Help my husband wants to wear womans boots.

[Guest]

Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:57 am Post subject: I am so there -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so this as well if my first time doing this and well I have to say I am at a loss. I have been with my guy now for over 2 years and we have been married the last 5 month. Before we got married and he left to start his new career he dropped the bomb on me that he liked to wear womans boots. I was shocked to say the least! I come from a conservative Christian home and so does he. WE met at church we both volunteer in the youth group together I was blown away. I was not sure what to make of it. I was hurt. The man that I loved and knew I wanted to marry was that into boots. I found out even further that it is a sexual thing. I knew he liked it when I wore boots and heels he would go on and on and on about them but I had no idea. I said this is something we really need to work on and figure out what the root of this is. I asked him to see a Christian counselor to get some insight on this. He said that he udnerstood his situation after going to a a couple counseling sessions and that he no longer wanted to wear boots and destroyed the only pair he had. Well, now here we are 5 months into being married and a year after he first told me and he wants me to buy him boots becuase it helps his love language physical touch. I don't know what to do. He is so into these boots that he want leave me alone about me wearing them. He has this thing for leather and skin that I could never graspe or even try to wrap my mind around it. I need help. I love my husband but for me this is out there. Can I get some help. I really dont' know what to do. There is not really anyone I Can talk to about this. It is very personal and private and do not want to share it with friends or family due to the nature of this.. I would love any advice. Please for a wife that loves her husband and wants to save her marriage. I need some help.. Thanks so much. Dena please feel free to e-mail me.

[shakala]

Hi Azbus, welcome and sorry to hear about ur troubles. I'm a guy and I like wearing stiletto boots. For me its no big issue, its not a gender issue or confusion about my sexuality. Its purely a fashion statement. I've always thought boots are the nicest and sexiest footwear around(stiletto's) One day I bought a pair for my wife and thought why not for me? I did question my own sexuality etc, but came to the conclusion that I like it as footwear. While my wife still has not come to terms with my fashion choice, I've very comfortable with my look and choice and I'm giving her as much time she needs to come to terms with it. I do go out wearing boots and all my friends at first are taken back and not sure what to make of it. But now I've had nothing but praise and compliments from them on my look. But I understad it is different being a partner as opposed to a friend etc. Personally I would never end my marriage over my boots, but then again 'I will choose to wear what I like'. My wife's fears are more towards my sexuality, but time will show her that I have not changed sides and I have not changed as a person. I can only recommend to take it easy "some wise advice given to me from others here" and take your time. It is a big shock and confusing, communication is very important. Hope I've helped, even a bit. Take care and good luck.

[ShockQueen]

Hi Dena and welcome! Quite honestly, to some, footwear is a turnon, and for some it is just a fashion choice. It's a harmless thing as........to be honest......it's just clothes, but they make him feel better. To me, it's nothing that should come between two people, although I can also see where you are coming from, taking your beliefs into account. I don't think seeing a Christian counselor would do any real good, and may even be going a bit overboard. The best thing to do is sit down and see if you can come to a mutual ground. Relationships are best done through give and take, as well as meeting half-way. To make a stand saying "it's either me or the boots" may not work out, since the lingering need will be there, and will most likely not go away. I have been married going on 10 years now, have 2 wonderful kids, and the subject of my footwear choice has not put one single strain on our marriage. Now I can't say this is the same, since it's not important for our love life that I wear them to bed or anything, but I'm just saying that it's perfectly normal to be with someone who has a more fashionable taste in footwear. If there is more counseling to be done, it should be done by someone neutral (although that may be difficult) in order to come to a more common ground. Communication and open-mindedness are the biggest things to have in such a relationship in my opinion, for without honesty between both people, relationships tend to get hurt, or torn apart completely. I do hope this helps some. Take care. SQ

[Puma]

for without honesty between both people, relationships tend to get hurt, or torn apart completely.

Absolutely. Trying to hide and keep secrets of any kind can, and often do, break relationships. I know, I've been there, fortunately for me, we managed to work through all the tears and pain that my attempt at keeping my 'fashion choice in footwear' secret was causing.

Although you may currently find it hard to come to terms with the fact that your husband likes HH boots, through discussion and openess between yourselves, a solution might be found. However, a word of caution, if your plan is stop him wearing his boots, I fear it would possibly force him to be more secretive. I'm not saying you should completely change your perspective on him wearing/or not wearing his boots either, but at first, a compromise must be found.

I will assume, possibly wrongly too, that you are not happy for him to wear hh boots because of what other people might say, as was my wifes initial reaction, but I can say most other people really don't care or notice what I have on my feet, this has been proven time and time again when we are out together when I am wearing hh boots (I prefer the 'block' kind of heels for myself).

At the end of the day, please don't lose sight of the fact that your your husband hasn't broken any laws or harmed anyone, and keeping a secret from a loved one will have been tearing him apart inside for a long while, quite possibly more than the pain you feel for him having kept a secret.

I wish you both the best of luck in reaching a happy outcome.

[Dr. Shoe]

The thing is, it is probably a sexual thing becuase he hasn't the freedom to wear them in any other setting. Psychologically speaking a fetish is a way to justify placing yourself in a situation you enjoy but is regarded as taboo in your local or wider society. The Bible tells us that a man wearing female clothing is an abomination. However, taking this in context it is apparent that this relates to worship and not everyday attire because in the Middle East in those days men and women dressed more or less identically. This law was inserted because some of the other idol worshipping religions had priests that would wear the garments of a virgin as part of a sacrificial ceremony. Obviously, none of this has any bearing at all on modern life and even at the time of Jesus, laws such as this would have been deemed old-fashioned and irrelevant. Our Lord came to fulfil the law not to enforce it. With regard to wearing heels, it wasn't so long ago that men were wearing heels of 4" or more. In the opening scenes of the film "Staying Alive" John Travolta is comparing his heels with the ones on sale in a shoe shop and then smirking because the ones he's wearing are higher. It is only fashion that dictates that men wear one thing and women another. It could so easily have gone the other way and men could be the ones wearing heels to emphasise and increase stature and women the flats to emphasise petiteness. Throughout history men have been wearing heels, in the 17th century the wore shoes with heels painted red and some of these were almost stilettos by today's standards and some men had to wear special galoshes to prevent their heels sinking in soft ground. Don't worry if your husband wears heels. it might be unusual but it is far from being a sin. After all he hurts or offends nobody particularly if it's kept behind closed doors or is done well away from your vicinity were he won't be recognised. Be assured that if heels for men were fashionable, he probably would't wear women's boots.

[Thighbootguy]

Asbus - I read you post last night and wanted to think about it for a while before I responded. I think you ought to give the guy a break and dump him. He will be happier because you won’t be bugging him about wearing boots, and you won’t have to worry about being seen with him or his lying about being cured by Christian counseling. How did I get here? I have no confidence in Christian counseling. All that can do is lay a guilt trip on someone to get them to change their ways. Unbiased counseling might be a different thing. If he said he was “cured” he was lying and you won’t ever believe anything else he says. You said he was into boots and leather and implied that you were not. I can’t see how that combination will ever mix, sort of like oil and water. If he ever looses that desire, you will have to conclude that he is satisfying it elsewhere. Another option would be to get him a pair of leather thigh boots (Ellie 8899’s) with 5” heels, and get a pair for yourself to. That could be a lot of fun. If that suggestion is a real turn off (I suspect it is) then dump him and pick a more compatible guy next time.

[Guest]

Hi Azbus, I imagine you've probably read the long post I started about my boyfriend wearing high heels. I'm glad you found this place, because it has been a big help for me. Here are just a bunch of my random thoughts. I do not agree with thighbootguy. I'm sure that dumping him is the last thing you want to do right now. You're confused, but you love him. You want to understand why he does what he does. What did the Christian counselor say? Did he have some reasoning for why he should not wear the boots; did he make him feel bad for wearing them? I'm wondering if it's like those religious groups who try to "fix" gay people. (I am not implying that your husband is gay, that's just what I'm afraid it can be compared to). If you had known this before you got married would it have affected your decision to marry him? I wish my boyfriend knew what I know about him, so I kind of think you're lucky that he was comfortable enough to tell you about it. I do not agree with the suggestions that you buy him shoes. If you don't like him wearing boots, there's no reason to make him think otherwise. BUT, I don't think you should expect him to turn his desire to wear them off like a light. It's always going to be there. If he wants to buy a new pair of boots, have him buy them himself online or from a catalog. If you can accept that this is just a fetish...a quirk that he has, and not a "problem" that you need to find the root of, maybe you can come up with a solution. Let him wear the boots when you are not around. Let him know that you love him, but that you are not turned on (that you're in fact turned off) by seeing him in boots, particularly in the bedroom. I would hope that he wouldn't push you to do something you're not comfortable doing. You know that he is a good man, you have the same values, you fell in love with and married him for a reason. I really hope you can work through this without making him feel that he isn't a good man, that there is something wrong with him. Like you, I posted here because there was no one else I could talk to about it. I certainly was not going to tell my girlfriends or my family. For one, it's not my business to tell, but mainly I have to wonder how negative their reaction would be. Please feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk about it further.

[sscotty727]

Hi Azbus, First of all, I am not sure if your asking for help to come to grips with him wearing heels or if your asking for help in how to get him to stop wearing them. If you have already set your mind to the fact that he is in the wrong for having the desire to wear them and you need to rid of him of that desire, I am not sure we can help you out too much on this board, since most of us already wear heels somehow in our daily life. However, if you can take a more open minded approach and talk openly with your husband about his desires, you might be able to come up with a mutual compromise that allows him to satisfy his desires but isn't as offensive for you. I would recommend that you at least try to stop seeing it as just a sin and more of something that is apart of him. If you are unable to do that, it sounds like your mind is pretty much made up. I will give you an example of my wife and I. We are both Christian, I am more non-denominational and my wife is strict Catholic (I was born and raised Catholic but changed to non-denominational as I got older). Anyway, like your husband, I went through many cycles of buying heels, wearing them around the house, having guilt periods, throwing them away vowing to never wear them again, only to feel the desire come back. At first thought it was a sin and made myself feel horrible about it. But after a while I found this website and found it wasn't an uncommon thing but very common. I also saw I could incorporate wearing heels as a fashion statement vs. a fetish thing and over the past few years, have felt happier and more comfortable with my heel wearing. Of course I had to sit down and talk a lot of things out with my wife. Like you, she isn't thrilled to have me wearing heels. I also have 3 girls (ages 7, 4, and 8 months) so she was concerned about me wearing heels around them as well. What has evolved is I wear less obvious heels like you see in my avatar. Once I sat down and came to grips as to why I like heels, I found it is more just how they feel and less about being a fetish thing, kind of like someone who likes wearing silk shirts because they like how they feel. Well for me, wearing a shoe with the heel higher and your foot at an arch just feels better and more comfortable than a flat shoe. I also like the feeling of a tighter shoe vs. the boxy feeling of a bland men's shoe (if you want to see what I mean, go try on a pair of men's dress shoes sometime). Sure I like to see women wearing nice pumps, but I can definitely live without being in stiletto heels. Sure I would love to wear them too, but as my wife can't accept that, I live within her limitations. However instead of her just saying no and making me feel like a bad person, she was willing to understand my desires and help me work out a way I can wear what I like but still be discrete. Marriage is about give and take and not dictating to the other. Anyway, all this is more about open communication while working out a compromise with your husband. It is no different than anything else in your marriage. When you want to get a car you might have different wants. When you want to get a house you might have different wants. In all decisions, it is very unlikely you will always agree 100% on something but learn to work TOGETHER to come to something mutually acceptable. Like others here, I would highly recommend you stop trying to send HIM to a Christian counselor as if HE is a bad person. Instead, I would just recommend the TWO of you sit down, OPENLY discuss all this and let him tell you why he wants to wear heels, and then you can tell him all your feelings about why it bothers you. I think once you do that, you will be surprised how clearing the air can help you both work things out together. Try to see things from each other’s perspective. Imagine if he demanded you couldn’t wear jeans because women only should wear skirts? And if you insisted on being able to wear them, but he made you feel like a bad evil woman that needed to go see the priest? Sure, farfetched now, but not so farfetched 50 years ago. As Dr Shoe pointed out, God didn't change, fashion did. Fashion isn't dictated by God. What is in your heart and your motives are judged by God. Anyway, just my thoughts on the subject. I wish you all the best in your journey. Scotty

[heelme]

Welcome to the HighHeel meeting place. So far, there has been some really insightful posts with solid advice. I read from your post that you're uncomfortable with not only his bent for boots, but his general admiration for leather from a fetish standpoint. His desires don't align with your own. He has made an attempt to change by throwing away his boots and as you found, it's a desire that is deep and, in my opinion, difficult if not impossible to overcome or be rid of. You are reaching out for help and trying to understand the "why" of it all. This forum is a good resource for that and relatively anonymous, as you stated you don't care to go to family, community or friends. From your post, it would appear both of you are trying to make your partnership work, or at least to have a better understanding of what is becoming a roadblock to your happiness together. He probably seems to be a different person to you now that you are aware of his particular desire. Maybe one that, if you had this knowledge beforehand, would have ended your relationship before a relationship could bloom. Is he really a different person or is your perception of him different? You married him for reasons only you know, are those reasons still valid? These questions deserve some thought. Chances are that his desires will not decrease and not to try to scare you, they will probably increase. He may be able to shed himself for a time, but if you listen to most psychologists, his feelings and urges will always be present. That said, you might ask yourself if you want him to be what he wants or essentially, live a lie. Disuading him from his desires may not have the long term effect that is desireable either. I'm sympathetic to your situation. Finding out something like this, contrary to your beliefs, AFTER you commit to a relationship is no picnic. What you both do about it from here on out is what is important. The past is history. Counseling can be helpful, if it's the right kind. If you're expecting a religious counsellor to have an unbiased view and opinion, you will be disappointed I fear. You want to achieve understanding, so find an avenue for that. You already know what a Christian counsellor will say, don't you? Whatever the outcome, I hope your time here has helped you to undersand a little more about why your husband is "into" leather and boots. I hope you two stay together and are able to work through your issues.

[Fog]

Azbus, It seems to me that you and whatever form of Christianity you're into are trying to impose a moral compass on your husband. (I know, I've been there, I spent twenty years as a born again Christian - and it didn't change my heart. Not that I'm a bad person, but it never got rid of all the hurt and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness, in fact it fostered them. I had plenty of counselling - but it mainly reiterated what I shoudl do and think as a Christian - not that I ever discussed my desire to do anything they found deviant.) I tend to go along with Thighbootguy, it's something that won't go away. Your husband knows or should know what's right and wrong, what he wants and what he doesn't want. It's always hard to live to other peoples moral codes. It's something I have given up - and I now live with a clear conscience.

[Fog]

Azbus, It seems to me that you and whatever form of Christianity you're into are trying to impose a moral compass on your husband. (I know, I've been there, I spent twenty years as a born again Christian - and it didn't change my heart. Not that I'm a bad person, but it never got rid of all the hurt and insecurity and feelings of worthlessness, in fact it fostered them. I had plenty of counselling - but it mainly reiterated what I shoudl do and think as a Christian - not that I ever discussed my desire to do anything they found deviant.) I tend to go along with Thighbootguy, it's something that won't go away. Your husband knows or should know what's right and wrong, what he wants and what he doesn't want. It's always hard to live to other peoples moral codes. It's something I have given up - and I now live with a clear conscience.

[shyguy]

If you search for some of my threads you will see my wife was completely against me wearing womens shoes. We discussed it, she would try to understand, and I would try to stop. It doesn't work until you both compromise. Our compromise is that I don't discuss my "shoe thing" with my wife unless she brings it up, which she does from time to time. Also I only wear womens shoes or boots when she is out in the privacy of our home. It works for us, and I don't have to feel guilty for wearing them behind her back, and she doesn't have to see me in the shoes.

[dawn]

HI I know there are quite a few long posts here with all the information you need, so I won't write long but the thing is, you have made a mistake in your posting you said that your husband likes to wear woman boots, that is incorrect your husband is a man not a woman and he likes to wear High heels you need to understand that small but significant detail, your husband style of choice is the style made for woman nowdays but that is unimportant becasue he wears them from a man point of view, that is a male who chooses to wear shoes with high heels so I see no reason why both of you can't live hapily ever after thing is you should confront him about your true fears which i beleive are more to the direction of "what will the neighbours say...." just ask him to make sure he won't be seen by any of the neighbours and if he agrees than all will be fine, if he will be satisified in wearing heels just in the house than for the love of christ buy the man some heels !!!!

[Magickman]

"Help my husband wants to wear womans boots." And this is a problem because?

[Dawn HH]

He won't be the only one here that wears women's boots. There is a lot of good advise here also. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Guy N. Heels]

Hi Azbus, I hear your cry. I've also seen a lot of good posts on this topic and I think that Scotty727 is pretty much on target with his response. So having said all of that, let me say that your problem is no bigger than you want it to be. While I do not wish to sound trite, the bottom line is that it's mostly in your (and his) mind. For example, how did you like the nice skirt that Yul Brenner was wearing as Pharoah in the Ten Commandments? The fact is that men (Christian and otherwise) have worn skirts of all types for thousands of years - yet our society today frowns on men wearing skirts. In like manner, men in all parts of the world have worn earrings for thousands of years - yet men wearing earrings today is still questioned in our society. The same thing goes for high heels. Men have been wearing heels for hundreds of years. John Wayne, Jack Lemon, Robet Mitchum, Jack Hawkins, and Patrick Swayzie are just a few actors I could name. So if you are a Bible believing Christian then you ought to recognize the scripture that says, "... there's nothing new under the sun." Once again, it's all in how you look at it. I am a conservative Christian who has worked in the Pentagon and rubbed elbows with 3 & 4 star generals. I personally know ministers who are nationally known. I have been to Capitol Hill many times to meet with our nation's leaders. Also I often wear skirts and kilts in the summertime; my ears have been pierced for over 30 years; and I have worn high heels for more than 50 years. So you have my solemn assurance that your husband is not morally corrupt. Therefore you and your husband most definitely need to sit down and talk things out - both sensibly and sanely. You need to think about why do you wear the things you do? Do you wear pants or trousers? Why? Do you wear bib overalls, like my daughter does? Why? Are your ears pierced? Why? And I could go on and on but I think you get my drift. Now one more thing I might as well pass on. Your husband's interest in high heels is not going to go away. I said earlier that I've been wearing heels for 50 years. I wish I had all the money I've spent on shoes only to throw them out and then later go out and replace them again. I can't even tell how many times that cycle has played-out in my life. Finally I set aside some space in my closet where I now put my shoes and things. Now I no longer go through the insanity of buying stuff just to pitch it out and then buy more to replace it later. Whenever I want my shoes I now know just where they are. Believe me, you and your husband can save yourselves a lot of money and grief if you do the same. Then there's Thighbootguy's admonition to dump your husband - it's the American way! While I respect his right to his opinion, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob says,"I HATE divorce." Unless you or you husband are doing something very unbiblical that really belongs in another forum, I see nothing going on that would justify divorce in God's eyes. In short - don't even think about it. One last thing - Do not hesitate to contact me by private e-mail if you have anything whatsoever that you need to discuss further. Guy N. Heels

[BoyLegs]

Hi Azbus,

I applaud you for looking for answers rather than freaking out by your lonesome, and I hope you don't feel too beaten up after reading all the responses.

First, your husband's desires are not a slam on you. Don't think that if you lost weight/dyed your hair/had a boob job/whatever, "he'd be sufficiently turned on by me and he wouldn't need the boots." That is not the way it works (I wish I had explained this to my ex). It was there before you were.

Second: No, this does not mean that his first love is his boots and you are the other woman.

Know that his desire to wear boots is visceral, not rational. Other respondents have already pointed out that it won't go away. You might be able to get him to suppress his desires. That doesn't mean he gets rid of the desires. It means that he locks the desires down and, very likely, over the years becomes very angry. He may even lose track of why he's angry. Want to grow old together like that?

Another possibility is that he takes the pledge for you with the best of intentions, but he just can't stay the course. One day you'll be rooting through the attic, and you'll find his stash. It will have been the farthest thing from your mind. Imagine the rush of emotions you'll feel: shock, anger, shame, betrayal. Sound appealing?

You should talk to him about the boots. But before you can have a conversation with him, you need to have a conversation with you. You also have visceral needs, and they are legitimate. You've probably had a vision for years of what your marriage relationship was going to be like, and from your posting, I doubt that your vision included your man wearing high-heeled boots. So you need to clarify your priorities. What can you live with? What can you absolutely not live with? What do you need to put limits on? What do you need from him for you to feel loved? What is essential to you, and what is just noise?

Once you have clarified this for yourself, you're ready to talk to him.

I'm sure this is probably far from how you thought it was going to be on the morning of your wedding day. It causes you to question yourself, him and everything you've believed. I wish you both the best.

[thedesigner]

cant see a prob if he does it with style, looks a bit silly with a business suit... Do you wear a (mans style) business suit? It's not a sign that a man is on the turn, dont worry, if he's good to you, thats enough!! My girlfriend and i choose fashion for each other from magazines, knowing its exactly what the other would choose!! Try it!!

[Guest]

thats how I feel as well, guy n heels! when it comes down as to WHY!!?? a lot of people just really dont have an answer, now do they!!? example as to the heeled footwear that is -HOW did heels get to be only WOMENS footwear and(more importantly) WHY?? what drives this so-called notion of heels for women, but NOT for men in the fashion world that you see everywhere in stores, its like an endless cycle (or broken record, vinal type) the same for men (with I might add VERY little difference) but always different styles for women, tall shaft, high heels, etc! I for one am NOT "gutless" when it comes to what I like to on MY feet (other than work ofcourse) the pathetic "I wouldnt be caught dead in those" is pure insecure feelings (read gutless) like my mom & her generation, saying (or feeling that is) "well, what would people think?" well, gee about WHAT!? what you like to wear on your feet!? and like as to the "people", namely WHO!? strangers?

[crotchboots-m]

your right,shoot the immoral bastard out of hand for his inadvised intentions. then wave the flag,scream and shout,and proclaim the world safe for democracy. might even get you elected to some high office.

[crotchboots-m]

yeah,thats one of my favorites too...what would people think. from what ive seen,why should we even ask the question about those mindless sheep? they are told what to say,do,etc. Think?...look into the vapid pools that are their eyes and tell me if they are even capable...

[Guest]

thats a good one crotchboots!! you hit that right on the mark! all you need to do is to look into their automoton (hope thats spelled right) eyes, only to show you that that they HAVE no mind of their own. (& I'm supposed to CARE what THEY "think"??!!) give me a break, will you!!?

[johnieheel]

I totaly agree with what Dawn said about it only being shoes with heels and she needs to look inside her self to find out her own insecurities and to H with what the neighbors say! Shoes, shoes, shoes, thats all it is, just shoes so whats the big deal?????