Post Your Jokes Here

[Yamyam]

In a similar vein: "Boss, there's a problem with the van - there's a squashed beetle on the front!" "Well, flick it off and get yourself back here!" "I can't flick the beetle off the front - there's four people in it!"

[Francis]

"Sandwich Making" There's a guy and a girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer." With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

[Julietta]

Got this one today via email.... Subject: The Three Bears >Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 09:07:44 +0100 > >HIS SHOULD END ALL THOSE 3 BEARS STORIES.... >Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small >chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's >been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big >table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is >also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars. Momma Bear >puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, >"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through thi with >you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who >woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it >was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put >everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early >morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn >table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the >litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that >you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs, and grace >Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm >only going to say this one >more time. >"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !! >

[Bubba136]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?" :rofl:

[Julietta]

I like that one Bubba and very nicely written I think I'm going to copy that one and send it out to my email buddies Julie xx

[hoverfly]

> > >A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. > > >Practice safe eating - always use condiments. > > > >Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. > > > >A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. > > > >A hangover is the wrath of grapes. > > > >Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. > > > > > >A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. > > > > > >What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) > > > > > >In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. > > > >If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. > > > >When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. > > > >A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. > > > >A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. > > > >A plateau is a high form of flattery. > > > >Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. > > .....and for the finale..... > > > >A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown > >apart. > > > > > .................................................................... > Having a brand but no brand strategy is like trying to steer a ship without > the helm.

[Julietta]

Clever play on words Hoverfly Jx

[shyguy]

I went out to get one of those George Forman grills, but they were sold out. Instead I got a Frank Bruno Toaster. 2 rounds and it was F**ked Shyguy

[Julietta]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. In fact, we do not even have a chicken. GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. TONY BLAIR I agree with George. HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. TRICIA Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads. You may say I'm a dreamer - but its not the only hen. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability. ARSENE WENGER What chicken? I did not see it. ALEX FERGUSON The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not bigger than this club. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken? THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one? HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

[Yamyam]

A mate of mine's just told me that he arranged a date with a Dutch girl who likes inflatable shoes. On the night, though, she didn't make it - she'd popped her clogs.

[Bubba136]

I recently ran across this on the internet. ("Dear Abby" is a newspaper column written by Abigail Van Buren (Nom-de plume), and is the most popular and widely syndicated column in the world -- known for its uncommon common sense advice to moral, ethical and amorous delemmas. Comedy writers often use her genera as a setting for their humor.) Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, their heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousinwho is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation

[Francis]

I just had this one related to me; 9 cows are standing in a field, which one is closest to Iraq? Cow 8

[hoverfly]

> Somebody e-mailed this to me, but I don't know the source. Hilarious > though! > > > > Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek > > 10. Noisy doors. > You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or > screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're > dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through > them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a > shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until > you learn to master WD-40 > > > 9. The Federation. > This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs > everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh > sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a > Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump > truck feels about it? > > > And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: > Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to > not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're > screwed. > > > 8. Reversing the Polarity. > For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might > work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on > good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the > Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through > the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in > Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix > it by reversing the polarity." > > > Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity > reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously > explode whenever they put the juice to it. > > > 7. Seatbelts. > Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an > explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head > with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might > think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from > happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second > Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? > A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels > good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There > goes Kirk's torso!" > > > 6. No fuses. > Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and > consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less > operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the > polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest > Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he > could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge > personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding > console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down. > > 5. Rule by committee. > Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last > year: > > Star Trek: > > Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!" > Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?" > Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it > appears that you're a 'fraidy cat." > Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say > something." > Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon > warrior chubby." > Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first." > Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look > pensive." > > > Firefly: > > Captain: "Let's shoot them." > Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?" > Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT > YOU WITH until you realize who's in command." > Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!" > > > 4. A Star Trek quiz: > Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one > isn't coming back? > > > 3. Technobabble. > The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by > reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my > satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the > space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged > the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. > As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free. > > > 2. The Holodeck. > I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use > it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we > all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the > worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean. > > > 1. The Prime Directive. > How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up > the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny > stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star > Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with > Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going > WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The > Earth-shattering Kaboom.

[Bubba136]

That's really ---- humorous! (Well written)

[Yamyam]

What he said!

[Highluc]

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX 2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI 3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD 4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia 5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" or "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane E. Amov 6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SUR E you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard

[Robert]

:rofl:

[Bubba136]

Can't remember if this was already posted. But, it's still hilarious A A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.

[Julietta]

Was sent this today by email... Onestone was his name........... This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more. Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone. "He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story? You'll love this!!!!) ........................... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!

[jim]

I like it.

[jim]

This made the local radio playlist a while back,y'all may have heard it but heres the link anyway.

It gives a new meaning to the term, "Mac Attack"

http://www.shagrat.net/Html/cows.htm

[Robert]

Very nice Jim!

Btw, did you know that cats can sing too?

Check this out : http://www.rathergood.com/punk_kittens/

[jim]

Cute!

[Francis]

nice to see someone put a movie with the song I wonder how many other Dr.Demento playlist songs have been done.

[Dr. Shoe]

An American Automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on a nearby river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach peak performance and on the big day, both teams were as ready as could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by their loss and morale sagged. Corporate management decided that a study should look into the matter and a reason for the crushing defeat should be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of Executives was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one steering whilst the Americans had one rowing and eight steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing". To prevent losing to the japanese the following year, the management structure was changed to 4 steering line managers, 3 steering co-ordinators and one steering executive director and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give incentive and become a six sigma performer. That ought to do it. The Japanese won by two miles. The Americans laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles, cancelled investment in new equipment and scrapped the prototype of an all new boat of revolutionary design. They also awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

[shyguy]

Wow so it's not just the company that I work for which works that way

[Yamyam]

Wow so it's not just the company that I work for which works that way

If it's any consolation, the company I work for would have charged the guy rowing for wear and tear on the paddles, but paid him a bonus according to how well the boat was steered.

(And thanks to this, I'm probably going to have to sell my sports car and some antiques. And a kidney )

[Bubba136]

I found this yesterday. Thought it was humorous. Subject: T-shirt graffiti . 1. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." 3. "I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!" 4. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them." 5. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." 6. "Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive." 7. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me." 8. "Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe." 9. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine." 10. "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing." 11. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." 12. "I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." 13. "God must love stupid people, he made so many of them." 14. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." 15. "It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.." 16. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." 17. "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps." 18. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?" 19. "That's it! I'm calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old). 20. "Wrinkled.... was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up." 21. "Procrastinate..... now." 22. "Rehab..... is for quitters." 23. "My dog....can lick anyone." 24. "I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?" 25. "Party - My Crib - Two A M." (On a baby-size shirt). 26. "Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since I was 15." 27. "Arkansas: One million people and 15 last names." 28. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 29. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN." 30. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 31. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." 32. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 33. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music." 34. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." 35. "He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead." 36. "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog. 37. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN....Cops have nothing to go on." 38. "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." 39. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH." 40. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig." 41. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." 42. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 43. "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." 44. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

[Yamyam]

I laughed several times. Nice one, Bubba!

[azraelle]

My son (17) wears a t-shirt that says "Chaos and Disorder! My work is done here."