Should I tell wife about my HH shoe fetish?

[MikePL812]

Hi all, i am new here but I am a 38 yr old male with a life time shoe fetish. It started in with me liking to wear Dr. Scholls exercise sandals, but quickly grew to the enjoyment on wearing everything between womens wedges and high heel platforms. I have hidden most this from my wife for way too long and I want to tell her. I just fear she will freak out. When we first got together, she was ok with my exercise sandals, but now, years later if I wear them, she asks me why I want to wear womens shoes. I just say I dont and that they are unisex.

Should I tell her? If so, how?

Please share any insights or experiences that may help.

Mike

[sscotty727]

You wearing heels might very well freak her out. You might get all the are you gay, do you want a sex change, etc, questions we ALL got here. But what is worse is for her to accidentally find them sometime. Wearing the heels might be bad to her, but what will be worse is keeping secrets. Her line of reasoning will probably be, if you kept that from her, what else are you keeping from her? Maybe your having an affair. Maybe even a gay lover. Once you violate trust it is VERY hard to repair. The best thing is to come clean and let her react. Most important, listen to her concerns and address them. Make sure you explain exactly what you see in them and why you like them. If she is very negative about it, see if you can work out a compromise. The fact that your willing to listen to her and work it out will go a LONG way. Don't let her find out by accident. That will be FAR worse than anything. Good luck. Scotty

[BobHH]

Yes, it's best to be honest, unless you think it might be the end of the relationship and you don't want it to end. But usually there would be other differences in thinking and attitudes - tolerant vs. intolerant - that would create problems and indicate whether the confession outcome would be favorable or not. Still better to be open with your mate.

[chris100575]

I agree. Telling my wife was very difficult, but it was better than her finding out for herself. She wasn't happy about my wearing heels, but we managed to come to a workable compromise. We have now split up, but I must emphasise that it was for other, unrelated reasons. We're still on friendly terms though. Chris (edited for punctuation)

[wineanddine]

MikePL: I agree with the other comments about getting it out in the open before she finds out on her own. I waited until we had both had a lot of wine to drink and she slipped into the other room to put on something sexy - - I did the same and by the time she realized I had a pair of pumps on we were well on our way to some pretty fantastic sex. We had some casual and probably somewhat guarded discussion about it afterwards, took the wearing part kind of slow from there but she's been very accepting and I think appreciative of my honesty. Good luck. Wineanddine

[silver]

My gilfriend doesn't like the fact that I wear heels, but since I've told her she has started wearing sexier heels in greater quantity. So you lose some, but you also win some :-)

[shyguy]

You should definitely tell your wife, it's difficult, I've been there too. As you will see if you read other posts about this subject on the hhplace forum a lot of people have been through it. She may question your sexuality "Are you gay???", it may make your wife feel less feminine, or see you as less masculine. BUT whatever the reaction, if you love each other enough you will work it out. My wife was dead against me wearing womens shoes, even now it's a taboo subject most of the time, but we reached some compromises, and she has even bought heeled boots for me. How long? 10 years we have been together, and now it is just at this stage. But if she found out for herself it would have been much worse to deal with, so sit down and tell your wife voluntarily.

[Dawn HH]

MikePL812:-) Welcome to the Forum. I agree with the others that you should tell your wife about your wearing heels and see what her reaction will be and then go from there to gain a compromise between you two. It will be much better if you tell her about it instead of her finding out on her own. This could cause a great deal of mistrust on anything that you try to do in the future. She would think that if you kept this from her, what else must you be keeping from her. Tread slowly, but do break the news to her. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[DeSalto]

Some years ago, it was a very difficult decision to tell my wife about my love for wearing heels. When I decided to tell her, the second difficult decision: how to do it? No right answers for different couples. Not all women will accept their husbands wearing female shoes. As I said in a recent topic, some women love men wearing heels (they even get excited), some accept but don´t really like it, and some don´t accept. The bad news are that a lot of women fall in the 3rd option. In my case, all the heels I own are very feminine and high heeled. Does it mean I´m gay? You must be shure I´m not. I´m just a straight guy with a huge fetish for heels, and nothing else. But your wife, in the beggining, my be not so shure. It may take some time for her to get used with you wearing "that pink strappy 5 inch stiletto sandal". Or not. Who knows? You have to be ready to all the questions and doubts that will be arised. An advice: only the truth! Listen to your hart. You know your wife better than anyone here to take the right decision. DeSalto

[sscotty727]

MikePL812, As DeSalto said, my wife falls in the 3rd category, tolerance as long as it isn't too obvious. She would love it if I never wore any kind of heel, but she can live and accept me wearing wedge heels. How I told her? I actually told her about liking to wear heels when we first met (almost 20 years ago now). Back then, I only wanted to wear them when we were alone. Now and then I would sneak driving in heels, but never thought to wear them out anyway. We dated for a while with her knowing it, but it bothered her alot. She even wondered what kind of parent I would make. She decided to break up with me. I went home and sulked. The "breakup" didn't even last 24 hours before her mind cleared and she realized she loved me regardless. I think her plan then was to try to break me of my desire to wear heels. We purged them, I went for a while with no heels, and always the desire would come back. I would get heels (she would buy them for me), I would wear them around the house, she would get on me about it, I would feel bad, purge again, only to have the cycle repeat. This went on and on and on again until we had our first daughter. I purged because I always thought when I had kids that would be it. That lasted until we had our 2nd daughter, I got assigned to a project I was in a hotel during the week. I got a few heels to wear in the hotel during the week when I was away. After a while, the guilt hit again and I once again, purged. When the desire hit again, I finally did a search on the internet to see how "normal" I was and if any support groups existed. Low and behold I found hhplace. This was my first time thinking if I didn't wear pumps but rather chunky heels, I could actually wear them out and not "hide" my heel wearing. I started out in the evenings while away. As my courage grew, I started wearing them to work. I even talked to my wife who seems semi-"ok" with it and I stated getting chunky heel boots and shoes. Over time, I saw it was bothering my wife. We had a LONG talk about it and this time I listened to all her fears and issues over my heel wearing. After looking around for a while for more descrete heels, I found a pair of wedge heels. I showed these to my wife and she said "those I can tolerate" so I got them. I noticed when I wore these, she seems more comfortable and happy. When I tried to wear my block heels, she would seem uneasy and apprehensive. So we once again talked and I finally agreed, I would stick to wedge heels, but get some real heels for when we are alone. This seemed acceptable and so far it is working great. Sorry for going into the long story, but I wanted you to see that there is no magic "hey I like heels" and the world is great. As DeSalto said, she might say "Hey, great!" and be into it. She might get freaked out and leave al together. Or, you might end up something similar to me and go through a long process of open communication and compromise. As we all said though, the alternative is to hide them and someday she will find out. Secrets are never kept forever, trust me on that one. It is best to be open about it, be compasionate to listen to her side, and then be prepared to talk about all your reasons. If she is upset or doesn't like it, offer compromises. MOST women once they see you are willing to give for them will do the same. If you need any personal advice, PM me. I will be happy to help you out in any way I can. Good luck! Scotty

[dr1819]

If you value your relationship with your wife over your shoes, tell her of your interest while telling her she means more to you than your interest, and mean it. Otherwise, you may find your wife assumes you love your shoes more than her.

[heels910]

I am slowly going through the process of letting my wife know. I have never hid the fact that I love heels and more than anything I love her. I have let it be known that I wish I could wear heels in public. (She doesn't know that I have, but now might suspect it, I will get to that in a minute.) I have always asked her to wear heels, and I let her know how sexy I think she is wearing them. She has given me permission to wear, what she calls platforms, I am not sure what that is. I am just taking it very slow. Yesterday, she bought a pair of sandals with the highest heel I have ever seen her wear. I think they are about 4 1/2". I told her I loved them and she was embarrassed to tell me how much she paid for them, but I told her it was no problem, and I thought it was great. When she took them off, she was slightly complaining about how hard it is to walk in them. I told her that I would do it. She said, "you can wear platforms". I told her that I would wear stillettos. (Which is what I like to wear.) She said that is 'gay'. Why would you want to wear those? The answer I wanted was not coming to me. So I stayed silent, (best thing to do sometimes). She said that if I did she would not sleep with me anymore. I was upset about this, but I did not overreact. I told her that it hurt my feelings that she would say that, and I left it at that. About ten minutes later she took it back, and told me that she would just be embarrassed. I am taking it very, very slow with her. Her feelings mean more than anything to me. I might get what I want someday if I continue to play my cards right, and not force the issue on her. We have been married a year and a half. Before we got married I purged, thinking I would be done with it. Well, we all know how that doesn't work. So again, we just need to consider our wife's feelings over ours and take it ever so gently. It is amazing what you can get when you do this.

[sscotty727]

Heels910, Have you ever considered trying either block heels or wedge heels? Something less "feminine"? Why don't you take her shopping and look for some more descrete heels and ask her if she would be ok with that? Perhaps by starting with those types of heels, it will ease her into things, let her get use to the idea of seeing you in a heel, and also ease her fears somewhat. After a while with you wearing them and she sees you have not changed, perhaps you can SLOWLY get more bold and evetually try to work your ways into stilletos (if that is your ultimate goal). By starting off with stilletos (which honestly, in our society is associated with women or gays, yes unfairly, but they are) you are shocking her system. My advice is to back off a bit with more descrete less feminie shoes and let her system adjust. Good luck, Scotty PS: If you need help finding some good descrete heels, let me know. BTW, what size do you take and where are you? I am getting rid of some boots with block heels (from previous posts, you can see I am pretty much exclusive wedge heels) and I would be willing to work something out with you.

[heels910]

I am just at the point of letting her know I want to wear heels. I haven't worn anything in front of her and she doesn't know I have any heels. I have some block heels already, I didn't say I purged everything. I am just going ever so slowly to get her used to the idea. Thanks for your offer. I do pretty good at easing her into things. She is very willing to think about things and then we talk about it and work it out from there. I will either get her to accept, or I will quit wearing heels. She is more important to me than my heel wearing. Time will tell. I will not force anything on her.

[mulesrock]

When I told my girlfriend about me wearing heels, I was scared and nervous. I told her and said I'm the same person you've always known. To my surprise she said "I love you and thats a part of you." I'm now married to that wonderful woman and keeping my heel wearing would only lead to problems down the line. I know some women out there won't be as accepting of it but you never know.

[heelme]

Welcome to HHPlace, MikePL812. I'm sure you will find a great deal of discussions of interest to you here. I imagine about any guy on this forum can relate to your dilemma, me included. At some point, all of us have or will have to confront the question of why we like to wear high heels. In your case, she's provided you with an opening of sorts by asking that very same question regarding your sandals. The advice so generously provided above is useful but each relationship has it's own dynamic that only you and your wife know, therefore only you will know if it's best to "out" yourself and how or let her discover your cache. When reading stories of how so and so found out, most of the time there is a period of discourse in the relationship. Shock and deniability come to mind. My wife was first concerned that I was "going gay" and would leave her. Once we got past that, her main concern is that I will be found out by family and friends. She doesn't want me to embarass her and to that end, I'm very careful but as I get older, I case less and less who knows about my kinks, so to speak. Same for her. The point is that is was a rocky start, but time and a strong bond between us won out. I love her and I love my kinks. I'm one of the lucky ones and was able to keep both. My sincere best wishes for you and your predicament. Please keep us posted.

[wineanddine]

For whatever it is worth, my story is almost identical to HeelMe above, especially the part about the older I get the less I care about who knows, etc., which also probably helps to explain a little more street heeling when out of town. What he has written is very true for me and I suspect many who are married and have a good relationship about the whole thing with our wives. Wineanddine

[crotchboots-m]

you might as well tell her,as she would find out eventually...women being the natural snoops that they are. what happens after that is anyones guess. its kinda like a people that get fired for minor transgretions at work. management merely uses it as a vehicle to jettision the offender. the same way with wives. if they love you enough,they keep you...if not...she gets the gold mine and you get the shaft.

[Dawn HH]

I like the way you put that, Crotchboots-M, it is so true. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[micha]

Tell her simply about your secrete passion - tomorrow at breakfast! The honest way is always the best solution :wink a hint of another michael

[ShockQueen]

I count my blessings every time I read one of these. I suppose I should thank my ex-girlfriend for telling my now wife everything about me, so she wasn't the least bit surprised when I told her, and she's been 150% supportive since day one. Hasn't fazed her a day since either.