deep emotianally to think clrearlly. good luck About sums it up. I've been in exactly your position. It didn't end well for me, so I hope you do better. [but if I'm honest, I don't expect you to I'm afraid.] If she wanted to be with you, and didn't want to be with him, would upsetting her current boyfriend be any worse than the emotional torture you are going through? Hurting you is the less painful (of the two undesirable situations) for her. What does that tell you? Ask a mutual friend what she's like with the current boyfriend. If it transpires she seems close to him, holding hands when they're out, it maybe she just can't deliver the final blow to your relationship with her. [Or put bluntly, you are being kept on as 1st Reserve.] Either way, her having two relationships on the go, isn't good for her or you. Get yourself another girlfriend, at your age you're probably tripping over attractive and accomodating girls. Somehow you have to find the strength to (at least for a while) close this seemingly disasterous situation. It's been 25 years since I had to try, and sadly I didn't have the sort of support you're getting here from some of us, to help me do it. I allowed it to carry on, and eventually all three of us got hurt. Longterm, no one of the three of us managed to trust anyone else, for quite some time. [Them never - with good cause - me, it took over 10 years.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 Guys , i fully appreciate all you're help on this one, it would also be nice to here a females perspective on this.? if any have or are reading please comment all are welcome. Anyway, today i have taken the bull by the horns and it may backfire, it may not, it may workout i don't know, but all my day is taken up with thinking of her and it is getting me down. Today i sent her a letter and a bouquet of flowers, apologising for my exhuberence in wanting her ,and possibly pushing her too fast ,i felt that things had changed since we last spoke together and sure enough they have, She has been totally honest with me and him about us both, but did say too me she was going too finish with him, however when it came too telling him, she has had too back down as she said she would miss him, i think if i am honest with myself i can understand this , she has been seeing him 7 months. I spoke too her this afternoon i was in rather un upset state after she had txt me telling me of her state of mind, she was honest with me and said she is totally mixed up, cannot make her mind up, one day its me she wants , the next day its him, i said too her that as much as it is going too hurt me , then i will make the deciscion for her , so i have said too her i am going too keep away, not phone, not txt ,not pester her , it hurts like hell too do it , god does it hurt ! but it may make her think really hard about things and it may work for me it may not! I have told her that i will be there for her what ever the deciscion she makes, I love this woman, and want her , we both agreed we would be happy again if we could turn back the clocks, it seems the only problem is the other guy is in the way, she has admitted there is chemistry between us and she doesn't have that feeling for him, but she is fond of him,and is really unhappy about upsetting either of us by telling one of us we have too go. She admits she cannot carry on seeing us both too whatever degree ,some friends have said they don't seem that close , but she is the type of person who doesn't show her emotions publicly, unlike me ! I tell it as i see it I thankyou all for you're input , i thankyou all for your patience in taking the time too read my problems, its nice too know there are people out there in the ether that you have never met ,who have the time too help you. Thanks from one very grateful guy Andy Ps. sorry if i have bored you all if things do change i'll let you know!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightsnheels Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I wish you good luck in your endevors. T&H "Look for the woman in the dress, if there is no dress there is no woman."-Coco Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefox Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Only you can judge the situation on this Sevenup. Only you know how long you are prepared to wait for her. The best thing you can do is probably give her gentle reminders that you are still there for her from time, to time and not push the issue. That decision will be hers, and all you can do is make sure she knows how you feel without putting her under undue stress. If I were you, I'd see another girl on a casual basis. It may help deflect some of the pain you are feeling. By the way, to all those who say they are "not counselors", so what? Your opinion is just as valid as any counselor. Counselors etc just make it up as they go along. Social science is largely common sense and life experience Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnieheel Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Get a grip man. I know the feeling. I was in love like that once. We were even engaged to be married. She decided she wasn't done playing. Going out clubbing etc. We were together almost 3 years when she decided that. Problem is, I don't drink or go to bars etc like I use to. Another book. She met someone and it about killed me. I really wanted this one to work. It hurt like hell but I survived it and am now married to the best woman, in my opinion, in the world. We are still very close friends as I suppose it was met to be and we are both very happy now. Just got to ride the storm out friend. Time will calm the waters and life will go on. Who knows, you will probably meet some one more to your taste than you know. Be patient my friend and it will all work out. real men wear heels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FXHH Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 yep again this might sound nasty, and ladys pls dont take this the wrong way!! there are plenty of fish in the sea!!! talking from experiance!!! keep your self bussy, with a hobby, or what ever you do best!! something else been thinking about is this!! she will tell you that the other men were scum bags, and she might even tell them that you were a scum bag!! woman are funny creatures. IMO you are better off with out her!! she has been unfaithfull, that is the facts!! if the two of you ever got back together the issue of trust would come up!! you know she was unfaithfull and would wonder if she could do it with you, could she be unfaithfull to you!!! big possibility YES. a person that is unfaithfull will do it again, and again, and again....... that is life!! there are a lot of good people on here!! who am almost sure are prepared to chat to you and keep you busy!! even if you start a BS thread somewher, sure people are prepared to chat and help clear your mind of her. seems imposible right now, soon you will fell better and be ready for life again!! SORRY, if this seems nasty(that is not how its meant), seen this before, and experianced this before, know what you feeling and going thru!! and the danger that you are in!! with the net at you disposall, it makes it easy to meet people, even if just friends to help steer your mind in a different direction!! GOOD LUCK!!! hope this helps you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 Hi FXHH, I value your opinion like every one else's on this, but without going into greater detail of her life and mine which would bore you all even more , I know the other 2 men she married and they were mean and nasty too her , why? is a question you could ask but i have cleared that one already, we have been seing each other for over 7 years ,prior too our split in april 07,which was all over nothing really, nothing serious,like being unfaithfull or anything similar , it was two stubborn people being bloody stubborn, i know her very well, she has been unfaithfull now ,yes, but feels bad about it and i could fully trust her if we were to start over again , she is that type of person, not as many a bloke would sterotype " no offence ladies". I know the bloke she is seeing now and i know he has been unfaithfull with his wife which is why they divorced and as you say once they have done it the once , they will do it again,and again, all i hope is he does it very soon too her , then she will realise ,I am what i say a decent ,honest, hardworking down to earth guy , been hurt badly before, very badly but someone who just wants too be happy , and make someone happy ,i'm not loaded, not an adonis but have a heart of gold, I am not going too wait forever but i have this gut feeling that we are meant for each other ,you know the feeling , its hard too describe ,I am convinced that he will mistreat her ,7 months is still the honeymoon period , things are all rosy, Too be able too understand where i'm coming from you would need too know her,as it is easy to make generalisations of women, and men for that matter, I appreciate your time though and all the input has been very helpful as it has given and is giving me a broader outlook on everything, i know there are more fish in the sea, but when you are a specimen hunter, you will wait for a long time too catch that personal best ! " anglers will know this " Thanks again FXHH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 HI Johnieheel, I know what your saying " get a grip", i was engaged in a past relationship together for 9 years total , to the mother of my son , I treated her like a queen , she was my life , my everything, my world, but too her in the end i wasn't good enough and boy, did she shit on me! endless affairs i found out about , she enjoyed clubbing etc, yes it hurt bad, my world ended the day she left. but with it she took my inner self, she wiped me clean, mentally emotionally and financially and it took me a long time too get over it, I felt like ending my life at times, so i know all about coming back from devastation, then why this thread you ask ? Trying too find a cross section of opinions from a massive collection of people whom are totally unbiased to my situation , so i can make sure i don't end up back where i was all those years ago, I value your opinion and thankyou for taking the time , Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 HI Firefox, Thanks for your input , your right what a better bunch of "counselors" could you get than the diverse population of this brilliant place!abroad spectrum of people from all over the globe , non of which know of my personal life , but who can offer their opinions / beliefs on a subject that has probably affected more people than we think , and who's experiences are all probably different. Thanks Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hey, Sevenup! My advice is don't get tangled up with this woman again. She's carrying way too much bagage for you to ever be happy living with. If you two do manage to get together again, life will never be the "roses and candy" relationship you're looking for. And, if she ever becomes angry again, she might leave youi for the "greener grass on the other side of the fence." But, then again, I've been married to the same woman for over 30 years, so -- what do I know. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 21, 2008 Author Share Posted February 21, 2008 HI Bubba, Iknow what you're saying about the greener grass! but i know this woman is not the type that does this , this situation has only really arisen because back in april 07 when things went wrong i was so stubborn and instead of talking too her and sorting the problem as miniscule as i t was i buried my head in the sand and she presumed i had had enough , we have both agreed it is a bloody mess but in the meantime she has become fond of this other guy and she is finding it difficult too end it with him , because she is a faithfull type person, i just think i have been over eager too get things going again and have probably pushed her away, 30 years together is fabulous, you are obviously doing things right, i could only wish too be that happy right now! Thanks Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FXHH Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Hey, Sevenup! My advice is don't get tangled up with this woman again. She's carrying way too much bagage for you to ever be happy living with. If you two do manage to get together again, life will never be the "roses and candy" relationship you're looking for. And, if she ever becomes angry again, she might leave youi for the "greener grass on the other side of the fence." agree with this!!! 100% not going to add anything else exept that WHEN you down in the dumps, let us know and we will be here for you, we will talk BS with you and keep your mind busy!!! good luck!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jarl Ayari Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Just be careful Andy, the last thing you want is to be stuck in a relationsip that isnt what you thought it would be, or isnt what was discussed before hand. Its amazing how a woman can be totally different in character and views on life once in a relationship. (sorry ladies) I have no doubt guys seem the same to women. I have never hidden what I am, what I like, what I need but finding the right woman who accepts all these as Me being Me was nigh on impossible. Make sure she really is the one before you plunge into anything and just keep your head always. Andi Smile and the whole world smiles with you, Fart and your on your own!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sevenup Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks guys, all your input is a real help, not sure what a BS thread is though, am i being thick, not a surprise at the moment my mind is allover the place, I should tell her to get lost really , but something is stopping me , she is a really nice person , very confused at the moment i think ,so i'm going too give her some space , no contact at all and see what that brings, if i dont hear anything in the next couple of weeks, i think i can safely say i'm not wanted, all i can say is her loss! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnieheel Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks guys, all your input is a real help, not sure what a BS thread is though, am i being thick, not a surprise at the moment my mind is allover the place, I should tell her to get lost really , but something is stopping me , she is a really nice person , very confused at the moment i think ,so i'm going too give her some space , no contact at all and see what that brings, if i dont hear anything in the next couple of weeks, i think i can safely say i'm not wanted, all i can say is her loss! We all want someone to be next to. 1- Loneliness 2-Self explanatory (HORMONES) You are doing the right thing in my opinion bu keeping clear for a while. Time heels all and tells all. real men wear heels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roniheels Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 Thanks guys, all your input is a real help, not sure what a BS thread is though, am i being thick, not a surprise at the moment my mind is allover the place, I should tell her to get lost really , but something is stopping me , she is a really nice person , very confused at the moment i think ,so i'm going too give her some space , no contact at all and see what that brings, if i dont hear anything in the next couple of weeks, i think i can safely say i'm not wanted, all i can say is her loss! This last advice of yours to yourself is the best, in my opinion. I'm late to this thread, but what I've read, this young woman needs to do some personal soul searching and decision making. She has been hurt, confused, spiteful, vigilant, and in need of comforting. But, in my opinion, now she needs space and time alone to make up her mind and set thngs straight with herself. You're there for her and she knows it. That's all you can do right now. Judging by your concern for her, you are a good person and very conscientious. Good luck to the both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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