Post Your Jokes Here

[Dexter23]

SICK LEAVE....... Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house, by the way!"

[Francis]

now that I'm the owner of a small car again, it made me think back to when I owned a Skoda and all the jokes associated with them, so here goes! What's a Skoda full of groceries called? A Lada. How do you double the value of a Skoda? Fill it with petrol. How do you increase it's value further? Replace the petrol cap. What do you call a Skoda on top of a hill? A miracle. Why do Skoda's have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when pushing. What do you call a convertible Skoda? A skip. What do you call a convertible Skoda with twin exhausts? A wheelbarrow. What's the difference between a Skoda and a tampon? You get a free tow rope with a tampon.

[azraelle]

I remember one about the East German peoples' car, whatever it was--I guess I could apply it to a Skoda, whatever that is: Why do they put seat belts in a Skoda? So you can put it on as a backpack when you break down.

[Yamyam]

Man walks into a garage. "I'd like a new windscreen wiper for my Skoda". Chap behind the counter replies: "Throw in a tank of petrol and you've got yourself a deal!"

[Dr. Shoe]

The Pope was travelling back from an important function late at night on a deserted road. He said to his driver: "Give us a go." He replied: "I beg your pardon Your Holiness?" "Gives a go, it's been 20 years since I last got behind the wheel, I want to see if I still have it." "Weeell, I don't know what my boss would say." "Don't worry, I can soon straighten him out. Look, there's no one around just let me drive for a few miles." "Ok then." A few miles further on, a policeman stops the limo for going through a stop sign. He gets out of his car and The Pope winds the window down. The Highway Patrolman blanches and trembling backs back to his car and calls his supervisor. "I've got a problem boss." "Yes, what's the trouble?" "I've just stopped a limo but I don't want to give him a ticket because I think it's carrying God himself." "What makes you so sure?" "Well who else is going to have The Pope as his chauffeur?"

[Suzyheels]

Two pretty blond girls meet on a cloud in heaven. The first asks the other. "How did you die?" "It was a heart attack." "Your not old. How come you had it?" "Well I knew that my husband was having an affair so I arrived home unexpectedly to catch him out. He was in bed but no-one there with him, so I dashed around the house searching. It was hot and as I got to the kitchen I had the attack. But you are young too. How did you die?" "Hypothermia." The other replied. "If you had made it to the fridge you would have saved both our lives." Suzy

[Highluc]

President George W Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

[Julietta]

I was sent this yesterday by a friend and think it is really funny so enjoy... A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you." "OK" says the girl, "I charge 20 euro an hour." "Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?" "Ah," says the German, "das ist der four-sprung duck technique!"

[azraelle]

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a

missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

You really DON"T have any use at all for GWB, do you Highluc? I wonder what jokes you would have been posting during Bill Clinton's or Jimmy Carter's reigns? Or for that matter Tricky Dick or Ike? They weren't shining examples of leadership AS PRESIDENTS, either.

If GWB's father (with IQ near genius level, if memory serves correctly) had taken care of Iraq when they were on their knees, GWB wouldn't have the compulsion to do it now. So clearly IQ doesn't measure everything important.

BTW, the joke WAS Funny, Very! Thanx.

[Dr. Shoe]

You really DON"T have any use at all for GWB, do you Highluc? I wonder what jokes you would have been posting during Bill Clinton's or Jimmy Carter's reigns? Or for that matter Tricky Dick or Ike? They weren't shining examples of leadership AS PRESIDENTS, either.

Actually, I heard the same joke about Gerald Ford AND also Margaret Thatcher.

Here's one about Jimmy C:

(On the election of Ronald Reagan): "What's wrong with having an actor as President? We've had a clown for the last four years!"

One about Ronnie:

Q: What does the White House and McDonald's have in common?

A: They both have a clown working there called Ronald!

Clinton:

Close but no cigar.; He hardly ever bought Monica [Lewinsky] any gifts, but he did splash out on a new dress!

All jokes aside, every single President that the US has ever had has had his faults, just the same as any King, Queen or Prime Minister the world over. It is just that some are remembered for their greatness and others for their failings, the secret of good leadership is to do everything possible to make sure the great deeds outweigh the bad.

[Julietta]

Just got these in my email today - enjoy! Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well-Hung. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A. 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[squirrelheels]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says “You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”. The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to you”. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!” “No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. “Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat” Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says “You know, Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re pissed.” SH

[Julietta]

LOL I'm going to copy that one and send it round my email chums.

[Highluc]

Genuine complaints in England My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. ... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September nd we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[xaphod]

There were two pregnant Irish Women knitting jumpers for their new babies and the first turns to the second and says Lady 1 - "To be sure, I hope that my baby turns out to be a boy!" Lady 2 - "Begorrah, why would that be then?" Lady 1 - "Because I've knitted the jumper in blue" Lady 2 - "To be sure, I hope my baby turns out to be a retard" Lady 1 - "Oh, whys that then?" Lady 2 - "Because i've f@cked the arms up" Xa

[Julietta]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they had died. First woman-- "I froze to death." Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!" First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." First woman -- "So what happened?" Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." First woman--"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

[Tom-NL]

Julietta,

Take a look farther up this page, to Suzy's post from 31 january:

http://www.hhplace.org/hhboard/viewtopic.php?t=160&start=67

[Julietta]

Ooooops - what if I said it was such a good one that I thought it was worth repeating????

[Suzyheels]

Three blond girls were on an island and wanted to get to the mainland. They found a bottle which of course contained a geni and naturally he granted each a wish. The first said she would like to be intelligent. Her hair turned brunette and she swam off to the mainland. The second said she would like to be even more intelligent.Her hair turned black..she immediately was able to make a boat and off she rowed to the mainland. The third said she would like an even higher amount of intelligence. She turned into a red head and walked over the bridge. Suzy (Yes I have red hair)

[Dr. Shoe]

I found this on another site. It made me laugh.

----- Original Message -----

From: Jane TV

To: totalclothingrights@yahoogroups.co.uk

Sent: Tuesday, March 18, 2003 3:26 PM

Subject: [ tcr ] excuses

I just wonder what the English feel about the French.

During World War I, a single German soldier captured a French fort.

The infantryman on a reconnaissance patrol stumbled through a tunnel

that

led him into Fort Douaumont, where the French troops had posted no

guards.

The surprised German soldier locked the enemy inside their barracks and

opened the gates to his company.

In the battle to retake the fort, the French army lost 100,000 men.

Vive La France!

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these

drawbacks it is a fine country.

France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

. . . Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"

. . . - Hannibal Lecter

While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald

Rumsfeld

was asked this question:

"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't

favor

direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're

talking

with the French."

The Secretary smiled and replied: "I'm not going there!"

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French

one

behind me."

. . . General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your

accordion."

. . . Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

. . . - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

. . . Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

. . . Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is

sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

. . . Regis Philbin

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting

together

in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train

went

through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no

lights in

the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When

the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman

were

sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand

against

his face as if he had been slapped there.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fellow must have kissed

Claudia

Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fellow must have tried to

kiss

me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great; the next time the

train

goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that

French

idiot again.'

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any

better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit

outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more

stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I

don't know."

. . . P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

An old saying:

Raise your right hand if you like the French....

Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of

the

1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have

the

face for it."

. . . John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,

people."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't

help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get

the Germans out of France!"

. . . Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into

Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:

"Runaway" by Del Shannon,

"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,

"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,

"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,

"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,

"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,

"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,

"Live and Let Die" by Wings,

"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,

"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin

"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

[Bubba136]

Kim Jong-IL has offered Saddam Hussein asylum in North Korea. If Saddam accepts his offer, Kim's country will then be officially designated as a Hussein asylum.

[Yamyam]

Kim Jong-IL has offered Saddam Hussein asylum in North Korea. If Saddam accepts his offer, Kim's country will then be officially designated as a Hussein asylum.

Ouch! Although it did make me laugh!

[micha]

Dr. Shoe, please tell me: Why did Great Britain agree to build this DANGEROUS channel tunnel to the continent? Or do you prefer a tunnel to Hamburg? I have a sister living in Paris since many years and two young nice german-french nephews. I'm glad that the old animosity between french and german people is finally fading away. micha Ps: I have to confess that I like to laugh about "netherlandish-trailer" jokes. About these rolling white shoe-boxes with yellow signs invading every summer the german motorways (Autobahn). But the majority of these "White-Shoe-Box-Owners" are very nice people!

[xaphod]

My mum (bless her cotton socks) was the French, History and Latin influence in our otherwise scientific family. Having lived in Charleroi (French-speaking Belgium) for a while in 1947, she had this to say about French .... "Love the language .... can't say the same for the people" .... and on subsequent visits there in the 60s and 70s "Ye Gods, they dress so dowdily, not like after the war" Xa

[Dr. Shoe]

Dr. Shoe,

please tell me: Why did Great Britain agree to build this DANGEROUS channel tunnel to the continent? Or do you prefer a tunnel to Hamburg?

I have a sister living in Paris since many years and two young nice german-french nephews. I'm glad that the old animosity between french and german people is finally fading away.

micha

Ps: I have to confess that I like to laugh about "netherlandish-trailer" jokes. About these rolling white shoe-boxes with yellow signs invading every summer the german motorways (Autobahn). But the majority of these "White-Shoe-Box-Owners" are very nice people!

Personally I never asked anyone to build a tunnel to France, but it does make it easier to get to Germany.

Seriously though, we all like to laugh at our neighbours and I saw something else:

A true European has to be (as far as I can remember):

As straightforward as a Brit.

As Humble as a Frenchman.

As humourous as a German (sorry Micha!).

As Technological as a Portuguese.

As hardworking as a Spaniard.

As available as a Belgian.

As organised as a Greek.

As calm as an Italian.

As sober as a Irishman.

As reserved as a Dutchman (sorry Hiluc).

[Dr. Shoe]

Actually, I don't think the (friendly) animosity will ever fade between the English and the French. We had two world wars against Germany yet we get on much better with the Germans than we ever will with the French.

Personally I never asked anyone to build a tunnel to France, but it does make it easier to get to Germany.

Seriously though, we all like to laugh at our neighbours and I saw something else:

A true European has to be (as far as I can remember):

As straightforward as a Brit.

As Humble as a Frenchman.

As humourous as a German (sorry Micha!).

As Technological as a Portuguese.

As hardworking as a Spaniard.

As available as a Belgian.

As organised as a Greek.

As calm as an Italian.

As sober as a Irishman.

As reserved as a Dutchman (sorry Hiluc).

[Highluc]

As reserved as a Dutchman (sorry Hiluc).

Sorry Dr Shoe, but I'm as available as a BELGIAN

I also remember the sign indicated

As sober as a Canadian

As flexible as an American

As generous as a Scott

[Dr. Shoe]

I apologise again Hiluc.

[Highluc]

Belgium or heaven? Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day,resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds : "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God raving, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold pot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. I'll have lush forests over there and deserts down there" The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small landmass and said "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "I'm Glad you asked. That's Belgium! The most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Belgium are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. Best of all i'm giving them the very best of food and drinks" Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!" God replied with a cheeky grin "Wait until you see the ones I'm putting next to them in Holland."

[Bubba136]

Gee, I live in heaven and Belgium is a long way from here