Careful with the wives

[sscotty727]

Guys, Let me tell all of you to be careful of the "accepting" nature of your wives and make sure you keep an open channel of communication. My wife stunned me earlier this week when she revealed she felt like we are growing apart because in her words "your fantasies aren't my fantasies". When I pushed further I found out that I apparently have been pushing things too far in her eyes. The heels she said she kinda accepted but then I started getting into sports bras and also pushing to wear pumps out with her on a date sometime. I've also been shopping around alot for heels on Ebay. I guess things finally got to her and in her mind she felt I was moving too far feminine and less masculine. The one comment she said to me that really hit home was "We are just different now, I will always love you though, your a great father". Now this sends off major warning signals to me, this sounds like someone who is contemplating ending things. I told her I would back off and things and she said "Well, if that is what makes you happy, just it isn't what turns me on and I guess we are just moving apart in things". Anyway, as promised, I will keep my heel wearing to ONLY being shoes and ONLY more masculine ones and also to stop pushing the idea of wearing pumps and other feminine heels, etc. I also told her I would back off the sports bras (to be 100% honest, that was always iffy with me anyway, I think I started wearing them out of habit more than anything). Bottom line, I need to make her realize SHE is more important to me than heel wearing. Even if I finally have to give up wearing heels at all, I will do that. Anyway, I wanted to offer a warning here to other guys that just because your wife "seems" to be accepting and not fighting you, keep an open channel and don't assume. Underneath it all, there could be trouble brewing and maybe she just isn't saying what she feels. Hopefully I haven't damaged things too far and hopefully over time I can put her back at ease with things. There are other things going on too, we talked about that and I don't feel like sharing that, but the feminine stuff had been bothering her as well. Scotty

[hoverfly]

Usually when I wear a new pair of heels out, I ask my GF what she thinks of them. Some times, she dances around the answer, which means a big NO. I poke and prod a bit when she does that kind of thing, I guess you know some one well enough to know when they are dancing around the answer.

[kneehighs]

Scotty, you've always seemed like such a respectable guy here at hhplace. I'm sure that tone of communication transfers over even more towards your wife. Hopefully you and your wife will be able to isolate the other issues you are having. Then when you isolate those other issues and work together at resolving them, hopefully you will both conclude that the "shoes" were merely a symptom of a deeper problem. Good luck my friend...wishing you the best from nyc.

[Dr. Shoe]

I always find that a good response is to say, "I love you but now that we're discussing these things, is there anything else apart from this particular issue you'd like to discuss?" If she says no then you're alright and you can deal with it but if she starts to come out with a long list of gripes then you need to do some work. I've found in the past that sometimes she will use one particular reason as an excuse to split when there have been a whole host of reasons, but on the other hand, sometimes she just might have a concern which can be easily dealt with. It's always been a secret of our success that Ruth and I have always communicated.

[Danielinheels]

^Yep, what I like to call the Capone complex - for all the other illegal stuff he did, they busted him on tax evasion. Same for Socrates - his "major" crime was alleged association with the Sophists, but there was really no way to prove that so they also threw in the "fact" that he worshipped false gods.

[vee6]

Hi Scotty, thanks for the reminder, been there, don't want to be there, so will keep this to myself I think.. thanks..

[JSpikeheels]

Best wishes to you and your wife as you try to come to some kind of understanding.. ..a wife with serious issues about a sensitive subject like this-it seems to me- would certainly have sent out unmistakeable signals before this... ...one other thought..I would pay attention to how often she brings up this issue on her own...without any prompting from you..you might be able to detect just how divided she wants to be from you on the subject or how unwilling she may be to wish to consider a compromise... ...those of us who are so attuned to the need for spikeheels understand that this is a powerful river of emotion (that runs through us)-- a flow of which most wives and girlfriends have no idea..because high heels are such a part of the female culture the ladies have no concept of what spikeheels mean to us..or where the current forces a channel.. all the best Jim ,

[larry]

Scotty. Please think this thru. I hope that you two can work things out. ....larry

[kneehighs]

Scotty, I have been thinking of you. Hoping for the best and please keep us updated.

[Dawn HH]

Sscotty727:-) Mickey and I both can understand what you and your wife are experiencing and want the both of you to know we support you and hope that your differences can be solved to the satisfaction of all concerned. Keep us posted as to your progress. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[sendra45]

scotty is right.

just because your wife lets you wear heels, dont push your luck without full support from your wife

Nigel

[crotchboots-m]

this reminds me of the old line from the late great johnny cash, "because your mine,i walk the line"

[sendra45]

Guys, Look at it this way. You have more than likely wanted to wear heels for years All your wives have wanted was the perfect wedding with the perfect groom and the perfect life, you wearing heels were never part of that plan, so dont be surprised if she does not understand. To be honest, you are all lucky you are getting away with as much as you do. Please remember this as not everybody is going to understand and perhaps keep the most outragous heels at arms lenth from your SO. Or risk driving her away from you. Nigel

[sscotty727]

A little update. First of all, had a wild day yesterday. My oldest daughter has been home sick all week and my wife had to take her into the doctors. She MIGHT have pneumonia so she will probably have a chest x-ray today. After that, she dropped our 4 yr old daughter off at pre-school. About 30mins before she would have normally got out we get a call she is having a seizure, we after much running around on both our parts, etc, she is fine. Turns out she had an ear infection (never complained or showed any signs of it) and that caused her temp to shoot up rapidly (she had a fever seizure). Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is because today is her birthday (I know, happy birthday huh?). Anyway, since we are going to be running around mad today with dr appointments and such, I gave her her presents last night. After we talked I brought up the topic again of her comment earlier "I love you but I am not in love with you". She said she does love me, it's was just the bra she was having a tough time with. I told her "and I stopped the second you told me it bothered you". Anyway, things SEEM to be ok, I think as long as I keep it to just the descrete wedge heels I have now and stop buying or looking for shoes until I actually need them, I should be ok. Of course the important thing here is that we keep communication channels open. I'd like to add another comment in general here as well. Keep this in mind, the heel thing is usually OUR thing, not HERs (in some rare instances both like it and the women do like it on the men, so in those relationships I say great and go for it!). For the ones were the wife/gf/significant other is hesitent, keep in mind, they don't see the heels in the same way as we do. For my wife, I think she was seeing/feeling less of being married to a "man" and certainly not the same one she married. Sure I haven't changed INSIDE, but you have to agree, I was changing outside. Imagine if your wife started wanting to wear flannel shirts with work boots. Then she wanted to cut her hair short. And finally one day she came in and said she wanted to try a beard. You wouldn't get freaked out? So PLEASE take the time to try to understand what they are seeing/feeling so you can work TOGETHER. We all get too wrapped up and involved and start to just see ourselves I think. Hopefully things are moving back to normal for us, but only time will tell. who knows, maybe the wedges might need to go next, maybe not. But most importantly, I have to evaluate which is more important to me. The heels or the marriage. For me, it's the marriage. If she is uncomfortable and unhappy as a result, the heels go. End of discussion. Maybe that comment is all she needs as well, to know she is more important. Anyway, my warning was just to keep our eyes and ears open and don't assume just cause they aren't complaining and putting on a "happy" face that they are actually happy about it. In her case, she wanted me to be happy but inside she wasn't and was holding it in. Good luck and thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Scotty

[Pam]

Scotty Glad to see things are working out. I wish you the best! In a marriage communication is the strongest cornestone! If that line is open, there is hope to work things out.

[utahnylon]

Scotty, I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, I understand them well. I don't know whether you consider yourself a cross-dresser or not, as to myself, I am. My expressions are in wearing heels, hose, and other lingerie. I've never fully dressed and really don't intend to. I've had these feelings and desires since early childhood. For over a period of nearly 40 years now. One thing that I have learned is that repressing these feelings does not work, they have never gone away, although they do vary in intensity. Previous to a few years ago I would dress, felt guilty, purge, and start all over again. This is a typical cycle for a cross-dresser. After many years and much reflection I've come to realize that wearing these things are ok. I've stopped purging and feeling guilty for my desires. I've given myself permission to wear what I want. I guess I'm saying all of this because I'm not sure how you feel. I'm guessing that you too have had these feelings for a long time. If that's true I hope that you have communicated that to your wife. In talking with mine I've tried to educate her about the hypocrisy that surrounds us. Women do have fashion choice, men do not. In your last posting you made reference to a women wearing flannel shirts with work boots and cutting their hair short. Uhum... They do that every day, and are so accepted. At any given moment women have the choice to express a range of feelings and emotions in their attire, makeup, hairstyle, and etc... For some reason I enjoy the texture, feelings, and look of silk and nylon against my skin. I LOVE heels and the range of shoes that are not traditionally available to men. It frustrates me highly that I am judged negatively for having these desires. In our society gender is highly miss-understood. Physical gender is pretty well set at birth. While behavior, mental, and emotional gender is not, they seem to be more of a spectrum. Unfortunately society tends to be very rigid and unforgiving in areas of gender expression. i.e. Blue for boys and pink for girls. Dolls for girls and trucks for boys. If you step across the gender boundary the repercussions can be extreme, in some case even death as we have seen enforced my macho boys. Society demands conformance that causes people with our desires to become highly confused and depressed at times. Rather than embrace and accept the diversity that we desire we hide and repress it. When your wife said that "your fantasies aren't my fantasies" I feel that there is possibly a disconnect in your communications. Have you expressed that you are not "fantasizing", but rather expressing something in side of you? I wish you and your family the best. I hope you can reach a balance of comfort between your need to express and your wife's understanding of the man that you are. Inside we are the same, that is male and female. We both desire to express and be accepted for who we are.

[larry]

Scotty. I like to think that things are working out for you two. ..Just a thought, I'm certainly no expert. When I was in situations like yours I put the heels away for a while. My wife is sometimes into the fetish aspect of high heels but this is rare. Her interest in heels is more of a fashion thing. When shes in the mood we can share. When shes not I understand and back off all together. I would never tell you what to do but please be carefull.

[JSpikeheels]

Donna and I have been married for thirty seven years..We are both Catholic and place a lot of value on our morality. We have two sons ages thirty six and twenty seven and it never entered our heads that anything should come before those babies..

many of you know love does not suddenly hit you between the eyes at first sight-in many cases Life Creates Love in the sharing of happiness and heartache over days. weeks, months years...

Donna has worn spikeheels since before she met me so she has always had a fondness for them but not necessarily what I would call a "passion"...many times she would say to me "you only married me for someone to wear high heels for you".. "yes, you're right and at the same time I married you because I wanted to make a life together with you and I always wanted you to be the mother of my babies.."

So we reached a level of sort-of agreement she wore them for me every time we went out together but never without me and that drove me crazy..I wanted her, somehow, to understand and support what I thought should be a passion for them..

..but, keep in mind, that this all went on inside my head- and I kept my intensity to myself unless I was overwhelmed with the "need" for her in spikeheels..and we would have our "fights" and pouts and eventually get over them.until the next time....

..and we never let on to the boys and we never let any of this have the least bit of an effect on how or what we did to raise them..

--------------------------

so I made do with whatever I could do or needed to do to keep the feelings subdued and appreciated the wonderful years she has given me..

then, about five years ago Robert moved out for the last time and it was Donna and Jimmy and the rest of our lives was NOW..about that time I was an active participant in Jenny's Forum the precursor to this illustrious Company..I began to share stories, anecdotes and jpgs with Donna of some of the more famous of you..Jane, Debbie(HK) Susan, Jenny-herself- and a number of others..

..and, something began to happen to Donna: she began to turn up in spikeheels at more and more unexpected times..

..one day she and I bumped into one another at a WalMart Store and she was dressed in spikeheels-unplanned and without me..and she started keeping a pair by her lounger at night...and I would creep out and peek and there she would be..

..Donna works as a bakery clerk at a local supermarkt chain-store..she has a pair of spikeheels with her in her conversion van which she changes into and wears home from work every night..

(thought you all'd like this one

..and she wears them at home every single evening..

..so something magical is happening..

I was patient for so many years-ssscottie those years drove me nearly crazy but it's been worth it..

..so encourage your wife as often as you can to share the fetish and be patient with her when she is tired..she will be there for you when you need her and that's all that really matters

good luck to you both..

Jim

[JSpikeheels]

this started out 'for the guys" and turned into a 'celebration of Donna"

...back to my adventures in wearing stilettos and how this all plays in:

every time I was determined to practice and master the art of wearing spikeheels like utahnylons said- I would dispose of the shoes and go into a period of withdrawl until the need simmered long enough and I was back trying them again..

...so flash forward to the last year or so and, again like utahnylon, I decided that I would accept my feelings about wearing spikeheels and just let the sensations dictate what I would do.

..at this point there are two courses of activity taking place:

1) gaining comfort wearing them at home

2) gaining confidence wearing them in public

1) I don't wear them at home all the time but when the feelings come I do not resist..when I am alone the feelings generally last an hour or so then dissipate..sometimes I make a point of being in them when Donna comes home and she is getting accustomed to seeing me in them at home..sometimes I sit with her in our loveseat recliner-she in her white pumps and me in mine..

2) when I drive to her store to pick her up sometimes I wear the boots but don't get out and go in..sometimes when we get home she notices..SOMETIMES SHE DOES NOT

last night I told her "honey, you never have to worry about me showing up to pick you up in a pair of frilly pink stilettos with five inch spikeheels (although I do have a pair of pink five inch mules for home)-

..these are very discreet and yet they are very satisfying and she seems to be coming around..if I could spend more time in them and get natural-enough walking in them I suspect that most of her reservations would be satisfied..

..and, that's the key..at some point she won't think anything much of my big event abnd that's when we'll both know it's only a big thing IF SOMEONE MAKES IT A BIG THING..

who ME??

Jim

[sscotty727]

Jim, First of all, congratulations on your wife, it sounds like you both have come to a new comfortable understanding. Also for others, thanks for your advice, but this isn't about fighting societies sterotypes, it's about what my wife likes and how SHE feels about things. When I mentioned the flannel shirt, work boots and short hair, sure there are alot of women that go out like that in society, just as we proved alot of men wear heels outside in society. This isn't about correcting that "injustice". Imagine you are single and you go to a party. You see attractive women. One dressed like a lumberjack (jeans, flannel shirt, heavy boots, and short hair) and the other dressed seductive (tight dress, high skirt, 5" heels). Now which is going to draw your attention? Suppose you married the second and she started SLOWLY over time dressing like the first (maybe in the first you few years, more jeans, then flannel shirts, after a few years cut her hair shorter and shorter, and finally started to wear work boots). You wouldn't feel a bit disappointed? Maybe that your wife wasn't the same person you married? You wouldn't feel like you wish she was more the women you met at party? Now, take my situation. My wife (and it is within her rights) wants to feel more like she married a man (ok, this is where society dictates that, but during the time she was raised and up to atleast now, men are defined under certain ideas much like women are). To be fair, I first started off wearing an anklet (although not a thin womanly one, but still an anklet). Then I added toe rings. A few years ago, heels (yes, thick heeled and wedges), women's nylon trouser socks (same material as stockings), and finally sports bras. Top that off with me wearing thing pumps when we are alone and imtimate and also requesting we have a night out alone so I can wear my pumps. In her mind, I am becoming more feminine. In her mind, she isn't a lesbian but her former "manly" husband is starting to become more feminine. You can understand where she supports me, loves me, but her desires towards me are slowly being erroded. I think that is where she is at and how she feels. What I need to do is back off a bit (the sports bra went, I promised that we don't have to go out with me in pumps nor will I wear them when we are intimate) and let her see I am still "manly". I think the descrete wedges during the day are probably fine. Anyway, my point of this thread is to understand your situation and try to understand hers likes and dislikes and how she sees you. Don't just assume (like I have) just because she isn't complaining and seeming to be cooperative that inside she isn't "hurting", she might be. Not to sterotype, I know there are exceptions to every rule, but alot of times, Men tend to voice their dissatisfaction (if we don't like something, we say we don't up front) and Women tend to not say what is bothering them, but rather tend to keep it inside, show a brave front and tell you things are bothering them but small subtile hints. Just try to be more careful and more sensitive. Good luck! Scotty

[blackslide]

I am getting in very late into this discussion, but I thank you for sharing this. My wife has very similar feelings to yours, and your post reminded me to consider her feelings. It is easy to become wrapped up in heel wearing and totally igore what the wife is feeling. I think you have acurately described what may be going on in our wives heads. It is also interesting that my wife's desire to wear high heeled shoes seems to have diminished, partially because she has worn them for over 40 years, and partially because she does not want to compete with me. I think she is disgusted seeing me in womens' shoes, but she puts up with it in return for me putting up with some of her quirks. Sometimes it becomes too much for her, and we have an argument which is a sign for me that I am getting too involved in my high heels. This may sound corny, but I give up purchasing any new shoes during Lent. It really helps cool things down between my wife and I and it also helps me get my own head back into persective. After Lent is over, the desire is definately dampened. I know the desire will never go away, but this is a way to keep it in check. I may give up visiting this site for Lent too, since visits here just feed my high heel desires. Just some thoughts.

[sscotty727]

I just wanted to give everyone here a quick update on this. As I said before, two critical things to all this are communication and understanding. First of all, I had open discussions with the wife to understand where she was coming from and what was causing her grief. The other thing is both our abilities to see things from each other’s points of view. The long and short of it is that we were able to work out compromises where I can wear "heels" but still not approach being "feminine". I won't lie and say it's a perfect world, as with everything worthwhile in life, it is a constant work and open communications, but I will say that things are 100% better between us. Another quick comment I would like to interject here. While it is important to be true to yourself and it helps to have support from like minded people on this board, you also have to be careful to not let other peoples likes and desires push you into areas that aren't really apart of you. An example for me was the sports bra thing that turned out to be a major turnoff for my wife. I was never INTO sports bras, never sat and had this desire to wear them. However, I allowed myself to get caught up in discussions here and tried it and felt the need to somehow wear them all the time to be apart of something on the board. Same thing with trying to push my wife into allowing me to wear pumps in public. Not something I have a strong desire to do, but felt the need because of wanting to share in the comradery with the board. I am sure others might have similar situations. As I said before, if that is your thing and it is a part of you, go for it and don't worry about how society views you. However, make sure it really is YOUR thing and not something you are going into just to fit in and be part of the crowd. The consequences can be very bad. Scotty

[Dawn HH]

Well said, Scotty. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[new_look]

good points here. often it can feel like u made some progress in your heeling acceptance etc..... then turns into one step forward two steps back az

[heelme]

How many times in my adult life did I toss out my feminine attire, including boots and shoes only to buy more a month later. My wife is very conservative in how she dresses and lives her life. And, I adore her for it. She had a real tough time coming to grips with my heel wearing and cross dressing. She felt as sscott272's wife, that I was becoming more a woman and less the man she married. She was afraid of what I might do or become. So much so, she left me for a short time. During that time, she finally spoke about her real feelings and how my actions were affecting her. As a result, we search out counseling and that became a turning point. The counselor was an older female and met with each of us independently, then together. During that time, she explained to my wife that the urges I have are not by choice, but almost inescapably ingrained. The long and short of it was my wife came away feeling allot more comfortable about my "kinks" and over several years has come to accept my dressing preferences and has even surprised me with special gifts she's picked up for me. All that said, she's still a conservative thinker and has to warm to new things over time. That's the point, over time. She has to warm to it. A prime example is that she accepts... and even comes to expect to see me in at least high heels around the house, but she is not so warm to the idea of going out in public yet. If there is anything I've learned over these years (married 26), it's to have patience with things like this. I've learned what kind of things she's likely to take some time with and EASE into discussions or requests. It's really tough for me sometimes, but she is soooo worth every effort. I can't imagine being without her. Mainly, communication is where partnerships fail. We both work at not letting that happen. I would agree also that each of us has their own "thing". We share here, in our common ground place, safe with like-minded people. Noone should do something, like street heeling, just to fit in to the group and I dare say, I have never sensed pressure to that affect in any post I've read here. However, from my perspective, this forum has opened my eyes! I feel bolstered by those that have already gone out in public wearing heels and more. I don't want to do that to be like them. I want to do it because I want to do it. This forum has shown me I'm not alone and that's a great thing!

[lorriette]

Heelme. it's easy to get carried away with the iplied success of others. you must feel comfortable with what you are doing.

I do it, and yes, it's great, but if you don't feel confident, my advice is don't. A heelmeet is a great way of testing the water.

A wife on side is a major factor, and i'm glad youv'e the sense to this.

happy heeling!

[Dawn HH]

Well said, Heelme and Loriette. Right on. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[sscotty727]

First and foremost, unless you are single and not in a serious relationship, what your significant other thinks takes priority over how and what you do. Of course you can always end said relationship, but again, you have to take into account which is more important, the relationship or the ability to wear what you want to wear (heels, skirts, bras, panties, whatever).

For me, the relationship comes first and always will come first.

Second, experimentation is always fun and having the backing of like minded people on this board, you might find curiosity to experiment into areas you normally would not have without the board. For me for example, wearing bras and wearing heels in public. Before I found the board, heels (and only heels) was pretty much isolated to inside the house. I think once the idea of wearing heels outside and in public, and more importantly, in my everyday daily life came to my attention, my desire to do just that came to a head. I think that is when my style changed from stilleto pumps inside the house (which is not completely practicle, especially with kids now) changed to first block heels to now descrete wedge heels.

That part is fine because it gave me a way to wear when I enjoyed wearing in my everyday life in a nice descrete fashion which the wife was comfortable (can't say 100% happy, but not upset to where our marriage was at risk).

The issues came about when I started reading about others and their accomplishments, such as going out in stilleto boots and heels, wearing bras, etc. After reading all the fun everyone else was having and having a wife that up to that point was ok with my current fashion trend, I started to slowly push the envelope. First, by getting some thinner heels to wear out "when we can be alone", next, trying and wearing sports bras to finally trying to persuade her into us going out to a movie and dinner with me in stilleto pumps.

Now from everything else people wrote here that all seemed harmless over time, but from her point of view, I was sliding towards more and more and more feminity and less masculinity. "But they can wear what they want, why can't we" is the argument I will probably hear. That is fine and as I said, if I was single and not in a serious relationship. But I am not. Would I like my wife to wear lumberjack boots, cut her hair thin and stop wearing makeup (well, the makeup part yes, but that is another topic). Anyway, no. I wouldn't enjoy seeing my wife become more and more and more maculine over time anymore than her seeing me become feminine. THAT is where we needed to talk it out and determine what "compromises" we could both live with.

For example, here is a pair of shoes she enjoys wearing (she wears a lace version of something like this on a day to day basis)

or this for summer

Now these aren't exactly sexy heels, BUT, they are comfortable to her. Just as the wedge heels in my avatar aren't exactly "sexy" to her, but they are comfortable to me. Both of us can accept the other wearing them, but her seeing me in stilleto pumps is a major turnoff to her.

Again, since my "thing" isn't necessarily wearing pumps in public (nor was it wearing sportsbras), but rather just the feeling of walking with my heel at an arch higher than my toes, the wedge heel fulfills that perfectly. The idea of the others I think came from reading others exploits and wanting to be part of the crowd.

For example, wearing my pumps to/from the office and out to pump gas. That was not as much of a desire of mine, not to say I didn't of course enjoy it, but it was never a passion. I think it became more of an obession so I could come back and report "look what I did today" to the group.

My earlier points are, first focus in on those things that really are passions of yours (for me its just the wearing of a heeled shoe, one that raises your heel higher than your toes, but not necessarily with an actual heel), and THEN work within the environmental constraints your willing to be in. If your married or in a serious relationship, consult with them to determine their comfort factor and then see if a compromise is possible. If none can be reached, then you must decide which is more important to you and work from there. If you are single and not in a serious relationship, are you concerned how others might view you or would you rather be a rebel, etc?

Sorry for the long rambling post, typing as I take a break from work and don't have the time to edit for style.

Good luck,

Scotty

[Dawn HH]

What you say makes a lot of sense, Scotty. Cheers--- Dawn HH