Another one of us busted by Parents!

[Mikey63]

Its happend, i've got my entire collection of shoe's and boots spread across my room and my car. I woke up this morning to find my car, which contain my boots and wedge sandals, had been moved by my mother. I went out to check on my shoes and yes she had opened the boot/trunk and opened up my unlabeled cardboard boxes. Since when does moving a car involve checking its entire contents? My response when asked is going to be: "Well if you won't like what your gonna find, then do go looking!! I could explain myself, but I won't. I'll let you think what you like." One day I would have explained about my shoe's, but now I refuse to justify myself when my privacy has been invaded in such a way. I really don't care what she thinks and she can stew for a while as punishment for this invasion of my privacy.

[ShockQueen]

Well, the ice has been broken - shattered really, by her invasion. Since she felt so obligated to invade your privacy, then you're right - she deserves the shock or reaction she gets. There was no reason for it, especially since it's your own property. Your stuff is your own, and no one should really have the right to go pilfering through it like that. GRRRRR.........

[hoverfly]

Ask her if she was expecting to find crack and also ask what she was smoking that made her not ask you directly first, put her on the spot.

[Mikey63]

Ask her if she was expecting to find crack and also ask what she was smoking that made her not ask you directly first, put her on the spot.

Well that brings up a good point, it could be far far worse than a few pairs of heels. I happen to know that she doesnt know about my brothers little part time affections for "illegal substances".

I'm still furious, but I take pride in knowing that she has just washed and ironed 4 pairs of my womens jeans!

Which is something I always do myself normally, for obvious reasons.

[dr1819]

Personally, I believe privacy laws sould include those between 13 and 18 years of age, as that's the typical "adult" age of the old west. I feel we've failed our modern children, lobotimizing them through too much knowledge that they haven't any need, and failing to provide them what they do at an age-appropriate point in time. Regardless, I think this is one of the reasons the age of consent in most (all?) states for marriage is now 18. Having said that, folks, please realize I'm very protective of younger women's rights, and my ancestors came from an isolated farming comminity on which everyone grew up rather quicker than today's teens who're bombarded by such ridiculous messages from Hollywood and the rest of society that they don't know where to turn to advice anymore. We were a very conservative (but accepting) farming community, but my kids are exposed to both non-accepting and quite promiscuous messages, neither of which with I agree.

[Mikey63]

I'm not exactly in my teens anymore :0 Closer to 30 infact, I live with parents because the cost of living in the UK is too high if you have a job. Maybe I should become unemployed and live off the state.....

[johnieheel]

Come to US, I have a job and spare room for you. Pay is good. Hell, everybody is moving here anyway. We need more men in heels in the US. johnieheel...

[Fog]

I'm not exactly in my teens anymore :0

Closer to 30 infact, I live with parents because the cost of living in the UK is too high if you have a job. Maybe I should become unemployed and live off the state.....

Mikey - if you want to get your own place enough you'll find a way - even if it means being poorer, changing jobs, working overtime, whatever it takes if you want that real feeling of independence enough. Even if it means doing a house share.

I remember buying my first flat after twenty years of marriage and the wonderful feeling that I could say goodbye, to whoever, come home and shut the door.

[Dawn HH]

If you are 30 years old, it was definately an invasion of your privacy for your Mom to do an obviously illegal search of your car. Maybe you should do a clandestine search of her car, closet, and dresser drawers to see just what you may find. Then maybe that will deter her from ever violating your privacy ever again in the future when she finds out just what it feels like to have someone else to do it to her. Cheech!!! What a bummer. She should have cut the apron strings long ago. I would let her stew in her own juices until she brings it up again and then I would let her know, in no uncertain notice, that it had better NEVER happen again, EVER. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[johnieheel]

Good time to start heeling around the house, don't you think?

[tal]

Its not nice to have someone go through your belongings. But, as having lost both my parents allready, i would try to approach it the positive way, instead of going to a fight over it in the future. Discuss it, gets the tention away as well. Having said that, i have no idea what sort of background your parents have, and if they are open to these sort of things. My mother knew about my love for woman in leather and highheels, but it never was a problem.

[Dawn HH]

Johnnieheel has something there. Another reason to give Mom to think about, eh! Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Skirted-UK]

I always remember when I was 17 I bought a straight black skirt from M&S. It took me weeks to save up for it and soon after I bought it my mother found it and gave it to my couson who was older than me. To add insult to injury she wore it the next time she came to tea. My mother asked me were I got it from and I told her that I had found it, she must have thought that was a bit strange as it was brand new, but she never said anymore about it.

[Guy N. Heels]

If you are 30 years old, it was definately an invasion of your privacy for your Mom to do an obviously illegal search of your car...

I would let her stew in her own juices until she brings it up again and then I would let her know, in no uncertain notice, that it had better NEVER happen again, EVER.

Cheers---

Dawn HH

Okay, let's look at it. If you are approaching 30 then that makes you an adult by every social norm that I know of. But living with your parent(s) does bring about the need to conform to household conventions that you might not have in your own place.

On the other hand, invasion of one's privacy is an outrage for the simple reason that mutual respect and trust has been violated. The kind of thing you describe is more like what I would expect of Hitler's Gestapo, or George Bush's Homeland Security:cop: . It amounts to an unwarranted invasion of your personal effects.

Still, I don't think that going through yer mum's things is the answer. In the final analysis it makes you no better than her. This is where you must rise above the situation and strenuosly voice your objections to her behavior. You might even point out that she wouldn't want someone doing that to her. Then you need to develop a plan for your next move. If you choose to continue living with your mother you will need to lay-down specific boundaries that must be observed. If reconciliation is possible - do so with both grace and firmness. If you choose to move out, you should do so without further accusations or otherwise making a big scene. But under no circumstance should you make any big and loud announcements until you are ready to actually make your move. Remember:icon_idea: , it is always best to keep your words short and sweet - lest you have to eat them later.

Good luck, and let us know how things work out.

[JNR]

IMHO, 30 years old is way to old to live with one's parents -- unless there are "special" circumstances unrelated to finances. The unwritten rule about children living with parents, no matter what age, is that they have no privacy while under their parent's roof. Whatever rules parents establish are the rules you live by. To angerly react :mad:to your mother going through your things isn't proper behavior. If you demand total privacy, get your own place where tenant-landloard laws apply. Otherwise, cool it.

[MelyssaTG]

I agree. You need to snoop in her stuff LOL

[Fog]

What I say to my children is that by the time I was your age 28, 26 & 23 - I had three (or two in the case of the youngest) children and I was working 65 hours a week to make ends meet. I was a health service worker in South Wales, in the 70's & 80s, with very little hope of getting another job, apart from the part time one I was doing on top of the day job. Ok - I admit it, I squandered my youth paying a mortgage.

[asdf174]

That sux she didn't respect your priviacy. But that is kind of what mothers do. (No matter how old you get.) Don't worry. She will get over it (Hopefully) . My parents did. (Kind of, Sort of.... I think....). Just don't let it stress ya and start a big argument.

[dr1819]

IMHO, 30 years old is way to old to live with one's parents -- unless there are "special" circumstances unrelated to finances. The unwritten rule about children living with parents, no matter what age, is that they have no privacy while under their parent's roof. Whatever rules parents establish are the rules you live by. To angerly react :mad:to your mother going through your things isn't proper behavior. If you demand total privacy, get your own place where tenant-landloard laws apply. Otherwise, cool it.

I respectfully disagree. I lived my parents for four months after college, awaiting the move to my first real job. Purpose - to save money and to visit with the folks "one last time" (extended visits, anyway). I worked temp jobs, paid room and board (a relative pittance), and enjoyed our time together while I wound my springs tight before jumping off into the great big old world.

A decade later I was back home for more than 10 days (two months) but it was due to an illness in the family (my wife) which required extended care.

An interesting experience, as it forced both myself and my folks to learn to accept the fact that all of us were older. I was no longer 18-year-old who left for college, nor the 24-year-old who stayed with them for a few months. And they weren't the same hopping 45-year-olds they were back then, either. Instead, they were closer to 60, and were slowing down.

Extended families are the norm in many societies, for practical reasons. In others, for whatever reason, they're rare. Regardless, if it works, terrific, as living under the same roof does save boatloads of money, particularly when the mortgage is already paid. On the other hand, conflict resolution, and issues of privacy rise to the surface, which usually requires a bit of diplomacy in addition to a significant level of tolerance.

It's not for everyone, but it is for some.

[JNR]

You can disagree. I said it was my opinion.........

[Guy N. Heels]

I respectfully disagree. I lived my parents for four months after college, awaiting the move to my first real job. Purpose - to save money and to visit with the folks "one last time" (extended visits, anyway). I worked temp jobs, paid room and board (a relative pittance), and enjoyed our time together while I wound my springs tight before jumping off into the great big old world...

An interesting experience, as it forced both myself and my folks to learn to accept the fact that all of us were older. I was no longer 18-year-old who left for college, nor the 24-year-old who stayed with them for a few months. And they weren't the same hopping 45-year-olds they were back then, either. Instead, they were closer to 60, and were slowing down.

Extended families are the norm in many societies, for practical reasons. In others, for whatever reason, they're rare. Regardless, if it works, terrific, as living under the same roof does save boatloads of money, particularly when the mortgage is already paid. On the other hand, conflict resolution, and issues of privacy rise to the surface, which usually requires a bit of diplomacy in addition to a significant level of tolerance.

It's not for everyone, but it is for some.

WELL SAID, DR1819!

There are societies where it would be unthinkable for the children (of whatever age) to leave - even after marriage! So the problem is not the fact that there are 2 or more generations living under one roof. Isn't it really about respecting people's rights and how to live with one another?

My college age daughter lives with me, but I would never think about going through her things without first telling her and also telling her why. In like manner, when she gets a little sassy about my computer equipment or something - I tell her about that and tell her what will happen if her behavior doesn't improve.

Sneaking about and disrespecting other's rights can only lead to problems. Better to lay the cards on the table and plainly declare what the situation is and what you expect to become of it.

[JNR]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Lindsay. Like some of your other comments, you've reacated strictly from an emotional point of view. There isn't any such thing as a "nosey parent" when it comes to disciplining children. And, bye the way, this issue isn't about respecat. It's entirely about "as long as you're living under my roof, the only "rights" you have are the ones I give you. And. if you don't like my rules, get your own place.

[dr1819]

WELL SAID, DR1819!

Wow. Well said, Guy N. Heels. And thanks for the nod.

Yes, I believe personal respect for others is universal, and it doesn't matter whether we're dealing with our parents, our children, those who work for us, or for those whom we work. I called my boss on the carpet today about an issue, but I did so in a respecful manner, outlining his options/alternatives, and let him make the final choice, with my input.

Hey, that's life, whether in extended families, work, societies, whatever.

[JNR]

My only comment is: Neither one of you guys should ever plan on living in my house, then.

[Guy N. Heels]

My only comment is: Neither one of you guys should ever plan on living in my house, then.

Not to worry. I was brought up by a military man who had no respect for anyone except himself. Besides, I don't even have to go 50' to find a neighbor so disrespectful that he thinks nothing of blowing car horns at 4:30 in the morning. The world is full of jerks who have no respect for others - so is hell.

Viva Veritas.

[Guest]

well, it seems to me that the degree that your parents take this "this is my domain so I have the right to control all that goes on here" is really rediculous!! its almost as if they might post a whole bunch of rules on a sign like in a mall or othere commercial place, now I would suppose that they have EVERY "right" to make up ANY damn rules they WISH, & that there really isnt anything that you can DO about it under the law-but & I do stress this a lot-there SHOULD be on THEIR part some kind of flexiblity, but they can be of the mind-set that EVERYONE that comes in to THEIR domain is a GUEST, & therefore must obey THEIR rules of CONDUCT which can include just about ANYTHING they might THINK of!

[asdf174]

This is just typical parent stuff My mom was always snooping around my room while she was hanging up my cloths or something. Lost many "magazines" that way. Lost many shoes that way. It is just typical parent stuff. It is thier job to snoop It is the childs job to hide their stuff better and make them work for it. completly defferent topic thats a cool monkey icon.... but serioulsy I don't think it is anything to stress out to much about it is just one of those things that happens. It sucks, but it happens. Don't trip, 30 years old wear what you want is what it comes down too.

[heelme]

I'd say personal privacy is a measure of respect to an individual. There can be occasions when going through someone's stuff might be warranted, but the scene described in the outset of this thread doesn't seem to apply. That said, Mom's can be intrusive without meaning any disrespect. As my sons got older, I'd contantly remind my wife not to barge through bedroom doors and snoop around in their rooms for no reason (they were held responsible for keeping their rooms clean). For a long time, she just didn't get it. I think she will always see them as her little boys. Mikey63: Who's says this is a bad thing? It presents an opportunity for you to discuss both your heel wearing and privacy with her if you choose. She may just not know what to make of it right now, but with dialog, some amount of understanding could take place. I hope it works out and I expect it will. Let us know.

[Guy N. Heels]

I'd say personal privacy is a measure of respect to an individual. There can be occasions when going through someone's stuff might be warranted, but the scene described in the outset of this thread doesn't seem to apply. That said, Mom's can be intrusive without meaning any disrespect. As my sons got older, I'd contantly remind my wife not to barge through bedroom doors and snoop around in their rooms for no reason (they were held responsible for keeping their rooms clean). For a long time, she just didn't get it. I think she will always see them as her little boys...

I think your point is well taken. Nevertheless, it is incumbent upon parents to both recognize and respect the needs of their children as they grow. As we had to start buying ever larger size clothes for my daughter, the thought finally dawned that, "Hey, this kid's growing up!" So just what do parents expect? Well much the same as the child needing different sized clothing as it grows, so does the child have different needs in life. Up until about the age of 2 or so, privacy is both meaningless and non-existant. But as the child grows and becomes more self aware the need for privacy becomes manifest with ever increasing urgency. But definitely by the teenage years the need for observing privacy is imperative, and for parents to not allow for this is about as sensible as expecting the child to wear the same clothing it wore when it was one or two and there was no need for privacy.

[Shoeiee]

Hello all, Privacy and children...Man can this be a sticky subject!! BUT...As a caring and concerned parent (and one with parents who cared about me greatly) privacy is a right which is EARNED as a child grows. Please read all of this before casting judgment OK?? The obligation of parents is to educate and direct children through their adolescence. Part of this obligation requires a certain amount of privacy invasion IMHO. This invasion ensures that parents are aware of their children's actions, desires and general direction in life through discovery of some of the 'hidden secrets' children will inevitably have. This is also a legal responsibility as parents are responsible for their children's actions until they are legal adults. But this invasion must be done respectfully as well... There is currently a crisis brewing in the US of children appearing in schools and other locales with weapons and using them against their enemies and/or innocent people. I strongly believe this is because children are being granted too much privacy and parents are not fulfilling their obligation of educating and directing the kids. Harmful threats to the children in question, or possibly yourself and/or children, can be avoided with some privacy invasion coupled with appropriate action for whatever circumstances are discovered. With that being said it is also the obligation of parents to respect their children's choices which are not a threat to themselves or others. Hence the topic of kids and high heels. A young man who is experimenting with high heels is doing nothing which harms himself or others. As a parent we should view this behavior as a soul-searching quest of the child which needs re-enforcement and comforting. Not throwing away the child's possessions or being confrontational about it. This includes discussing the potential consequences of public exposure to their desires as well as reinforcement that what they're doing is not 'wrong' but is also not socially accepted in many circles. But the decision on how public they are with their footwear choice is up to them. I KNOW my parents found my shoes on MANY occasions and they only once inquired about them. My mom asked me rather bluntly if I was having gender identity issues, was gay, or something other than what society expected as 'normal' behavior. A simple explanation of my liking for high heels settled the issue quickly. Did they have doubts? Most likely. Did they respect my choice? Absolutely. Have they expressed their concerns about my choice in footwear on possible career situations? Yes. Have they ever bashed me or belittled me about this issue? NEVER!! (And just to let you know, they now live with me and I wear whatever shoes I desire, both privately and in public. I've even worn rather high heels publicly with both my parents to restaurants, shopping, etc.) Now if it was drugs or weapons they found I strongly believe it would have been a different situation. And as an adult I would hope that should these items have been present in my adolescence, they had been found as they have the potential for life-altering effects for me and possibly others. (These items were never found because it's not 'me' to be involved in them...) In this situation a discussion, and possibly even strong a confrontation) would have been mandatory due to the nature of the discovery. In the US, if a child brings drugs into their parent's house guess who loses their house?? The parents. And where do the kids go?? Juvenile detention. And the parents?? Depending on the circumstances, possibly to jail. I would much rather invade my child's privacy rather than lose my house and possibly my freedom as well as my child! So how does a child EARN privacy?? Through appropriate behavior, respecting the wishes of their parents in a non-confrontational manner, proving their stability through wise decisions, maintaining good grades, hanging out with peers which are also respectable and maintaining appropriate decorum in difficult situations. As a child develops constructive habits their trust level is increased. As trust is built their privacy should increase proportionally. Should a failure in trust be found then why should their privacy be maintained? Personally, if I can't trust my child to make appropriate decisions I will NOT give him/her keys to a car I own, access to weapons, nor privacy as I am ultimately responsible for the child's actions until they are legal adults. PERIOD. I believe that as a person grows they will learn through not only school but also home environment. They will gather ideals from peers, associates I introduce to them and many people they meet whom I have no control over. It is this accumulation of knowledge that makes us each individuals with distinctly different tasts, beliefs, goals, fashion sense and personalities. Too much control stifles growth but too little allows uncontrollable consequences. Let kids be kids. Teach them right from wrong. But most importantly, teach them how to make WISE, EDUCATED DECISIONS and they will blossom into fruitful adults, regardless of their fashion sense!! Happy Heeling!! Shoeiee