crisis of a girlfriend of a hh wearer!

[manololover]

well it cant get any worse by me posting her, told him i told one of my best friends about his shoe wearing habit, cos i dont want to keep anything from him, she doesnt see anything wrong with it by the way. well he was not impressed, dispite the fact hell probably never meet her, they have nothing in common and shes the most trustworthy person ive ever know. he spent the time i was with him not even able to look at me and i got upset and walked out, which probably wasnt the right thing to do, but i didnt want him to see be cry, which i did as soon as i shut the damn door. i know its his business but i just need someone to talk to about it ever now and again who isnt in our relationship, he doesnt seem to get that. i didnt do it to upset him or anything like that, and i trust my friend even if he doesnt know her, and now im at home and im really feeling quite tipsey, and i know drinking wasnt the answer but its not cos i want to forget the shoes its cos i dont like the thought of him mad at me and i dont want to loose him cos ive never felt this way about anyone, with or without high heels. at the end of the day the shoes are just part of him and its him i want and i wouldnt change anything about him for anything. what the hell is wrong with him, i can have sex with him wearing his high heels but i cant explain how i feel about him or why i need to talk to someone about his flippin shoes. argh manololover x

[Thighboots2]

Manololover, I am truly sorry to read of your plight. I guess he has yet to be true to himself as he is still "in the closet" about his hh wearing. Perhaps it may help him, and thus you, if he finds out about this board. Then he can get to realise he is not alone. He certainly neds to meet kneehighs I hope it works out for you. TB2 xxx

[chris100575]

Sorry to hear about this, but I think you need to tell him pretty much what you've just written, especially the bit about not wanting to lose him and that you wouldn't change him. I'd suggest face to face rather than over the phone. If your feelings for each other are strong enough you will be able to work this out. Good luck, let us know how you get on. Chris

[dr1819]

Mmmmm Let's back up a week or two, well prior to the tipsyness, and pick it up again in the morning, ok? Hope you understand things always seem quite different in hindsight.

[wineanddine]

Dear Manolover: I can relate to what's going on. I am almost sure my wife has told a couple of her close friends about my "tendencies" with heels because of things they have mentioned in passing on occasion but she has never said she did and I didn't confront her about it. Anyway, I'm kind of glad she has told them now but in hindsight I would have probably been very upset initially. I guess my advice would be not to do anything rash in the short term because after you give it some time I think everything will work out and for the best. Good luck, Wineanddine

[Thighbootguy]

Manololover -

So far it sounds like folks have offered good advice especially dr1819. A little time may make things look not as bad.

However let me offer a little different view:

If someone asks, “Can you keep a secret?” and you say “yes”... mean it. Otherwise be honest and say No.

His reaction might be several things, disappointment that you didn’t keep a confidence or crushed that his world has collapsed and he needs his mother. If it’s the first one you can, over time, repair the damage. If it’s the second, send him home.

Last thought - If he is going to wear heels around you, he should to be able to talk to you about it. That isn’t too much to ask.

Real last thought - Guys that wear heels are either very confident in themselves and how they look or are so unconfident they are paranoid nut cases that just fell off the Planter’s truck. I really hope your guy is the former. If he is the latter, it ain’t going to be easy.

[hoverfly]

Yeah, time to let this cool down a bit, but you do have expectations in this relationship. If he is not going to talk to you about it, you have the right to talk to some one else in confidence about it. Soooooooooo let him know ether it's you and him or you and your friend or a you and him with a personal 3rd party to talk about it. But talk about it you must, if he can't talk about his soft side what makes you think that this relationship will work? Sorry to knock you up side of your head with common sense here but, I been there done that divorce thing. Talking about such stuff is a must in a relationship, he needs to open up a little.

[manololover]

hey thanks for all the advice, have calmed down a little now so thinking about things with a clearer head. thighboots2- he knows about the site, he has even posted here a few times, it was infact, him that introduced me to the site, so now i cant even tell you guys completely how i feel and get the advice i need cos i know hes reading this.

[Dawn HH]

Manololover:-) Maybe it's best that he IS reading this Forum. Then he knows just how you feel about him and the fact that you don't want to lose him over something like this. He has got to open up a dialog with you on this subject so both of you can openly discuss this matter between yourselves. Keeping quiet about this isn't going to do either of you any good. Now, since you both have had time to think about it and have cooler heads about it, someone has to try to break the ice so the subject can be discussed openly. Since he may not want to do that here, there is always the option of PM'ing one of us privately about this. I hope that this helps in some way. Sorry to hear about your plight, but keep us on top of what is going on with you both. Maybe in some small way we can help. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[clicker]

Ok so I'll put my side of the story accross.... I met a girl somewhat younger than me. Within a short space of knowing here I confessed my love of heels and in fact that I do very much enjoy wearing them. Mainly boots but there are some shoes out there that I like. As I expected this was a bit of a shock for her but she took it well. She told me that she had told one of her colleagues and I was immediately concerned. This is such an incredibly private matter that I trusted her with it and it was quickly shared with someone I didn't know. I expressed my concern that only maybe 3 people know about this and that is how I'd like it to stay. Her response was " I needed someone to tell or I'd freak out" so I accepted that and appreciated the fact that she was delaing with it. Sometime later she tells me that she has told one of her friends. Again I expressed my wishes that this is not something to be spread about and it woul dmake me not want to say any more private things incase they became common knowledge. I do not hide my desire for the heels around her, we do talk openly about it and she has expressed her Limits and I accept that. she did ask me to try them on in front of her once and it wasn't an easy thing for her to do, it didn't take her fancy at all and they were quickly back in the cupboard. We still talk about them, we still both look at them on web sites and she knows I still like to wear them. I also appreciate she needs to talk to someone else other than me about this but in 10 years I've told 3 people. in 4 months that number has doubled. I have been accused of misjudging her and her friends. However I've never met these friends, and according to a previous post I probably never will. This seems strange to me that I may never meet her friends! I am thoroughly miffed that my biggest secret has become what to me seems widespread. I'm sure her trust in her friends not telling anyone else is solid, but so was my trust in telling her. In reality I don't expect them to tell anyone under normal circumstances but picture this scenario. We have an argument and fall out (similar to what is happening now), perhaps smaller, perhaps bigger. One of these falling outs could from her side see me as a bad person and of course she will seek consolation from friends. These friends know about my choices in footwear and clearly this is a chink in the armour when it comes to all the things I did wrong. In their wrath I fear the truth will become more widespread than it is. I do go out in public wearing my heels occasionally. Granted I choose my times and locations carefuly. Some days I'm noncholant about it, some days I'm pretty cagey where and when I go. So technically I'm not in the shoe closet, but also know full well the implications on my life if the information were to fall into the wrong hands be it from an overheard conversation, or an angry conversation. So there's my thoughts on the situation. now for my thoughts on the girl. She is fantastic, she accepts my shoes as part of me and who I am. I know from reading this forum for a long time that this is few and far between to be able to openly discuss this with the person you feel the most for. We get on well, we don't argue, (ahem, of course there is this small technicality), she's attractive, pretty, sexy, caring and I feel a lot for her. But this has put a cloud over that and now I feel I have my views on trust and the level of secrecy I feel this needs, and I believe she has views on my ability to believe in the trust of her friends who I don't know. i think, I don't know!!!!!! Hopefully when I next see her we will be able to work something out but I think she feels as strongly about her side of the story as I do mine. If I thought it would fix things I'd just say I'm sorry for being annoyed at other people finding out, but I don't want other people finding out until I feel i want them to know so I'd still be worried about the spread. I hope it is resolved in the good way and soon

[Thighboots2]

Clicker, Nice post. Thanks. Just put my experience on-line when this came out with my, then, girlfriend I live with (now my fiancee). She started bringing the fact of my heel wearing when we were in company with friends, once when I was wearing heels and once when I was not. I got a bit hot under the collar about her blurting this fact out when in company, when I would rather the friends have noticed for themselves and they bring the subject up. Despite on both occasions there being no negative reaction, in fact kudos for having gone shopping for them in the first place, I was not exactly thrilled about meeting up with friends as I felt that this subject would be dragged out again and again and not at the time and place of my choosing. This led to the inevitable row but we resolved it, of course, and we have moved forward. I hope you can do the same. TB2

[BobHH]

The best thing a girl can do is to tell her guy that she likes him in heels or that he looks sexy in heels. I have been fortunate in that way with two girls - one a serious girl friend at the time.

[chris100575]

That would indeed be the best thing she could say to a guy, but only if it's true. When I find my next girlfriend I'll be happy enough with "Yeah wear heels all you want, I don't mind." Chris

[Guy N. Heels]

It seems to me that the really big issue here is about trust. Now here in Washington we say that you can trust any 3 people with a secret if you kill 2 of them immediatly after you've told 'em. We also have classified documents with instructions like: Burn Before Reading!

Unfortunately, trust is rather like a china vase. Once it's broken it's rather difficult to put back together. The best bet is to kiss and make-up and then each resolve to zip the lip before you sink the relationship.

[Shafted]

I sure hope the two of you can resolve this. You seem to be made for each other.

[clicker]

Hey all, Well, we met up last night for the first time since the fall out and things were cool. Off out tonight together so we'll carry on from where we left off I reckon and put this incident behind us. I'm not the most prolific poster but I'm sure you'll hear from us again soon. I know how you all like pictures of everyones collections so I'll see if manolo lover wants hers displayed. Thanks for your input and here's to a happy ending Edited for spelling (again)

[Shafted]

Glad to hear the two of you are working things out. Stay in touch.

[dr1819]

All. I'd like to add that trust is a decision. Some say it's "earned," but I disagree, for as humans, we're not only fallible, but we're also unable to ascertain 100% of the facts with which to make a perfect decision.

So, we're not able to be 100% trustworthy, nor are we able to make perfect decisions.

If trust were truly "earned," we'd rapidly arrive at a point where no one trusted anyone.

Thus, trust is a decision. It's a choice. Choosing to trust another person is risky, but it can definately have its rewards (relationship, marriage, etc.). Even when trust has been abused (to a point, obviously), it's still a choice. In fact, it's much more than that. It's a gift one gives to someone loved, and that gift, surprisingly enough, can go a long ways towards helping the other become more trustworthy in the long run. I say "long run," because in the short run there will always be abberrations. What happens over the long run, though, is what really matters.

Keeping this and the fact that no one's perfect goes a long way towards ensuring a relationship stays on healthy footing.

[Dawn HH]

Glad to see that things are looking up for you two, Clicker. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Stormie]

Looks like this is all resolved now and I'm not a man, but here's my two-penn'orth anyway. manololover, I understand why you feel you need someone to talk too. I am in a similar position myself, although I have told 2 of my closest friends with permission from my bloke. I've lived with them before, now I live with boyfriend and 2 other housemates, then pretty soon we're going to move in with my 2 friends again - so it will be me and boyf, and my 2 friends. I told him that I wanted to warn my friends in case they decided they didn't want to live with us any more (on the general basis that if I had known before I ever started going out with him, I wouldn't be going out with him. 2 and a half years down the line I'm too in love with the f***er to leave. It's a complicated emotion). He wear heels most days and quite often around me. Luckily they're still going to live with us, but the relief of finally having someone else to talk to about it was immense! One of my friends doesn't want to talk about it much (she says it is too embarrassing) but I've chatted to the other a few times and it's a huge weight off your shoulders to be able to talk to someone else about it. Prior to telling these two, the only people I had to speak to were boyf himself and this forum, which I eventually stopped reading and posting on because I felt like a freak for not being able to accept his weird fetish (and before I get flamed, I'm as entitled to my opinion as much as anyone else). Now I can feel normal again - and can feel thankful I have such great friends.

[dr1819]

Hi, Stormie - you have friends here, too. I for one won't storm you! Cheers, and let me know if you need to bounce anything off me. I choose to remain open, yet will fully support your currently relationship, as that's quite important to you.

[Fog]

...... this forum, which I eventually stopped reading and posting on because I felt like a freak for not being able to accept his weird fetish (and before I get flamed, I'm as entitled to my opinion as much as anyone else). Now I can feel normal again - and can feel thankful I have such great friends.

I don't think this forum would be worth much if we can't say what we really think without getting grief. I've enjoyed your contributions - because you've said what a lot of partners have been reluctant to say, or weren't interested enough to log on and have their 2d worth. BTW what happened to your avatar? I thought it was cute!

[Stormie]

Hi, Stormie - you have friends here, too. I for one won't storm you!

Cheers, and let me know if you need to bounce anything off me. I choose to remain open, yet will fully support your currently relationship, as that's quite important to you.

Thank you.

I don't think this forum would be worth much if we can't say what we really think without getting grief. I've enjoyed your contributions - because you've said what a lot of partners have been reluctant to say, or weren't interested enough to log on and have their 2d worth. BTW what happened to your avatar? I thought it was cute!

And thank you.

I don't mean to say that I find these forums unfriendly... I just don't quite find a fit here. But I'm willing to butt in with my opinions and offer support to the SOs in my position, because I think sometimes it's hard to find someone else who's as muddled as you are. I think by reading these forums you're being made to think that everything is normal and just peachy, and that the SOs of all these fetishist blokes are all quite happy with their situations - and if that's your case, fine. But it's not always like that and I think by reading here you sometimes lose sight of that - hence the feeling like a freak.

Oh, I ditched the avatar for the simple reason that I was bored with it!

[BobHH]

It isn't all peachy for everyone. But, one doesn't like to dwell on the unpleasant situations, and some people aren't in those situations any more. My first wife would never have approved of me wearing high heels, but that wasn't the main problem. My second wife thought it was no big deal, and supported me. But I lost her to a heart attack. Several friends (girls) think it's OK or even great, so I have been extremely fortunate. But it doesn't dominate life or relationships.

[Guy N. Heels]

He wear heels most days and quite often around me.

... I felt like a freak for not being able to accept his weird fetish (and before I get flamed, I'm as entitled to my opinion as much as anyone else). Now I can feel normal again - and can feel thankful I have such great friends.

Hi Stormie,

It's good to hear from you (again). Of course you're entitled to yer opinion, they're like noses, everybody's got one. So please don't feel like a freak or that you don't have friends here.

But I think you put your finger on the magic word - acceptance! Now there's a word that's largely fallen out of usage these days.

Now let's see here: if somebody rings my doorbell I can go to the door and greet him. If he needs to tarry a while I can invite him in and receive him. But before I ask him to stay for dinner I must first accept him

Isn't the thing that's causing all the rub about us thinking a certain type of dress is okay for one sex but not the other? What about jewelry? Is one type of jewelry okay for guys but not for gals? What about purses - that accessory that's really just a scaled-down version of a satchel? I've seen some women carrying purses the size of my small suitcase!

So just exactly what is so terribly wrong with yer man wearing heels? Lessee, Big Ben started running backwards? London Bridge fell down? The Queen fell out the guards to chase him down? When you stop to think on it, it's kinda silly to let what yer man wears on his feet get yer knickers all in a twist right? Well in my book that calls for a good whisky :drinking: and a good laugh :rofl: Sooner or later you're going to find out that life is short - so don't sweat the small stuff! By the way, about 90% of it is small stuff.

[Stormie]

Guy N. Heels, wow, what a lot of emoticons.

So just exactly what is so terribly wrong with yer man wearing heels?

That's like saying to an arachnophobe 'so just what is wrong with spiders?' They could run a spiel of just what exactly is wrong, but unless you feel the same way you'd never understand. Mind you, it's not really anything I can describe anyway, more a panic reaction that comes from nowhere which fortunately for all involved hasn't escalated into a panic attack (yet).

I know what you are saying about how it all 'small stuff' and I shouldn't let it bother me, and I know that maybe I am just being stupid, but that doesn't change my instinctive reactions. I think it's also a little bit of self-preservation affecting the way I feel - the more I accept, the further he'll push. Like a year or so I had never seen him in heels. I did it, didn't like it but tried to accept it anyway. Now he wears them all the time. If I try to accept this, what will he try to do next? And if I don't like this already, how the hell do I handle the next bit? If I put up a block on it now, then I'll never be forced to find out.

Ooo, psycho-analysing yourself isn't fun.

[sscotty727]

If I may be so bold to interject an observation here since I have the wife who has had issues with me wearing heels, especially more feminine heels such as stilletos. The problem isn't the "fashion" choice in itself. The problem is that there are certain ques that trigger images in our mind based on what we see and what we perceive. For example, when you hear the click of a heel and see just the high heeled pump, your initial reaction is that is a woman walking past. If you see dirty jeans and work boots, you think it is a man, maybe a construction worker. When you see the opposite of what your expecting, it throws things out of wack. For alot of women, seeing a man all of a sudden in clothes that are associated with a woman, they see the man as "girly". For some women this might not be a problem, but for my wife and I can only assume Stormie (not trying to put words in her mouth though), all of a sudden they see their "manly-man" as a woman or more feminie than they would like. I proposed the opposite a while ago. Imagine me coming home and seeing my wife in a flannel shirt, baseball cap, jeans, and heavy workman boots, and no makeup. Certainly a major turn off. Sure they are just clothes. But they are clothes that are associated with men. All of a sudden, I see my wife as a man, something I am very much not comfortable with. This is why open communication, fears, etc are important. For my wife, I saw where she was coming from and worked out a compromise. I now wear less obvious wedge shoes that give me the heeled feeling I want and tone down the "girly-man" image she doesn't want. After all as she tells me "I am not a lesbian, if I wanted to be with a woman I would be with a woman, but I am straight, I want a man". It doesn't matter how much I can argue "but I am no different, I am just a man wearing heels". The point is HER perception is she sees a man wearing pumps and to her it feels like she is with a woman. Who knows, perhaps over time as she gets used to me wearing heels and maybe if more people wear them and it is socially accepted that men wear heels that will change, but for right now, this minute, as long as I want the relationship, I have to be open to her fears and concerns just as she is open to my wants and desires. Scotty

[shyguy]

all of a sudden they see their "manly-man" as a woman or more feminie than they would like. I proposed the opposite a while ago. Imagine me coming home and seeing my wife in a flannel shirt, baseball cap, jeans, and heavy workman boots, and no makeup.

That was my wifes argument that she saw me as less masculine, and the argument I made in response was that she only ever wears jeans and shirt style blouses, even t' shirts and rugby shirts, and little makeup, but I accept her for who she is shouldn't she be able to. But she countered with the fact I'd always seen her dressed less feminine, but she hadn't seen me in heels before, so she wasn't used to it.

She is more accepting now.

[Elegant]

After all as she tells me "I am not a lesbian, if I wanted to be with a woman I would be with a woman, but I am straight, I want a man.

This could be used against her too- if you're about to go somewhere with your wife dressed more manly, tell her that you ain't gay and want to be with a WOMAN not a man. Watch her reaction, and if she tells you that women have larger choice of clothing and it's not weird etc., ask why men have a limited wardrobe! Maybe you'll manage to talk about i.e. female emancipation (and how women started to wear previously masculine pants) and suggest that men shouldn't be oppressed in the field of fashion too!

[sscotty727]

This could be used against her too- if you're about to go somewhere with your wife dressed more manly, tell her that you ain't gay and want to be with a WOMAN not a man. Watch her reaction, and if she tells you that women have larger choice of clothing and it's not weird etc., ask why men have a limited wardrobe! Maybe you'll manage to talk about i.e. female emancipation (and how women started to wear previously masculine pants) and suggest that men shouldn't be oppressed in the field of fashion too!

Well, the fact that I LOVE my wife, I work WITH her to come up with a compromise. The fact that I wear wedges which I don't mind and actually like and she is more comfortable works for us. This isn't about painting someone in a corner, it is about talking it over and working out a compromise. If she is uncomfortable with me in stilleto heels, that is a fact, not an argument. Sure I could win and wear them, but then I would also be single. What is more important afterall, the heels or my wife?