Wanted an general opinion

[itfdff]

Hey everyone first time posting on a site like this but I had a general question and was wondering if any guys who are married to a woman who (used) to like to wear heels out.

I live in long Island and have been married 8 years and together for 12... when we first met I told her early on about my high heel infatuation and it's kind of a deal breaker if it's something they wouldn't be into exploring or doing.... luckily she was.  Years have gone by and I've got her over probably 200 plus different heels over the years. She used to wear them all the time and would wear a nice outfit for date night. As time went on we went out with other couples who's gf's/wives don't care about self image and would say things to her like why are you wearing that outfit... why are you wearing heels when we're going to sit in the movie theater for 2 hours... and over the years it's caused my wife to become self conscious and have low self esteem.  

I'd love to find another couple who lived closer to us who's wife is someone who would/does/wants to wear heels when going out so my wife woukd hopefully regain the confidence she's lost by negative people and that she would be comfortable wearing any heels from 3 inch to 10 inch.. because someone else is doing it as well and is kind of able to show her fuck what anyone else says.. do what you want. 

 

Has anyone ran into a similar scenario? Did you have solutions?  Ive tried for years now driving home the point and saying "don't listen to anyone else... You're married to me... the only thing you should be concerned with is what I am/would think about an outfit/ a pair of heels/ where you're wearing them etc. But despite telling her time and time again it never sticks

[Shyheels]

There are lots of destructive people around, unfortunately, people who feel threatened by any form of self expression by those around them. It’s a unfortunate fact of life. Ignore them and seek better company. That can be difficult but keep looking and keep open. Nice people are out there. In the meantime be as supportive as you can and cut the negative people out if your lives completely 

[mlroseplant]

It is true that society in general has grown way more casual, especially since our world health issue happened back in 2020. I get the kind of static you're talking about myself, because I won't wear heels unless I'm at least slightly presentable, which to most people these days is "dressed up." It's even affected my wife. She has many, many cute dresses and outfits, but rarely wears any of them these days. She is a regular vendor at a couple of different farmer's markets, and her signature was to dress up. All of the other vendors were looking like they were about to do automotive engine repair, and she'd be in this cute little dress every week. Those days are over. Now it's leggings and Crocs. What can I say?

[CrushedVamp]

I fully understand what you are experiencing.

My wife and I are often the best dressed at a restaurant or other function which goes noticed by others who are there. Often it is the other women that make it miserable for my wife; sly comments in the bathroom, scowls and sideways glances, all for just being dressed better than they are. Or even worse, nasty comments from her own family, “your heels are too high”, or “your skirt is too short”. Yes I can commiserate with you on what you are saying. I deal with it by doing my best to be understanding. Since we like dressing up and looking our best whether it is at church, a restaurant, or a show; we do, and ignore the comments, even if it is not easy sometimes. While others might feel we are dressing up and thus making them look dressed down, that isn’t the case. We just like looking sharp individually, and as a couple.

1. I try and encourage my wife to dress up by dressing up myself. If she sees me looking sharp, she tends to follow suit in matching me. However, if she chooses to dress down, I still dress sharp. I don’t berate her or beg her to wear something better, it is her decision on what she wears, but by staying true to looking sharp myself, it just shows her that I will stay the course.

2. I understand that high heels are not comfortable and have a back up pair of shoes for my wife like ballet flats. As much as I love her wearing heels, it is better to have her start in them, and have to take them off mid-date through, then have her resent wearing them at all. I always have a more comfortable pair of shoes on me, or close by in the car, etc.

3. Take them to venues where it is more typical to be dressed up. Nice restaurants. Upscale performances. Live Theater, etc. By not standing out, they will feel more at ease dressed up, and thus wearing high heels. 

3. A lady needs three things: food water and compliments. A wife can pick fake compliments out as soon as they are uttered or texted, but by being honest and telling them often how much you appreciate them wearing high heels, and how good she looks in them and other honest compliments, she is more inclined to wear them for you.

4. Like all interests, be wary of falling into the trap of making her feel as if you just love her because she wears high heels, or you just love her when she has high heels on. A woman wants to be truly loved, and while they like dressing to please the man she is in love with, she does not want to be reduced down to being loved just for what she wears. Or feels she has to wear high heels to be appreciated. It is a very fine line I know, but this is why several other suggestions I offered above come into play.

In closing, just understand that a woman has some six hundred images per day they are subjected to on what the world thinks the ideal woman looks like. Naturally most women do not feel they measure up. As husbands and fathers we are battling the world, but we cannot give up and let our wives, girlfriends and daughters know we are proud of them whether sharply dressed or slumming for the day. We ultimately have more sway than the world, but we must be understanding. Maybe these suggestions will resonate and work for you.

[Gige]

When I initially read this post, I thought about what I could say or offer in order to help an individual regain confidence/self-esteem that had been lost due to the comments of others. Shortly after I “came out,” I had a similar issue with two women at my office and wrote about them in a previous post which was very helpful in dealing with them. As I was making the long, flat, boring journey from my residence to the Chicago area for Thanksgiving dinner and back home today, my thoughts were focused on this situation because the drive was long, flat, and boring. Before I commence with my answer, I wish to make it known that what I am expressing here is my own opinion and I do not mean to insult, disparage, or speak ill of anyone. In all truthfulness, however, this situation, as it is presented, offers some troubling “red flags” of greater concern and there are many areas that I believe should be addressed. Just to offer my credentials to support my position, I have been married for 32 years and hold a graduate degree in behavioral sciences.

First, “…when we first met I told her early on about my high heel infatuation and it's kind of a deal breaker if it's something they wouldn't be into exploring or doing....” This is troublesome because it signifies that the relationship is conditional and based on an unsuitable foundation, that being the wearing of heels, rather than on more metaphysical attributes such as love, admiration, compatibility, and shared interest/outlook on important concerns (e.g. child rearing, religion, etc.). Turning away a potential mate/partner because she would not be willing to explore or actually wear heels is quite unreasonable. This puts the desire to see others wearing heels in front of qualities that are far more important that help determine suitability of a potential mate. This begs the question of if you can truly love someone who does not/cannot/will not wear high heels. The mere fact that this issue was presented for discussion makes me believe that your wife no longer wearing heels is highly problematic for you. 

Second,  “Years have gone by and I've got her over probably 200 plus different heels over the years.” This is extraordinarily troubling. The question I must ask is who made the decision to purchase so many pairs? If it your wife, then I would argue that she is taking advantage of you because the math shows that regardless of when the first pair of heels was purchased, this averages out to more than one new pair every month. If it is you who sees a pair of heels and purchases then for her, then you are feeding your own addiction. Even if it could be considered 50/50 split, this is still troubling - what other items of which you own do you have 200 examples? The only item of which I own 200 or more examples are songs on my iPod. Although I cannot conclusively make the determination as to who buys a majority of the heels, judging by the way the sentence is phrased, I am led to believe that it is the author who does so. I would be inclined to think that, at first, receiving/getting a pair of heels would be a nice gesture but after a while and due to the frequency of such, it would grow old and the thrill of it is lost. Thus, when new pairs of heels continue to be given/received, it sends a message of expectation. Also, think about it in this light - if one pair of heels were worn once a week, it would take about four years to wear every pair just once. That is horribly wasteful.  

Third, “I'd love to find another couple who lived closer to us [whose] wife is someone who would/does/wants to wear heels when going out so my wife would hopefully regain the confidence she's lost by negative people…” Simple question - for whose benefit should she wear heels, yours or hers? Referring back to the first and second points to some degree, it seems that your hope of having your wife wear heels again may be rooted in satisfying your own desires for her to do so. As you mentioned that you have an “infatuation” with heels, that you have “got her” over 200 pairs, and you want to see her start wearing heels are indicative comments that your primary concern is focused on satisfying your own desires. Wearing heels does not always “make” an outfit as I have recently learned that an elegant pair of loafers can be just as classy and chic as heels if they complete a well put together outfit of matching and “proper” fitting clothes.

Finally,  “[T]he only thing you should be concerned with is what I am/would think about an outfit/ a pair of heels/ where you're wearing them…” Sorry, but this really struck a nerve. When my wife and I head out, that which is most important to me is that she wears attire in which she is comfortable and is appropriate for the occasion. There have been many occasions where my wife has asked me if I believe, based on the outfit she is contemplating to wear for the evening/event, if it would be over/under dressing or the items match (Color, style, etc.). Then, and only then, should she be concerned with my opinion. Otherwise, what I think of what she is wearing is immaterial unless I feel that which she has selected is grossly inappropriate for the occasion (e.g. flip-flops at a black-tie event, or a cocktail dress to a Kindergarten graduation, etc). If my wife should wear an outfit that is worthy of a compliment, then I will make certain that I express such to her. At no point is there so much as minute expectation on my part that she should be the least bit concerned about what I think of her outfit. She is the person wearing it and her physical comfort in doing so is all that matters to me. My wife has a few pairs of shoes that I think are hideously ugly but she loves. If she wants to wear them out and about to an event when it would be appropriate, then unless there is some safety issue in doing so, my opinion is irrelevant.  

I do not know what was said to your wife by others but I think there is more to this than just their comments. Truth be told, those making such comments may have a valid point. There is a time and place to wear heels, and a time and place not to wear heels. Although I enjoy wearing some form of heels when and where I can, there are times when grabbing my purple, or blue, or red Vans, or flat heeled riding boots is far more practical, comfortable, and wiser than going for a pair of heels. Based on what is written in the initial post, especially in regards to that which is/would be a “sort of a dealbreaker,” I get the impression that there is some sort of expectation about when and where your wife should wear heels on your part. As I see it, based on how many pairs she has, it seems that wearing heels 24/7/365 is what is desired. If so, this is unhealthy for any relationship. I hope, however, I am wrong.  

Edited November 29 by Gige
Clarity

[Cali]

About 5 years ago I had a (much) younger woman thank me for wearing heels.  She loved heels but had succumb to peer pressure and stop wearing them. Seeing me in heels everyday gave her confidence to again wear her heels. And she was happier. Yes, she liked sitletto pumps.

Edited November 30 by Cali

[mlroseplant]

I guess I never really read the original post carefully, which is rather unlike me. Now that I have read it, I have some real advice. I feel I can give real advice because I've been there. Stop with the 200 pairs of shoes for your wife. They're not for her anyway, and you know it. Get your own shoes, and then you will never feel the need to pressure your wife to wear heels when she doesn't want to. This is not a perfect solution. It may create other problems where none existed before, but it will solve some very fundamental problems that you are obviously having. I'm not being mean, I have just been there myself.

[Gige]

15 hours ago, Cali said:

About 5 years ago I had a (much) younger woman thank me for wearing heels.  She loved heels but had succumb to peer pressure and stop wearing them. Seeing me in heels everyday gave her confidence to again wear her heels. And she was happier. Yes, she liked sitletto pumps.

That is awesome! I cannot say that I ever have been in this position but if such were to happen, I would be both flattered and delighted.

[pebblesf]

Hmmmm.  I will need to read all these posts over again, slowly and much more carefully.  Perhaps my situation is in the middle somewhere.  In my case, my partner hates my love of heels and boots, which has caused some major issues in our relationship.  There is no way I can ignore my love of heels and boots, no matter how hard I might try.  My mistake was not being completely open and honest on our first date, letting him know that heels/boots were a part of me that is not going away for any relationship.  I'm not expecting accolades, or compliments, just some acceptance would be great!  I think he sees my heels/boots, as "the other guy", which is understandable... I have caused more issues in our relationship by being secretive and going outside the relationship to find acceptance, definitely not proud of that.  But, he could have offered just the slightest bit of acceptance.  

As far as his outifts/footwear, there are definitely choices that do not appeal to me.  I offer my opinions while shopping, but don't argue with his choices, or shower him with gifts that satisfy my preferences.