SarahLou Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I know many of you probably like the attention you get when you wear heels, the compliments and admirers. I do too - when I am on my own or with friends, but since I moved, there have been a lot of family dinners and things. When I wear heels to them (no one else even bothers to dress up in the slightest, but I wear heels just because I want to) I always get some form of bad feedback from the people there, usually my boyfriends family. Im sick of the commenting, and the staring, like I look 'wrong' somehow. Has anyone else encountered this? I have tried wearing non heels but then I just feel not myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Histiletto Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 SarahLou, Fitting in can be so hard for a newcomer, especially in the situation you have described. I hope you and your boyfriend can work out a mutual solution. I can't say your concerns are anything like the attitude male heelers have to deal with in society, but I can tell it really bothers you. I don't know if it is just a matter of getting familiar with your new surroundings and they also have to have time to get to know you. I can kind of feel your pain in not being able to wear the heels you feel comfortable in, because of your present acquaintances. Can your bf deal with this or does he even know of your plight? Of course it may be hard at first, but if you can hang in there, later on as you become more in harmony with and begin to love the area and people, this attitude could possibly mellow. As you continue to be yourself, wearing heels will become more familiar as part of who you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Shoe Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Are they religious in any way? Some of the more culty denominations regard heels as the work of the devil! lol Graduate footwear designer able to advise and assist on modification and shoe making projects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roz Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 What kind of bad feedback are you getting? What exactly are they saying? I never get bad comments about my shoes really, not from anyone important anyway. What else are you wearing with the shoes? Are the comments about just your shoes or the whole outfit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JL Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 The heels are a part of you and your personality... It is not for them to dictate or decide for you or on your behalf. I work for a Norwegian company here in the US -- I know first hand about how SOME people from that region can be when it comes to things outside of the 'norm' for them... it is difficult. You could always say to them that you "appreciate their concern about what you choose to wear, but for this let's agree to disagree and move on with things". It is what it is. BTW - What part of Norway are you from?? Men's 13W : Women's 15/16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwhite44 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 What type of heels are your wearing, 2" or 5" heels, platform, strappy, etc.? Although obviously we're all free to wear whatever we want, if you wear anything that could be considered sexy: - high heels (say 3" or more) - short skirt - tight clothes - 'glam' makeup you're likely to draw attention to yourself (sometimes favorable, sometimes not). If you see your boyfriends family rarely, then it's probably much easier in the long run to just dress down for that day (maybe 1" heels instead of 3" or flats). Typically you're not going to win over their family to think of your look as okay (at least at the beginning), and you're really in for a losing battle if it's your goal to try. If you will be seeing them regularly (say once a week), then you can consider trying to slowly introduce your dressing style to them. Start with lower heels and work your way up. You might consider buying an inexpensive pair of heels or boots that has a 3" or so heel, but doesn't look that sexy. That way, they might see that you just like to wear heels with some height to them, not necessarily trying to be outwardly sexy (I'm guessing their main problem with you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoverfly Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Sounds more like they are jealous to me than any thing else. Hello,  my name is Hoverfly. I’m a high heel addict…. Weeeeeeeeeee!  👠1998 to 2022! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwhite44 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Sounds more like they are jealous to me than any thing else. I just thinks it's different values and norms. I don't think it's that unbelieveable that parents/family could have a problem if a girl brought home a boyfriend who road a motorcycle and had a bunch of tattoos. Are they jealous of him, likely not. It's just not the type of guy they are used to seeing. Likewise, if SarahLou is wearing 4" heels, that could present an image of her of a type of girl they aren't seeing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 No they are not religious! Well..not that I can tell anyways. My boyfriend doesn't know about it. He would just say I am being silly. But they only make the comments and things when he is not around! They will say things like...why do you wear those? are they comfy? they must cost a lot. Arent you a bit tall to wear those? and things like that. But its mostly the stares that get on my nerves because this lasts all night. They are a family that seem to live in over sized sweaters, leg warmers and leggins with slippers. They wore something similar to our graduation(!) When even my poor old nan wore a nice dress and some 2 inch heels. I see them maybe twice a month. My tops are usually fitted, I don't know if that counts as tight. I dont wear short skirts or glam make up, but I dont own any heels less than 3.5 inches. They are mostly patent as well, which I guess some people see as a bad thing. Oh well I think they don't like me for other reasons anyway - they probably see my fashion sense as an easy way to show it! JL - I am from UK, but at the moment living near Oslo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwhite44 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 A suggestion then would be on a future visit, to tone it down: no/low heels (and no patent), and maybe jeans with a not-tight top or sweater. See if they say anything about your outfit then. If they try to reverse it ("why didn't you dress up today?"), you can say that just came from shopping, and you didn't get a chance to change. In any case, the goal would be to see if their comments to you change because of what you're wearing. My guess though based on you description of what they wear is that even a 3" heel is going to seem overtly sexy to them. At that point, you can decide if you want to drastically tone it down, or just hope they'll eventually accept your appearance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 how much does this guy mean to you? If you are just friends, then you don't really have to put up with it. Tell the guy you don't want to visit his family any more. And then, don't. Eventually he will get the message and you can look for someone that is more sensitive toward your personality. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kikepa Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Are they religious in any way? Some of the more culty denominations regard heels as the work of the devil! lol Very true. However, at the more mainstream gatherings, there is no shortage of women in heels... Those who really care about us don't make a fuss about what we wear. Those who make a fuss about what we wear really don't care about us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Such a difficult position and one you are uncomfortable with. bubba could be right depending the strength of your relationship and curiously how does your boyfriend dress? like them or smart/less "baggy"? A game play temptation would be to do the next visit super "baggy" and then very sophisticated on the next, then finally give them a score card to mark for the two visits. They may get the hint then! but it really comes down to personal respect and you need to let your boyfriend know how you feel and why without direct criticism on their "style". You are not a freak in a side show and are not being paid to pretend to be one so don't accept the critique... good luck and keep us posted I think there are a few of us that would offer shoulders to cry on and offload the stress to. Al Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Thank you! Yes he dresses like them...ripped jeans, old t shirt. I posted somewhere on here about feeling like he didn't dress nicely enough before, weirdly enough. Well its pretty serious, as I only moved to this country to be with him. I think I will try what you said anyway, and see how that goes. My boyfriend claims he has a high heel fetish when it comes to more personal things, but he never seems that keen on my wearing them anywhere else! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JandraElune Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Where I live the WHOLE area is like that. Even though I'm 2 hours out of Chicago. Eveyone where flipflops or tennis shoes, t-short and jeans, or sweats....almost never anything else. Here I am with all my shoes having at least a 3" wedge...live out in the country area so alot of grassy yards and dirt paths/drives. Stilettos just wont work. I'm also wearing skirts from the knee up all the time, or short shorts. Fitted tops or cap sleve Ts. Some times a corset underneth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hhbill Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I highly suggest you discuss the situation with him. If he does blow you off with "that's silly" or something similar, I would seriously reconsider whether you want to put up with this lack of sensitivity and sophistication for the rest of your life. A man should defend his bride and her feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 I suppose so, he is not the problem really its his family...I will talk to him again about it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pussyinboots Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 how much does this guy mean to you? If you are just friends, then you don't really have to put up with it. Tell the guy you don't want to visit his family any more. And then, don't. Eventually he will get the message and you can look for someone that is more sensitive toward your personality. I agree entirely. As my Aunt always used to say: "Those who matter, don't mind - and those who do mind - don't matter!". "Good Girls keep diaries....Bad Girls just don't have the time...!:icon_twisted:" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I suppose so, he is not the problem really its his family...I will talk to him again about it though. I am surprised by this comment. If this guy really thought a lot of you, especially if he is thinking of making the relationship permanent, he would be the first one to pipe up and tell his family not to treat you that way. The fact that he isn't "aware" or allows his family to mistreat you, in my opinion, he's either "cowed" by his family and afraid to speak up for you, or you don't really mean anything more than a "casual" relationship in which he more is willing to throw under the bush rather than risk irking his family by coming to your defense. Isn't it about time to get past the "lovey dovey" stuff and really see what's going on? After all, it is you that are going to suffer the consequences if he dumps you. Especially if their are "others" that appear on the scene as a result of this relationship. I am not saying "dump him." I am, however, encouraging you to really find out what is his basic personality and true feelings toward you. And then make your decision based upon what is good for you and not that you don't want to hurt his feelings. You are far more important than that. There, I've said my piece. Please don't take offense at what I am saying. I just hate the idea that some people treat other people without respect and/or purely for their own "gratification." And, the way some male members of our society treat females in this day and age, is criminal. Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightsnheels Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I completely concur with Pussyinboots and Bubba in all they have said but I would add this: if he is only comfortable with your heels in "personal" situations and not anywhere else he has a problem that was learned from his family. (I'm guessing they might equate heels with sex workers.) A thourough examination of the situation may be in order to avoid a massive situation in the future. (Ie: marriage and children) You may even want to see a proffessional counsolor to get third person objectivinty into this. However it goes I wish you luck because It appers you will need it. T&H "Look for the woman in the dress, if there is no dress there is no woman."-Coco Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yozz Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Your problem is as old as civilization. It has various names. Basically it is about people marrying outside their social niche. There is no problem between the two getting married, but the problem is with the family. The more well known situation is when a 'commoner' marries into a noble family. (lots of fairy tales.....) He won't see the problem spontaneously, because he is both at ease with you, and with his family. You should be able to tell him that you feel a bit uneasy. Probably nobody wants you to feel that way. It may also be that you think you don't fit in and that causes the feeling. He may discuss with them and they may tell you that they love you no matter what. If on the other hand, they treat you like you don't belong there, best is to try to minimize the contact. My sister had something similar with the family of her husband (although not about shoes and clothes, but more socially). And they had to visit the family every Saturday. Eventually she told him that he could go alone. Since then the relation has become much better, because now, when she sees them it is about specific business and not just sitting with a cup of tea and basically staring at each other. Of course YMMV, because it all depends on how he reacts to it. Just make sure it won't spoil your relation. Y. Raise your voice. Put on some heels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TooTall Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Sounds like you just might be dealing with an old world family. 4" patent stilettos, to them, probably look a bit 'tartish'. I wouldn't say that they dislike you for other reasons, just that you may not have left the best first impression. That can be corrected, but it will take some work. You know you're a good person on the inside, you just have to convince them. As others have suggested, I'd say to tone it down when around them. Natural leather finish, lower heel, probably want to loosen up the clothing in general a bit. Remember, it's their son/nephew/brother you're with, and you're not family yet, so you will be judged a bit more strongly than a relative, and judged by their standards. That's probably not fair, but that's the way it is. Back in my dating days, I wore tight jeans and loose shirts a lot, the girls I dated loved it. When I went to meet their family, I adjusted my attire accordingly - chinos and button down shirt. I wasn't trying to be sexually appealing to them, that's for sure, and it would have sent the wrong message. If you want him, his family comes with him. It's a package deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Yes. I think maybe you are all right. I must just dress down for the occasion and feel not myself - which will not be great for my self esteem but I suppose I have to do it to fit in. So strange, in my family it is the other way - we see family dinners and going out for a meal a chance to dress up! Thank you for all your advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba136 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 So strenge, in my family it is the other way - we see family dinners and going out for a meal a chance to dress up! Thank you for all your advice That's the way civilized society behaves, SarahLou! Being mentally comfortable in your own mind is the key to wearing heels in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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