Emotional Pain - Please help...

[heels4toni]

Hi Guys, thanks for being real and supporting each other. I take comfort in knowing cool people are out there with similar interests.

It has been a while since I made a post here. I have been visiting occasionally. Well, Halloween is around the corner and I am having a tougher time. I'll explain...

I find it is so difficult to get the courage to wear heels in public. I have been walking into stores trying to get the courage to try heels on too but always fail due to chickening out. Myhope is if I could at least try on shoes indoors, it would alleviate some of the pain of not being able to wear heels. Plus, the thrill of buying a new pair is exciting too!

Most of my fear I think is the information getting to my employer affecting my job, or my wife which would affect my marriage. There are all these people with cell cams, there are cameras in stores, people around. Heck, today I was at second hand store and a girl took a look at me and scattered once she realized I was shopping for the same thing.

I don't get why society has suppressed men to this point where women are free while men have to be men.

Why Not!

Like I said what ever is what you like GO FOR IT!

Enjoy your Life for what makes you Happy!

Not to please what others think!

The above quote is so true, but not so easy. Any help would be welcomed. Thanks...

[roniheels]

You're not the only one here with those feelings. As I have told many like you ... don't pressure yourself! This is not a competition. You're not being judged. If this is something you want to do, think it through, take your time, plan it out, do short outings in not so heavy populated areas and maybe even at night as many have done, but don't feel like you have to do this and worry about the consequenses. Do it in private and decide if you do want to go public. But there is no penalty if you don't wear high heels in public. For heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up.

[wood&metal]

First issue, above anything else, is with your wife... As a single guy who's failed in that area, I have no advice to offer...Sorry.. As for the general public.. Heels or not, I don't think it matters much... You may not realize it when not out in heels, but there's always going to be someone who looks at you in a strange way, no matter how "normal" you might appear... If you go out in heels, the best you can do is not be "sheepish" looking...That will only alert others... Relax as much as possible..hard to do sometimes, I know... Try to present an air about yourself like you belong where you are, and how you are...

[heelguy]

Confidence is EVERYTHING, it is the key to wearing and trying on heels out in public. I know it's alot easier said than done, but trust me we've all felt the same feelings you are. If you're feeling extremely conscious of what you're doing then maybe plan a day to go out of your way to a place where you might feel more comfortable knowing that everybody around you is a stranger and there's less risk of your job being affected (although if your job was ever affected by the boss finding out you wear high heels in your own time you could take them to unfair dismisal, so i wouldnt worry too much) Wearing heels, for me atleast is all about indulging myself and having fun, but in your head you're making it seem like you're doing a bad thing which is DEFINATELY not the case. Seriously, the best advice anybody can give you is to just get out there, bite the bullet and do it! i promise you will not regret it and you'll be thrilled with your acheivement and the excitement it brings!

[Dante]

You're not the only one here with those feelings. As I have told many like you ... don't pressure yourself! This is not a competition. ... But there is no penalty if you don't wear high heels in public. For heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up.

Like roniheels and others suggest, it is about you having fun and liking what you do. Don't put yourself under so much pressure. Up to now i was not heeling in bright day light, but already went out shopping for heels. I never stumbled upon super unfriendly sales-personal and only felt comfortable to try on heels, when i had a good feeling for it. My resume is that there were 3 shops where they were super friendly and giving me advices what to choose and another 3 shops where they were friendly but not so relaxed. There was no occasion where there was unfriendly or impolite staff. So my hint would be as heelguys. Maybe take some time and go/drive to a place where you feel more comfortable and be sure not to bump into friends, family a.s.o. for your shopping.

Hope you are doing well and again, don't pressure yourself too much as you won't be relaxed enough to just do it.

[jdmonto]

I think that the most important part of this is, like heelguy said, that this is not a bad thing by any measure, you are not doing anything wrong by wearing heels. From my point of view, the more complicated point of your post is the wife, this forum has a lot of stories of people who decide to tell the wife (or long time partner) about the heels and all kind of reactions, so in this regard you have to be the judge if/how/when you want to tell her, but this much i can assure you: if you decide to hide this from her (and still buy and wear heels at home), she will find them eventually, and it will be a lot worse than if you just tell her (but again, only you know her, so judge her reaction carefully). As for wearing them in public, don't worry, you don't have any sort of obligation to do that, i for example don't do it, i just wear my heels in private and im quite happy (sure, public would be best, but private is good enough for me). Another thing that i would tell you is, read this forum, this forum gave me the courage to do things that would be unthinkable last year (from the support and stories i found here, i told my GF about my desire to wear heels, started to buy them and last night even asked for shoes in my size at a store), maybe you can find the courage you want, but don't pressure yurself too much, heeling is supoused to be a good experience (very good one actually) not a pain for you. Finally, here is an idea for halloween, why don't you take the oportunity to disguise yourself as a girl (heels included of course), in my city is normal to see men wearing dresses and heels in halloween partys under the excuse that it's just a costume, this way you may get to actually go public for a day without all that pressure, and maybe even a way to ease your wife into the idea (you know what? this shoes i tried for the custome ar not so bad etc), now this idea is probably dumb, farfetched and goes without any warranty, but it may also work to at least have your private heeling, just consider things carefully since you are the only one who can guess what the reactions will be.

[HappyinHeels]

heels4toni--- Like others have noted; 1-This is not a competition so there's no pressure on you EXCEPT perhaps what you heap upon yourself; 2-It is all about the CONFIDENCE you exude unto others; 3-Yes, what your loved ones think and how they react is important but it is even more important that the individual (YOU) is able to thrive and live the quality of life you seek. If more of the world accepted others AS IS then this would be a better world indeed. Could any significant other in your life articulate how the wearing of heels changes your soul??? If it's difficult to articulate then chances are it's even harder to defend such narrowmindedness. Once you show the confidence to go into a store and search for what you want, try it on, and stride up to the checkout you become an equal consumer--deserving of respect and dignity. I do believe Canada's Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees it but you must exercise it. I buy from stores such as Baker's, DSW, and Macy's and have never had anything except professional and efficient service. Go in, when a sales associate approaches you, tell her (or him) what you are looking for. Women especially already know if you are shopping for yourself by your demeanor. Act confidently and the world will respond positively 99.5% of the time. HappyinHeels:wavey:

[Dr. Shoe]

Firstly, I can't see what the hell it is to do with your employer what you do in your spare time. Secondly, your wife might actually like you in heels. Thirdly, the girl in the thrift shop probably didn't "scatter", she was probably done browsing and moved on. Halloween is a great time to get your heels on (though I don't dress en femme for halloween) and then there is nothing stopping you from saying to wifey: "you know what? I really like wearing heels!" It is also a great excuse for going into a shop and trying them on and I should expect that sales of heels to men jump about 1000% at this time of year... Trick or treat!

[Mindsflight]

Hello, im sorry to hear of your negative experiences, i know of the idiots that must heckle or reach for their cameras when they see something even slightly different. Remember that they are merely cowards that hate you for your ability to be an indervidual.. whenever i have been heckled by such people, i walk toward them and they have never ran so fast. I do have some advice which helped me and i hope itl help others too for building confidence. Firstly i must say that where i live, wearing anything unusual can result in a visit to the hospital or worse. To increase your confidence... start off small, wear something that you would usually feel awkward wearing due to public opinion.. like a vivid piece of clothing, spiky hair etc etc .. therefore the negative reactions and looks will be there BUT to a lesser extent, then as you adapt and learn to dismiss the narrowmindedness, then you can up it to wearing heels. You shouldnt feel bad, but proud that you are being who YOU want to be. Good luck and remember that your bravery shall inspire others and then WE can heckle and take photos of the poor little scared conformists. I hope i helped.

[heels4toni]

Thank you everybody... Really kind of you to take the time to help me. My challenge is I can't wear heels at home, I can't wear them in public and everybody is more or less expecting you to be somewhere at some time. My wife is a sweetheart but I KNOW she will hate this. I have hinted as dressing en femme for halloween in the past just to be able to wear heels. I also haven't always wanted to wear feminine footwear it just built up over time. BUT! This morning before work I decided to pull out my 4.5 platform stiletto boots which I have been wanting to wear since I bought them in the summer. I ended up putting gas in the car, purposely paid cash so I would walk to the attendant. Then I went to do some banking. Got a glare from one guy and panicked at first but then though "I am only human" and kept walking. Your help has been tremendous and I was looking for a way to sum up all the kind words of encouragement. I think that guy glaring at me helped me to sum up everything. As said above, "I [we] are only human." Thanks again so much you all are tremendous.

[heels4toni]

My apologies for the icon. I wanted to display just a smiley! LOL

[Steve63130]

There's a lot of great advice in this thread. No one is pressuring anyone else to wear heels in public or tell your wife. We who have done it, though, can advise that guys can wear in public, and hardly anyone cares. We mostly agree that you should tell your wife, too. You really don't need her approval (does she ask you for your approval on everything she likes to wear?), but if she objects, tell her about this web site and tell her you'll wear heels only when she's not home. The point is to let her know that you have your stash of shoes (and whatever else) and it doesn't belong to some other woman, so when she finds it she won't go ballistic. Thus you're not keeping any secrets from her. Marriages with secrets can implode if a spouse finds out.

Steve

www.comfilon.com

[JohnH]

As far as my wife is concerned - I put all my medium heeled and high heeled shoes, skirts, and dresses in plain sight in the closet, and wear those garments openly around my wife. I don't feel that I need to ask her permission to wear them. I might add that she does not wear any of those types of apparel at all.

[Dr. Shoe]

My wife would have to be blind and stupid not to know I love heels (and dressing en femme). She, of course, is neither!

[heels4toni]

You guys are right about telling my wife. But, I have tried to communicate it subtly in the past. It is a very sensitive situation especially when children are in involved. I am a man, I know it. My liking for heels I suppose is because I like them so much on women and the stress relief is major for me too. I am trying to find a way and just coming out and saying it is not easy.

[Tech]

I am trying to find a way and just coming out and saying it is not easy.

The funny thing is...

A) That truly is the easiest thing to do.

That truly is the ONLY thing to do.

The more YOU build it into "Something we need to talk about" then it goes from a bit of casual fashion fun into something dark and odd, and hidden that the husband has been hiding.

[JohnH]

You really need to tell your wife about your desires to wear heels. Wearing heels is quite minor as compared to possible scenarios such as your running around with other women or spending large amounts of time looking at porn.

I don't get why society has suppressed men to this point where women are free while men have to be men.

[My soapbox answer]

It is because men have allowed this situation to happen. It used to be that women had to women - they could not wear pants. Women had to be brave to risk arrest or being labeled as being crazy for wearing pants. At least I am not risking arrest for wearing skirts and heels publicly.

Do look at the bright side of things - men now can have long hair, shave their legs, arms, and bodies, paint their toenails, have pierced ears with earrings, and wear necklaces and bracelets without being criticized.

And if a man wants to wear makeup he can wear foundation, concealers, bronzers, eyebrow pencil, eyeliner and mascara.

So there are a lot more freedom for men than there were in the 1950's

I do my part in relaxing the constraints further by wearing clothes and shoes not commonly worn by men - i.e., skirts, dresses, and heels. If enough men go against the the narrow constraints things will change.

[end of soapbox]

[mtnsofheels]

Hi heels4toni, First off welcome, it is nice to see another Cdn here. You are in the middle of this with no way out it seems. Be kind to your self, do not stress about it. Life is way to short to get balled up in fear and get yourself no where but further into a vicious circle. We all see your situation and feel for you. But now and/or in the end you will have to come to terms with your situation. Only you can really do what is best for you. You have to answer to yourself first, and honestly, then to your wife honestly and then others if needed. The potential is you push yourself dangerously into areas of no return. So if you were to buy a motorcycle or a boat would have to ask or hide it from people? If your wife wanted to do the same does she have to hide it? Then if that was that way she thought of you would it change with anything you wanted to get? Remember now, as John H. stated, we have so many avenues to be able express ourselves. But the longer it is hidden the worse it is to tell the truth and get an understanding from her. It is a perspective, since most women cross dress by wearing pants and other traditional male items we should be able to wear some things without having to worry too. That said you have to have your wants too. Because this will not go away, will all have dealt with these demons but once you embrace yourself there is no demon left to push you around. There are many examples of our types to show your wife, if she loves you and accepts you this should be allowed to ask her without guilt. Hope it allows to proceed to mental freedom....it has to work for you too! Regards, Mtnsofheels

[JohnH]

It's very striking that if you look at crossdressers.com the section Male-to-Female-CrossDressers has over 20 times the threads and postings as the Transmasculine (female to male) section.

Women have the freedom to wear men's clothing and shoes in our society, but there is the strong disapproval of men wearing women's clothing and shoes. Those restrictions are not a healthy thing for society. With these restrictions placed on men there are a lot of situations where men simply go whole hog and imagine themselves as women and attempt to speak and act like women, and take on feminine names. It would be a lot more wholesome for men to be allowed to wear anything they want, as long as the clothing is modest.

I wear my skirts, dresses, and heels as a man and I simply can't imagine myself as a woman, speaking like a woman [my speaking voice is the same pitch as Joe Friday of Dragnet, but not as raspy], acting like a woman or taking on a feminine name. I especially like to wear a dress since there is no binding around the waist, and I like the way it looks.

[roniheels]

Be upfront and honest. Speaking from experience, don't try to hide something like this or it will burn you in the end. My biggest regret is not being honest with my ex-. I don't want to paint a rose-colored picture because I know some guys who enjoyed cross-dressing in feminine attire, they hid this fact from their wives for years, one day finally told them, and sadly their spouses wouldn't accept the fact and their marriages ended. But I don't want to paint a gloom-and-doom picture. You'll see many posts here of men who confronted their GF's, SO's, or wives, and they were very understanding about their enjoyment of high heels and women's attire. Whatever and however you decide, good luck to you.