Need advice, plea for help

[RubenScolari]

Hi everybody I am Ruben, I am 28 years old . I am new to this forum.

I don't know if this topic is appropriate for this forum or section. Let me know.

Since I was a child I have always love heels and boots, but I never have the chance to wear and own a par until this year when I could buy 3 of them .

I live in a very conservative nation where is impossible to see man wearing high heels.

Which is making me very sad and anxious, is the fact that I still live with my parents and they don't know about my love for heels. So I had to hide the shoes in a place where they can't find them.

This is making me very anxious , and also I have been struggling with panic attacks. This panic attacks I think are not entirely caused by the shoe issue, but some part of it. However they are occuring to me very often, and I want this anxiety to stop.

So, I would like to know if someone have go through a similar situation, and how they managed to overcome it.

I was thinking in throwing away my shoes in order to calm my anxiety, but I really don't want to do so and also I don't know if my anxiety will fade out after that.

Is there and advice you can give me to accept my love for shoes , and to be more calm about that? I think that my parents wouldn't be angry with me if the find me, but it would be very hard to explain.

Thank you very much for reading me.

 

[p1ng74]

Welcome to the forum!  What kind of heels do you own?  You are probably correct, and depending on the style of heels you have, there is probably a way to explain your interest and not be too anxious about it.  

[RubenScolari]

12 minutes ago, p1ng74 said:

Welcome to the forum!  What kind of heels do you own?  You are probably correct, and depending on the style of heels you have, there is probably a way to explain your interest and not be too anxious about it.  

I don't really know the name.. if you search " High heels sandals", you can get an idea .

[pebblesf]

Hi Ruben, thanks for taking the time to write here and trust us with your fears.  I am guessing you are relatively young, but that is because you mentioned living with your parents.  Trust me, we understand, many of us have had to deal with similar issues.  You are not alone buddy, and are among friends here.  

Society (at least here in the states), loves to silently dictate how "traditional men and women should behave".  We don't all fit into those vague definitions.  But, it is so important for you to realize, that enjoying wearing heels and boots has nothing to do with sexual identity and preference.  Take some time to read posts here, you will see that many of the guys have wives/girlfriends, and are "straight".  Enjoying heels is not restricted to gay guys, all guys can enjoy them, and do.  

All that being said, I am not trying to minimize your feelings/worries, I totally understand.  I guess one of the benefits of getting a little older is that we lose all those fears about "what others might think....".   Guys can look great in heels, and often times having the courage to wear what you want is seen as confident and masculine as well..  Heels are not just for women, it is important to remember that it was men that first wore heels several hundred years ago, then women somehow took over this fashion trend.  

I'm sorry you feel the need to get rid of your heels, but understand that also, many of us have been through this same issue.  The important thing to remember is that discarding your heels won't remove your desire to wear them....  You will probably purchase more heels in the future.  But, I understand your fears that the parents may find them leading to an uncomfortable situation.  We understand for sure.  Do you have any trusted friends/relatives you could reveal your love of heels to?  Having someone to talk to will make a big difference and help you to feel much better, and not worry so much.  

Stay strong buddy, keep coming back here for support and encouragement....Don

[Chorlini]

Can you tell us from which country you are? That might give us an idea as to what advice to give you. If for instance you are from Bulgaria I'd advise you something differen then if you were from Afghanistan or Uganda. To name just a few.

[Isolathor]

He is from Urugay, it is in his profile information.

Edited July 30, 2021 by Isolathor

[RubenScolari]

On 7/29/2021 at 5:46 PM, pebblesf said:

Hi Ruben, thanks for taking the time to write here and trust us with your fears.  I am guessing you are relatively young, but that is because you mentioned living with your parents.  Trust me, we understand, many of us have had to deal with similar issues.  You are not alone buddy, and are among friends here.  

Society (at least here in the states), loves to silently dictate how "traditional men and women should behave".  We don't all fit into those vague definitions.  But, it is so important for you to realize, that enjoying wearing heels and boots has nothing to do with sexual identity and preference.  Take some time to read posts here, you will see that many of the guys have wives/girlfriends, and are "straight".  Enjoying heels is not restricted to gay guys, all guys can enjoy them, and do.  

All that being said, I am not trying to minimize your feelings/worries, I totally understand.  I guess one of the benefits of getting a little older is that we lose all those fears about "what others might think....".   Guys can look great in heels, and often times having the courage to wear what you want is seen as confident and masculine as well..  Heels are not just for women, it is important to remember that it was men that first wore heels several hundred years ago, then women somehow took over this fashion trend.  

I'm sorry you feel the need to get rid of your heels, but understand that also, many of us have been through this same issue.  The important thing to remember is that discarding your heels won't remove your desire to wear them....  You will probably purchase more heels in the future.  But, I understand your fears that the parents may find them leading to an uncomfortable situation.  We understand for sure.  Do you have any trusted friends/relatives you could reveal your love of heels to?  Having someone to talk to will make a big difference and help you to feel much better, and not worry so much.  

Stay strong buddy, keep coming back here for support and encouragement....Don

Thanks for your comment, it has really helped me a lot. It is true I shouldn't worry that much. And also it is true that discarding them won't help, in fact I have discarded a pair of boots in the past, and then I bought my other shoes. I will try to talk about it with my girlfriend, maybe not telling directly what asking for her opinion about the topic, maybe her answer can help me. Thank you very much for the support. 

16 hours ago, Chorlini said:

Can you tell us from which country you are? That might give us an idea as to what advice to give you. If for instance you are from Bulgaria I'd advise you something differen then if you were from Afghanistan or Uganda. To name just a few.

Yes , I am from Uruguay, South America. Here is not common to see man in heels. I think it could be risky to wear them in public. Some people could be violent, especially men. Not necessarily physically but verbally. 

Luckily, I don't aim to wear them in public. But buying them, even online, would make me anxious. However I am not planning to buy more shoes now, but surely I will do it when I live without my parents.

[Chorlini]

On 7/30/2021 at 11:58 PM, RubenScolari said:

Thanks for your comment, it has really helped me a lot. It is true I shouldn't worry that much. And also it is true that discarding them won't help, in fact I have discarded a pair of boots in the past, and then I bought my other shoes. I will try to talk about it with my girlfriend, maybe not telling directly what asking for her opinion about the topic, maybe her answer can help me. Thank you very much for the support. 

Yes , I am from Uruguay, South America. Here is not common to see man in heels. I think it could be risky to wear them in public. Some people could be violent, especially men. Not necessarily physically but verbally. 

Luckily, I don't aim to wear them in public. But buying them, even online, would make me anxious. However I am not planning to buy more shoes now, but surely I will do it when I live without my parents.

Okay, if you're not from a country that might stone you for displaying what is considered feminine behavior, and you're not planning to wear them outside, I'd say your priority and solution would be to get your own place. When you have your own home you can do and wear inside whatever you want. Although I reckon your girlfriend might not like you wearing heels. Most women don't seem to be. They'll cheer about how stunning and brave some guy in the news is who wears heels. But when it comes to their own boyfriends or husbands they're more traditional then the Taliban. It's okay for other men to be stunning and brave, just not their man. There are some women who are okay with it, this forum has many such cases, but even then a grudging acceptance seems to be best they got, bound in strict rules. Expect her to not like it at all. Kinda like expect the worst, that way it can only get better.

[Twilight]

Hi Ruben and welcome to HHplace! I hope you'll make some great friends here!

I've been through this same exact thing that you're going through right now. For as long as I remember, despite being a straight guy, I've been obsessing over high heels and I was around 10 years old when my mom first caught me because I took one of her shoes for a few minutes and then didn't put it back the exact same way it was beforehand. To say she wasn't happy about it is a big understatement and it solidified my introverted mentality for life. Back then she thought I'll eventually grow out of it, but fun fact: no. Contrary to this, I started wearing them as much as I could and paid special attention to put the shoes back to their orginal place the exact same way they were. The more you're trying to completely restrict someone from doing what they truly enjoy, the more they want to do it anyways, especially with children.

I think the problem here is that modern society loves to judge a book by it's cover and - by extension - judge people based on what they're wearing. Because if you're a man and like more traditionally feminine things (like wearing heels), they automatically assume that you're gay / trans without giving it a second thought. There are two things that are wrong about this though:
1) A lot of gay people actually hate feminine things, that's - partially - why they don't want a woman in their life to begin with. (Obviously, there are a lot of gay people who loves wearing heels for example, I'm just saying this because not many think about the other side of that group who dislike everything even remotely feminine.)
2) A person's outfit may or may not represent his/her sexual orientation and preferences, he/she wears it because that's what they like / that's what makes them feel comfortable. [And while I'm at it let me vent about society just a little more: Look I'm all for gender-equality, but I find it so sad how most people react to woman wearing a football / soccer athlete's outfit (Oh wow, look how cool she is, I bet she has lots of male friends!) vs how they react to a guy wearing a princess' dress (Oh look, what a lame clown, he'll never going to be father like that.) All I'm asking is, Where's the equality here?]

With that out of the way, here are some tips:
1) DEFINITELY seek medical attention with your panic attacks as soon as possible. I'm not sure what are the factors that trigger these, but you only got one heart and once that goes out of service, you die, and things like these panic attacks certainly increase your chances of getting a cardiac arrest for example; it's not a game. If it's your parents and their presence is what's causing this, I highly encourage getting a house / apartment of your own, where you have the freedom to wear heels as much as you want!
2) The space under your bed and your drawers are the best spots where you can hide your heels. They helped me a lot throughout my childhood.
3) If your current relationship is serious (aka you look at your current girlfriend as a person you want live the rest of your life with), drop the info while it's hot! Definitely tell her about your high heels. Being able to letting your guard down and the willingness to be 100% honest and up-front with your partner is crucial for any healthy long-lasting relationship and you absolutely want to tell her about it before she finds your heels on her own and assume it's another girl's. That can happen 40 hours or even 40 years from now and you definitely don't want to be on the receiving end of it. Once you tell it to her, she'll probably going to dip while saying "I need to think about it on my own." Let her go, don't stand in her way! And if you never hear from her again, I'm terribly sorry, but it was probably for the better.

[RubenScolari]

On 8/2/2021 at 7:09 PM, Twilight said:

Hi Ruben and welcome to HHplace! I hope you'll make some great friends here!

I've been through this same exact thing that you're going through right now. For as long as I remember, despite being a straight guy, I've been obsessing over high heels and I was around 10 years old when my mom first caught me because I took one of her shoes for a few minutes and then didn't put it back the exact same way it was beforehand. To say she wasn't happy about it is a big understatement and it solidified my introverted mentality for life. Back then she thought I'll eventually grow out of it, but fun fact: no. Contrary to this, I started wearing them as much as I could and paid special attention to put the shoes back to their orginal place the exact same way they were. The more you're trying to completely restrict someone from doing what they truly enjoy, the more they want to do it anyways, especially with children.

I think the problem here is that modern society loves to judge a book by it's cover and - by extension - judge people based on what they're wearing. Because if you're a man and like more traditionally feminine things (like wearing heels), they automatically assume that you're gay / trans without giving it a second thought. There are two things that are wrong about this though:
1) A lot of gay people actually hate feminine things, that's - partially - why they don't want a woman in their life to begin with. (Obviously, there are a lot of gay people who loves wearing heels for example, I'm just saying this because not many think about the other side of that group who dislike everything even remotely feminine.)
2) A person's outfit may or may not represent his/her sexual orientation and preferences, he/she wears it because that's what they like / that's what makes them feel comfortable. [And while I'm at it let me vent about society just a little more: Look I'm all for gender-equality, but I find it so sad how most people react to woman wearing a football / soccer athlete's outfit (Oh wow, look how cool she is, I bet she has lots of male friends!) vs how they react to a guy wearing a princess' dress (Oh look, what a lame clown, he'll never going to be father like that.) All I'm asking is, Where's the equality here?]

With that out of the way, here are some tips:
1) DEFINITELY seek medical attention with your panic attacks as soon as possible. I'm not sure what are the factors that trigger these, but you only got one heart and once that goes out of service, you die, and things like these panic attacks certainly increase your chances of getting a cardiac arrest for example; it's not a game. If it's your parents and their presence is what's causing this, I highly encourage getting a house / apartment of your own, where you have the freedom to wear heels as much as you want!
2) The space under your bed and your drawers are the best spots where you can hide your heels. They helped me a lot throughout my childhood.
3) If your current relationship is serious (aka you look at your current girlfriend as a person you want live the rest of your life with), drop the info while it's hot! Definitely tell her about your high heels. Being able to letting your guard down and the willingness to be 100% honest and up-front with your partner is crucial for any healthy long-lasting relationship and you absolutely want to tell her about it before she finds your heels on her own and assume it's another girl's. That can happen 40 hours or even 40 years from now and you definitely don't want to be on the receiving end of it. Once you tell it to her, she'll probably going to dip while saying "I need to think about it on my own." Let her go, don't stand in her way! And if you never hear from her again, I'm terribly sorry, but it was probably for the better.

Thank you for the advice . I have searched for medical treatment, feeling better right now. I have realized that my love for heels is a part of me and I can't leave it. 

[Twilight]

11 hours ago, RubenScolari said:

Thank you for the advice . I have searched for medical treatment, feeling better right now. I have realized that my love for heels is a part of me and I can't leave it. 

I'm glad that you're feeling better and I wish you the very best! It makes me super happy that people make their lives better by listenning to what I'm posting Online. I'm not used to this feeling but it feels really heartwarming!

By the way, have you had a chance to tell your girlfriend about all of this? And if so, how did she react?