Post Your Jokes Here

[Dr. Shoe]

I went to Oxford Street to buy a cooker but the shop I went into didn't do them. They only sell fridges!

[JeffM]

Getting on in years – Here’s what the future holds (or is it now?) An elderly Victorian called 000 (same as 911) on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" No," the second Man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was Falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled own to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks for a minute and says, "Close enough." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I’ve just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the South-East Freeway: Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Bubba136]

The Parrot =========== Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[J-Nation]

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything. They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of. The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop. Hey! he said... "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer...? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage of "Stars in their Eyes", and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair, can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs." MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year." Much applause. MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?" Simon: "Tonight Matthew,... I'm going to be.... Simon and half-uncle."

[JeffM]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: red, green, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[sscotty727]

Hi All,

I just "stumbled" into this link:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

Read it VERY carefully. It looks like a page-not-found error, but it is not.

Scotty

[Bubba136]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

[hoverfly]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[JeffM]

Ed Zachary Disease... A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. After entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my Gosh, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse". Jeff

[Francis]

Subject: Over 35 People over 35 should be dead. Here's why ............ According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!! People under 30 are WIMPS !

[Dr. Shoe]

Hear here!

[Dr. Shoe]

A 46 year old woman was keen to please her daughter by accompanying her to the disco to watch her enter a dancing competition. She said to the person next to her: "Look at that girl with the green hair dancing in yellow skintight jeans and 6" heels!" To which the person replied: "That's not a girl, that's my son!" She said:" I'm sorry! I didn't realise you were his father!" "I'm not! I'm his mother!"

[Dr. Shoe]

A woman fed her horse on tomatoes, lettuce and cucumber. Just so she could ride side-salad!

[azraelle]

[American] Indian birth control: They'd put a pebble in the brave's moccasin--it made him limp.

[JeffM]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods. DATING (outside the family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATRE ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight. 2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too Jeff

[Bubba136]

They're a tough lot, them Aussies! :rofl:

[hoverfly]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York...The ship hit an iceberg and sank.... and the cargo was forever lost.... The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery.... were disconsolate at the loss.... Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known.... of course.... as Sinko de Mayo...

[Firefox]

A Tommy Cooper original. God bless him Ahem, Tommy Cooper accent: "Oh dear, oh dear, ahah... Gorra bit of a problem...quite personal you see...gorra steering wheel in my underpants........it's driving me nuts."

[Robert]

SYSTEM UPGRADE Dear Technical Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, DESPERATE ************************************************** ******** Reply: Dear Desperate: First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck, TECHNICAL SUPPORT

[Dr. Shoe]

I was having similar problems with Wife 1.0 which came bundled with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which was causing awful Interference.wav files. I moving Mother-in-law 1.0 to c:\Old Folks Home but it kept getting rejected and I found that Wife 1.0 was reinstalling her in c:\Marital Home. In the end I was forced to uninstall Wife 1.0 and all the associated utilities such as Car Borrow 2.0, and Take me shopping 4.2. In doing so I found that all the incompatibilty problems with Lads night out 6.0 and Freedom 8.0 disappeared. For a while I was running various Girlfriend programs includiing some demos and shareware titles before settling on Wife 2.0 which I installed the standard version which comes with the main Mother-in-law program disabled but gets around the major problems arising by the clever use of Occasional Visit 1.0 and Daily Phonecall 3.0 which suits me fine. Owing to using different marital home software, I have no real need to run LadsNightOut 6.0 and have easy access to Freedom 8.0 including all my HighHeel.wav files as long as these are kept behind the firewall.

[new_look]

very good

[JeffM]

Very good you two. I am impressed with the ingenuity of it as well as the humorous side. Jeff

[JeffM]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Rgadres JMeff

[Bubba136]

Clever, clever, clever!!!!!!!!

[Robert]

:rofl: That's a good one Dr. Shoe!!!

[Firefox]

Everyone seems obsessed with the problems of installing various updates of girlfriend and wife software to look after their hard drive. An alternative is to keep a spare copy of whoregirl 4.0 on a diskette. That way you avoid the other issuses, as you can simply insert your floppy into the slot whenever it takes your fancy

[shyguy]

Bear in mind if the whoregirl diskette leaves you with a virus on the floppy's boot sector, wife(all current versions) on discovering virus may remove floppy forcibly, so disabling the whole drive. In all the safest option is to stick with one wife/girlfriend package and realise that sometimes you have to live with some "features" you may not require. For the more geeky, Always practice safe hex

[Dr. Shoe]

:rofl:

[Dr. Shoe]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig

to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr

the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and

lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,

but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Rgadres

JMeff

Taht qitue aznimag! We eevn msis eitnre wdros the sntnece slitl snese!

[Robert]

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb? ----------------------------------------------------- 1 to change the light bulb. 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" Another 6 to condemn those 6 as retentive. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp." 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 156 to email the participants' ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy." 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum. 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs. 27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too." 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three." 4 to say "didn't we go through this a year ago?" 143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs." 16 to say, "I sent you a private message about light bulbs." 1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 weeks from now to start it all over again