Post Your Jokes Here

[raccoon]

Bubba, allow me to be the kill-joy This fails if you're a 100 years old or more.

[Bubba136]

So sue me!

[shyguy]

Well Bubba my solicitor says he'll take the case to court if I produce someone over 100 along with both parents to verify this. So I'm searching now, hope you have a good lawyer there

[jim]

[Taped in the Oval Office:] George: Condi [exclamation point removed] Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman [exclamation point removed] Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's whose name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir [exclamation point removed] The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk [exclamation point removed] Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China? [exclamation point removed] Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East [exclamation point removed] Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right [exclamation point removed] With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. [Condi picks up the phone.] Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? Thank You, Mr. President.

[Bubba136]

Shades of Bud Abbott and Lew Costello, American comedians who made the "who's on first" skit famous. (I know these things becasue even though they were popular in the late 1930's, 40's and 50's, I've seen them rebroadcast on late night cable TV channels.

[Dr. Shoe]

As a small child I used to get very confused when my father said: How Hi's a chinaman."

[Anita C.]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." Namaste', Anita C.

[Anita C.]

I'm re-naming my coputer Brittmay Spears because it's cheap, white & plastic. Namaste', Anita C.

[Anita C.]

Brittney & Barbie were standing next to each other when Barbie looks at her boobies, then at Brittneys'. "So yours are plastic too!". Anita C.

[Anita C.]

Why don't witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom. Namaste', Anita C.

[Anita C.]

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!" A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!" A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom. She says, "I never knew my daughter had a prick!" Namaste', Anita C.

[Anita C.]

Brittney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, "Hey Brittney, look at that dead birdie!" Brittney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" Namaste', Anita C.

[Bubba136]

Anita, I think there should be a drum roll between each of those Henny Youngman type jokes. :rofl:

[jim]

Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip on the broom.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

You're bustin' me up Anita!

jim

[JeffM]

I liked the dead bird in the sky best. Thanks Anita. Havent seen you around for awhile. Jeff

[Dr. Shoe]

Old Moshe is on his death-bed with his family gathered around. He says:"Hannah, my darling wife of 62 years, are you there?" She replies: "Yes my husband!" Then: "David, my first born son who has always made me proud, are you there?" "Yes father." "Rachel my beautiful daughter, are you there?" "Yes father." "Bejamin my clever son, are you there?" "Yes Father." "Solomon, my eldest grandson who hads always brought me joy, are you there?" "Yes Grandfather." "Esther, my gorgeous granddaughter, are you there?" "Yes Grandfather." "And my little Judith, are you there?" "Yes Grandfather." "Then who's minding the shop?"

[WickedHeelz]

You need sound for this one. Just make sure the volume is low if you're at work.

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

[Anita C.]

Now THAT'S funny! namaste', Anita C.

[PJ]

You need sound for this one. Just make sure the volume is low if you're at work.

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

Wow, I can't remember when I laughed so hard.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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A blonde with two red ears went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened. She replied "I was ironing a shirt and the telephone rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?". She replied "That asshole called me back."

===============================================

And now for some political humor. Here is a popular American web site that has an animation poking fun at the republican and democratic candidates currently running for President of the United States. Go to http://www.jibjab.com/ and click on CLICK TO PLAY.

[xaphod]

..... well, it brings a smile to my face.

Xa

[Bubba136]

Too Smart for 1st Grade A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Little Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Little Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Little Johnny: "Yup" Teacher: you blow me, you feel good" Little Johnny: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver" Little Johnny: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Little Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put him in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[jim]

If you have never listened to Cheech and Chong,heres your chance..

http://www.terrificmusic.com/files/cheech_and_chong.html

jim

[Bubba136]

Billy-Bob and Billy Ray were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Billy-Bob asked Billy Ray, "If I snuck ovah to your house while you wuz out fishin' an' banged your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Billy Ray scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but it shore would make us even." :rofl:

[xaphod]

From a 'Campaign for Real Ale' publication, the Sussex Drinker.

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Did you hear about the drunken farmer who was walking back across his cowfield when a gust of wind blew off his flat cap?

He had to try on about 15 caps before he found the right one.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Helpline

If you feel threatened, press 1 fast.

If you are lacking in self-confidence, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have a split personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from persecution-mania, we know who you are .... just stay on the line long enough to trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen to the voices who will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it does not matter which number you press ... nobody will answer you anyway.

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Xa

[JeffM]

There are 10 types of people who understand binary. Those that do and those that don't.

[Bubba136]

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "Well that is good to hear," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's just no frigging way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners. :rofl:

[shyguy]

As we have so many engineers here..... An engineer's view of Santa.... There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.

[J-Nation]

...... Even

granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the

normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine

of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and

female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop

their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to

mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give

birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's

reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a

girl. So getting the job done in one night every year is no problem!

[JeffM]

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was : Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. Just goes to show Aussies and Kiwis should be the world leaders

[JeffM]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (Presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only" in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue... (Won't touch that one.) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the government pay for this research??) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton. ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)