Post Your Jokes Here

[Yamyam]

My son (17) wears a t-shirt that says "Chaos and Disorder! My work is done here."

I have the keyring!

My Dad, by contrast, has one that says "Why be difficult, when with a little more effort, you could be *impossible*"

[Robert]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!" The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here." The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it." The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this." The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes. The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win." The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't f**k it... he'll play it."

[Julietta]

:rofl: That's one for the email

[Robert]

Help from John An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, John, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear John, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love John At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances! Love John. Now thats creative!

[Julietta]

I love that one too

[azraelle]

I LOOOVE stories about using the "system" against itself!

[Julietta]

Dear IT Support Help Desk, Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, PartyGirl 2.1, which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 2.1 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all of my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus, CleanHouse 2000 and WashUp XP. Shortly after this upgrade however, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run; For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-Mail Pornfilter and can, without warning launch PhotoStrop and WhingeZip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments, and also HairStyleExpress which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW 7 series programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. I installed new driver software, Backseat 3.1, but this interrupts any programme I am running with frequent irritating and unnecessary instructions. It came with a new version of Mapreader 2003, which is worse than useless, and appears to be upside down. Furthermore, Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which cannot be turned off. Recently I have attempted to install Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, as a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it tends to delete all MS Money files before permanently un-installing itself.

[jim]

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area... The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill. If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. * Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash. Beauty is only a light switch away. * Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C. Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" * Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. * Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. * Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz. A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. * Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex. Watch out for gay limbo dancers. * Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room? Express Lane: Five beers or less. * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz. You're too good for him. * Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. * Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. * Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY jim

[xaphod]

Oh dear .... washroom graffiti I suppose I'm as guilty as the rest having remembered this one from a toilet in Welwyn Garden City from about 1967. If you use this noble hall, Use the paper, not the wall, If there's no paper to be found, Run your bum along the ground ! ................................ hell, I've been waiting 30 years for this moment. Xa

[Robert]

Just a word palindrome (not letter) : You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you. :rofl: :drinking:

[squirrelheels]

Adding to the t-shirt quotes, my brother has a couple: My brain works like lightening - one flash and it's gone! and one about reality, but I forget the exact phrasing. I'll post when he next wears it! SH

[jim]

If you have ever been in a C130 with jato assist you'll know the rush ! True story btw.... The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short jungle airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become an insignificant passenger for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

[Robert]

:rofl:

[azraelle]

Back to memorable graffitti: From a portable outhouse in a (nuclear experiment construction) tunnel at the Nevada (Nuclear) Test Site, several years ago: Drive 30 rockbolts, $14 an hour. Drive 10 rockbolts, $14 an hour. Drive 1 rockbolt, $14 an hour. Write on shithouse wall, $14 an hour. John Wayne's toilet paper--rougher than hell, won't take shit off anyone! This is a teepee to take a peepee, not a wigwam to beat your tomtom.

[Yamyam]

During a visit in the computer center at Uni, I noticed someone had written on the wall: "In case of fire, please see opposite wall!" Naturally, I looked round to see, you've guessed it: "No, in case of *fire*, dummy!" I laughed!

[jim]

He said, she said A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you." _______________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." She said - "Well, you succeeded." ______________________ He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said - "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa with the remote and pass gas." _______________________ He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." ______________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ______________________ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Florida." And they say blondes are dumb.... _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40thwedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! _______________________ A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[bob2hh]

Hope you will excuse my poor English skills ... A flea (Joe) finds another flea (Dick) he hadn’t seen for a long time. Joe.- Hi, Dick, how are you doing ? Dick.- Well, everything right, except for this terrible cold I can’t get rid of. Joe.- True indeed. You look really bad. Dick.- Yeah, it’s terrible. I have tried everything, but I can’t get rid of this cold. Joe.- Maybe you suffer from the same problem I used to have. I used to sleep in a homeless dog, and you know, it was always wet, cold, terrible. But I managed to solve the problem by moving. I moved to sleep in a human instead of a dog. Dick.- True, but I already tried the same, I moved to sleep in a human as well and you see, nothing changed. Even worse than on dogs. Joe.- Dear Dick, may I ask you what kind of human did you move to ? Dick.- I moved to sleep in the moustache of a Harley-Davidson bike rider. Joe.- Of course ! That’s the reason ! Don’t you realise that this is a very bad place ? Considering these guys drink beer like animals and they keep always the moustache wet, and after that they ride their bikes, most of the time without helmet, you are just going to sleep in a wet place under a strong flow of cold air. Nothing could be worse for your cold. Dick.- So what could I do instead ? Joe.- Just do like me: Move to the pussy of a beautiful girl. You will be warm, protected, surrounded by fine clothes, ... it’s paradise. Dick.- Not a bad idea. I will do as you suggested me immediately. A week later, Joe and Dick find themselves together again: Joe.- Hi, Dick: What’s up ? You look even worse with your cold ! Didn’t you move to the pussy as I suggested ? Dick.- Yes, I did exactly as you told me. But it didn’t work: Although on the evening I moved to the girl’s pussy, on the very next morning I appeared always again in the damn biker’s moustache !

[squirrelheels]

That's sick and funny at the same time! Good English though, Bob! SH

[Julietta]

This tickled me got this in my email today... Snappy Answer #1 > > > >A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. > >As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he > >opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I > >need to see your ticket, not your stub." > > > >Snappy Answer #2 > > > >A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but > >couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, > >"Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No, they're dead." > > > >Snappy Answer #3 > > > >The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding > >rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman > >said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." > >When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way > >without a ticket. > > > >Snappy Answer #4 > > > >A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge > >ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets > >stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. > >Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and > >walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, > >"Got stuck?" > >The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out > >of petrol." > > > >and finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR > > > >A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. > >"Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. > >I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, > >or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses > >whatsoever!" A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand > >and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was > >suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class > >does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the > >lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and > >sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your > >other hand."

[jim]

RULES OF LIFE 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too Seriously. 8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 9. Never lick a steak knife. 10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends will love you anyway. 15. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 16. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 17. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 18. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." 19. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 20. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 21. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" 22. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 23. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 24. Work is good, but it's not that important. 25. And finally; Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. jim

[Highluc]

A test You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading... This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box." However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

[Yamyam]

Or, and perhaps a little less bloodthirsty, you could stop, ask your old friend to drive the old lady home, and then you'd be waiting at the bus stop with your perfect partner - an ideal opportunity, especially as you'd get bonus points for your kind nature

[raccoon]

Rely on somebody else to save lives all the time? Some benefactor! :rofl: If I was the applicant, I'd opt for Highluc's 'correct answer'. I would be hired for at least being honest.

[Julietta]

Or, and perhaps a little less bloodthirsty, you could stop, ask your old friend to drive the old lady home

What? Home to die? Yam what have you been on? No don't tell me

[Yamyam]

What? Home to die? Yam what have you been on? No don't tell me

I meant, drive her home for a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Honest! Then, on reading it again, I see the bit about her looking like she was about to die. All right, then I'd ask the old friend to drive her to the hospitalm, while I wait at the bus stop!

(I think talking about shoes would have been *so* much easier )

[Julietta]

Maybe if she wasn't dying but had a broken heel you'd have been able to think more clearly

[Bubba136]

If she had broken a heel, I wonder if YY would have been "Walter Raleighish" and offered, in an act of highest chivalry, his shoes to her to wear? :rofl:

[Yamyam]

If she had broken a heel, I wonder if YY would have been "Walter Raleighish" and offered, in an act of highest chivalry, his shoes to her to wear? :rofl:

:rofl: That would depend on what I was wearing... I might offer her one of the twenty or so pairs in the back of the car to borrow until she got home

[Firefox]

To follow Xaphod, more toilet humour: Here I sit in stinking vapour... Where's the bum who used the paper? Down from the North came one eyed Rick, The only man with a corkscrew dick. He searched the world from pole to pole, to find a girl with a corkscrew hole. When he found her, he dropped down dead. The bloody thing had a left hand thread!

[Julietta]

Received by email... Subject: FW: FW: orange willy... Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?" Man - "I've got an orange willy doc." Doc - "What??" Man - "My willy - it's turned orange." Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress? Man - "Not really" Doc - "What about stress at work?" Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack" Doc - "That sounds very stressful" Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salaryand I feel really appreciated" Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?" Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets" Doc - "That sounds stressful" Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier." Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?" Man - "Social life? I don't really have one." Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?" Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Wotsits"