"Love without end, Amen."

[Anita C.]

My 15 year old nephew, Sean, had come to stay with me. He got here last month and would stay through September. His Mom & Dad were divorcing. While they didn't want Sean to get caught up in the drama that the divorce would involve but didn't want to send him to live with just anyone. He was struggling at school and had become withdrawn from friends. One day on the phone I said I could use him around the house and would love to have him be my guest & housepal for the summer. He was somewhat bland but I heard a glimmer in his voice when he said "Yes.". We had always been close but recently I had a feeling that something was going on that he wasn't sharing. I love this guy and was always so warm and affectionate. Whenever we got together a smile followed by a scream of "It's Auntie Anita!!!" and a big hug that only children can give. Recently he was so unto himself. No hugs . . . no screams, just the occassional unenthusiastic "hello." I hoped that by being together we could find out what was going on in his head. Things were going ok. He was still guarded and reclusive.preferring to stay in his room. I could NOT break through to him. He enroled at a local high school. I talked with the counselors about what was going on so they could watch out for him. I came home from work early one day and there he was . . . standing in my bedroom in my bra, pantyhose my 5" Stilettos. All of a sudden it all made sense. He was quite embarrassed and broke down into tears. I reached out to hug him & he withdrew. "Relax, honey. I'm not mad. So, what's going on Sean?" "I'm a crossdresser." He said through the tears "I just hate this! I wish I were dead!" He wailed, pacing and turning away. "You must HATE me!". "No, precious, I don't hate you-I LOVE you!" I said smiling. "Look, hon, this is no big deal, and really, I am not mad at you. I'd like to help, but you've gotta level with me. How long have you been dressing?" "Since I was 8." he admitted. "Ok. Do you think you're transgendered or do you just like to dress up?" "I don't know. I think I'm ok with being a guy, but . . . I don't know. I just don't know". he sobbed. "Oh, you poor, poor baby . . . Look, let's you & me go see a friend who can help. She's a real nice lady has some real good answers to those questions, ok? Don't worry, Sean. It's gonna be just fine, trust me! I'm not gonna out you and this will be just between us." He nodded and tried to smile through the tears. I leaned over and hugged him. He held me so tight for the first time in years. He was crying so hard. As we drove to the Doctors' office, he was shaking. I reached over and took his trembling hand in mine. He held on to it so tightly. I turned into the parking lot and winked at him smiling. "We're her, Seannie! Everything's going to be just fine, ok? . . . I love you, Sean. Together we'll get through this." We went the office and took the elevator up 7 floors. He never let go of my hand. The elevator doors opened and we were greated by a smartly dressed lady "Hello Anita. And this must be Sean! Hi, Sean! Tough day, huh? Well, let's just see if we can make some sense outta things! Will that work for ya, Sean?". A dear and trusted friend and licensed Psychiatrist who has worked with Gender Dysphoria for over twenty years. I'd worked Dr. Sharon many times over the years. She was compassionate and caring. As she walked with us into her office she looked at Sean and said "So, Sean, Auntie Anita told me you & I need to talk. Is that true?" Sean started to cry and she hugged him. "Sh-h-h-h. It's gonna be ok, Sean! Everything's gonna be alright. Nobodies' gonna harm you, nobodie's gonna judge you, baby." she smiled and they sat down on the couch. "Is it ok if we talk while your Aunt's with us or would you rather talk with me alone?" she asked. He smiled and nodded yes. He told her he really wanted me to stay. "She's the only one who knows." he sobbed. "She told me that this is no big deal and that everything is gonna be ok. She said she still loves me although right now I don't see how anyone could love me. I've been hiding this for so long and I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to die." "Now, now. I don't think you really want to die, do you Sean?" Sean shook his head 'no'. "I didn't think so. Your Auntie Anita's right, Sean. She also told me that she loves you a great deal and, y'know what? She still does! Y'know, there is probably nothing you're gonna tell me that I haven't heard before. So how can I help?" With that the years of secrets, hidden feelings and unanswered questions poured out. We talked for hours. Sean had so many questions and Doc Sharon answered each and every one. When we left around 8:30 pm, Sean was exhausted. As I drove home he reached over to hold my hand and fell asleep, looking as if an unseen burden had been taken away. Sean is going to spend the summer with me. Betweern Dr. Sharon and me we're going to get him through this. Sean continues to crossdress with my blessing. I took him shopping and got him some things of his own to wear. Three dresses, undies, pantyhose, breastforms, etc. We also got him two wigs, Strawberry blonde and Auburn and some cosmetics! He was a bit uncomfortable until I said "Relax, hon. If any of your 'buds see you you can just tell 'em I drug you along." It was the best money I've ever spent. I also told him that any niece of mine WILL learn to walk properly in Stilettos! He just howled. "I guess this means I'll have to practice, huh?" "Uh-huh . . . an hour a day, baby, in pantyhose, too!" He is seeing Dr. Sharon every other week and is doing better than ever in school, I'm proud to say! His last report card was A's & B's! He is working towards understanding dysphoria and no longer feels that he is all alone. We can talk, really talk, again! I have my nephew back and gained a neice in the process. Last week I told him over breakfast that we really needed to select a femme' name for his girl side. After pondering this he said "I think Sean will work for both of us!". I couldn't have agreed more. "Then Sean it is!" Yesterday, we had a girls day in celebration of that great report card! She got up & dressed, put on her make-up (with Aunties' help) and we went down to the beauty spa for the works! Facial, hair and his first set of acrylic 'nails. I was feeling pretty damn good. As we were leaving "she" turned to me and hugged me. "You saved my life." she said. I smiled and said "Look, chick. DO NOT make me cry! With all the work Don & Mark put into these faces they'll KILL us!". We clik-clik-clik'ed our way to the car in our 5.5" Stilettos. She is, after all my neice, dammit! And I wouldn't let her be seen in anything else! We drove down to meet up with Samantha, with whom I'd talked with at length, to be sure it was ok. "Ok? HELL yes! When do I get to meet her?" Sam is always so sweet. We walked into the restaurant and Sam ran over to us giving Sean a hug. "So. Where's this nephew I'm supposed to meet? Hi, hon. I'm Sam and look at you Ms. Thing! I see Anita has already shoe shopped for you!" After lunch I had a meeting. Samantha asked if she could take Sean shopping. Sean was up for it so off they went. When Sean and Sam returned, Sean had two new outfits, jewelry and some new undies. Sean had fun but it was time to meet up with friends to see a movie. Sean changed and washed off the make-up. He kept on the 'nails, though. He ran through the living room, kissed us good-bye and thanked Sam and gave her a hug. "I'll be back by 8:00! 'Bye!". "What a great kid" Sam said. Sam & I went ot on the deck to smoke. We discussed the day and Sean. That night we got a call from his Mom. Sean told her all about his report card and school . . . and about his crossdressing. "She said "Honey, your Daddy and I have suspected as much for quite some time. I'm so releived and glad that your Aunt was there for you because as she said, it's really not that big of a deal. I am so damn PROUD of you! That report card, your being so honest with me. You are still my kid and I will always love you! Is it ok if I tell Daddy? Or would you rather . . .?" "Tell him about the report card and school. I'll tell him about the crossdressing. How do you think he'll be when I tell him?" "Well, your Daddy loves you. We divorced for a number of reasons, Sean - YOU weren't one of them. His favorite song is that song by George Strait-the one that talks about a Fathers' love. He wanted to tell you that. The song's called "Love Without End, Amen." One verse goes "Let me tell you a secret about a Fathers' love. A secret that my Daddy said was just between us. Y'see, Daddies don't just love their children every now & then . . . it's a love without end, Amen". He wants to talk with you because as I've said, we have suspected for some time. How will he feel? Releived." In closing: Every year too many teens kill themselves due to gender issues. Gay, Bisexual, Lesbian and Transgenderd kids. This year Sean won't be one of them. If you know of a troubled teen, for Gods' sake reach out. You just might save a life. Ciao, Anita C.

[Keli]

Anita, Your nephew/niece is so lucky to have you. I can relate to the feelings of depression and lonliness when I was their age. If only I had someone like you back then. Best wishes to both of you!!!

[Heelfan]

Hi Anita! I've read your account of Sean, and I can try my personal best to try to help you to understand him: My daily street-heeling has brought me into contact with a heel-wearing guys, and a few fully-blown cross-dressers too! I must stress that I'm not gay, and (thank God!) I'm a happily married man and father who's just celebrated his 30th weddinmg anniversary. However, from my own experiences as the son of parents who divorced, and from talking to similar guys, I am very keen to give you my own personal experience and theories (such as they are), but remember, I'm not a doctor!: My theory goes like this: Most of the heel-wearing and/or crossdressing guys I've met come from a broken home like Sean's! Just when the lad is growing up through school and needs encouragement and confidence, he sees his parent's relationship failing in front of his eyes. What a set-back to his confidence! Parents are looked upon as examples, so he thinks "Well, if even my Dad can't depend upon the love and affection of my Mum, what chance does young little weedy me I stand of finding love and affection from a girl of my own!". Due to the insecure and unsettled atmosphere at home (little love there for him because parents are to bust battling), he looks for love and comfort in other directions, and yet he is to young and insecure to have the confidence to chat up a girl. What does he do? He turns to self love! He already fancies girls in high heels and sexy feminine clothes and underwear, so he dresses in these things and admires himself in the mirror. He feels the femininity of the heels. He feels the cling of the underwear and the swish of a blouse and skirt. He probably feels himself! It turns him on! He applies lipstick and mascara and fancies the transformed face in the mirror. It's a cop-out, but it's easy and it's sexually arousing. And it can be done in a solitary situation, a circumstance already familiar to him whilst his parents have been rowing. It's his own private, sexy little world into which he can retreat. What can be done? Well, the worst thing for such a lad to retreat further and further away from society, to wallow in self pity and maybe to over indulge in self-love, masturbation and other lonely activities and fantasies. You have already got Sean to take a big step forward by bringing the cross-dressing out into the open, whereby he still does it, but not in lonely seclusion. Maybe he's hooked on it for life, maybe not. But what he needs is plenty of love and attention and kindness. At worst it'll help him a lot in regaining his confidence and his faith in mixing with other human beings (and maybe a loving girlfriend), and at best he might leave the crossdressing behind in favour of realising that it's much more productive befriend others and to mix back into society. Interestingly, a number of members on these forums posted that they have managed to do just that, an to leave the heel-wearing and the cross-dressing behind them, but from time to time they relapse. Whenever they relapse, it is very often because relationships have gone wrong at home or at work or both. This factor is extremely significant in trying to understand and in trying to help Sean. As you obviously already know, he simply needs love, love, love, love without end, Amen! I do admire you tremendously for taking Sean under your wing, and I do wish you every success Anita! From an empathiser and sympathiser, Heelfan

[Rockpup]

Anita: Glad to hear things are working out well for you and Sean. I remember how tough it was trying to work though my own issues growing up, but instead of the freedom to figure things out I was put on medication to help make me 'normal'.. I'll cork the frustration there.. lets just say I would have prefered to have had someone understanding instead. Sean's lucky to have you around, stick with it. Seeya Jim

[Anita C.]

Sean is doing great. Thanks to Dr. Sharon and getting things in order. He and I are close again and his parents are so happy. She has quite the little wardrobe consisting of 5 dresses, 3 bras, a corset, pantyhose, 2 wigs . . . and 4 pairs of Stilletos with 5" & 5.5" heels that she is learning to walk rather well in. She told me that she was initially attracted to my shoes. She said that she just feels better in high stilettos. I told her I understood perfectly. Ciao, Anita C.

[Firefox]

I view cross dressers with some bemusement. I can understand wanting to wear other items of clothing but I can't get the wanting to be a woman bit of it. So I really don't have any theories about except to say in my case, as a heel wearer, Heelfan's theories about broken homes etc don't hold true. But that's only one person. There could be some truth generally.

[Rockpup]

firefox: theory's tend to have the problem of being disproven. I came from a stable household and family. We all work together in the family business and tend to get along durring family gatherings. I stopped trying to explain my feelings many years ago and feel much better. Alot of things can get done when you don't waste time trying to understand the unexplainable. Anita: Who wouldnt feel better wearing high stilletos? Heelfan: I'm trying to think of any catagory of mid-teen boy that doesnt over-indulge in masterbation. I cannot speak at all for female's, sorry. Jim

[Anita C.]

Seannies' acceptance of self was the big hurdle. Also, knowing that he's not alone anymore has been a huge step. Is Sean transexual? As of this point even he doesn't know for sure. Dr. Sharon tells me that at this point it doesn't matter. Sean is adjusting and that is what we had hoped for. Sean enjoys his guy-side including sports and girls. But loves dressing & going out with Sam & me doing girl things. Sean has also told me that while dating is great fun she thinks she will never find a girl who likes to wear what she likes to wear and that's ok. I must share with you that when Sean is dressed he looks like a small version of yours truely. We have the same tastes in clothes, hairstyle and of course shoes. Her favorite outfit is a red 3/4 sleeve, draped necked dress that she wears with suntan pantyhose and red patent 5.5" Stileto pumps. She prefers the strawberry blonde wig and 2" gold hoop earrings. She dresses 2-3 times a week and is becoming proficient with make-up. Sean already has pierced ears (2 in each lobe) and shaves her arms, legs and chest when she dresses. Her favorite perfume is "Hollywood". Sean had a good childhood with two loving parents. The problems in the marriage were that mom & dad had grown apart in recent years. She had interests very different from his. They still love each other but agree that a divorce was what was best for everybody involved. Sean looks very passable. She looks like a girl in her early twenties. Ciao, Anita

[TabascoTesa]

What an amazing story! I'm so glad your nephew had a network of understanding and sincere people to see him through this. Self-discovery is always tough, especially when it goes against societal norms. As a woman I doubt I can really understand the male perspective of it (I was a tomboy growing up--does that count? ) It breaks my heart to know how many kids out there, just like Sean, who may never have had someone as understanding as you in their lives, and may have ended up just retreating deeper into despair because they're afraid someone will pass judgement on them. Your niece is a very fortunate young lady, and it's always good to hear a "success story" like this! The outfits sound fantastic, btw

[Heelfan]

Hello Anita. I'm not at all sure that you're doing the right thing by encouraging Sean to adopt a femme name, and calling him "she" and proudly telling us all about his high heels. Nor do I think you should repress his tendancies either, which would probably make him want to crossdress all the more. It's all very well us adults enjoying our little heely quirks and things as mature, self determined adults. But where young lad like this is concerned, still in his formative years, and especially if he is now under this psychiatrist, would it not be better for you to take a sensibly neutral stance on this, neither actively encouraging nor discouraging his activities so as to to allow any psychiatric guidance be given to him unhindered? Constructively yours, Heelfan

[Anita C.]

I accept Sean as he is. I neither encourage or discourage him from crossdressing. I'm ok with it and he has his parents and my full support. Dr. Sharon, who is very experienced in this arena, supports our (his parents and mine) actions and oversees our involvement. She is quite pleased with Seans' progress. She also believes that his crossdressing is not just a phase. She belives he will crossdress forever and the sooner he comes to terms with it, the better. At this point Sean needs to develop where HE is in the gist of things. What we know is this; Sean was in a very bad way when he came here. He was depressed, withdrawn and potentially suicidal. Now he's happy, comfortable and well adjusted. He accepts himself and his crossdressing. If he quit crossdressing tomorrow it would be ok with me. If he continues crossdressing forever, this, too, would be ok. As for his choice in footwear, this is HIS choice & preference. Ciao, Anita C.

[Firefox]

I've very little faith in psychiatrists. It's one of those subjects where you can make it up as you go along. I don't regard it as a proper science at all. Therefore Anita's advice is likely to be just as good as the psychiatrist. In any case, the advice should be, if it feel right and it harms noone then do it, which seems to fall in with how Anita is encouraging him.

[JeffM]

Anita what a beautiful person you are. My very best wishes to Sean and to Sean too. I hope they have a wonderful life which ever path or paths they decide to follow. I am sure they will with you around. Jeff

[Rockpup]

Heelfan: Anita's doing the right thing by seeking out a profesional and getting the blessing of the parent(s). I'm sure she's smart enough to know not to send Sean to school wearing her ballet boots, etc. Firefox: My opinion is probably mixed, after being sent to 4 diferent people I'd say it depends on the situation and the person you are talking to. Jim

[Paul (North-East)]

Anita! You're an amazing woman. Sean could not have wished for a more understanding Aunt than yourself. He's such a lucky guy. Just imagine what he may have gone through without your discovery. Some things are mean't to happen. Love, Paul

[Anita C.]

Sean asked me to come with him to his session with Dr. Sharon yesterday. I went along, of course but wondered what was up? When we arrived, Dr. greated us and said this was a special day and that Sean wanted ME to be there. Sean stood up and read from a notesheet he had brought along. "Dear Auntie. The last month has taught me so much. I am on the road to learning who I am and am working on fully accepting this person. I couldn't have done this without you. When I came to Colorado I was a pretty big mess. I hated who I was and what I was doing. Then you caught me. What could have been the worst day of my life became the first day of the rest of my life. Everything changed that day. I learned that I wasn't alone and that there were many people who care. I love my Mom & Dad and understand their divorce. I also understand that the divorce wasn't because of me. I like coming to Dr. Sharons' because I feel better after we talk. But I am thankful most of all for a very special person. I person who didn't turn away when this all came out. A person who stood by me and gave me a hand to hold on to at the scariest place in my life. A person who calmed me down the raging storm in me and told me "This is really no biggie" and smiled at me. This person accepts me, ALL of me the good and not so good things, too. On the potentially worst day of my life she told me she still loved me, today I want to thank her and tell her I love her too. I love you Auntie Anita. You really & truely saved my life. You made my world safe & nice again. Sean & Sean Your nephew & "Neice". . . " Again I encourage you to reach out. Anita C.

[shyguy]

This is a very touching story, and Anita is a wonderful person to take the trouble to help someone find themself. I had an Aunt who I confided in about my liking heels, she allowed me to try on full female clothing makeup etc. in the privacy of her home, and there I discovered it was only shoes I was interested in. She like Anita did not judge, kept it secret for me, and helped me find out what my needs were, and was always a help to me. It takes a special person to help another in that way, and I'm glad Sean is coming to terms with who he/she is. The story could have been so different without a caring non judgemental person around.

[ShockQueen]

Anita..how I wish I had an aunt like you when I was growing up! That is the coolest thing you could have done for him, and I'm sure he'll appreciate you all his and her days and all that you have done. You truly give hope to parents out there....now there just needs to be more like you when we come to terms with children who are trying to find their way and to be able to be who they wish to be without any fear of stereotyping, guilt, or shame....to be truly free to be themselves. My hats off to you, and those who follow in your footsteps.

[Dawn HH]

AnitaC:-) What a fantastic story. Sean was at his lowest ebb in his life when you came home early and found him dressed in your things in your bedroom. To him, being caught was the worst part of his life, but in reality was the best thing to happen to him and probably really saved his life at that point. If you had not come home early that day, Sean probably would not be here today. You litterly saved his life that day and handled the situation in the best way possible under the circumstances. To that point, as far as he was concerned, he could go to no one to discuss the situation---not knowing that his parents suspected his problem and did not persue it at that time. Oh if only I had an aunt Anita like you, but I didn't. To the day my Mom and Dad passed away, they did not know that I was a crossdresser. No one knew as I guess I was just incredibly and extremely lucky to never have been caught even though I had some very close shaves, but was able to undress and stash the clothing quick enough not to be found out. I wasn't into make-up and wigs at that time and this helped make a hasty change much quicker. I have always been a very strong willed person and not a quitter and I suspect that this was what pulled me through all the decades from when I first started until the wife and I first sat down to discuss this malady between us. I also suspect that this strength was also responsibly the reason that I was able to avoid suicide when the thought popped into my mind. The good Lord wasn't done with me at that point and he still isn't done with me yet as I haven't completed his work here on earth as we are all here for a purpose known only to him and not us. Thank goodness you were in the right spot at the right time for sean and it sounds like he/she is turning things around for a very fruitful life in the future. Both Sean the boy and Sean the girl and you Anita have my unbiased gratitude for who you are and my blessings to you all for future fruitful and satisfying lives. Cudos to all involved. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Dawn HH]

AnitaC:-) Luxxyheels made a great suggestion that some pics of you and Sean would be of interest to us all with the both of you sporting 5 or 5.5 inch heels. Only with your permission as you might want Sean to stay in incognito. Totally your choice. If possible---it would be a nice jestor for all of us to see. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Anita C.]

Thanks for asking, but we'll have to decline. Because of my work and the fact that Seannie's a minor that might prove detremental to both of us. I can give you an image! Tomorrow Seanie and I will be going out to the theatre with Samantha. We'll all go in and have our hair and 'nails done. I will be in a black, slinky, cowl collar cocktail dress aith my black satin 5.5" Stilettos and Seannie will be wearing a sequined halter cocktail dress with black patent, closed toe 5.5" Stiletto slings with ankle straps. Sam will be wearing her red long sleeved Versace' knee length dress with a sweetheart neck and red 5.5" Stiletto pumps! Anybody wanna hear what I'm wearing UNDER the dress?? That should help! Namaste', Anita C., Seannie & Samantha

[Dawn HH]

AnitaC:-) I can quite understand it being neccessary for you to decline any full photo shots, but would you consider any waist down or knee down shots of the 3 of you so that we can get some idea of part of your outfits? Sean is a very lucky girl to be able to participate in getting hair and nails done and to attend the evening festivities and to be able to pass in public without anyone realizing that the person might be something else besides a girl. This fact has got to be extremely exciting and amazing to Sean herself. Sean is in a position that many of us here no doubt would like to be in ourselves. I, for one, am a bit envious on the one hand and very excited for Sean on the other. And YES---I would like to know what you are wearing under your dress tomorrow. And tell Sean that Dawn HH says that she should enjoy every second of every minute of her time as Sean and the things that she can participate in with you and Sam as you are certainly all, (all three), very, very special people and I do sincerely wish you all the very best of everything. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Anita C.]

Yes, I do. So does his Doctor and his counseler. This is the look Seannie picked out for Sean. It is a reflection of self. Do I encourage Sean? Yes. Do I tell him what to do and buy? NO! I can see no problems. They are, after all, only shoes. Namaste', Anita C.

[Anita C.]

Ok . . . Age 13, No. Age 14, Yes. I was this old when I started wearing stilettos for dress. Age 15, Yes. I hope this helps. Also, Seannies' 16th birthday is next month. Namaste ' , Anita C.

[Anita C.]

A sad day for Seannie & me. One of our special kids from rainbow alley was found beaten to death this morning. He was 13. Details are sketchy but it appears that the homophobic, redneck father had a hand in the demise and is in custody. Seems that alcohol was also involved. . . there's a shock! WHY didn't I see this coming? I would have done something! I'm angry . . . I'd like to stay that way for awhile. Namaste', Anita C.

[Bubba136]

I would like to see a lot of other people in your area angry over this incident besides you.

[Dawn HH]

AnitaC:-) Bubba136:-) Let me be mad along with you. I have worked all of my life with young children and teens and I hate to see someone so young die before their time. This child may have had great potential for the future. Now we will never know. Shame. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[azraelle]

There is a special place in hell reserved for men like that. The hell I refer to is in this life, though. While he's in prison, he will be a homophobic redneck no longer--the inmates take special care of child molesters/rapists/beaters/ murderers.

[Dawn HH]

Azraelle:-) I agree. When things are out of our hands, another justice enters the picture. Justice will be served one way or another. Cheers--- Dawn HH

[Anita C.]

I heard this & thought of that sweet child. Someday someway . . . we'll be close together-wait and see Oh, by the way, this time the dream's on me You'll take my hand and look at me adoringly please understand . . . this time the dream's on me. It would be fun . . . to be certain that I'm the one. To know that I, at least, supplied a shoulder to cry upon To have seen you through . . . 'till you're everything you're supposed to be That can't come true, so this time the dream's on me. Good bye, sweet child. You were loved and you will be missed by the many of us whose lives you touched as only you could. Your Auntie Anita